I don't want to live with my kids anymore

[PartTimeModel]

NC because I feel ashamed.

DD's are 17 & 13.
13yo is ND but functions pertty well.

Mornings have become hell. Nothing works to improve things.

I get shouted and screamed at:
for saying good moring
for waking them up if they sleep through their alarm.
for saying the time in the mornings;
for saying "leaving in 5 minutes";
for asking DD2 to turn her (many) bedroom lights off;
for asking if anyone would like me to make them breakfast;
for NOT asking if anyone would like breakfast;
for driving them to school at a pre agreed time;
for not driving them to school (Its walking distance).

last night DD1 sat me down and told me I'm a massive failure and I need to be following DD2 around in the morning "supporting" her to get ready for school.
This is the very same DD2 who basically tells me to fuck off if I check she is awake. Who responds to any word I might dare to utter with "STOP SHOUTING AT ME!" (I am not shouting).

I try to manage DD2's morings by ensuring she gets everythig ready the night before. When I check in with her asking if her bags are packed, uniform ready etc she says yes. she just lies. So the next morning half her school uniform has been left at ther fathers, her bag isn't ready etc and we are all caught up in her chaos.

It has turned into a stupidly hellish & stressful situation. To the extent I no longer want to live with them. I just want to get in my car and drive away but I can't as I have cats. I am at the point where I want to leave my children but not my cats.
Its so bloody awful.

Every morning.

I want them out of my house. This makes me feel sick though. This is taking a serious toll on my own mental health.

Since my children have been teens I have occassionally had troubles - with their behalvious triggering flashbacks to my own very troubled teenage years. I put myself in therapy for over a year and made good progress unpicking this. And here I am back again.

All I can think about is quitting my job, leaving my children and making everyone go away.

They can go an live with their dad. I feel like I've done enough and I'm not spending the next XX years starting every day in misery because of their shitty behaviour. Even the rare morings DD2 can get herslef ready and off to school we are all on eggshells constantly waiting for her to kick off.

I know this is all reactive and I'll probably calm down and feel better later but I am not having more mornings like this. The only solution I can think of is they move out.

What a horribly shit mother I am.

If school is walking distance just stop.
Take a massive step back and let them get themselves sorted out, especially the 17 year old!
My DD is 13 (year 9) and I do make sure she's awake in the morning but that's about it. It's her responsibility to be ready on time

Massive sympathies x my kids all grown up and we get on well now but the teenage years were tough. So be reassured it will get better.
Before you do anything might it help to try and just reset your relationships over the holidays when the usual routines don’t apply? Take off all pressure to conform other than to talk to each other nicely and to try and have some joint fun time together? Or at least try and redress the issues when things are relatively calm and have a discussion about how they are feeling and what stresses them, and how to deal with stress( ie not by taking it out on you)
Also do take time for yourself to give yourself a break - buy yourself a massage or retreat or something - it’s perfectly ok to do this and much better than abandoning them altogether! !

I second this

I absolutely need to up our Alexa game - I just mainly use mine for audiobooks, podcasts & shopping list.

Alexa often doesnt understand my accent - if I am to be found shouting at home it will be at Alexa who does random stuff when I'm asking it to play a pocast or something innocent enough & Alexa goes on a random journey of its own.

Smart plugs for DD2's room are a good idea.

I feel your pain so much OP. I have ND and NT children. Sometimes the ND one can get themselves ready and sometimes from the very start they are shouting, crying and unable to function. It is very very hard to understand and support the ND element while working out how to react/punish bad behaviour. I am adamant I don’t want my ND child to grow up feeling they are ‘naughty’ and ‘lesser’ but equally don’t want them to grow up with vile shouty behaviour that they blame on their condition. It’s a very difficult puzzle to solve.

Me too. I spend most of my time making passive aggressive remarks to a sodding machine that ignores me. The kids think it's hilarious.

I use the Smart Life app to switch stuff on and off. It's great for electric blankets too. You know they've gone off automatically and the kids won't boil to death even if they've fallen asleep with it left on

What has worked sort of well is for my child to understand their condition, read about it, and appreciate 1) it isn’t their fault they feel that way AND 2) they have to take responsibility for communicating their needs politely eg ‘I don’t want anyone to talk to me in the morning’.

This may sound stupid, but I think it's worth actively pointing out to your daughters that you are an actual human being who is affected by their vile behaviour towards you. Kids are so used to their mums simply existing to serve them that they often need to be told that, when they treat you like shit, it is no different to treating a friend like shit.

I don't thik this sounds stupid at all - I think most kids can do with a reminder every now & again that their parents are human and have feelings/can be hurt too.

Lets say I do have ADHD as an adult - now what?

My HRT replacement medication is also listed as treatment for ADHD and hasn't made any difference. I certainly wouldn't entertain taking specific ADHD medication as I don't see any benefit.

I'm not meaning to be snippy, but as far as I see it being an adult with ADHD is just as common as being an adult without ADHD. I'm yet to see how knowing I have ADHD might have any meaningful impact on my life?

As far as I can see, if so many adults have ADHD then isn't it neuro typical? Its just another variation of being a human.

