Sexless relationships - please share your experiences

[Joe7t8]

Hi all. I’m a man in a sexless relationship. I’d rather not be, and our sex life was initially great and still good until around 3 years ago. Unfortunately however, it tailed off over about 2 years to the extent that it completely stopped, which was basically when I gave up even trying to initiate. Being constantly rejected chips away at self esteem and starts to become a bit humiliating. I couldn’t take it anymore.

We’re both in our mid 40s and have 3 children to look after, so life isn’t without its stresses and challenges, but it feels far too young to be giving up on that part of life.

I am unsure whether or not my wife has gone off sex, or if she has just gone off sex with me. I can’t rule out the former but have always had the feeling that it’s the latter. As a result I have put loads of effort into myself to try and increase attraction, but all to no avail. It really is very disheartening and I console myself with the fact that I have at least got myself much fitter (back into 32” trousers) and have a much more stylish wardrobe.

I am fully aware that I don’t have an entitlement to sex with anyone, but I just feel so trapped and lonely in this relationship right now. I can’t see myself actively seeking intimacy outside of the relationship, but if the opportunity came along then I’m fairly sure I wouldn’t turn it down. In the longer term, I’m not actually sure where things are going but there does seem a sense of inevitability about it.

Reason I started this thread wasn’t looking for advice or opinion - please feel free to give it thiugh - but because I read another similar thread on here earlier today where both men and women shared their experiences, frustrations and sadness about their sexless relationships, and it just made me feel a bit better and less alone to know that I’m not the only one suffering. This subject was however over a year old so I didn’t want to dig it up so thought a fresh version was in order.

It’s not unusual for sex to become sporadic in a long term relationship but this key issue is whether there is still intimacy. Do you still hold hands when you walk together? Do you touch her shoulder as you pass in the kitchen? Do you cuddle on the sofa or kiss good night? If not, then that is where you should be focussing your attention.

Try having another conversation about intimacy and what it means to you both. It can be helpful if she feels secure that a cuddle isn’t going to lead to an expectation of sex. Can you promise her that?

Ester Perel has some great advice about female desire. Fundamentally, women only feel desire for a man if they feel desirable themselves. It’s narcissistic… she doesn’t care if you desire her. You could stand there with the world’s biggest erection and the shop is still shut. For her to be turned on, she must BE the turn on. “She must first want to make love to herself” How desirable does your DW feel? Does she feel good in her own skin? Is she confident in her body? Or is she self-critical?

How can you help your wife to feel more desirable? A clue… it isn’t buying her lingerie.

https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship?subtitle=en

No, not at all.
It was well talked through with my husband, who
has always been very mature minded.
He often says how happy and grateful he is, so - all good.

I am a woman that always ends up being in sexless relationships - because I make them that way. It’s just the way I am … my relationships start off passionate…really into the person and then about the 2yr mark my brain changes and I no longer have the desire. Literally one day I will wake up and things feel different and it’s like … ‘Oh no, it’s happening!!’

I’ve been in two long term relationships of 10yrs (47 now) and probably another 12yrs in 3/4 relationships and the same has happened.

Currently single and think my next relationship I’m going to just fast forward to 20yrs in the future and just say I’m looking for companionship.

👋 ex-wife

Does he have a low sex-drive himself?

Is it open on his side?

What do you mean hes always been mature minded Are you saying someone who wants affection and intimacy is immature

@OneOliveEagle - yep me too!

It’s comments like this which is the prime reason why a man will hide his sex identity. It is of no help what’s ever, how the hell do you know what the op does or doesn’t do in regards to helping and supporting his wife?

What a shitty thing to say, although normally the norm for MN.

He's 75.
It's definitely not open on his side.
To reply to all PPs, as I said, we are both fine.

This isn't my thread, either.

Neither myself nor my husband ever desired to go through a divorce, in which I would be entitled to a part of his massive fortune for sure.

Neither of us ever felt it was worth while for the "old in and out".

Oh with him being 30 yrs older than you, I think it's a bit of a different thing than a couple both in their 40s.

OP wife is mid 40s the time when peri menopause starts, common symptoms include poor sleep/fatigue, anxiety/depression, reduced libido and vaginal dryness, none of which make for a rampant sex life!

OP stated in his opening post that he had considered it could be a general problem for his wife with regards to sex, but then that he had dismissed this and concluded that it must be a problem with him, with no reason given as to why he's come to this conclusion.

He then goes on to list his strategies to improve things, none of which mention enquiring after his wife's health, which would be the first step if he was concerned that his wife might possibly be suffering.

I don't see why suggesting perimenopause at the statistically likely time for perimenopause occurring is particularly controversial.

It was the way you said it not so much the thing you said. Had you have written what you’ve just written, with an explanation it would be much more helpful for the OP.

