Sexless relationships - please share your experiences

[Joe7t8]

Hi all. I’m a man in a sexless relationship. I’d rather not be, and our sex life was initially great and still good until around 3 years ago. Unfortunately however, it tailed off over about 2 years to the extent that it completely stopped, which was basically when I gave up even trying to initiate. Being constantly rejected chips away at self esteem and starts to become a bit humiliating. I couldn’t take it anymore.

We’re both in our mid 40s and have 3 children to look after, so life isn’t without its stresses and challenges, but it feels far too young to be giving up on that part of life.

I am unsure whether or not my wife has gone off sex, or if she has just gone off sex with me. I can’t rule out the former but have always had the feeling that it’s the latter. As a result I have put loads of effort into myself to try and increase attraction, but all to no avail. It really is very disheartening and I console myself with the fact that I have at least got myself much fitter (back into 32” trousers) and have a much more stylish wardrobe.

I am fully aware that I don’t have an entitlement to sex with anyone, but I just feel so trapped and lonely in this relationship right now. I can’t see myself actively seeking intimacy outside of the relationship, but if the opportunity came along then I’m fairly sure I wouldn’t turn it down. In the longer term, I’m not actually sure where things are going but there does seem a sense of inevitability about it.

Reason I started this thread wasn’t looking for advice or opinion - please feel free to give it thiugh - but because I read another similar thread on here earlier today where both men and women shared their experiences, frustrations and sadness about their sexless relationships, and it just made me feel a bit better and less alone to know that I’m not the only one suffering. This subject was however over a year old so I didn’t want to dig it up so thought a fresh version was in order.

Anecdotally, it's more of a problem amongst my social group blokes losing interest than the other way round.

I do have desire- I think the problem is that living together and having children together takes away a lot of the magic and mystery that makes the spark. It’s harder to feel sexy about someone when you’re washing their old underpants and they’re leaving stubble in the clean bathroom sink. Or getting grumpy about the kids playing up. We lived apart until we got married and given the chance I would do this again. (Obviously not practical with young children right now).

I’m still attracted to my husband and he says he is to me but he doesn’t always show it. I suspect he’s autistic (so does he) and he doesn’t initiate these difficult conversations about our relationship so it’s left to me. I find it hard sometimes to take the emotional initiative all the time, it feels like more mental load for me.

As a wife I would really appreciate my husband checking in on things in the relationship. Maybe have a chat with your wife if things are weighing on your mind?

I have the paper copy but for anyone who has a Readly account and may be interested.

https://gb.readly.com/magazines/good-housekeeping-uk/2024-12-05/674d5bc3e2a92788d195d7bf

Yes, its covered in the article ive linked to. Its "Mark" who has lost interest not "Kate"

Maybe you need to re-read the OP's post again, he has three children.

Yes, men go off sex as well, but that is typically down to ED or similar issues or an affair of some kind. A woman is much more likely to go off sex due to hormonal changes along with feeling unwanted or a lack of help around the house / family life.

You are also implying that my idea that 'some woman' go off sex once they have their family life applies to ALL woman as quoted by you, which is not true and not what I said.

Lastly, i never mentioned PIV. In fact, according to my woman's own article from 1968 I didn't even mention the word sex.

Someone needs to go to Specsavers.

I WAS NOT REPLYING TO THE OP FFS i know he has three children
@category12 got what i meant

WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT OF QUOTING POSTS IF POSTERS ARE GOING TO INSIST THAT YOU ARE REPLYING TO SOMEONE ELSE

I have posted on MN several times about this (under my previous name) before finally ending a sexless relationship.

I still find the double standards astounding. Almost every single response I received was to LTB as it was impacting my self-esteem and self-worth. I was a shadow of my former self and he had no interest in working on it and didn't care that it upset me.

Is a man not allowed to feel the same way? Its like woman jump to the assumption that the man is useless, not helping around the house and a sex pest

erm, i know that, you were quoting me, and i disagreed with what you said, hence why i quoted and replied.

@litepop couldn't agree more, and the woman on here wonder why some men conceal their sex. TBF, bar a few exceptions, the response has been better than usual and the OP hasn't been torn a new one which is quite common when men post on this kind if subject.

@JenniferBooth ' i know the OP doesn't have kids' ........

The only solution is to start a conversation. Talk about your feelings. How does the lack of closeness and sex make you feel?

Then listen to what, if anything, she has to say.

If she refuses to discuss or closes the conversation down then I would have to consider whether I can live without affection and sex long term. Or whether this signals the death of the relationship for you.

Sadly too many partners unilaterally decide they're not going to have sex anymore but don't communicate this to their partner, because they know it would risk the end of the life they enjoy.

