Sexless relationships - please share your experiences

[Joe7t8]

Hi all. I’m a man in a sexless relationship. I’d rather not be, and our sex life was initially great and still good until around 3 years ago. Unfortunately however, it tailed off over about 2 years to the extent that it completely stopped, which was basically when I gave up even trying to initiate. Being constantly rejected chips away at self esteem and starts to become a bit humiliating. I couldn’t take it anymore.

We’re both in our mid 40s and have 3 children to look after, so life isn’t without its stresses and challenges, but it feels far too young to be giving up on that part of life.

I am unsure whether or not my wife has gone off sex, or if she has just gone off sex with me. I can’t rule out the former but have always had the feeling that it’s the latter. As a result I have put loads of effort into myself to try and increase attraction, but all to no avail. It really is very disheartening and I console myself with the fact that I have at least got myself much fitter (back into 32” trousers) and have a much more stylish wardrobe.

I am fully aware that I don’t have an entitlement to sex with anyone, but I just feel so trapped and lonely in this relationship right now. I can’t see myself actively seeking intimacy outside of the relationship, but if the opportunity came along then I’m fairly sure I wouldn’t turn it down. In the longer term, I’m not actually sure where things are going but there does seem a sense of inevitability about it.

Reason I started this thread wasn’t looking for advice or opinion - please feel free to give it thiugh - but because I read another similar thread on here earlier today where both men and women shared their experiences, frustrations and sadness about their sexless relationships, and it just made me feel a bit better and less alone to know that I’m not the only one suffering. This subject was however over a year old so I didn’t want to dig it up so thought a fresh version was in order.

when you asked her why - what did she say? could be she lacks confidence / not happy with her body after 3 births?

This is very true. I think that there’s a fine line between talking about the lack of intimacy and what could feel like pestering for sex.

Going out for an evening is a nice idea, and it’s certainly something that I’ve arranged at times over the last couple of years - for the sake of both of us. I have to be careful to just enjoy it for what it is, however, as I’ve found myself subconsciously getting my hopes up because we’ve had a nice evening together. And then when the evening ends with nothing more than a goodnight kiss, I’ll end up lying there feeling even more resentful.

The reasons why you are in this situation are likely complex. I agree, couple counselling will be your best hope as these conversations can be hard to have without misunderstandings getting in the way and making it worse. Perhaps you could take your mind off the sex and focus on all the other things that your wife might appreciate and could make her feel more affectionate like, respect, care, support, nurturing, the things that make people feel valued and loved. You may not have considered this but, sex might make you feel loved but it doesn’t necessarily work like that for your wife. Your behaviour is more likely to have something to do with it rather than your appearance. Focusing on your own appearance isn’t bad but don’t get carried away, it might be making the situation worse and some of your behaviours may be a real turn off. It could be purely about the place your wife is in right now and she might find it very difficult to talk about. Whatever it is that has stopped your wife from wanting sex with you, it won’t change because you do the odd nice thing here and there. Counselling will get to the bottom of it.

As a women who stopped having sex with her DH I can speak to this to some degree. I grew resentful of his selfishness and his lack of interest in my enjoyment during sex, and I completely went off the idea, although I am a very sexual person by nature (and am again with a new partner). There's a strong emotional relationship for me with intimacy, and being resentful and angry at someone means I don't want to shag them. I used to blame menopause, but that was simply an excuse as the idea of sleeping with him gave me panic attacks at the end.

However, there are also women who actively decide that sex was something for when they were younger, and a means to an end. they have the children, the partner and the nice life which means they no longer have to bother with something they perhaps never particularly enjoyed.

You can only find out what your DW thinks if you ask her, and don't let her give you some half truth - you need to know the reasons, as painful as they may be to listen to. Maybe it's resentment, maybe she's just really not bothered anymore and hoping that since you never complain about it any more you aren't that bothered either and will just sort yourself out. You need to get it out in the open because it will not miraculously change by itself.

OP, you need some couples counselling. Ask your wife to go with you and if she refuses, tell her what you said to us: that if the opportunity for sex elsewhere comes your way, you are likely to accept.
As a PP said, tell her this at a time when the two of you are on your own and both have time to talk properly.
If couples counselling doesn't help move things on sexually, you can use the sessions to talk about whether and how you separate.

This was the same for me.

