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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel extremely played (need advice)

167 replies

Jakielove · 15/12/2024 23:11

So I’ve been talking to this man for almost two months constantly all the time with out meeting him. Ft calls lots of texts etc. Now I know this is wild but …. I let some things slide. So in the beginning of us talking he had a date planned unexpectedly his parent went into cardiac arrest the day before our date. He texted me right away, yet still wanted to see me later that day ? I declined because “take care of your family, and we’ll reschedule”.

A couple weeks go by and we’re still talking his parent is still in the hospital he scheduled something else and gave me a set time. The day comes and he’s slow with his replies, he claimed that he was at the hospital still helping his parent. I just told him no worries “it’s getting late don’t worry about our date today” About two hours after the original time that we were supposed to meet he started blowing up my phone insisting that I still meet him ? Keep in mind it’s like 8:30pm so I declined. We continued to still talk. His parent did end up passing a few weeks ago he texted me and told me and I sent my condolences. He still wanted to make things work with me and still talk etc.

He’s been out a few times to bars and with friends so I asked him why he hasn’t seen me yet ? We planned a set day which was yesterday. He sent me this excuse saying his barber canceled on him so he didn’t want to be seen in public without a hair cut ? I told him it was either today or I was going to walk away because I’m not going to keep wasting my time. He said he could see me at 6:30 sharp. The time comes and he’s dead silent, I gave it until 7pm So I decided to block him. He has been calling me from private numbers since last night ? Also texting me from fake accounts. I’m not sure what he wants, yet I’m not going to keep getting toyed with.

I’ve never talked to a man this long without out meeting him, the only reason why I made an exception was because of his family circumstances. Yet things aren’t adding up and I don’t think he was ever truly going to meet me. I feel stupid and played with. He also knows where I work ? I don’t think he’ll do anything stupid but ? Idk it’s weird.

he sent me a 4 min voicemail telling me to unblock him and how I’m not the kinda man he needs to block. How he was on his way to come and meet me that day. He also said he wanted to pull up to my job but he felt like that would be weird.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 19/12/2024 06:56

He loves to chase and wants you to be grateful you have boundaries and he hates that my advice? Keep him blocked do not give him another chance change your number if you need to and move on his fantasy is not your reality he should hopefully find someone else soon to play with and he will leave you alone

Original poster
Jakielove · 19/12/2024 07:02

popduckhe · 19/12/2024 06:55

Exactly and you know it. Its very hard to break away from these type of 'relationships' which seem to run off adrenaline and drama. Are you both quiet young?

Show quote history

He’s 25 I’m 24
I answered and told him to stop contacting me and he said “I haven’t even contacted you that many times”….

he also said I was going overboard with the blocking, also said he was going to meet me and would never talk to me for months without seeing him because that would be a waste of his time.

tbh it’s all lies and I don’t believe anything he says. I told him about himself and called him a liar and a time waster, he responds by saying “your assassinating my character”

that was all he needs to just let me be

OP posts:
popduckhe · 19/12/2024 07:07

Jakielove · 19/12/2024 07:02

He’s 25 I’m 24
I answered and told him to stop contacting me and he said “I haven’t even contacted you that many times”….

he also said I was going overboard with the blocking, also said he was going to meet me and would never talk to me for months without seeing him because that would be a waste of his time.

tbh it’s all lies and I don’t believe anything he says. I told him about himself and called him a liar and a time waster, he responds by saying “your assassinating my character”

that was all he needs to just let me be

Show quote history

Unfortunately, many off is have gone through these types of interactions, especially when young. Not to say it doesn't happen at any age but most people learn what a healthy relationship looks like and what boundaries are. This is your learning experience. It's not a great start is it for a relationship? What is it you're looking for in a relationship? ask yourself that. From experience I don't think he'll give up easily. It will be far easier to walk away now than it will be in 6 months/a years time. Save yourself the heartache and look for someone healthy.

