Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partners 50th birthday am I being childish?

115 replies

Mystical1981 · 15/12/2024 09:32

I have been with my partner for 9 years now it was my 40th a few months ago I had been saying for a good year before my birthday that I really wanted to go away for my 40th to holland for a few days or a weekend. I kept hinting a year before my birthday because I knew he would proberbly need time to save up or plan it etc. His passport had expired so he needed to get that done aswell. The nearer it got to my birthday I noticed he still hadn't done his passport so a few weeks before my birthday I realised I wasn't going to Holland but I thought that's ok he maybe has other plans like a show or a nice meal out somewhere or even to London for the day he knew I loved that but nope my birthday came and he didn't take the day off work so I knew we weren't going out for the day. Mum mum and dad called me to see what I was doing and if I wanted to go out for dinner so I asked my partner do you have any plans because my mum and dad have asked if I want to go for dinner tonight he said no no plans but he said can we all go tomorrow night instead because I've got my daughter tonight! I said no!! My birthday is today not tomorrow and you should of changed the day with your daughter as she can come to stay any night. So he said ok we can go to dinner with your mum and dad. I felt so sad we went to the carvery my mum brought me a cake he didn't even get me a cake he ate quick and rushed off home as he was having his daughter. He gave me £100 in a card which is what he usually gives me for birthday or Christmas. My mum and dad came with a bag of presents for me, a cake they made me feel special. The next few months kept seeing my friends turning 40 and seeing them having a party or going away and it really upset me. My partner is lovely he would do anything for me he helps me around my house and is always there for me. So it's his 50th next year and he keeps saying what shall we do for my 50th I said 'a meal' he said I'm not going for a meal on my 50th I wanna go away somewhere have a look and see what you can book.
I'm actually fuming! But am I being childish? I put alot of effort in for all his birthdays and Christmas every year so I feel like I want to take him away but a part of me is saying no don't do it.
Just to add thag whenever we go away anywhere it's always me that suggests it and books it and pays for it. He never suggests anything or books anything so maybe he has become lazy minded and as I always book things maybe he thought I was going to book something for my own birthday? I haven't said anything to him as I don't want to sound hard work or high maintenance etc.

OP posts:
addictedtolove022 · 15/12/2024 09:34

I’d tell him no and give him the reason?

Zanatdy · 15/12/2024 09:35

I’d tell him yeah I didn’t just want a meal either but that’s what I got. I wouldn’t have been impressed with his lack of effort either.

Edingril · 15/12/2024 09:35

If i wanted to go to a pllace i would book it tell him then go without him if he wasn't organised

I don't do this drop hint thing I am a grown up so plan my own wishes

FlatShoesOnly · 15/12/2024 09:37

Just tell him straight how undervalued and overlooked you felt on your big birthday then ask him why he sets his standards so much higher for himself than he sets them for you. Ask why it’s your job to meet his expectations but he doesn’t have even attempt to try and meet yours.

Chiconbelge · 15/12/2024 09:37

Don’t tell us, tell him.

Arrivederla · 15/12/2024 09:38

I think you need to have a talk with him about why his behaviour is so unreasonable. Don't sit there fuming!!

Zonder · 15/12/2024 09:38

Say oh yes going away for a big birthday is a great idea. As soon as you've organised the belated trip for my 40th I'll get on to yours for your 50th!

Nolegusta · 15/12/2024 09:38

Hinting is never the way to go, neither is expecting someone else to book your holiday.
Tell him if he wants a trip to go ahead and book it, you'll take him for a nice birthday meal when you're there.

Arrivederla · 15/12/2024 09:39

FlatShoesOnly · 15/12/2024 09:37

Just tell him straight how undervalued and overlooked you felt on your big birthday then ask him why he sets his standards so much higher for himself than he sets them for you. Ask why it’s your job to meet his expectations but he doesn’t have even attempt to try and meet yours.

This!

Quitelikeit · 15/12/2024 09:40

Why doesn’t he pay for your trips away? Is he tight?

Stormyweatheroutthere · 15/12/2024 09:40

My dh ruined my 40th...
He was an exh before I was 41..
Married a much less selfish and childish man in my 44th birthday!!
May I suggest you do similar?
At least the first bit!!

sonjadog · 15/12/2024 09:40

Maybe tell him that you are going to put the same effort into his big birthday as he put into yours?