However, it unfortunately comes down to double standards again. Take ED as an example - There are countless threads about ED, and every single one, without exception the wife or partner feels rejected, when in actual fact it has nothing to do with them, it’s not a she problem it’s a he problem. Common answers are LTB , imagine having no sex for the rest of your life - yet no one/very few here are telling the OP to leave….Why?

So, in the OP’s, situation, going two years without sex, being rejected and not communicating - how the hell do you think he feels?

I’m sure OP isn’t after a rampant sex life, but he IS after a sex life of some kind with his wife and whether she is peri menopausal or not, it must be really hard for him.

and her I’m sure as well 😜

Apologies if this is patronising but are you aware of the concept of the honeymoon period and responsive Vs spontaneous desire in long term monogamous women? If not, it may be worth a read because your situation is very very common

I would say that emotional support and intimacy are important precurors to physical intimacy for many women. Are you an emtionally supportive person? Do you and your wife get the same amount of leisure time in the relationship? Do you seek her out for time together without an expectation of sex?

Yes, familiar with these terms.

I’m glad you mention that it’s common because that’s my experience when I talk to my friends about it.

Thanks to all that have been engaged in this thread with their experiences and/or suggestions. Some of the comments will definitely be taken on board. Some definitely won’t, but I have faith that everyone has responded with the best intentions so all responses have been appreciated. Thanks.

Sorry, come to this a bit late, but thought I’d share in case it’s useful. I’m 45 and now 15 years into a virtually sexless marriage. It has still happened 2-3 times a year but this is (I think) my husband doing it for me, rather than because he actually wants it. I suppose that’s touching in a way, but it really defeats the point for me. After the last time, when we were on holiday in the summer, he joked that I should be in a good mood because we’d had sex, and it finally confirmed this. I’m not sure I can do it again on this basis. Our marriage is otherwise good and I really don’t want to leave. It would devastate the kids and our families, leave us financially worse off and I think it’s highly unlikely I’d meet someone I get on with better. He’s otherwise a great husband: supports my career, does the lion’s share of the housework etc.

I’ve managed to pretend for so long that things are fine really, it’s just a phase, things will get better. But in the meantime, and with a complete lack of self awareness until recently, I’ve been engaging in a string of emotional affairs, which have sometimes turned physical, although I’ve never slept with anyone else. I actually don’t really want to in a way, as the emotional connection is so important to me. The latest one has really thrown me, because it’s someone I work with closely and do feel a connection with. He’s also married and it’s not going anywhere, but what it has done is really highlight the profound sense of shame I feel that I’m completely sexless now, and will likely remain that way. I know he finds me attractive and if we were single we’d likely get together, but he seems to have a strong marriage and I feel so terrible that he probably has that closeness with his wife and I’m, in contrast, so undesirable to my husband.

@Drgrundy

https://www.goodhousekeeping.com/uk/lifestyle/a63170522/sexless-marriage/?utm_campaign=trueanthemFBGHUK&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook&fbclid=IwY2xjawHQHalleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHalPGCYlJqVfECagSOg1yWEh7NVHmCESl_z6pgrRuyG2pD8aCTj4FpHFQw_aem_R4cJgil0zjwTjQTywXJ_kg

Good read that @JenniferBooth

Sorry you are going through this lack of intimacy @Drgrundy Would he be open to an open marraige? I don't blame you for seeking validation elsewhere. 45 is way too young to be essentially sexless when it's not what you wanted.

Very helpful

It takes a brave person to have these uncomfortable conversations regarding the lack of sex in a relationship.

Affairs are never a good idea and I say that from personal experience. Whenever I see someone casually pondering them as if they are no big deal, I’m like ‘NO’.

I could go on-and-on about the why’s but it would be simpler to read people’s lived experience of them from the affair partner angle. Affair timelines and feelings, well there’s almost a blueprint for them. The same tired old lines, excuses and transient feelings.

The awkward conversations must be had. There comes a time … usually around the 50s when a person can find that they have little financial choice but to accept the status quo they have found themselves in and that is VERY scary.

A happy family includes a fulfilling sex life. Otherwise it is just pretending happy families. Which a lot of people do I ‘m afraid.

OP, give your wife to read exactly what you have written here and try to find a solution. Three kids is no joke and is vey hard work, therefore it can lead to a woman being absorbed and shattered by the end of the day, feeling not sexy at all and as a result having no sexual desire.
Discuss this with her and try to find a solution

This is so patronising and diminishes the all encompassing and multifaceted role that a wife and mother plays in a family.

It's not meant to be patronising but there's no doubting that in some cases its very true. I have friends that have openly admitted that now they have the husband, house and kids, sex is no longer a priority to them and they aren't fussed about it either way.

yes, and let’s be honest, these kind of women were looking for a provider to have kids with. Once they get what they want then they do not care about the husband.
yes, there are women exploited/abused/cheated but also women who took advantage of men. Abuse/manipulation doesn’t have a gender.