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Original poster

Partners 50th birthday am I being childish?

115 replies

Mystical1981 · 15/12/2024 09:32

I have been with my partner for 9 years now it was my 40th a few months ago I had been saying for a good year before my birthday that I really wanted to go away for my 40th to holland for a few days or a weekend. I kept hinting a year before my birthday because I knew he would proberbly need time to save up or plan it etc. His passport had expired so he needed to get that done aswell. The nearer it got to my birthday I noticed he still hadn't done his passport so a few weeks before my birthday I realised I wasn't going to Holland but I thought that's ok he maybe has other plans like a show or a nice meal out somewhere or even to London for the day he knew I loved that but nope my birthday came and he didn't take the day off work so I knew we weren't going out for the day. Mum mum and dad called me to see what I was doing and if I wanted to go out for dinner so I asked my partner do you have any plans because my mum and dad have asked if I want to go for dinner tonight he said no no plans but he said can we all go tomorrow night instead because I've got my daughter tonight! I said no!! My birthday is today not tomorrow and you should of changed the day with your daughter as she can come to stay any night. So he said ok we can go to dinner with your mum and dad. I felt so sad we went to the carvery my mum brought me a cake he didn't even get me a cake he ate quick and rushed off home as he was having his daughter. He gave me £100 in a card which is what he usually gives me for birthday or Christmas. My mum and dad came with a bag of presents for me, a cake they made me feel special. The next few months kept seeing my friends turning 40 and seeing them having a party or going away and it really upset me. My partner is lovely he would do anything for me he helps me around my house and is always there for me. So it's his 50th next year and he keeps saying what shall we do for my 50th I said 'a meal' he said I'm not going for a meal on my 50th I wanna go away somewhere have a look and see what you can book.
I'm actually fuming! But am I being childish? I put alot of effort in for all his birthdays and Christmas every year so I feel like I want to take him away but a part of me is saying no don't do it.
Just to add thag whenever we go away anywhere it's always me that suggests it and books it and pays for it. He never suggests anything or books anything so maybe he has become lazy minded and as I always book things maybe he thought I was going to book something for my own birthday? I haven't said anything to him as I don't want to sound hard work or high maintenance etc.

OP posts:
BeenThere101 · 15/12/2024 10:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Goldbar · 15/12/2024 10:11

Tell him you're planning to match his energy.

Miyagi99 · 15/12/2024 10:12

If I want to do something for my birthday I book it and go, sure he can do the same for his.

Whowhatwhere21 · 15/12/2024 10:18

Tbh I wouldn't even bother with the meal. It's not like he planned a meal for your 40th, that only happened thanks to your parents.
£100 in a card. Reciprocate the effort he gives you.

CatAteMyDinner · 15/12/2024 10:22

Am I the only one reading into this how both sides are at fault here?

I cannot imagine making a presumption to 'hint' at a present so expensive that my partner would have to save for several months to be able to afford it.
Absolutely lovely if he did treat you to something that took months to afford, but totally unreasonable to put that expectation on him.

Eyresandgraces · 15/12/2024 10:26

What are we doing for my 50th?

Well I'm giving you £100 in a card the rest is up to you.

ThePoetsWife · 15/12/2024 10:27

Goldbar · 15/12/2024 10:11

Tell him you're planning to match his energy.

This.

EBearhug · 15/12/2024 10:28

I left an ex because I asked him to organise a meal out with friends for my 40th. It turned out he couldn't be bothered, because he didn't like celebrating his birthday. This was my birthday, not his. He didn't mention when I first asked that he wasn't prepared to do it, so I couldn't sort it out myself, either.

We had been seeing each other 5 years. It made me realise I would never come first, and we were apart a week later.

Wonderi · 15/12/2024 10:29

I can see both sides here.

You say you were hinting at going away to Holland but it sounds like you didn’t actually say it.
He’s not a mind reader and you’re being a bit martyrish by being upset over him not getting your hint.

He has clearly stated that he wants to go away and I’m not sure why you couldn’t have done this too.

I would also have not expected my partner to change the day he saw his child or I wouldn’t change the day I saw my own DC, just because it’s someone’s birthday.
I think it was unfair of you to even think that.

I would have gone for a meal with my parents and him and his DC on the day and then had a romantic meal the next night when you were child free.

So I think you have been a bit of a martyr.
However, I would be really upset by the lack of effort from him.
There is nothing stopping him from buying a cake or a thoughtful gift and it’s pure laziness that he didn’t.

Did you have a conversation with him at the time?
Depending on the outcome of that conversation at the time, would I then decide how much effort I put in for his birthday.

Lavenderblossoms · 15/12/2024 10:29

He's a cheeky git for one. Do not go away for his birthday. Tell him how you feel about it!