HollyChristmas · 15/12/2024 09:41

Moving out of your 30s into your 40s is somehow more symbolic than 40s into 50s .
He knew you wanted some sort of celebration , and you'd hinted at what it should be , but he chose to ignore you yet didn't plan an alternative .
Return the compliment . Do fuck all .

redastherose · 15/12/2024 09:43

No not childish he put zero effort in for you why does he deserve you doing anything. Tell him the reason why as well. Precisely what you've said here. He didn't think your birthday was a big deal so his isn't either.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 15/12/2024 09:44

Don't you bloody dare book anything!!

purplehue · 15/12/2024 09:45

It's my big birthday soon too and my partner I know won't book a trip away to somewhere I want to go. I ma planning on taking my daughter instead and I will book and pay for it. It's not often I want to do something for my birthday soon I will make sure I have a good time.

Franticbutterfly · 15/12/2024 09:46

My H would never organise anything, if I want any kind of celebration I organise it myself and did so for my own 40th. It doesn't upset me, in 18 years he's not organised one meal!

But I think it's the lack of interest your DP has shown that's the most hurtful (and the fact that he expects so much for his own birthday). I would say, "you didn't care about mine, so if you want to do something, you need to organise it".

Seaoftroubles · 15/12/2024 09:47

100% what @FlatShoesOnly has said. He is obviously not able to pick up hints about what you were hoping for on your 4Oth. His lack of effort and failure to prioritise you is a worry though. In future forget hoping and spell out what you are expecting! And let him organise his own big birthday too, he's got used to you doing all the leg work and paying for it as well.

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/12/2024 09:47

My partner is lovely he would do anything for me he helps me around my house and is always there for me.

Well for a start that’s absolute bollocks isn’t it since you go on to say

whenever we go away anywhere it's always me that suggests it and books it and pays for it. He never suggests anything or books anything so maybe he has become lazy minded and as I always book things

He “helps around the house” does he? Isn’t it his house too? And he’s not “always there” for you. He literally wasn’t there for the day or full evening of your big birthday as he couldn’t be bothered to and had other priorities.

You’re lying to yourself about who he is and what your relationship is like.

As to his birthday, don’t play games, just tell him you’re very upset about your crap 40th and you won’t be making any effort for his 50th. Why on Earth would you? He showed you what he thought of you when he had a chance to step up which was very hurtful.

mnreader · 15/12/2024 09:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

mummytrex · 15/12/2024 09:54

"My partner is lovely he would do anything for me".

Really OP? He couldn't be bothered to do anything at all. On your actual birthday or otherwise. He doesn't book or more importantly pay for any trips. Is he selfish in other ways?

I've no doubt he would like you to book and pay for another freebie get away. He sounds tight and lazy tbh. Really unattractive qualities.

If you want to get away book something for yourself (not around his birthday) and go on your own.

Or if he really wants to go away for his birthday suggest he pays 50% as your present - but if you do go down that route go somewhere you want to go.

Note: I say the above by someone that isn't bothered by my birthday (big ones or otherwise).

healthybychristmas · 15/12/2024 09:55

This guy must be very good in bed because out of it he's completely bloody awful.

mindutopia · 15/12/2024 09:57

I can’t get over that he gives you cash in a card for all birthdays and Christmas, like he’s your nan or something. 🙈 Sorry, he sounds like a thoughtless loser. I’m not a gift person really. I hate organising them. BUT for birthday and Christmas, Dh always has a lovely meal that I plan and cook, coffee in bed, cards from all of us, a fuss made over him.

SneddlingIntoSpace · 15/12/2024 09:59

FlatShoesOnly · 15/12/2024 09:37

Just tell him straight how undervalued and overlooked you felt on your big birthday then ask him why he sets his standards so much higher for himself than he sets them for you. Ask why it’s your job to meet his expectations but he doesn’t have even attempt to try and meet yours.

This and you said "My partner is lovely he would do anything for me" but he wouldn't do anything for you, you laid out your expectations, you hinted at Holland. He didn't even get you a cake FFS. I would be doing fuck all for his 50th.

Opentooffers · 15/12/2024 10:00

You are being a mug if you do. He'd also be getting for all Xmas and birthdays, what he gives me - £100 in a card should do.
It's clear he either has a lot less money than you seem to, or he is just very tight. Why are you paying for all the holidays you have? He's taking advantage of you, and you are letting him for some reason?
Your boundaries are poor.