husband wants to move I don't

[ilikepiesomuch]

We have an unusual setup in our relationship. I am the sole breadwinner, lucky enough to earn high 6 figures in a career that I have been in my whole adult life and love. My partner quit their job last year to pursue a career in a different field but has yet to make any real money yet.

We currently live in a nice part of London. My DH moved into the house that I had purchased before we met. But now we that are looking to start a family, we are struggling a bit in where to live. I would like to stay in this area of London, as I have lived here 10 years and my family are close by, as are a decent local friend group I've worked hard to build up from scratch. My work is also very much specific to London as the bulk of the UK industry is based here.

He would like to move away to the west of England. There are a few small towns in Devon that he has visited a few times and likes. And he believes that he will have an easier time making a friendship group there and that he can spend more time with friends without having to travel across to different parts of London. He struggles with the faster pace of London and finds that he doesn't like a lot of the people here and believes it will be different in a more rural spot. He's also keen to integrate more nature into his life.

I guess it's difficult as our house budget is high enough to be able to get a really decent house in this area of London with a big garden and very close to some of the big SW London green spaces. And I worry that I will really struggle moving away from my work, family and friends to start a new life based on his belief that he will do better in a small town that neither of us have any existing connection to. I also would be funding the whole cost of whatever new house we move into as he has no savings. His family also live abroad and he is not that close with them so I sort of feel if we are planning to have kids then we should at least be close to my family to help out when things get hard in those early years!

This is one of those decisions where someone will feel they’re potentially losing out / making a big compromise
from what you’ve described i would stay where you are
having any form of support network when you have kids is vital
would you job options be more limited if you move?
whats his long term plan re earning any money?
I think that’s the bigger question - how will you fund any potential mat leave if you’ve spent a load of money on moving

I think your DH is pointing his hopes on a theoretical situation because he’s not happy currently
if he wants to integrate nature into his life London is full of parks and you’re close to other green space like Kent and essex
maybe one of those places is an option as you can still rapidly access London via rail
i wouldn’t move to a random place hours away because of a
whim to be honest

Absolutely not.
You would be out of your mind to do this.
If you plan a family do not expect him to suddenly step up.
You may find that you have two children.
Paying for it all, organising it all, and doing it all......miles away from any support.

You will need family and friends desperately for support.

If you had a baby with him in the west of england and then decided you wanted to move back, he could prevent you moving.

Be very very wary of a man who doesn't work, depends on your salary, moving you away from your support network.

So many women that do it, bitterly regret it.
Better for the relationship to end now than for you to end up in the arsehole of nowhere stuck.

Sorry for the harsh reply but you need to educate yourself on how life can plaly out for some well meaning women.

Having children changes everything.
Support is the difference that can make it bearable.

My dad is like your DH. Thinks he’ll be happier in a new location, but ultimately just takes his unhappiness with him because it’s about him, not his location. Your presumably 30s husband is doing the same thing - new career, it’s not made him happy, next is a ludicrous move to the West Country. That won’t make him happy -making friends is hard, if he likes nature he could be seeking that out more locally as @rubyslippers says. So it’ll be something else. Nip it in the bud now, he needs to work on his dissatisfaction with life.

To be blunt OP, if he's putting fuck all money into this, he doesn't get to dictate where you live. TBH too I wonder if the two of you are that compatible if you disagree on this most fundamental of things. You're a city girl who wants to live in London and he wants to live in rural Devon. It's not exactly a good start.

Agree that your husband seems to looking for the hypothetical dream and neither of you have any real idea if it will work or not. Having your family and friends around you is so important when you start a family. We had a similar scenario when I was first pregnant - although it was my husband who wanted to stay in London and me who wanted to move out. We have ended up in a very green part of Zone 5 (London/Kent borders) and we both love it here. Try looking at Sevenoaks as well - green and rural but amazing links to London. Good luck!

I've been told by those in my industry it would be career suicide if I did the move. A lot of how you move up the ladder in my work is through developing relationships which is already bloody hard to do in but it does feel easier when you can pop into central for a quick lunch/dinner/meeting and be back home 40 mins later. I worry that I just wouldn't be able to swing that if it involved a 2 or 3 hour door to door trip in, especially if we have children. It would end up being an overnight hotel stay each time. I think he will probably end up making £30 - £40k a year eventually doing what he loves. Decent but it is still a lot less that my income.

Absolutely everything that has already been said. Do not move away from your support network and stability.

Perhaps something of a compromise could be some long breaks there, renting a cottage for as long as you can (you could be working if you're able to WFH) so that he gets a flavour of what it would be like to try and make friends there etc. If he magically gets a gang of easy to see friends and his whole life improves as he imagined it will I'd be very surprised. I think it would expose his whimsical wistful dream as pie in the sky thinking, and I expect he'd then move onto another Big Idea (which you also shouldn't make unwelcome changes for).

I moved 300 miles away for my dh dream of living in a much quieter rural area .
Has it improved his life and wellbeing , no he is still largely dissatisfied with life .
I was working in a job 3 days a week and it wasn't anything like yours . He is the main breadwinner and mine just paid a few bills .
From the sound of it you have a strong connection to your area and tbh you should stand firm and continue to stay around there.
Perhaps moving into a better properly with more room would be a good thing , but you seem happy for it to remain local to where you are now .