Original poster
Jakielove · 19/12/2024 07:07

He also introduced me to his younger sibling and would put them on the phone to talk to me a few times ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Jakielove · 19/12/2024 07:10

popduckhe · 19/12/2024 07:07

Unfortunately, many off is have gone through these types of interactions, especially when young. Not to say it doesn't happen at any age but most people learn what a healthy relationship looks like and what boundaries are. This is your learning experience. It's not a great start is it for a relationship? What is it you're looking for in a relationship? ask yourself that. From experience I don't think he'll give up easily. It will be far easier to walk away now than it will be in 6 months/a years time. Save yourself the heartache and look for someone healthy.

Show quote history

What do you mean he won’t give up easily? After I called him out today he said he won’t contact me ever again and he doesn’t plan on talking to me ever.

OP posts:
popduckhe · 19/12/2024 07:12

Jakielove · 19/12/2024 07:10

What do you mean he won’t give up easily? After I called him out today he said he won’t contact me ever again and he doesn’t plan on talking to me ever.

Show quote history

Not sure I trust that OP, but let's hope it's true! 💐

AltitudeCheck · 19/12/2024 07:18

Stop engaging with him, he wants your time and attention.

When he says things like 'you're assassinating my character' he's just saying something that he think you'll react to, you're likely to want to defend yourself and say 'no I'm not' then he'll be back in a dialogue with you!

He'll say anything to try and provoke a response and keep you engaged.

Stop letting him steal your time!!

CanelliniBeans · 19/12/2024 07:18

TBH it sounds as if you are invested in this and you still want it to work.
It's not going to.
It's not a relationship, he's just stringing you along and sounds unstable.
As someone else said. Run don't walk. Do t engage any further.

Original poster
Jakielove · 19/12/2024 07:21

CanelliniBeans · 19/12/2024 07:18

TBH it sounds as if you are invested in this and you still want it to work.
It's not going to.
It's not a relationship, he's just stringing you along and sounds unstable.
As someone else said. Run don't walk. Do t engage any further.

I promise you I’m not

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 19/12/2024 07:26

This young man sounds unwell. My only encounter with someone like this, I had no idea at the time but he was an alcoholic. He never sounded drunk, but he was all over the place.
If a man wants to meet you, he will meet you.
I know he’s had a seriously ill parent who has passed away - he needs to deal with that on his own, I am afraid.
He is very selfish - he hadn’t given a thought to dragging you into his web, or how you might feel.
You are so young, don’t allow this to continue.
The cold hard fact is that someone shows how they are in their behaviour. You’re the one for me? Just words, I have just typed them out.
Do not answer your phone to anyone you don’t know and ignore him.
He may or many not be dangerous, but he’s not right in the head and you deserve better.
Insist on meeting someone next time and if they don’t respond well to that, move on.

Sassybooklover · 19/12/2024 07:28

Sorry to say but I don't believe this man (assuming he's actually real) ever had any intention of meeting you in person. He's most likely married/long-term relationship and I suspect his relative is probably very much alive. There are men out there who will use any excuse, no matter how vulgar to keep playing a woman. The calling/texting you from different numbers etc, is bordering on stalking behaviour. Block him on every platform. A genuine relationship wouldn't be so difficult at this stage, the fact it is, tells you it's not right.

Copperoliverbear · 19/12/2024 07:29

I believe this to be a scammer, it doesn't matter if you see them on zoom or not, I watched a programme on the television, he was FaceTiming and everything but it wasn't them.
When they actually showed you the footage on the programme slowly and told you for thing to look out for you could actually realise it was fake, but you didn't notice at first.
Do not unblock this man he's a scammer or at the very very least a weirdo

StormingNorman · 19/12/2024 07:34

Stalker mode activated. I don’t even believe his parent died.

Copperoliverbear · 19/12/2024 07:38

I know you said you know of him, but It may not even be him, it could be a scammer using his pictures I've seen it done and then they start asking you to lend them money ect.
They get other people's facebook profiles ect, mostly they're abroad but are now using peoples profiles that are not that far away, so it seems more feasible to have a relationship at some point

Whyherewego · 19/12/2024 07:45

Jakielove · 16/12/2024 01:21

Do you guys think he ever liked me like he said he did ? Or was it all fake ?

