husband wants to move I don't

[ilikepiesomuch]

We have an unusual setup in our relationship. I am the sole breadwinner, lucky enough to earn high 6 figures in a career that I have been in my whole adult life and love. My partner quit their job last year to pursue a career in a different field but has yet to make any real money yet.

We currently live in a nice part of London. My DH moved into the house that I had purchased before we met. But now we that are looking to start a family, we are struggling a bit in where to live. I would like to stay in this area of London, as I have lived here 10 years and my family are close by, as are a decent local friend group I've worked hard to build up from scratch. My work is also very much specific to London as the bulk of the UK industry is based here.

He would like to move away to the west of England. There are a few small towns in Devon that he has visited a few times and likes. And he believes that he will have an easier time making a friendship group there and that he can spend more time with friends without having to travel across to different parts of London. He struggles with the faster pace of London and finds that he doesn't like a lot of the people here and believes it will be different in a more rural spot. He's also keen to integrate more nature into his life.

I guess it's difficult as our house budget is high enough to be able to get a really decent house in this area of London with a big garden and very close to some of the big SW London green spaces. And I worry that I will really struggle moving away from my work, family and friends to start a new life based on his belief that he will do better in a small town that neither of us have any existing connection to. I also would be funding the whole cost of whatever new house we move into as he has no savings. His family also live abroad and he is not that close with them so I sort of feel if we are planning to have kids then we should at least be close to my family to help out when things get hard in those early years!

@ilikepiesomuch You need your support network, especially when you have children. Holiday in Devon but don't move there. You have worked hard to get to where you are, don't give that up for a fantasy. There is so much to do in London, so many hobbies and groups where your DH could make friends. Nothing harder than being the new comers in a little village. I'll be honest there is often a stigma when you come from London as well. Stick to your guns and your town.

Gosh I think its pretty unanimous - most unusual.

It does sound like a dream not a plan. I would try and look for the compromise like time in his desired area for holidays. Encourage him to integrate nature into his life closer to home does he belong to a walking group, volunteer at a suitable project perhaps.

Most of all I would not hurry into starting a family until he is a bit more settled into his new career. You run the risk of him being the de facto stay at home parent but in fact you pay for it all, do all the work inside and outside the home too whilst he dreams of other things.

@ilikepiesomuch You should not move. He has no proof of actually feeling better somewhere else. Just a hypothesis.

Some people are like this. They always think changing a job, city, house, hobbies or relationships is the answer to their unhappiness or inability to make things work. When in fact nothing external will never be able to fix a problem that's inside.

Listen to your gut feeling. Its telling you this doesn't feel right.

You'd be far better going it alone and having a baby without him but with your job and support network than you would be in the arse end of nowhere with no support work and an untenable job.

I'd crack on and ditch him to minimise his claim on your assets. The longer this goes on the more you'll lose in what sounds like the inevitable divorce.

Absolutely not OP. Don’t do it.

@ilikepiesomuch so he wants you to sell your house and buy a house which he likes in the middle of nowhere but which you have to pay for considering he only earns a pittance??? that would be a big fat no from me too! you need to live where you currently do to be able to carry out your job! you are the big earner so your job is obviously more important than his newly found love of nature!

Is there a compromise where you agree his Devon plan for retirement? That’s what DH and I have done because my job needs our current location and that’s not flexible.

@ilikepiesomuch im all for compromise but.
Reading your post i get a vibe from your dh that he won’t be happy with life after a move either .
Hw will want another move. Or the opposite he had plans as a stahp with his days spent on the beach.

He mentions friends and work he doesn’t have.
You have a great set up where you are.
I think your dh sounds too immature or lacking the understanding of what having a family means . Financially emotionally and needing support.
OP do you think he will be hands on or will you be juggling work and kids and home life.
His priorities sound wrong at the moment.

Id say to dh that he needs to step up for a couple of years and earn then you can re address the situation. .

I couldn’t stay in London but i never grew up there. There is benefits to both city and country , (nature , beach ) life .

A bit about the idea of making lots of friends in Devon especially when you don't have connections there already. They're not exactly known for their love of incomers from London. I like holidays in that area when you're just chilling out but living there would drive me demented, there are so few amenities and everything takes ages compared to the town I live in which is almost rural compared to London. If you're used to quickly and easily getting to big shops, transport networks, seeing shows, bands etc you will feel really cut off. I'd say don't do it.

If you, the sole earner in this relationship, move away from your london specific job, what does he think you will be living off?

He sounds like a cocklodger. I'd guess that he thinks that getting you to move a long way from your friends & family will make you more reliant on him.

No, no, no.

He is living in a fantasy land. How's he going to make friends in rural location if he is unable to make friends in London?

There is no guarantee he will be happier there. But you'll ruin your career and loose your support system.

He should either try harder to build his network or perhaps you can explore London's suburbs?

I'd postpone any baby planning until this is sorted out

He's looking at life in the west country through rose-tinted goggles methinks.

"Get a paid job and save towards half the deposit and we can talk about it then"

Have you ring fenced the house value in any way?

Of course he expects you to facilitate this, and you’ve facilitated the rest of his lifestyle. Unless he’s stupid, he knows full well it would be unworkable for you and kill your career. Be careful that he isn’t trying to achieve just that based on resentment of you being the breadwinner.