How do you know whether posters are female or male?

Going out for an evening is a nice idea, and it’s certainly something that I’ve arranged at times over the last couple of years - for the sake of both of us. I have to be careful to just enjoy it for what it is, however, as I’ve found myself subconsciously getting my hopes up because we’ve had a nice evening together. And then when the evening ends with nothing more than a goodnight kiss, I’ll end up lying there feeling even more resentful.

It doesn't sound like these date nights are often?

If you're stuck in a rut of being mum and dad and there's little time to be man and woman, sex can become just another chore which is not exactly going to lead to enthusiasm.

It might help to have regular date nights (with no expectations of sex) just for the fun of being together and reconnecting as people. Rebuild intimacy as if you've just started dating.

How old are your children? When my eldest was a baby and I was breastfeeding I couldn’t bear the idea of sex. Are they sleeping well or is she still up in the night with them? I think it’s pretty normal for mothers of babies and toddlers to feel touched out and not want sex. If they’re older children then it’s a bit different.

I think it can also be difficult for partners to see their co-parent (partner/husband etc) as sexual after having children together. When you’re both tired and dealing with the daily grind it can be hard to get that spark back. I feel a bit that way too, I’m in my mid 40s and I still have sexual desire but it’s harder to feel it for my husband now we have children and our family is complete. He lost the desire too for a while, but we’re trying to work through it now for our family.

Reading with interest as my husband could be you in a few years. Right now he wants sex every day and I could do once a month and I dread him asking. I wonder if my libido is ever coming back.

for me, I was a very sexual person before I met DH and had great sexual with long term BF we were very compatible.
with DH it was good but not great but I was happy enough with the relationship as a whole so I thought I could accept our okay sex life. (He wasn’t very attentive to my needs in bed and didn’t read my enjoyment levels v well).

after a few years I realised I initiated all the time and he was reluctant and I brought it up to discuss. He said he saw sex as a treat to savour every now and then and he didn’t want it every week. he now says he had depression at this point but is vague on how much he agrees he wasn’t in to it.

as soon as we had DC1 I thought great our sex drives will now probably match as we will both only want it once or twice a month.

But no as soon as I had c section and a newborn suddenly he wanted sex ALL THE TIME.
we had lots of relationship problems in the first year or two after dc1 and I felt so much anger about unresolved issues (mainly I thought we were going to be parents together, and I was so lonely being a main caregiver alone doing all the nights etc).

he then gets more resentful at lack of sex and effort on my part (not doing enough sexy underwear). I get more pissed off at being seen as a sex doll. He gets more pissed off at lack of sex. Things are just shit.
he has an affair when dc2 is a newborn and apparently we aren’t having enough sex (twice in 12 weeks post partum).

now our sex life is roughly once a week and he complains all the time it’s never enough and it’s how he feels loved. The more he pesters me the more I feel the ick. I can only see myself wanting less and less sex. Worried about the future.

H, Magic and thanks for your input. In your case when you say you have sexual desire but not for your husband, is this to say that you’d like to have sex with someone, just not him, or that you’d rather just make do with the convenience of sorting the sexual itch out yourself?

in either case, why is it that you don’t feel that way for you husband after children? Or is it maybe just something you just can’t put your finger on?

What a load of stereotypical crap!
A. where do child free by choice women fit into your Womans Own article from 1968?
B.Plenty of men go off sex too, as evidenced in the article about sexless relationships in this months Good Housekeeping. And then on mumsnet the woman gets asked if her appearance has changed. its not just PIV as your post seems to iindicate. Its affection and intimacy. Its sexual chemistry between two people and wanting to be with them. Its emotional connection. All this goes missing too.

@XmasAlone Because the men posting about their sex lives tend to announce their presence

You might want to read the op, they have children. So being child-free isn't even appropriate. The dead bedroom is predominantly the female not wanting sex with the male and is so in this discussion. It's common knowledge and common in lesbian relationships too.

Certainly for me and dp sex is at the top of our coupledom which means multiple times per day or at least once per day regardless of family, work or other commitments. I believe for some couples it isn't that important and ratchets down on a scale.
Where these two are on this scale is what needs to be established.

As PPs observe, this is a recurring topic on MN.
Is your issue wanting sex or wanting a fulfilling relationship with your wife? Are you missing the wonderful woman you married or just wanting to shag more?

