husband wants to move I don't

[ilikepiesomuch]

We have an unusual setup in our relationship. I am the sole breadwinner, lucky enough to earn high 6 figures in a career that I have been in my whole adult life and love. My partner quit their job last year to pursue a career in a different field but has yet to make any real money yet.

We currently live in a nice part of London. My DH moved into the house that I had purchased before we met. But now we that are looking to start a family, we are struggling a bit in where to live. I would like to stay in this area of London, as I have lived here 10 years and my family are close by, as are a decent local friend group I've worked hard to build up from scratch. My work is also very much specific to London as the bulk of the UK industry is based here.

He would like to move away to the west of England. There are a few small towns in Devon that he has visited a few times and likes. And he believes that he will have an easier time making a friendship group there and that he can spend more time with friends without having to travel across to different parts of London. He struggles with the faster pace of London and finds that he doesn't like a lot of the people here and believes it will be different in a more rural spot. He's also keen to integrate more nature into his life.

I guess it's difficult as our house budget is high enough to be able to get a really decent house in this area of London with a big garden and very close to some of the big SW London green spaces. And I worry that I will really struggle moving away from my work, family and friends to start a new life based on his belief that he will do better in a small town that neither of us have any existing connection to. I also would be funding the whole cost of whatever new house we move into as he has no savings. His family also live abroad and he is not that close with them so I sort of feel if we are planning to have kids then we should at least be close to my family to help out when things get hard in those early years!

Having children changes everything.
Support is the difference that can make it bearable.

1,000,000 times this!

excellent post, covers everything, red flags galore OP ! don’t do it !

Best advice here.
Quickest way to ruin your life I can think of..

No. Don't move away from London. You need it for your family, your job and your friendship groups. You could compromise by offering a slight move out to a leafier zone (zone 6 takes you into the Chilterns), but you would be crazy to kill your career since you are the sole earner.

London is a jigsaw puzzle - there's a ton of smaller communities masquerading as one big one. Whatever hobbies your DH is looking for, he is more likely to find it within 5 miles in the city than the country.

I would also have a long chat and set up expectations about housework, childcare and the mental load before you get pregnant. Don't end up as the default parent unless you want to be.

I don't believe this is double standards. If the man earns all the money and needs to live near his job, then he has the final say where you live.

It's even harder to make friends in small rural towns in my experience. They are often "closed shops" and people keep themselves to themselves. Country towns can be very lonely places. There's also (naturally) far fewer social outlets or activities. I think your DH is trying to run away from his own unhappiness to some pipe dream of a rural idyll. OP, this is a very bad idea. Don't even consider it.

I’m in a rural West Country village. It’s been thus, on and off, all my life. Do not move to a village in Devon especially if you want kids.

Stay where you have a support network and friends. It can take years to break down the barriers of being an “incomer” to a village community, so be warned, some villages are better than others, but it can be very challenging.

Why not think about a more countrified setting outside London? Does the sylvan setting of Surrey appeal?

Maybe with a bit of research you will find a compromise?

Good luck. I hope it works out long term for you both but don’t have children until you’ve both got settled minds.

Based on what you're saying there's a lot on you - earning, providing, family, social connection not to mention you will be the one having the babies. I would want to be in the best position for me, not a hypothetical scenario that may or may not be better.

I'd look for a house where you are now with a compromise to revisit the discussion in 5 years.

That’s miles from your job so how would it work. Plus if you’re the main earner if you have a family will he be the stay at home parent? I’d consider some of the counties around London with quick commute in but you need to be on the same page about what you both need and be able to compromise.

So you are basically dragging your DH with you in your relatively successful life like a ball on a chain.
I wouldn't start a family with this man, neither would I have much respect for him, not now anyway, but surely 25 years ago I would feel the same.
Sorry.

This isn't a case of two equal locations which offer the same opportunities, it's the OP's DH wanting to move her away from her job (which pays all their bills), her family and all her friends to go and live in the arse end of nowhere, a place where neither of them have jobs, family or friends just so he can wander in nature. He could wander in nature on Wimbledon Common, if he so wishes, or take himself off on the train at weekends. But no, despite bringing nothing to the table, he's insisting that the OP moves to a place where she can't work, which will jeopardise her career and which offers her nothing in terms of family or friends. It's not even that he has family there - his family are OS - he just wants to uproot her to please himself. And that is entirely selfish and actually rather suspicious.

Given your high six figure salary (which I take to mean north of £500,000 but south of £1,000,000, you can easily afford a holiday home in Devon.

It sounds like you are just fundamentally incompatible. He may or may not be happier elsewhere and realistically to find out you'll be throwing a grenade to your current life which is extremely risky. Has he sat down and worked out all the figures and other details for this new life with regards to employment for himself, for you, property costs, children, childcare costs etc etc or just expecting you to wave a magic wand?

