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Original poster

Partners 50th birthday am I being childish?

115 replies

Mystical1981 · 15/12/2024 09:32

I have been with my partner for 9 years now it was my 40th a few months ago I had been saying for a good year before my birthday that I really wanted to go away for my 40th to holland for a few days or a weekend. I kept hinting a year before my birthday because I knew he would proberbly need time to save up or plan it etc. His passport had expired so he needed to get that done aswell. The nearer it got to my birthday I noticed he still hadn't done his passport so a few weeks before my birthday I realised I wasn't going to Holland but I thought that's ok he maybe has other plans like a show or a nice meal out somewhere or even to London for the day he knew I loved that but nope my birthday came and he didn't take the day off work so I knew we weren't going out for the day. Mum mum and dad called me to see what I was doing and if I wanted to go out for dinner so I asked my partner do you have any plans because my mum and dad have asked if I want to go for dinner tonight he said no no plans but he said can we all go tomorrow night instead because I've got my daughter tonight! I said no!! My birthday is today not tomorrow and you should of changed the day with your daughter as she can come to stay any night. So he said ok we can go to dinner with your mum and dad. I felt so sad we went to the carvery my mum brought me a cake he didn't even get me a cake he ate quick and rushed off home as he was having his daughter. He gave me £100 in a card which is what he usually gives me for birthday or Christmas. My mum and dad came with a bag of presents for me, a cake they made me feel special. The next few months kept seeing my friends turning 40 and seeing them having a party or going away and it really upset me. My partner is lovely he would do anything for me he helps me around my house and is always there for me. So it's his 50th next year and he keeps saying what shall we do for my 50th I said 'a meal' he said I'm not going for a meal on my 50th I wanna go away somewhere have a look and see what you can book.
I'm actually fuming! But am I being childish? I put alot of effort in for all his birthdays and Christmas every year so I feel like I want to take him away but a part of me is saying no don't do it.
Just to add thag whenever we go away anywhere it's always me that suggests it and books it and pays for it. He never suggests anything or books anything so maybe he has become lazy minded and as I always book things maybe he thought I was going to book something for my own birthday? I haven't said anything to him as I don't want to sound hard work or high maintenance etc.

OP posts:
Spaceid · 15/12/2024 12:34

Franticbutterfly · 15/12/2024 09:46

My H would never organise anything, if I want any kind of celebration I organise it myself and did so for my own 40th. It doesn't upset me, in 18 years he's not organised one meal!

But I think it's the lack of interest your DP has shown that's the most hurtful (and the fact that he expects so much for his own birthday). I would say, "you didn't care about mine, so if you want to do something, you need to organise it".

This is so sad. I can’t imagine being with anyone so uncaring and incompetent. What sort of job does he do when he can even do a relatively simple task of booking a restaurant (literally a click on a website).

Oblomov24 · 15/12/2024 12:39

Are you afraid, to communicate properly? Why on earth haven't you just told him the truth? About how you feel about your 40th, his 50th?

Onelifeonly · 15/12/2024 12:39

I would have booked it myself or made sure he had done it. "If you want something done, do it (or make sure it's done) yourself."

Let him sort out his own birthday plans.

PyongyangKipperbang · 15/12/2024 12:43

Just be honest and say "Look, I am prepared to put into your 50th exactly the amount of effort that you put into my 40th and no more"

Codlingmoths · 15/12/2024 12:44

You really have to tell him. ‘A relationship is a two way street, you have some nerve expecting me to book you a birthday present. You made no effort at all for my 40th, less than no effort- you did nothing, when dinner came up you asked me to move the day and then you left dinner early. I was so hurt, I felt like the least important thing in your life. I’ve booked myself a day away solo for your 50th to think.

MostlyHappyMummy · 15/12/2024 12:45

It's so worrying to read thread after thread by women who get treated abysmally by men and not only put up with it but then continue doing everything for the men aswell
whar causes this mad behaviour?

Dietingfool · 15/12/2024 12:47

Why can’t you just be honest with him? Explain to him how hurtful it was. Tell nim he can have 100 quid in a card and you will rush off after a dinner someone else provides to do something else. As he clearly feels this is acceptable.

just tell him.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/12/2024 12:47

Outside of what you do here, and you've had a fairly unanimous response, I would look to be widening your circle and/or learn to enjoy your own company. If I had wanted to go to Holland, and my boyfriend made no plans to, ignoring that he wouldn't be my boyfriend I'd go with someone else or go alone.

ticktickticktickBOOM · 15/12/2024 12:51

If you'd wanted to do something for your 40th you should have arranged it. Don't ever rely on someone else to make your birthday special.
I learnt this a long time ago and I've had amazing birthdays ever since.