If you want to increase connection and intimacy your relationship, then make time to date and woo your wife. Let her know that you value her company and want to be with her. Remember how hard you worked, back in the day, to go on dates and do things together? Flirt and chat so she knows you fancy HER (not just getting your end away). Send her little messages to let her know you're thinking about her (not: have you emptied the d/w). Compliment her every day and make eyes at her a little so she knows you fancy HER. Remind her of great times you had together. Give her a squeeze and a kiss without expecting anything other than the pleasure of touching someone you love. It may seem like a big effort but she might reciprocate might both recover her spark for you.

After spending all day comforting someone else (the DCs), I would have loved to have someone hug and comfort me.

My DH was a great dad and really good help around the house but I could never make him understand that his attention, admiration, encouragement and low-stakes touching was the key to turn me on. Years ago, I was at a friend's house when her husband arrived home. She was chairing a committee meeting at the kitchen table. He greeted us all and then went round the table to give her shoulder a squeeze and kiss her cheek. I've never been so jealous in my life. He clearly fancied her and she was his priority.

But men do post on all sorts of topics without necessarily announcing that they are male.

On this specific type of topic they usually say if they are male though some don't reveal that or post it as a reverse.

@Bettyboo111 my post was in reply to the person i quoted not the OP You must be new around here. the person i quoted said that once women had got their family life that that was it. So i replied so how does that work with child free by choice women. Get it now? I know the OP doesnt have kids My reply was not to him. But you knew that didnt you. You just wanted me to have to type it all out again. Happens a lot on here on all boards!

@XmasAlone Maybe they do, who knows. I can only go off what I see, which is men always announcing themselves to moan about the same thing, hoping for the female perspective to encourage their wives to have sex with them

Literally says not looking for advice in the OP. Poor reading comprehension on your part or just plain old nastiness?

Hi OP.
I think this is a common complaint in most marriages, is differences of sex drives. Unfortunately, for us ladies a lot can affect a sex drive. Whether that be stress, mental health problems, hormonal changes and approaching your mid 40s possibly peri-menopause. It is definitely worth sitting down with your wife and having a very calm and sensitive conversation with her in regards to why this is happening. It is easy to become defensive within a conversation along these lines, because sometimes, from a womans perspective she is giving everything in every other area and may feel she cannot keep up in the mists of being a mother as well which can be overstimulating in the way of being constantly touched, your never left alone. An open and honest conversation is definitely needed. Keep communication open at all times. Good luck.

@Deargodletitgo very good post- I've been married twice ( still married) and lived with someone else for 3 years- every single time I'm ok at the start and then just lose interest sexually after about 3 years. I'm simply not that bothered about sex - clearly it seems I'm asexual -I like relationships just not sex - I'm now 62 and have been honest about this and said if it's a reason to split that I do understand -

I saw a tik tok once about the difference between desire types, which I'll summarise below:

Reactive desire
Also known as responsive desire, this type of desire is triggered by something external, such as physical touch, emotional intimacy, or the right environment. It's an openness to exploring pleasure and seeing where it goes.
Spontaneous desire
This type of desire is often portrayed in the media and is characterized by a sudden urge or "spark" that seems to come out of nowhere. It can be experienced at the drop of a dime and is sparked by even a small thing.

Both types of desire are normal and neither is better than the other. However, responsive desire is associated with great sex over the long term, while spontaneous desire is not.

So research has shown that women often have reactive desire, but we seem to be waiting to be hit by spontaneous desire before we want to have sex. That horny feeling, that must rip off their clothes feeling. And when that doesn't come, for what ever reason, we don't think we want sex. But with responsive desire, you may find that the desire ignites as you go.

This is often the case for me, although I do have both depending on how I am feeling.

It would be worrying as a partner, however, if your partner was unable to show either - and of course there could be a fine line between attempting to ignite reactive desire and being seen as pushy or a pest.

No.
You just wanted to stick your ten penenth in with something non-constructive.
Like a lot of posters around here.

@indigovapour He says that but also advise welcome. Either way, that is the underlying reason to post here as I'm sure you can see by the responses to this (and infact, all) threads

What because i objected to the oudated misogynistic notion that once women have got their families they lose interest in sex, which insinuates that women dont really like sex anyway. It was in reply to another poster not the OP Thats how public forums work