Sexless relationships - please share your experiences

[Joe7t8]

Hi all. I’m a man in a sexless relationship. I’d rather not be, and our sex life was initially great and still good until around 3 years ago. Unfortunately however, it tailed off over about 2 years to the extent that it completely stopped, which was basically when I gave up even trying to initiate. Being constantly rejected chips away at self esteem and starts to become a bit humiliating. I couldn’t take it anymore.

We’re both in our mid 40s and have 3 children to look after, so life isn’t without its stresses and challenges, but it feels far too young to be giving up on that part of life.

I am unsure whether or not my wife has gone off sex, or if she has just gone off sex with me. I can’t rule out the former but have always had the feeling that it’s the latter. As a result I have put loads of effort into myself to try and increase attraction, but all to no avail. It really is very disheartening and I console myself with the fact that I have at least got myself much fitter (back into 32” trousers) and have a much more stylish wardrobe.

I am fully aware that I don’t have an entitlement to sex with anyone, but I just feel so trapped and lonely in this relationship right now. I can’t see myself actively seeking intimacy outside of the relationship, but if the opportunity came along then I’m fairly sure I wouldn’t turn it down. In the longer term, I’m not actually sure where things are going but there does seem a sense of inevitability about it.

Reason I started this thread wasn’t looking for advice or opinion - please feel free to give it thiugh - but because I read another similar thread on here earlier today where both men and women shared their experiences, frustrations and sadness about their sexless relationships, and it just made me feel a bit better and less alone to know that I’m not the only one suffering. This subject was however over a year old so I didn’t want to dig it up so thought a fresh version was in order.

Not another one.

Have a conversation with your wife, and say everything you have said. Have an open conversation and see where it goes.

These threads never ever seem to give any indication of the ‘wife’ being a fully dimensional person with their own hopes, dreams, personalities etc. There is never any indication of companionship, friendship, caring, compatibility or the joy of family life. It always boils down to a binary of sex, or ‘suffering’ with no sex.

Maybe your wife knows she is just considered an interchangeable orifice for you and that’s why she has the ick.

Try working less on your waistband on more on being her friend.

What made her want to have sec with you in the first place?

OP, with you being a man: these types of threads will never give you the answer you want to hear.

it will almost always boil down to ‘ do more housework’ ‘ be a better husband’ and ‘ sex isn’t the be all and end all’

unfortunately; and call me cynical, but I feel once a woman ( not all but at least more than some ) have their family life, husband, kids, nice house, they feel their job is done and moving to a platonic friendship is a lot more common than people realise.

Have a chat with her, if she has gone off sex, or gone off sex with you and there is no solution, then you need to decide what’s more important, playing happy families or a fulfilling sex life.

Anger is a massive passion killer. You need to figure out (with her) what can be changed.

You might have to figure out how to get her to fall back in love with you. Again, ask her.

Explain what you mean by great. You have to remember there is a variation between people and groups on how important sex is to them. I'm not sure the Mumsnet demographic is the best place for a man to be telling a woe-is-me tale.

it happens the other way to - with the woman feeling like this but talked about much less often.

it is lonely. would agree to try talking it though - however it's hard because no one wants to feel like a sex pest

You won't get much productive feedback posting this kind of topic as a man, unfortunately. I think the only real way around this is to tell your wife everything you've said here in a non-bitter fashion, not in your bedroom, and when no kids are around. It's impossible to know until you talk to her.

What I would say from your post is that it is extremely unlikely to be your physical appearance that will have cause your sex life to dwindle - if this was an issue you would likely have heard about it either directly or by inference. This, to me, is you approaching the subject thinking from a man's perspective (obviously) - I'd say a much more likely scenario is that your wife is feeling disconnected in some way, exhausted and touched out, like she has lost her identity as a woman, like she doesn't have the mental headspace to get in the mood for sex, or a combination of these.

In fact, improving your appearance may have the opposite effect of unsettling your wife further and making her think you're preparing to move on to someone else - believe me, she will be fully aware that sex is a problem and likely dwelling on it much more than you think she is.

It's very hard to know the answer as we don't know what's going in in your wife's head. You're assuming reasons for her disinterest but it could be any number of things.
Pick your moment to tell her your concerns and ask her if there's anything you can do, or that you can both do, to change things as you are unhappy with the situation. Communication is key and you need to know how she really feels. We can only guess!

As is customary with MN you'll probably have the usual snarky responses to tell you how unreasonable you are (I see there's already at least one of those above) but try and put those to one side. The right thing to do is talk to your wife and make sure you both have clear communication that's non-confrontational but gets both your voices heard. You could try couples counselling if it feels too much to try talking alone. You are correct that you're both too young to be leaving that stage of life behind. I too am mid-40s, married with children and a busy day to day life. We still have time for intimacy, maybe not every night but certainly often enough that we're both fulfilled and happy. Do you still have any level of intimacy like kisses, cuddles, touching etc or is there none at all?

