husband wants to move I don't

[ilikepiesomuch]

We have an unusual setup in our relationship. I am the sole breadwinner, lucky enough to earn high 6 figures in a career that I have been in my whole adult life and love. My partner quit their job last year to pursue a career in a different field but has yet to make any real money yet.

We currently live in a nice part of London. My DH moved into the house that I had purchased before we met. But now we that are looking to start a family, we are struggling a bit in where to live. I would like to stay in this area of London, as I have lived here 10 years and my family are close by, as are a decent local friend group I've worked hard to build up from scratch. My work is also very much specific to London as the bulk of the UK industry is based here.

He would like to move away to the west of England. There are a few small towns in Devon that he has visited a few times and likes. And he believes that he will have an easier time making a friendship group there and that he can spend more time with friends without having to travel across to different parts of London. He struggles with the faster pace of London and finds that he doesn't like a lot of the people here and believes it will be different in a more rural spot. He's also keen to integrate more nature into his life.

I guess it's difficult as our house budget is high enough to be able to get a really decent house in this area of London with a big garden and very close to some of the big SW London green spaces. And I worry that I will really struggle moving away from my work, family and friends to start a new life based on his belief that he will do better in a small town that neither of us have any existing connection to. I also would be funding the whole cost of whatever new house we move into as he has no savings. His family also live abroad and he is not that close with them so I sort of feel if we are planning to have kids then we should at least be close to my family to help out when things get hard in those early years!

I'm in a city in the west country. We call them DFL's - Down From London's. Coming down here with their fancy money and immediately starting on troublesome loft extensions... No, seriously I'm not from here either but he is looking through rose-coloured specs.

He is under estimating how much it rains in the west country compared to the south east.

The nature thing? He can find places and groups in London. Why isn't he already volunteering at the London Wildlife Trust or wherever?

I know two people who like your husband saw the answer to their unhappiness is some move to the unknown. In one case the move was across the globe and two children later he wanted to move to another random place on another part of the globe. Then he had an affair to make himself happy. It didn’t work he still wasn’t happy.

The second person moved across the continent in Europe. Still one of the most unhappy people I have ever met. Happiness is an internal journey. They need to look deep inwards about what is making them unhappy and fix that.

Absolutely this. Right now he's a glorified cock lodger. What kind of well paying professional work is he expecting to find in Devon?

(I am well aware it is doable, but for OPs partner I'm not so sure it would materialise.)

How long had you been together when he decided to pack in his job and live off you? you say last year and we're nearly at the end of this year. Hasn't he thought of taking on work if he isn't bringing in much money. I can only hope he does all the cleaning, food shopping and cooking while you are busy at work.

OP - has he ever lived rurally? I know you've said his family live abroad - did he grow up in the UK outside of London? I'm asking because if he hasn't even lived in a rural location in the UK, then he has zero frame of reference for what it's actually like.

Living rurally is very different to visiting on holiday. Devon in the spring and summer when you are on a relaxing break doing nice things, is not the same as Devon in the depths of winter, when it's freezing rain and grey, and loads of things are closed because it's out of season and the second-homers have stayed in London for Christmas.

Living rurally also involves driving. Lots and lots of driving. If he thinks it's annoying having to travel to see friends across London now, he's being very naive if he thinks socialising will be easier in a rural location.

You'd be mad to do it.

He needs to step up, be earning decent money and be a contributing part of your relationship before you should consider any changes to YOUR life.

Well it cant work can it ?
You are the provider. You also will be the person carrying a baby
You cant uproot to the boonies & continue your job as is. Its not even Tunbridge Wells, hes dreaming of the West Country
So if he's leaving he had better go now before you have children.
Sorry

I do believe we are 100% agreed. Hopefully the OP will too.

Sounds like there are more factors keeping you in London than there are to move out of a London. I'd stay put. Surely your h can find his tribe in London, with all its millions of people?

Why does he think a move to an area where he's never lived and doesn't know anyone is going to mean it's easier for him to find friends? That's illogical. There are some rose tinted glasses here, if he thinks the south west is going to solve his personal problems.

It’s not easy to integrate moving to a small town from a city. Joining established groups can be hard and people aren’t always friendly at first. Can take years to join friendship groups. I agree with others. Stay in London and move somewhere closer to where you currently live.

Is there a possible compromise - somewhere like Richmond?

Actively seek out gardens and lovely walks near where you live. Take a few trains out to the countryside etc.
You NEED to stay near your work as it's the only work that will sustain your family. Your family is close by and that is very important.
Save for a deposit for a small holiday cottage near a town in Devon, communable via train.
Your husband can search for it, work part time and save for it, take the baby down to stay at it and keep it nice for when you all go there for some weekends.