Sadly it was probably fake. It just seems a wierd pattern of behaviour. I can absolutely see how each time you would be compassionate and tell him to look after family or whatever but it's all odd.
I think he deliberately offered to meet you on the day his parent was admitted so you'd refuse. Why didn't he offer the next day as an example?
There are wierd people out there unfortunately. Sorry OP. It's awful when you invest time in someone. I've had that , he wasn't as wierd as your guy but I did spend hours texting etc and ultimately he just didn't want a relationship but just the idea of one. He didn't want to meet up. All v strange

Original poster
Jakielove · 19/12/2024 07:45

Copperoliverbear · 19/12/2024 07:38

I know you said you know of him, but It may not even be him, it could be a scammer using his pictures I've seen it done and then they start asking you to lend them money ect.
They get other people's facebook profiles ect, mostly they're abroad but are now using peoples profiles that are not that far away, so it seems more feasible to have a relationship at some point

No he’s real I’ve had full on video call conversations with him he’s just full of shit that’s all

OP posts:
Original poster
Jakielove · 19/12/2024 07:51

Then he said he wasn’t really going to show up to my job unannounced. He said “I would never cross that boundary and show up to your job randomly”.

OP posts:
gettingolderbutcooler · 19/12/2024 08:02

Hi
I'll just put in my opinion.

He's trying to test out the level of control he can have over you.
Eg
Is she ok with me cancelling because my hair doesn't look right?

You're showing him now that he can't exert that over you and he doesn't like it. This is shown further by- essentially- threats (coming to work etc).

You've had a lucky escape. Take it.

ChristmasFluff · 19/12/2024 08:21

@Jakielove Please be aware that you don't need to be a romantic interest for him to be enjoying and feeding off your reactions. By continuing to engage in the drama, you are giving him what he wants. He's like a toddler - any attention, good or bad, is better than no attention.

You need to block him completely, and then if he uses other channels to contact you, call the non-emergency Police number and report this as harrassment. Which you can then escalate to a stalking report if he does come to your workplace or home, or approaches you elsewhere.

Often the Police will informally contact the person in the first instance and warn them off. This may be enough for him to stop.

If you feel reluctant to do this, really ask yourself why. This is about basic self-protection, emotionally and physically, so any reluctance to do that is something to explore. Many women feel responsible for things that are not their responsibility, whilst simultaneously not adequately protecting their own boundaries - even the most basic safety boundaries.

litepop · 19/12/2024 08:23

Post him anonymously on your local "are we dating the same guy (area)" page. Don't go into detail just ask if anyone knows him or is dating him. I bet you'll hear back that you're not the only one!!

It could get back to hi so as well as being anonymous, be vague about the situation so if it gets back to him it's not obvious it's you that posted

cantthinkofausername26 · 19/12/2024 08:26

I don't like the sound of him. I'd take pp advice and let your work security know. You can't be too careful these days

CucumberBagel · 19/12/2024 08:33

Jakielove · 19/12/2024 07:10

What do you mean he won’t give up easily? After I called him out today he said he won’t contact me ever again and he doesn’t plan on talking to me ever.

Show quote history

You made it sound like he was still texting you after that conversation.

I knew someone like this. Some people are just insane. Write it off and move on. It's not a reflection on you, your character, or your worth as a person. He's just a nutcase.

MsNeis · 19/12/2024 08:42

Temporaryname158 · 15/12/2024 23:33

Block him on every number he contacts you on. Give it 24 hours for him to stop that silliness. If he doesn’t or if he turns up at your work call the police immediately.

speak to the receptionist/security at work if you have them and let them know a brief that someone unwanted is trying to contact you and not to reveal if you are in the building to anyone, or let him in if he arrives

Yes to this, OP. He sounds like an unhinged man, probably a fantasist.

SpringleDingle · 19/12/2024 09:16

Raise your standards... a LOT. He is just messing you about.

Buttercup198 · 19/12/2024 09:29

He's clearly fucked up in the head and sounds potentially dangerous and he probably lied to you about his mum who knows
You had a bloody lucky escape he sounds like a absolute nut job