I've seen plenty of ADHD "diagnosis" online, but nothing helpful to do after you've diagnosed yourself.

ND might be stretching it - she isn't autistic. She has dyslexia and probably ADHD. She's not seen a doctor about any diagnosis & there is no chance of that happening with our GP surgery.

It may have already been said but ADHD and dyspraxia ARE ND. Does she behave like this on weekends when the pressure of school is less? I'm wondering if her problems at school are having more of an effect than you realize and it's coming out in behaviour.

I think it's time to go to the GP. You'll need to insist - she needs help. Your daughter isn't coping anywhere near as well as you think or she wouldn't be behaving this way. Maybe going to stay at her dad's will help all of you. You all need a break.

what would a doctor do for her?

My faith in the GP/NHS etc is really bottom of the barrel. Services here are almost impossible to access. But lets say I could access something for her what would that look like?

We got DD2 assessed for dyslexia privately (nothing available on NHS) and he saw she was dyslexic before she had finished the testing process. School has been pretty good and she is in a dyslexia group which she loves. She does OK in school - performs middle of the road. She grumbles about school a bit but I don't think that's anything usual.

You may wish to take oestrogen and progesterone together in a single pill.

The format I like for talking to those who upset me is:

When you do/say x, I feel y.

It's useful because you have their objective behaviour and your subjective feelings which can't be denied.

So when you shout at me in the mornings I feel upset, so please stop.

Also Zadie Smith said she allows her daughter 15 minutes in front of the mirror maximum. She says that's 15 minutes of the boys getting ahead. It's nice to look good but if it's at the cost of opportunities because the boys have a had start, it's not helping.

I would also tale a long weekend as leave and go somewhere lovely in January once they're back at school, by yourself. They can go to their dad and you get a break.

I wish you well.

For me getting diagnosed brought me understanding. Kindness to myself. Thinking "ok, i know why I'm struggling to cope/find that difficult - it's because I'm ND not because I'm defective or a shit mum." Knowing there are other people out there - before i found out what ADHD was, which led me to all of it, i thought i was just a failure at being a human.

My diagnosis changed my life. Before i was diagnosed i was as depressed and anxious as it was possible to be, but SSRIs didn't help. I'm about 2 years on from my AuDHD diagnosis and my mental health is totally transformed - through giving myself grace and understanding, and working to understand all the ways my ND conditions affect me and my life. I'm able to make changes to my routines and relationships which avoid me getting overstimulated and instead of beating myself up for not easily being able to do things other people can do easily, i accept it and move on.

For one thing, when i feel as burnt out as you do, i know why i feel burnt out. Pre diagnosis I used to call myself a shit mum and human and now i tell myself I'm a good mum, just one that needs a break so id be shipping the kids off to their dad's for a few days.

I think I would tell them that your swimming session has been shifted to 8am so you’ll be gone before then. Let them sort themselves out. Who wants to be yelled at every morning? I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I’m glad you’re getting mad rather than crushed OP. Keep it up - or send them to their fathers, I bet he wouldn’t fuss around them in the morning!

Diagnosis leading to more support at school. Understanding herself more as she grows up. As she reaches GCSE and school gets harder, she may need more reasonable adjustments at school and she might start to find it harder.

I don’t think this is about taking the right hormone pills it’s about getting your DDs understand that you’re at the end of your tether with their behaviour and if something does not fundamentally change they both need to live with their dad. (Your 17 yr old is being awful too in her own way).

I think you could start then with trying to understand yourself and how to avoid your own triggers.
Prioritise your routines and sleep - it might give you just enough bandwidth to deal with someone else's needs.

Mornings (or any time after waking) can be incredibly hard for someone with ADHD. I joke that I need a daily defibrillator or a cattle prod to get going! Other than that, I need 2h of slow, calm morning routines until I feel ready for the day and work. Any interruption can send me into frustration, a complete loss of timings and the sort of meltdowns where I feel like chucking in the job (because being somewhere on the minute dot is like the most stressful and evil thing in the whole universe!) and abandoning the kids right there and then (because I just.... Can't. Can't do it, it sucks. It's a slog.).

The lockdown was a living nightmare. I actually called the school in tears and told them that "I can't do homeschooling, it's going to ruin the relationship with my child".
They started with "yeah, we all are finding it difficult, blah, blah, blah..."
And I sort of laughed at them. The lockdown plus homeschooling had turned me into a monster in the making. I had so, so much pent up anger inside, that I was scared of it. I had made my child cry that day with shouting. That was day two that I had done it. I wasn't coping at all - I definitely wasn't cheerily cutting effin' shapes out of paper for school or baking fucking muffins for fun on the groundhog day nr. 246.
I wanted all the grannies to die, so we can get back to normal for once!!
This⬆️ is the point where I went to GP and got a referral that had me diagnosed with ADHD.

So I quit homeschooling and there wasn't another raised voice at home. We (my 6 year old and I) did adventure hikes, night-swims, exhilarating long runs in pouring rain, wrote reviews for all the ice cream and wine places we could hike to 😁, did funny treasure hunts... And it was great. Because at those stressful times that were overwhelming me, the homeschooling was a step too far. It was breaking me because it was dipping straight into my own weaknesses.