However, one thing. Hints don't work. Next time you want something to happen, say it properly and spell it out to him. And if he still ignores you then it's binning time as he sounds rather selfish.

cansu · 15/12/2024 10:30

Tell him straight. He made no effort for your 50th so you would assume he feels the same about his own.

Stretchanoctave · 15/12/2024 10:32

FlatShoesOnly · 15/12/2024 09:37

Just tell him straight how undervalued and overlooked you felt on your big birthday then ask him why he sets his standards so much higher for himself than he sets them for you. Ask why it’s your job to meet his expectations but he doesn’t have even attempt to try and meet yours.

This.

PashaMinaMio · 15/12/2024 10:33

Eyresandgraces · 15/12/2024 10:26

What are we doing for my 50th?

Well I'm giving you £100 in a card the rest is up to you.

YES! That’s your answer. ^^
Set your boundaries now. He’s selfish and thoughtless.
Id be incandescent!

RedFiveStandingBy · 15/12/2024 10:35

I haven't said anything to him as I don't want to sound hard work or high maintenance etc.

eh? Why would anyone think that? Why don’t care if he thinks that when he does fuck all for you?

for his 50th I would book myself a trip to Holland with my friends or parents and he wouldn’t be included. No money I’m a card for him either. Why doesn’t he pay his way for trips with you? Fuck that shit. Why are you putting up with him?

Mumofnarnia · 15/12/2024 10:41

Honestly op just do to him what he’s done to you. Don't mention his birthday unless he mentions it first and then just fob him off. Dont arrange anything special. Just give him some money in a card on the day - maybe give him back the £100 he gave you in the card. And that’s as far as I’d go.

I’d be fuming if I was you too. He couldn’t be arsed to do anything for your birthday. He didn’t even arrange the meal your mum did so I wouldn’t even be suggesting a meal for him.

Spirallingdownwards · 15/12/2024 10:42

Book to go to Holland but don't sort his passport out.

Moonchildalltheway · 15/12/2024 10:44

Why did you not just tell him when he asked you? You are being perfectly reasonable in your thoughts and approach but unreasonable for not just saying it to him.

stressedtothemaxdotcom · 15/12/2024 10:44

I'd be really upset by this.

I'd been with DH only 5 months on my 40th and he'd booked a trip away to a lovely city he'd booked a restaurant too.
It was my 50th recently and he booked a city break abroad with lots of little extras a lot of thought and time spent which meant the world to me. If he isn't making an effort then I'd be making zero effort for his 50th. What a flaming cheek. My mouth would literally be hanging open when he said that

MayaPinion · 15/12/2024 10:45

I’d say, ‘I’m going to do for your 50th what you did for my 40th since you clearly think that’s the best way to celebrate a significant birthday. If you’re not a fan of carvery the local Chinese is doing an all you can eat buffet before 7pm’.

KayVess · 15/12/2024 10:46

He’s not wonderful and lovely and would do anything for you. He couldn’t pull his finger out to do anything at all to celebrate your birthday.

I would be questioning the relationship altogether nevermind anything else. His attitude stinks. Selfish and entitled.

MayaPinion · 15/12/2024 10:47

My DP bought me a trip to Rome to see my favorite band for my birthday, and it wasn’t even a special one. Don’t set your bar too low - and don’t set his too high.

Maboscelar · 15/12/2024 10:50

I agree with everyone. This actually would be a relationship ender for me, but why don't you say "you didn't put any effort into my 40th so I'm doing the same for your 50th" then book a trip to Holland for you and a friend and dump him.

He's not lovely, he's not there for you, he's not supportive, he's awful. Raise your bar!

dairydebris · 15/12/2024 10:58

Presumably you want to stay married to him? In which case don't get into a tit for tat vicious circle with him.

Tell him you'll organise a trip for him but you were really disappointed he did nothing for your birthday. Tell him straight out you want him to organise a trip to Holland for your 41st. Tell him where you want to go and what you want to see. Accept in future hints won't work. Organise a great trip for him this year.

If he still doesn't organise an absolutely brilliant itinerary for your 41st then...

Ltb.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 15/12/2024 11:03

Ypu ate being unreasonable and childish to expect him to alter plans with his daughter.

However, Him making no effort and then expecting something extravagant for his 50th is laughable.

I'd tell him you will meet his expectations with the same effort he put into yours.

TammyJones · 15/12/2024 11:04

Edingril · 15/12/2024 09:35

If i wanted to go to a pllace i would book it tell him then go without him if he wasn't organised

I don't do this drop hint thing I am a grown up so plan my own wishes

Yes this.
It was my special birthday left month.
I planned (with input from dh ) it was fantastic.
But men aren't mind readers / don't get hints.
But usually happy to fall into plans.
Take control next time.

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