Not sure why people are answering rudely here. perfectly normal query in a marriage.

Look - communication is key here. Swap 'sex' for any other problem in a marriage where there are complex and different expectations and also a lot of emotive feeling about what should be happening etc - you need to talk\

She might not 'owe' you sex but in a relationship you owe each other open communication

You are allowed to want it more than you are getting it!

Without sex its just friends raising kids isn't it - people are entitled to want more - but also have to be realistic about the imapct children/ exhaustion has

The real answer would be therapy I think would she do it?

This ^

Men tend to get a very hard time here in MN OP. Your question isn't unreasonable and if you went into every facet of your relationship you'd have written an essay. None of us can tell you why you and your wife aren't having sex any more, so you need to communicate in a non-confrontational way. Get away from the kids, go for a walk and talk to each other.

Some interesting replies. Maybe I should’ve pretended to be a women if I’d wanted more empathy, but I prefer honesty even in an anonymous parenting forum.

Discussions have been had and in addition to workubg on myself I really have tried all the usual things, such as voluntarily picking up a lot of the home workload despite the fact that I work full time. She certainly has appreciated that aspect, but it’s not brought any desire back. And while it comes to intimacy, I want it to be because she wants it with me and not as a reward for getting the children up, ready and taken to school every day.

On one of the previous threads about this someone recommended a book called 'female infidelity'. I was curious and had a look and it talks about the fact that women crave variety after a certain point and this can be a normal feature of female sexuality. So your question about whether she's gone off sex generally or just with you is relevant. I agree with pp it won't be to do with how you look though. I have definitely got a bit sexually bored with my dh even though he's attractive and good in bed. But he is absolutely amazing as a husband so im very sensitive to his experience of the relationship and I always prioritise sex and make sure it happens even if it's a mental effort for me to shift gears and get in that zone. The fact that your wife is NOT doing that for you suggests she is either unhappy with some aspects of the relationship- or just generally too stressed and her libido is dead currently. You can only find this out through talking.

Maybe read all the similar posts, the actual advice is pretty much the same, try to talk about it, see if there’s any reason, consider therapy( good luck accessing that) if there’s a relationship issue, see if their is a compromise ,accept it or move on, not sure there are any easy answers

@cheezncrackers It's because the only posts men make on here is moaning that their wives aren't having sex with them, and come to a predominantly female forum for us to advise them how to persuade their wives to have more sex.

You have said you are both in your 40's,as a woman hormones can be really up and down now.Also,foreplay for women is a 24/7 job so if she feels you're not pulling your weight at home and then want sex than that would put any woman off (not saying you are doing this).

I'd talk to her!

OP, you say discussions have been had but don't say what your wife offered as a reason. You've worked on yourself and have tried to help more at home but it's made no difference to her interest in you so its not that. Does your wife go out to work and have a a wide friendship circle, is she happy? If all these things are good then it could be hormonal. Peri menopause can play havoc with your hormones and can definitely affect libido.

Have an affair... might ignite a bit of fire in her belly....

My wife doesn’t work. She’s a full-time SAHM. We don’t need the money while I’m working FT, but I sometimes wonder if her going back to work wouldn’t be a bad thing for her. It’d certainly be nice for me if I could cut back to 3 days a week.

@Alwayslurkingsometimesposting thanks for the recommendation, although I’m not sure that the craving for sexual variety is a female-only trait. That’s just human nature, isn’t it?

Your question and the way you point isn't problematic imo. It's hard to be in a sexless marriage and to have to resign yourself to that. In a previous marriage my partner had an accident and was unwell for two years, unable to have sex and it was tough going. It's like you have to switch that part of your mind off constantly, I was in my early thirties at the time and it wasn't very long into the marriage, so even though he recovered over time, at the time I didn't know if the spark would ever come back - and it is a spark, when you kiss a person and they come to life.

What happens when you talk to your wife about it? Has she given reasons or is it all a bit vague?

Something my therapist at the time said helped was making sure there were a lot of hugs and physical contact that wasn't sexual - that the reassurance and the comfort could reignite the safety and the intimacy around that.

What was your sex life like before?

Only speaking from my own experience - it was only after we broke up that I realised I lost interest when I started to see DP as quite emotionally immature and felt like I had another child to look after. I had nothing left to give after doing all the emotional heavy lifting.

It's also sometimes hard to talk about in a relationship because once it becomes a "thing" there can be a mental block then and it can make it worse.
The problem with having an affair is of course that it will destabilise everything and you'll lose your family eventually.

Full time SAHM can be a tricky mode to switch out of in terms of feeling sexual, do you have "dates" without the kids being around ever? Does she need more opportunities to dress up and go out? I know when I've been working from home and parenting when the kids were younger it was important for me to have time with my partner on our own, somewhere out of the house where I could put on some nice clothes and feel attractive.