Be very very wary of a man who doesn't work, depends on your salary, moving you away from your support network.

Read that, then read it again. The move will take you away from your job, the house you own, friends, family, area you’re familiar with. To somewhere you have no ties, will be four hours drive from family, have used up the equity on your London home and will probably have tanked your career. And then add pregnancy into the mix.

It’s a hard, hard no. And I’d be examining the relationship carefully.

I can't see any benefit to a big move like this for you. Even if he did magically become happier with social life and more nature in his life, it sounds that you would have lost all your happiness and connection with friends, family and career opportunities.

No. You both rely on your job, and your job relies on you living in or near London. And since you are happy and settled where you are, why move?
Not sure how long you've been married, but how much claim would he have on the house if you divorced?
Keep your wits about you here.

Oh and the hours and travelling you would have to do in the arsehole of nowhere would mean YOU would NEVER make friends.

As other posters so wisely spell out, dissatisfied men who change career, are always looking for a change of situation to fix them, take their dissatisfaction with them wherever they go.

They are basically children.
Adults fix shit.
They don't want to run away from their problems.

If you were to move then it would be your job, travelling, working too much would be the problem.

It is not your job to fix him.
It is not your job to make him content and happy.
He met you where you live now.
Do not fxxk up your future, life, career for a dissatisfied man child.

If you were my daughter I would be telling you to be so careful.

Men like your husband ruin women.

To be blunt OP, if he's putting fuck all money into this, he doesn't get to dictate where you live

Ha! Talk about double standards.

Imagine the responses if the op had said 'I'm desperately unhappy where we live but dh massively out earns me and pays for most things. He's told me I don't get any say in where we live or settle down and that he gets to decide this because it's his money. What should I do?'

I am technically a trailing spouse. Dh is the main earner and I left family, friends and jobs to move around with him. Luckily we only did it a few times but I am going to be honest and say the last move with a toddler was the hardest because I lost my support network and left behind my female best friend. I am now 150 miles away and still 60 miles away from family. I haven't really made friends here and I have been here a long time. A move doesn't automatically mean friendships will happen.

The deal is that you have to accept that this is your life, that you make a home where your best friend (which my husband for me) and life partner is. You make it work because they are the one earning the higher salary and you stay or in our case move to where the jobs are.

Your Dh is being completely unreasonable to expect you to up and move to a place he has visited a few times. Holidays are not the same as working day to day, establishing a life there.

Being close to family and friends is important when you have children. Do not be persuaded to move. There is a book or a phrase that the book is named after, wherever you go, there you are. I have a friend who always thinks the next thing will make her happy. Newsflash, we are 20 years down the line, she is still not happy.

He needs to know that you will not be moving, your job provides the salary that you both live on.

It sounds like it would be an awful decision for you. Devon is lovely, and I have some sympathy for not wanting to be in the pace of London, the reality will not be picture postcard.
Monday to Friday, when you still need to work, it's pissing down, you need to catch a train or drive for hours to get anywhere and you're trying to sort childcare... regardless of the beautiful house and the rural idyll, it won't be much fun.
And if your husband doesn't make friends (not always the easiest in a rural community, where you're perceived as a wealthy outsider), then you could become very isolated.
I'd try and dig into it with him a bit more because he will likely move with his problems still in his head. Ask him about the practicalities of moving/children etc if you're no longer able to earn. Paying a mortgage, running two cars, childcare, holidays, future planning etc. He shouldn't just pluck an idea out of the air without actually working through the realities of it.

Do not have children until you resolve this. Personally, if I enjoyed my career I would not be giving it up for a man with no income and pretty poor prospects.

He brings nothing to the table.

I think his desire to move is to undermine you as he feels a deep resentment for your success.

Moving away will see a decline in business for you and he won't feel so bad for being a big fat loser.

Why would someone as successful and capable as you even contemplate being with this lazy good for nothing, let alone start a family with him?

You'll be working and taking care of children whilst he sits on his arse fantasying about his pipe dreams.

Fantasising ^

100% No! Its all been said but this sounds like a recipe for disaster. He's not earning a penny yet so it will be all on you. Don't give up your life, friends and your support network for his pipedream.

This sounds like the outcome of those christmas films, city girl gets together with (wannabe) country boy and... it turns out it's not a good mix. His dreams may be pipe, he may need to give the idea a go, but in your shoes I wouldn't be following him and funding it.

"My work is also very much specific to London as the bulk of the UK industry is based here. "

If this is correct I don't see how you could move and retain your career.
And that's before we get to your friends and family.

Do you think maybe you've grown apart and just want different things?
Is there a compromise of slightly further out of London?

I think your husband will be anticipating buying a house jointly, in both names. I wou,d not (and did not) do this. You need to keep your pre-marriage assets in your name only.

It doesn't sound like a good move for you at all.

And if it's "career suicide" to leave London you definitely shouldn't do it.

I think you'd really resent him if you gave up so much for his dream. It might be more of a retirement plan.

One of you has to budge if you're staying together, but it doesn't make sense for it to be you.

When my dh had the career and I was pt then final decisions were based on his work requirements.
It's basic common sense.
Your dh has to be where your work is or get himself a high paying career.