It is a complex area in any relationship and difficult to reignite if the fire has truly gone out.

THIS!

I can’t see myself actively seeking intimacy outside of the relationship, but if the opportunity came along then I’m fairly sure I wouldn’t turn it down

That ⬆️ is probably why you’re not getting the responses you want, it has nothing to do with being a man. Saying you would cheat doesn’t put anyone in a good light

I'm sure that everyone who has this problem discussed this situation at least 1000 times and in various ways. The response is nearly always radio silence.

You say discussions have been had - what was the outcome of those discussions?

I'm a woman and wouldn't stay in a relationship with little to no sex, no matter what. I'm pretty sure all my past partners have been well aware of that 😂

It's very likely that she doesn't realise what sex with her means to you - that it's a prime way for you to feel close to her and to bond with her, and that her not wanting you makes you feel really low. As women, we can bond as well through talking, and she might just assume that sex for you means getting your leg over.

You HAVE to communicate what the lack of sex is doing to you. I have been in a sexless marriage and it was so much worse than I'd ever have thought it could be. I didn't think of myself as being especially into sex, but when my own spouse didn't want me for months on end, I have never felt so bleak and miserable and insignificant. It's actually quite unfair for someone to take you off the market and then refuse you sex. But it's about soooo much more than the act. It's about feeling loved, wanted, special, desired, all the things.

It's on YOU to sit her down and talk to her frankly and calmly about this. You absolutely must get through to her that sex WITH HER means a lot to you, and how sad you are without it. And make it clear that sex is off the table for the moment, so she doesn't feel pressured. And you want her to want it, anyway. You don't want a pity shag.

The book MATING IN CAPTIVITY might help. Some women interviewed for the book felt that marriage had legitimised sex so much that all the eroticness of it had disappeared. One woman talks about about how, after marriage, sex isn't as mentally arousing for her because she was now officially his only option.

The other thing worth knowing is that men's drives tend to be spontaneous whereas women's are reactive. So she won't spontaneously want it like you do, now that the early days are past. For me, scheduling sex tends to work, as then I have some time to look forward to it and get turned on thinking about it.

Check that you're not doing things like belching or have any other offputting habits, and be honest with yourself about if you do enough domestically.

But I think a lot of these problems can stem from the fact that our desire is largely reactive, not spontaneous. So unless you plan it, "it" never happens.

Try cuddling with no expectation of sex, and then touching sensitive parts of her skin, like running your hands through her hair, kissing her neck, etc. That's the kind of touch that can get us going, especially if we think he's just really enjoying touching us and not treating it as a short stop on the way to Legover Land.

Another comment - be aware that many women don't orgasm during penetrative sex without clitoral stimulation. I certainly don't. CV distance is a thing. (Clitoral-vaginal distance.) My distance is over 2.5 cm and when it comes to penetrative sex, my clitoris might as well be in Scotland. At the ripe old age of 50, a man eventually bothered to use a Magic Wand on me while we were having PIV, and oh man, did I have the fireworks! We came together for the first time in my life, and honestly, it was incredible. I cannot believe that my ex-husband of many years never even bothered to use a toy on my clit during sex. It made the world of difference to how much I wanted it, not surprisingly.

www.refinery29.com/en-us/cv-distance-rule-vagina-clitoris-orgasm

What stories would you like to hear, OP?
I'm 45, at 40 completely lost interest in sex (surely the disgust was there before, but at that age I finally voiced it) and after conversation my husband chose to stay with me and for marriage to continue.
We don't have any children, there's a significant age difference between us and I couldn't be happier sex free.
👍

At least you didn't compare yourself to a vibrator this time

@Nothatgingerpirate
Do you mean that at 40 you realised that sex disgusted you or did it always disgust you but you were afraid to voice it?

Yes, it was inconvenient to mention it, also in my time "abnormal" and definitely impractical.
Now I don't give two monkeys and definitely wouldn't go for some synthetic hormones or whatever to "want sex".

What's her answer for why she doesn't want sex? When I lost my sex drive it was all to do with my self esteem after I gained weight and absolutely nothing to do with my DH. Since I've lost it again things are back to normal, just another option to consider. You're only a few years older than me, if things don't improve I don't see how you can carry on living in a sex less marriage.

@Nothatgingerpirate
Do you ever feel any pang of guilt that you might have involved your husband in a relationship under false pretences?

Most men would probably think that they wanting to have sex with you, despite having gained weight, would boost your sense of self esteem?

Read up on perimenopause, then start supporting your wife through one of the shittiest phases of her life, instead of making it all about you.