Very good post.
👏
Most men ruin women, as I carefully observed since childhood.
I was "lucky".

No way! He brings absolutely nothing to the table but wants to make a decision about where to live, something that will have a massive impact on your life and working life.

Is his desired career in a creative field like writing a book or painting? If so he would be very lucky to get the income you describe.

who pays the piper calls the tune - OP is your DH from a different culture ?

It is in man’s inherent nature, when everything is settled, going well, plateaud,
to throw everything up in the air for change and new challenges. I’ve seen this
happen so many times, woman loses everything.
As ever, there are brilliant, incisive, heartfelt comments and words of advice here which we hope you will heed.
Please !! don‘t let us read in 5 years time of a desperate mother in the Devonshire hinterland, deserted for a well heeled woman at the local ornithology club, left with triplets one with SN, husband emptied bank account, foreclosure on house imminent,
what should she do?
Well, she should have listened and heeded the warnings, whilst in her lovely home
near Richmond Park, with a 6figure salary, friends, ease of travel, career prospects,
settled.

he's insisting that the OP moves to a place where she can't work, which will jeopardise her career and which offers her nothing in terms of family or friends

And this is a perfect example of how reading comprehension so often flies out of the window on such threads - as soon as there's any possibility of giving a man a kicking, telling an op she's married to a loser or telling her she should LTB.

Op has said 'He would like to'. That's it.

That's VERY different to the story you (and several other posters) have written in your head where he's 'insisting' on all manner of things.

How much does he already "integrate nature into his life" - now when he has no other demands on his time?

Moving sounds like an insane idea based on your OP and updates.

As the breadwinner who would be funding the move, you get to have the ultimate say in this. Be wary, it sounds like he is trying to isolate you from people. He is unlikely to find it any easier to make friends wherever he goes, as he takes his personality with him and that doesn't change.
Despite being married, you seem to still be talking in terms of what he has and what you have. In reality it's all one family pot, there is no yours and his anymore. You put more into the pot but he has a right to half the pot regardless of whether he puts money in or not.
You would be wise to have a lot of planning discussions around how future DC's will be cared for, who if anyone, would be main carer? Will taking mat leave affect your ability to climb the ladder due to being out of the work loop for months? Is he willing to be main carer? It makes financial sense, but not many men want to do it, or are any good at it.
If he became a SAHD, I predict that as your career soars, your lives could separate and a wedge would be created in the relationship.
What's his personality like? Is he more introverted? Has he ever shown any signs of jealousy over you? - that would be a big red flag and could explain his urge to move you away from people who support you.

Don't do this. You'll lose your job, your financial security, your family and friends just to move to the arse end of nowhere so that he can commune with nature. Plus you might well end up with a baby and no family support. You'd regret it big time.

Tell him that he can move to the west country if he wishes - alone. Mean it. He doesn't have the finances to put into it anyway so I guess he would soon come slinking back (and I wouldn't be at all keen to take him back in again).

‘Imagine the responses if the op had said 'I'm desperately unhappy where we live but dh massively out earns me and pays for most things. He's told me I don't get any say in where we live or settle down and that he gets to decide this because it's his money. What should I do?'’

The responses :
a) get a job, then it won’t be just his money.
b) try to work out if you are unhappy because you don’t drive and there is no public transport so the solution is ‘learn to drive’.
etc etc….

I don’t even think it’s just about who brings the money to the table. It’s about changing the status quo. Both people have to be on board with it and if they’re not then I think maintaining the current status takes priority. The OP did not envisage a life in rural Devon when getting with this man and doesn’t want one.

To be honest even if she didn’t have good reasons for not wanting to move (which she does) she shouldn’t be made or emotionally blackmailed into doing this. He met her in London, he was previously happy to live in London. I’d love to move to Cornwall but I know dh wouldn’t so I’ve not even mentioned it.

when you also take on board her reasons such as career suicide, crazy commute, moving away from family the decision to stay in London is obvious. He’s making decisions with his heart not his head and needs to grow up.

Holiday home in Devon. And only if your husband can pay for it. You need to level out the playing field. You can’t be the cash cow for him to pack in a job and do something that earns nothing. He sounds like an idealist. What’s he going to do when the money runs out? He needs to grow up, get a job that pays, and contribute. Don’t throw away the fantastic situation that you have built up for yourself for the whim of someone who will never be satisfied.

So many wise women giving advice here. It’s a hard no from me

Being able to afford a decent sized house with big garden in SW London is ideal when combined with your work situation and family connections. You would be mad to move! You are within an easy drive of lovely countryside in Surrey/Hampshire/ Sussex for your DH to get his nature fix (🤨)

But it’s not really about your DH wanting access to nature is it? Whatever is leading to his discontent will follow you and him - believe me!

Do not move!! For all the reasons people have said.