So try to understand fully your own needs and routes towards peace and joy before you try to help your overwhelmed teen. It will help you both at once.

I was the same with mirena and birth control. It took me years to realise I wasn't actually depressed as a person but I was reacting to the hormones in contraception.

That is interesting as the it took to late 30s to realise the pill was trigger for anxiety in me. I went back to GP to be told it couldn't be that at same time it was literally all over the news they'd done biggest ever trail and found the pill causes depression and anxiety in some women. Then got hard sell for the hormone coil where GP claimed hormones wouldn't travel - which sound untrue.

How is her and your sleep - it's been an issue with two of mine and we've been
told likely ADHD - DD1 manages with wind down time and repeat podcasts playing while going to sleep - I copied and never got to sleep so fast - DS well he doesn't and pays the consequences. Near exam time I do step in - lavender - wind down - warm spices milk sleep tea but I've got him to set alarms and he ignore them so he gets to be tired next day.

"So try to understand fully your own needs and routes towards peace and joy before you try to help your overwhelmed teen."

I have been focused on doing this for sometime now.
I'm not a self sacrificing type. I know I function best when I am going to yoga and swimming regularly, plus seeing my friends (not too much socialising though), eating healthy etc. I honestly have been cruising along quite nicely lately, having got life to a very pleasent hum, apart from these dreadul mornings. One of the wonderful things about my children getting old enough to be at home without me (and not wanting to do things with me now but with their friends), is I've really got back into doing what I like to do, the things that make me feel good and set me up for the day. We still hang out and spend time together as a family, but I have more time for myself and I'm loving it. I think every mother (and especially single parents) know how it is to lose themselves in the "family", and I hope we all get to discover the reemergence of ourselves and our lives when our freedoms increase.

DD2 is home - I've laid it all out. She has seen me express my anger, my frustration, my hurt. I have been very clear that I will not tolerate her shouting at me in the mornings anymore. I told her I felt bullied and her behaviour is abusive and feels designed to punish me for her frustrations. I will always support her but I am not her emotional punch bag and she must not confuse these things. I will not lie down and let her wipe her feet on me. If she persits with shouting at me and being disrespectful, rude and abusive in the morning she will need to go and live with her father. We have established that I am the only one she speaks to like this. I told her I felt like I wanted to drive away this morning and not come back. Yes I went there. We have discussed how her morning shouting and being rude is affecting our family life and makes everyone including DD2 unhappy and miserable, and achieves nothing. I have explained that she is to be out the door by 8am on school days and there are no more lifts. She has time to walk. DD2 has mentioned she has been tired, but also she has not been going to bed earlier even when I ask her to go to bed earlier. So she is back to a much earlier bedtime/lights out - she is really one of those people who needs a good nights sleep to function properly and there is room for improvement there provided I get invovled and enforce it. New bedtime routine will invovle me checking what is ready for tomorrow and lights out.

Thanks again to everyone for supporting me today and giving me great advice.

I will pass the baton re the ADHD/autism/doctor stuff to her Dad. He can be good with things like that though he wouldn't think of doing it off his own back. But I will delegate that to him. I find trying to deal with the GP's receptionist overwhelming these days.

That sounds like a very productive conversation, and you were right to be direct.
Now talk to DD1! Be just as clear and straightforward.

"That is interesting as the it took to late 30s to realise the pill was trigger for anxiety in me. I went back to GP to be told it couldn't be that at same time it was literally all over the news they'd done biggest ever trail and found the pill causes depression and anxiety in some women. Then got hard sell for the hormone coil where GP claimed hormones wouldn't travel - which sound untrue."

I think it was an article about the same trial that alerted me. I remember reading the article and thinking to myself "gosh this makes sense - thank goodness I am on the mirena now <smug git>" and then the last sentance of the article effectively said they think the effects were worse with the mirena coil.

And all the scales fell from my eyes and I realised this "depressive" personality of mine was hormonal contracpetive induced. It honestly affected how I saw myself my entire adult life - and as I started with the pill on the back of coming out of a very traumatic homelife I though I was depressed and it was all me. Similar with the mirena - I ha it installed after DD2 was born and I BF her for 18 months - I think the oxytocin etc masked the effects while I was BF. Then I separated from my XP, stopped BF about the same time and thought the depression was me/my life again. As soon as the mirena was out I started to feel better - but I had several years severely affected.

The whole time doctors offered me anti-d's and denied that contraception could affect me like it had. Big lie!! They know and they lie to women.

There is a massive correlation between women going on hormonal contraception & shortly afterwards going on anti-d's..

the study was in 2016 - I wonder if they "followed up"?

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2016/sep/28/women-taking-contraceptive-pill-more-likely-to-be-treated-for-depression-study-finds

I'm old school (sometimes)

If they think you're shouting, I would demonstrated shouting

Then point out the difference

Can DD1 go to her fathers for a while?

That was a very good conversation.

Did you feel a repair in the relationship after it? Would it be worth getting a hug from her/giving her a hug later this evening to reconnect after she has had time to process it all?