Tell him to arrange his own birthday.

Mickey79 · 15/12/2024 12:53

Don’t arrange anything. At first I thought he was just one of those people who doesn’t view birthdays as a big deal. But then he expects fuss for his 50th. Not a chance that I’d be organising anything in your position.

Deadringer · 15/12/2024 12:59

Well he has a fucking cheek hasn't he? Tell him you will make his birthday as special as he made yours. Go to Holland with your friends and have a great time on his birthday

RedHelenB · 15/12/2024 13:05

Zanatdy · 15/12/2024 09:35

I’d tell him yeah I didn’t just want a meal either but that’s what I got. I wouldn’t have been impressed with his lack of effort either.

This. You reap what you sow. Both him in terms of you not spoiling him for his 50th and also you not being firmer about what you needed for your 40th. Don't take any crap.

asthecrowdwaschantingmore · 15/12/2024 13:09

Use your words.

Tell him straight: You blew off my 40th even though you knew it was important to me. You knew because I told you. Repeatedly. And you didn't care and you did fuck all for it. So you are going to be treated exactly as I was treated for your birthdays going forward. I will not be a second class citizen in our relationship.

asthecrowdwaschantingmore · 15/12/2024 13:10

Oh, and I like the idea of going to Holland with your friends on his birthday. Please do!

Pineapplewaves · 15/12/2024 13:23

"My partner is lovely, he would do anything for me and is always there for me" - none of this is true. He didn't give you the big birthday celebration you wanted that is not lovely. Is he there for you know when you are fuming mad with him? No he isn't.

My DP did nothing special for my 40th. For his 50th six months later I did nothing special for him. Do nothing for your DP's birthday, ignore all the hints, give him what he gave you - nothing.

Lemonadeand · 15/12/2024 13:30

Next time he brings it up, tell him you’re still waiting for your 40th birthday trip and won’t be booking his until after you’ve had it.

Thelittlehouseonthehill · 15/12/2024 13:45

Why wasn’t your immediate answer why do you think we should do something special for your birthday when you put no effort into mine.
He’s selfish and entitled. Tell him it’s a meal and nothing else. Don’t give in, he doesn’t deserve it.

TheShiningCarpet · 15/12/2024 14:16

behaviour is a language..... why would you put up with a. outsourcing so much of your value and worth to someone else and b. someone so clearly uninterested in your wellbeing and values?

Oblomov24 · 15/12/2024 15:08

Have you arranged your belated 40th trip to Holland with your friends yet? Why-ever not?

notatinydancer · 15/12/2024 15:43

He's not lovely and would do anything for you, he ruined your birthday.
He doesn't 'help' you round the house, he lives there too , he should do equal to you.
He could shove his 50th.
I'd tell him didn't bother with your birthday so tough.

Jimjamssy · 15/12/2024 15:47

Lord but your relationship bar is on the floor.

He's a mean miserable man who couldn't care less about you.
Your birthday should have made that clear to you.
You have waster 9 years with this loser.

What a waste of a life.
Really sad.

Vaxtable · 15/12/2024 15:51

I would simply tell him no, that he made no effort for your 40th, and you will be putting in the same effort for his 50th

Moresunlessrain · 15/12/2024 16:00

I would tell him he needs to pay for it and it will be a joint 40th/50th birthday trip. Then book somewhere amazing YOU want to go (make sure you book on his credit card).

AgnesX · 15/12/2024 16:03

addictedtolove022 · 15/12/2024 09:34

I’d tell him no and give him the reason?

I'd be telling him the same but a lot less politely.

Lazy sod that he is.

Christmaseason · 15/12/2024 16:06

I really don’t understand why people don’t plan something lovely on their birthday if they can afford it. I’d hate to drop hints and hope I’d get what I want when I could book easyJet flights, accommodation and then spend time booking some amazing activities.
For my big 0 birthdays I always plan a party and a trip and have a lovely time. You only get a handful of 0 birthdays as an adult so why leave one to chance if they are a big deal to you?
The dropping hints and wondering seems very passive to me.