Partner Might Leave

[Miserable123455]

Hi, I’ve name changed. My partner and I have been together for 28 years, we have three children.

For background, he works long hours and runs a lot, marathons etc. He is 52 and the kids love him, he is mostly a good person.

Im in the midst of peri menopause and trying to get hrt sorted. Our son has additional needs, is about to sit GCSEs. My parent has late stage dementia and has just moved into a nursing home. Life is incredibly difficult at the moment. I’m finding it all hard.

My partner likes to go out three to four times a year and get absolutely wasted - so drunk he can’t walk. Last year he had to be carried off a train by two men into our daughter’s car. The year before he fell asleep on the train, ended up at a different town and then tried to walk the 20 miles home along a dark dangerous road. He was picked up by the police and brought home. He also has a week in Ibiza with his friends every September. The trip before last he missed his flight home and had to pay for another. Money we didnt have.

When he missed the flight he just sent me a short text saying - I’ve missed the flight, will be home tomorrow! No explanation or apology. I had been alone with our sen son who can be challenging. I was knackered and looking forward to him being home. I flipped out when I got the text and did reply with some pretty nasty stuff.. you idiot, that kind of thing. When he got back he told me I had been unreasonable and why couldn’t I have supported him, he was tired after a week of clubbing and being up all night. He said he was leaving, he didn’t love me and was going to his mums. After a day of tears and arguing he agreed to stay.

The weekend before last he went to a rave in Manchester, stayed over and I made no contact with him whilst there.

He was out this weekend so I asked him to please be careful, that I worried about him and could he please catch the bus home at a reasonable time. He said he would. Gets to 7 and he’s still not home. They had met for breakfast at 10 am and it would be solid drinking from then on. I offered to go get him, he said he’d walk, again along a dark dangerous road. In the interests of not causing an argument I let him. He wasn’t home after an hour so I rang him, he shouted “f&ck off at me down the phone” ! He seemed ok when he got back and has been fine since but sulky and quiet so I said what’s wrong.

Now again, he’s saying he doesn’t like me, I have two days a month when I’m happy, I’m aggressive and controlling when he goes out. He doesn’t know if he can stay or if he loves me.

I honestly worry about him and yes I’m agressive when these things happen because I’m angry and upset. He’s a grown man with a family. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to consider us and not just get as pissed as humanly possible.

We aren’t married, a compromise I made for
him. Now I work part time and would struggle to live alone with the kids financially.

I do feel like our relationship is over and I’m just clinging on to something that’s not there.

"I've worked bloody hard to get my hormones under some kind of control. I joined a gym at the beginning of the year and have been going religiously. I’ve had a coil fitted .. all to try and stop flying off the handle and cope with the bloody tough life I’m facing"

I bet you'll find your hormones are miraculously better once rid of this vile man.
Don't blame yourself in this way. Selfish incapable men love it when you do that.

Nothing worse than a man who refuses to grow up. Oldest swinger in town. Yuk.

Did he actually say 'massive come down', or are you just saying that because you're starting to assume drugs?

He wants to be single like his mates, he makes out it’s all your fault because of your reactions etc but really it’s he resents being in a relationship. Be indifferent, when he goes out, don’t tell him to be sensible, start disengaging. Show no interest! Just concentrate on getting your ducks in a row. Once you split up from him you will become happier because a big weight will be lifted, you won’t be resented, you won’t have to put up with him acting single whilst you wait at home stressing and then trying to explain to a man who doesn’t care in the slightest how you feel.

He insists he hasn’t and I’m abusive and unreasonable for even asking or considering that.

He is gaslighting you and using your menopause as a means to say 'she's an unreasonable nutter'
He needs to grow a set and tell you exactly how he feels instead of trying to piss u off in order for you to moan at him (not unreasonable at all) and then he can tell everyone you are a nag etc ...
You are doing nothing wrong u deserve so much better, if he cared about you he would be trying to accommodate your concerns...
I think this relationship has run its course... please try and look into your financials as i think you should be looking at making some big changes in 2025... GOOD LUCK 🍀❤️

I suspected drugs because of his bizarre behaviour when he got home. The lack of any understanding, the cold and callous way he told our son.

He just seemed different somehow but I couldn’t place it.

Thank you so much!

Honestly OP, the more you describe him, the more I cringe, he sounds like the creepy old guy everyone laughed at trying to fit in with the younger crowd out clubbing back in the day. His mates ex wives kicked their old swingers out, and you must do the same.

Does your ds have an EHCP? Can you talk to school SENCO about your ds repeating year 11 if need be? Because honestly, SEN students are sensitive, and on some level he will know things aren’t right, especially if you try to grit your teeth for another six months. There’s never an ideal time, but I really think you should bite the bullet, tell your mum who will I’m sure support you, and get shot of him. I’m sorry about your dad, but I’m sure if he was able to, he would want you happy. You won’t be happy with this man child. He will always be your kids dad, and perhaps this might be the wake up call he needs to step up and grow up.

The more you articulate your feelings, how you feel about his behaviour, the more he turns the tables to it being your fault. He works long hours and goes out running marathons because he likes to be out, he’s distant and he lives for the raves, holidays and drinking with the lads.