You’re not on an even playing field, and he aware of that too. I really do stress being careful here - an insecure person will oftentimes actively want to ‘humble’ those they blame for that insecurity, to cut them down to size.

I’m all for moving normally (for a better life) but this doesn’t seem right as you will be away from things that give you a good quality of life - friends, family, activities, your work. Personally in your shoes I’d stay in London - funnily enough I'm saying this as someone who hates London.

Tell DH you’re not prepared to move

Do not do it unless it is your dream too.
Remember you cannot make him happy. It is within him
Typical "grass is greener" you need someone who can be happy wherever and see the benefits of what you have.... particularly as he benefits from your salary ...in effect, you lead. For now and with kids he follows
(Or chooses not to..maybe you not compatible for shared vision..but can he compromise? Have dc wait til they are older then review. Not never devon..but not now for career and dc)

He's probably thinking of how peaceful it will be like on holiday. He isn't factoring in how hard it will be for you to get to work, how draining commuting will be, how your career will be impacted. What with all the commuting you won't have time to make friends.and he's expecting you to fund this?

There are less amenities rurally including childcare so how will that work? My friend's daughter lives rurally but was raised in our city and she finds it so hard because she cannot just walk to an excellent park with a picnic. Everything is more expensive.

IMHO your career must come first because its your salary paying for the household bills.

Plus - he is dreaming if he thinks he'll be welcomed with a warm smile in the sticks. More often than not these days he'll be cheek by jowl with the people he thought he'd left in London!

Congratulations - you have a potential cocklodger in the making 😂
no money ( at present ) no way of funding “his “fantasy life in rural Devon unless you fund everything

So hes getting what he wants
your getting SFA and funding it
nice life for him if you can find a sucker to fund your fantasy life

and you go from London where it’s not necessary to have a car to rural Devon where you will probably need to have 2 cars all of which you will be funding

oh and come back in a year - I bet his “business “ is making 0 or minimal income

Oh and when it comes to divorce, men who had no career, did fxxk all to contribute to the pot, childcare, mental load because they are man-children themselves, are surprisingly financially astute when it comes to wanting spousel maintenance, pension split etc.

In your place OP, I would suggest he gets a job and takes on the sole morgage of a house in the arsehole of nowhere for himself.

You retain ownership of your home.
Do not have children while there is uncertainty on this subject.

Let him have his bolt and crack on, while you maintain your independence and career.

30 years ago we were house hhntin and found a gorgeous house, magnificent view of the water, jetty for a boat, incredible.

The woman of the house was moving back into the city with her four children to a nice terraced house as she was broken from the driving.

We loved the house, were childless at the time, but I thank god that I had the cop on to realise I was now a city girl and adored the convenience of urban living.

My children love everything a university city has to offer.

This jumps out at me from your post OP

'There are a few small towns in Devon that he has visited a few times and likes'

It just sounds so childlike. We all like towns that we visit on holiday, it is not the same as living a life somewhere. I also second whoever said that men who SAHP/laid back about money are financially astute when it comes to dividing assets.

My ex-H wouldn't pay into a pension because he didn't trust the financial system, he was going to fund his retirement by busking. He was all over my pension when we divorced though.

This man could really ruin your life if you let him. I honestly would be reconsidering whether you are really compatible.

No. You earn the money, your job is where you are now. You bought your lovely house, you have a network there, you have no job in rural Devon and most people wouldn’t.

hes living in cloud cuckoo land. Can you have a couple of holidays a year to Devon

He quit his job for something totally different that isn't really paying him. He wants to sell up and move to something totally different (and a bit random) that he's hasn't really thought through the practicalities of.

Is he generally quite impulsive?
Does he have a tendency to start projects and then lose interest in them?

Please don't follow his flights of fancy. They will be short lived and it'll leave your career and financial stability in tatters.

No, no, no. no. no.

Bad idea. Huge mistake. Don't do it.

You go ahead and have a baby. You're trying to juggle a small child with an utterly miserable commute, desperately trying to protect your career. With no choice but to do so, because Mr Loves Nature earns fuck-all and someone has to pay the bills. Oh and you have no local support - no friends, no family.

Where's the benefit to you? There isn't any.

Plus the risk that Mr Loves Nature decides that he's bored and lonely because you're running yourself ragged up and down to London for work, and he feels neglected the poor lamb. So he meets Miss Loves Nature and off they trot into the sunset....

Except he's not been working all that much so will claim he's the main parent for childcare, and now you're paying him child maintenance, a higher share of the marital equity, a chunk of your pension and possibly even spousal maintenance. And you're trapped living somewhere you hate, away from friends and family, because you have to be there for your child - and you can't afford to move back to London anyway because you've been priced out.

I would think very very carefully before going any further in this relationship. Do not move and certainly do not have a child with him, until you are sure that you are both on the same page in terms of finances, expectations for who is going to work and how much, childcare, where you're going to live etc.

And if you are going to be so uneven financially for the foreseeable future, then you would do well to get legal advice now, so that you know where you stand. If one party stops working, or drops income substantially then it's fine if you are both in agreement, having discussed and made a decision about it jointly - but it doesn't sound like this is the case here. Would you have been so keen to marry him if he'd been almost penniless when you first met him?