@ilikepiesomuch - as many PPs have said, I think there are bigger issues in play here. Moving to Devon would certainly be an extremely bad idea, especially when your DH’s ideas are so unrealistic. But it really sounds as if you may not be compatible.

Rereading the OP he sounds like a whiny toddler. He wants more friends, but doesn't want to have to travel to see them, really is he 6?

I'm also confused as to why he thinks he would make more like minded friends in the countryside than in London which doubtless has social groups for just about any proclivity. London also has an amazing transport infrastructure so it isn't exactly difficult to travel.

I'm reminded of that saying, wherever you go, there you are. I doubt a move will make him happy, but it will doubtless make OPs life a lot harder.

The only scenario in which I'd give a bit more consideration to your DH's preference than some posters is if you are both planning for him to be a stay at home dad for a few years. Seems important that the one at home is happy where they live and with the likely support network. But it sounds like he's hoping to earn at some point? I also agree that this may be about his general dissatisfaction with life and unlikely to fully solve the problem. I can understand not wanting to live in central London though - the thought makes me feel like I can't breathe. However, you need to protect your career. Surely there's somewhere a bit leafier but commutable?

South West London is a wonderful place to live. The parks are exceptional green spaces and so many of the towns are really pretty. Schools are mostly outstanding. If you go, you will never be able to afford to come back.

But he wouldn't have a support network there. Both he and OP wouldn't know anyone and would be starting afresh.

If his argument was, "I have family and friends in Devon, I'd like us to move there" then it would make more sense. But he doesn't, it's "let's move somewhere where neither of us has anybody".

@category12 I agree. I wouldn't have chosen to move somewhere with no support. But if he's the one who would be most in need of the support then some consideration should be given to how he would weigh up loss of support vs other factors. However, there are a lot of other factors to consider here too and he may well be idealising rural living, and might not be planning to be SAHD. If he is though, it's important context.

I live in a small market town in Somerset near the Devon border - & I'm all for extolling the virtues of living down here & trying dismiss some of the ridiculous stuff said about rural & semi-rural living (some of which have been said on this thread), BUT in your situation a move to Devon doesn't make sense at all!
I agree with other PPs it sounds like his dissatisfaction won't be answered by the move & you will be throwing away everything you've built.

It’s very different living in a place to holidaying in it.
Maybe your partner should move to Devon and get a job, rent somewhere and see how he gets on.
If moving away from London is career suicide for you don’t do it. It has your home, family, friends and job and he doesn’t seem to really be contributing much.

Well if your job is tied to London and that is the primary source of income then a move is not going to happen even if you both wanted such a move.

Has he any actual experience of living rurally anywhere? Or has he been watching too many episodes of "Escape to the Country"? A dissatisfied person will generally take their unhappiness with them.

It would be OP’s career facilitating any move, as well as facilitating him being a SAHD. The same career such a move would kill.

The most important context is that he’s entirely reliant on OP providing him the lifestyle he has. Not sure how he envisions maintaining said lifestyle if he expects OP to scupper her career by doing what he wants.

It would be career suicide and you'd be broken commuting, maintaining your job which no doubt is stressful and being a mum. When men are the breadwinners their jobs dictate where the family lives, this is no different. If you both had family where you will move to, then maybe that would make sense and is worth the stress for you - but you don't!!

Agree with pp that it seems he's going through some sort of existential crisis (career change, lifestyle change etc) and in this state, I would not trust his ability to make life changing decisions. SW London has beautiful green parts and nature can be more accessible than a lot of rural area where it's a lot of private land and fields unless you drive a distance away. We live in East London by Epping Forest and spend more time in nature (we have deer and hedgehogs who wander up to our garden sometimes) walking distance away than my friends who moved out to Kent to a smaller village where they have to drive to public walks.

I think his current feeling about London are probably to do with him not working and maybe feeling emasculated? And he think moving you out to rural Devon will even the scales, maybe make you quit your career and he can get on par with you. Sounds awful, but my friend ended up in this situation. She was London based, great career in Tech, was the main breadwinner over her DH who was Spanish and freelance and struggled to get work in London - didn't like living in her house clearly. He was unhappy and sold the dream to her about how much more relaxed and easy it would be in Spain, better weather, more nature, and she'd be less stressed. She quit her job and moved with him where he landed a great job, she had to go freelance as remote working wasn't an option, and in the space of the year he is the main breadwinner and she's dependent on him. He's made lots of friends obv, she's struggled to fit in and lost her entire social network back home. She's desperately unhappy but now stuck as unless they divorce she can't just move back home, and plans to ttc have been stalled as she's realised that would trap her even more.

Don't do it.

He wants every day to feel like the days on holiday do, don't do it.