We’re in the process of applying for an EHCP. He definitely knows something isn’t right. He’s incredibly sensitive but I’m determined to keep him happy and settled.
i am taking the advice I’ve had here and biding my time, getting my finances sorted, speaking to my mum who I think will probably be happy for me. We will make this Christmas special for my mum and get him through his exams and take it from there.

it is natural to grieve a 28 year relationship that has drawn to an end but you need to remember you have tried .... nothing you can do can change Dave's behaviour (even if only 4 times per year) no relationship is worth living on eggshells until the next grenade waiting to go off !
it will take time but you will look back in a few months of being single and wished you had done it years ago...
I think you know what you need to do as you seriously can't expect this behaviour to do a 360 and all is going to be sunshine and rainbows again... he's made his choice now you need to make yours (it's a when not an if IMO)

Good that you have a plan OP, that’s really positive. Google family law solicitors in your area, and see one in the New Year, many offer a free first consultation. They will be able to advise you, and if you’re like me, it helped me to take control. I was twenty years married with three teenagers when I booted my man child out, so I do understand how daunting and stressful this is. X

Don’t ever you beat yourself up about your angry responses when he missed the flight. HE was in the wrong, and then he played the victim card because he could then very conveniently blame your responses!!

He puts you (and his own children) through utter hell with his irresponsible and idiotic actions. He’s out in like control.

How utterly embarrassing for you that he’s 52 for Christ sake!!

You won’t change him, let him go with his stupid likeminded idiot friends, who also don’t want to grow up. Their ex-wives did the right thing, and now it’s your turn.

I would start planning, keep your powder dry and when your youngest has finished his exams, make your move.

You will Never change him.

Miserable123455
I think you are in a good position financially as you stated your mortgage is small (£300 pcm)
I also want to say i knew a man who once used the excuse of "running" as a hobby which in all fairness he did like doing but he also liked to run alongside a female runner ... they would stop someplace ... do the deed... then run home, nobody suspected a thing as he was in running gear, he came home all sweaty with the added excuse of having to get straight into the shower 🤔

Grim!!! We live in a small town and people know him well I feel sure they’d say if they’d seen him with a woman. His daughters or anyone could see him. It’s not beyond the realms of possibility but there’s no point me torturing myself with that. He would never admit to it. I dont have access to his phone. I wish I did!

It’d be much better for your son and his exams to ask your partner to leave after Christmas than risk him flouncing out in April.

Why would you want to be on edge for months waiting on him to make good on his threat to leave? Sounds like you could cover the bills if he stopped contributing in the short-term, and with help from your folks maybe buy him out.

I’m best off focusing on the facts and what I do know. I’ll drive myself mad if I start imagining things and I’ll lose my composure with him. I need to act strong and aloof and show him the person I was when we met. Strong and independent! Calm and happy!

DEFO this... nothing more will irritate him than you knowing what you want and standing firm ... don't even entertain an argument... just say what you would like to happen, then tell him to make his plans to leave until either the house is sold or you buy him out... if he has any considerations for your children he will accommodate this so as to cause the least disruption for them.
Be prepared for him to say nasty hurtful things to gain a rise out of you... just think how amazing it will feel when you can walk away smiling cuz you know you got one over on him by not biting.
I'm SOOOO rooting for you OP

Not rtft, and this is by no means an excuse, but could he be autistic/ND too? The impulsivity, the dislike of you raising your voice (I suspect you aren't in reality), the speaking in a monotone way, the lack of empathy for your feelings?
I have/had one of these too…and a 15 year old ASC son, and in August I decided enough was enough so I now have a stbxh!
Plenty of hurdles still to cross but both children already say how much quieter the house is, how there’s more calm and I feel in control now too

I agree with this.
I think do what's best for your son but don't delay things in the hope it will get better as it won't.
He has checked out, has contempt for you and may well leave you before your ideal plans anyway.

In your situation I'd sit him down and tell him I agree that you should split but would like to minimise disruption and impact for your son. Then agree next steps.

This way you have some control, you can plan and he can't threaten you with it.

Once you and Rave split up, you won’t be letting his actions and words drag you down. Those years were not a waste, you have three lovely children and life is to short to stay with someone who wants to be like his mates, free to party like it’s 1999. There is no Ow, no betrayal it’s just fizzled out. I would try to see this as your time to be happy, calm, strong and independent.

I agree with @TheRealKatnissEverdeen . Once you make up your mind just be matter of fact. “We are splitting up. Lets minimize the impact on the kids.”

Be prepared: he will try to argue and browbeat you back. He may dislike and resent you but he needs you to run his household, raise his kids, and financially support him.

Tell the kids matter if factly. ”Dad and I have different interests and life goals now. We think its best if he gets his own place.”

You should 'leave' him in your head. Check out and stop doing any wife duties for him. Pour into yourself as much as you can and your friendships and doing hobbies if you have any time. Ignore him going out - if he leaves he'll do that all the time anyway and you won't be able to control it so stop trying. To control it now. If he gets himself run over it's on him you trying to stop him isn't working so give up .
If you can find a way to leave then do.

He must be on drugs
Op my ex behaved like this when I was pregnant it was awful and he also blamed it all on me. He left just before baby was born two years on I do not miss him at all.