Partners 50th birthday am I being childish?

[Mystical1981]

I have been with my partner for 9 years now it was my 40th a few months ago I had been saying for a good year before my birthday that I really wanted to go away for my 40th to holland for a few days or a weekend. I kept hinting a year before my birthday because I knew he would proberbly need time to save up or plan it etc. His passport had expired so he needed to get that done aswell. The nearer it got to my birthday I noticed he still hadn't done his passport so a few weeks before my birthday I realised I wasn't going to Holland but I thought that's ok he maybe has other plans like a show or a nice meal out somewhere or even to London for the day he knew I loved that but nope my birthday came and he didn't take the day off work so I knew we weren't going out for the day. Mum mum and dad called me to see what I was doing and if I wanted to go out for dinner so I asked my partner do you have any plans because my mum and dad have asked if I want to go for dinner tonight he said no no plans but he said can we all go tomorrow night instead because I've got my daughter tonight! I said no!! My birthday is today not tomorrow and you should of changed the day with your daughter as she can come to stay any night. So he said ok we can go to dinner with your mum and dad. I felt so sad we went to the carvery my mum brought me a cake he didn't even get me a cake he ate quick and rushed off home as he was having his daughter. He gave me £100 in a card which is what he usually gives me for birthday or Christmas. My mum and dad came with a bag of presents for me, a cake they made me feel special. The next few months kept seeing my friends turning 40 and seeing them having a party or going away and it really upset me. My partner is lovely he would do anything for me he helps me around my house and is always there for me. So it's his 50th next year and he keeps saying what shall we do for my 50th I said 'a meal' he said I'm not going for a meal on my 50th I wanna go away somewhere have a look and see what you can book.
I'm actually fuming! But am I being childish? I put alot of effort in for all his birthdays and Christmas every year so I feel like I want to take him away but a part of me is saying no don't do it.
Just to add thag whenever we go away anywhere it's always me that suggests it and books it and pays for it. He never suggests anything or books anything so maybe he has become lazy minded and as I always book things maybe he thought I was going to book something for my own birthday? I haven't said anything to him as I don't want to sound hard work or high maintenance etc.

Why didn’t you tell him at the time how cross you were?

She didn't drop hints she said she wanted to go away and gave suggestions?

I abso fucking lutely would NOT arrange anything for his 50th.

If he asks what you're doing for his 50th, tell him in no uncertain terms that you'll do exactly the same thing he did for your birthday.

I'd even go so far as to put £100 in a card and let his family arrange a meal for him.

Match his energy has never been truer than in these circumstances.

@Mystical1981 nah, dont do anything, dont book anything and if you are still with the idiot the day before his birthday, let him ask you and then you tell him why!! selfish pig!

I would actually book the same place you went to for yours... And rush home to watch Coronation Street /your favourite programme...

I do hope you've not done or bought anything special for Christmas for him

@Mystical1981 I turned 70 last month and I am still waiting!! I bought him a 3k pair of binoculars!

@Mystical1981

My partner is lovely he would do anything for me

Well that’s not true for a start is it?

Assuming from your OP that he knew it was your 40th and you gave him some suggestions as to things you would like, he still chose to put zero effort into celebrating your birthday.

He clearly does value big birthdays as he’s expecting YOU to go to great efforts to celebrate his. So why are you making excuses for his thoughtless behaviour?

What are you going to do other than complain to others?

You need to think about whether this relationship can be salvaged as otherwise you’re going to be a lot more unhappy in the future as he gets older and becomes more of an arsehole. 😢

He sounds awful.
You say he’s lovely and would do anything for you- it really doesn’t sound like it! He can’t even be bothered to celebrate your big birthday. His behaviour on your 40th was awful.
Was his behaviour surprising though, or to be expected? I have seen many posts over time on mumsnet from women disappointed tnat their partner didn’t plan anything for them for their birthday, and I always think “why not plan your own?” Or at least plan something together. So many people seem to wait for their partner to plan something, knowing they probably won’t, and then end up disappointed. I’m lucky that my boyfriend is fab, and if we did have an arrangement where we planned surprise trips for each others birthdays, he’d do great. The first birthday we celebrated was his, six months into our relationship, and together we planned a long weekend away in London. We both discussed things we wanted to do, and booked them. As an element of surprise, I told him not to think about the Saturday night and I’d sort it. And I booked a nice meal and west end theatre tickets. So that was the surprise element. Since then, we’ve always done this for birthdays. Choose a location together (but the person whose birthday it is always gets final say if we can’t decide!), plan some bits to do together, and then non-birthday person plans a surprise for one of the evenings.

Anyway, gone off on a bit of a tangent there but absolutely don’t plan anything nice for his bday. I absolutely love what one precious poster said, ask him why his birthday warrants a huge celebration but yours didn’t. And why his expectation for himself is higher than yours. Just tell him you’re absolutely not planning anything. But will happily go along if he wants to choose (and pay!) himself…as why should you pay for it when all you got was an awfully transactional £100 in a card?

Tell him you are putting in the same effort for his 50th as he did for your 40th.

whenever we go away anywhere it's always me that suggests it and books it and pays for it.
he's not a good partner, he's selfish, mean and grabby

This. What did you actually reply to him, @Mystical1981 ?

I think you need to communicate to him and say what you actually want/feel. Stop hinting and feeling disappointed when you don’t get what you want

He’s spelt out exactly what he wants-it’s up to you how to reply to that. Using your words would be the best start.

This.

You need to tell him, very clearly, that he did fuck all for your 40th despite you asking. Therefore him expecting you to push the boat out for his 50th is beyond cheeky.

Tell him that you're happy to do something special for his 50th. But he needs to find it, book it and make the arrangements.

Oh no
You should be matching his energy

He did fuck all for your 40th
You do fuck all for his 50th

His reaction will tell you about the future, or not, of this relationship.

This. Why would you NOT tell him this?

If you wanted to go to Holland for your 40th why didn’t you book it and go, why do you need to drop hints? Take control of your life.

That is a great present. He can use them to watch you walk away.

This

Your partner is not lovely op. He’s a lazy fucker who expects you to treat him a lot better than he treats you. WTF? I would not be organising days away for his birthday and I would be telling him why.

I love trips away for big celebration but dh is not the best at organising it so I’m the one who does it ! For my 40th, we went to Iceland and it great exactly as I wanted it as I have organised it. Next year dh is turning 50 - so I have booked a family holiday in Greece on his birthday and we’ll go to Rome just the 2 of us..if I leave anything to him, we’d do nothing and I don’t get upset anymore !

Why don't you go to Holland, if that's where you wanted to go? I don't really understand why you didn't just organise it yourself for your birthday though. I probably wouldn't take him with me. Has he sorted his passport yet or is that something else that you're supposed to do for him? I do think a 50th is more significant than a 40th though. If he's always been so disengaged, you either need to put up with it as he won't change, or you need to look elsewhere.

Just ask him why the hell he thinks he is entitled to any more than you got for your 40th.

Stop being a pushover.

Just tell him straight.

Buy a nice card put a £100 in it, act secretive when it gets nearer to the day get up go out wish him a happy birthday, do what he did on yours, some men are so incredibly selfish.

My partner is lovely he would do anything for me he helps me around my house and is always there for me

Can you list the last time he did something for you?

Is it just your house then? Would he say 'you help him around the house.'