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Original poster

Am I over reacting- partner finished inside me

261 replies

MyRealBiscuit · 14/12/2024 20:48

Bit of background, we conceived a child whilst I was using birth control so are now extra cautious and he doesn't finish inside me. He has demonstrated good control of this over 8.5 months of having regular sex but the other night he "got carried away" in his words... why do I feel so crap and out of control about it? Took the morning after pill which I was angry about as I've had it in the past and it really plays havoc with my hormones.

OP posts:
MILLYmo0se · 14/12/2024 22:44

Even the posters on this thread are getting sidetracked like your DH, thinking the issue is the possibility you could get pregnant and that's not the issue. You had an agreement, built on you having to put your trust in him and he broke it

oakleaffy · 14/12/2024 22:44

Whippetlovely · 14/12/2024 22:42

Honest to god, most women in the country have been raped then. Most of us have had an accident in our lifetimes when the male has got a bit over excited.

Absolutely! by this standard every woman who has had sex with a man has been raped.

BertieBotts · 14/12/2024 22:44

MyRealBiscuit · 14/12/2024 22:08

I understand your point and I've been with similar partners but my partner isn't like that. He is a bit older and struggles to finish sometimes. Always gets a little warning period and it really did feel like he chose his pleasure in the heat of the moment as it usually gets announced when he is close to finishing and this time it wasn't or I'd have given him a shove...

Show quote history

I think this is relevant. You're both adults and if he's like the post quoted previous to this one, then hopefully as sensible adults you'd agree that pulling out wasn't a reasonable solution.

Also concerning is the post about him not even seeming surprised and just assuming that you'd get the MAP.

If you've agreed on withdrawal as a method even if it's just a back up method, you have to be able to trust him with it. This would totally destroy that trust for me. The risk of pregnancy, even though it's so small with the fact you're already on contraception, is such a serious one that he should be taking it seriously.

Isatis · 14/12/2024 22:44

Bestwishes23 · 14/12/2024 21:11

I'm shocked at the replies on here. He doesn't get to override your consent and you shouldn't have had to use the morning after pill. It'd be a dealbreaker for me personally. If it's not for you, then using a barrier method would be the way forward

It's not necessarily a matter of overriding consent. It's not necessarily easy for.a man to work out when to withdraw, even in the circumstances OP describes.

Isatis · 14/12/2024 22:46

PostReader · 14/12/2024 22:42

Sure. And rape trials as well as the police force are full of people like you who try to excuse rape by calling women foolish. That's why the conviction rate is to low - because getting a jury of 12 people who actually know what the law is in England and Wales is surprisingly difficult.

Show quote history

Well, no, it is regularly the case that the jury does not know the law relating to whichever crime they are trying. Why should they? It is the judge's job to explain it to them.

oakleaffy · 14/12/2024 22:47

OnlyBoobsandBabies · 14/12/2024 22:29

You can still get pregnant even if they don't finish inside you….wrap up

Why don't people realise this?
Is it lack of sex education?.

Condoms OR vasectomy..it's not difficult.

Isatis · 14/12/2024 22:49

PostReader · 14/12/2024 22:39

And a lawyer's opinion, not mine:

Definition of rape
Judges were told that the man had "ejaculated before she could say or do anything about it", and she had become pregnant.
Lord Judge, Lord Chief Justice of England and Wales, Mr Justice Fulford and Mr Justice Sweeney at a High Court hearing in London, added: "She was deprived of choice relating to the crucial feature on which her original consent to sexual intercourse was based.
"Accordingly her consent was negated.
"Contrary to her wishes, and knowing that she would not have consented, and did not consent to penetration or the continuation of penetration if she had any inkling of his intention, he deliberately ejaculated within her vagina.
"In law, this combination of circumstances falls within the statutory definition of rape."

You might find it 'foolish' but it's still rape.

You might also find a woman drinking too much and being raped 'foolish', still rape.

You might find a woman being raped after walking alone at night 'foolish', still rape.

It's not suddenly legal even if you think that it is 'foolish'.

Show quote history

Not relevant to this case, because of that word "deliberately". There is no evidence that it was deliberate on the part of OP's partner.

zerored · 14/12/2024 22:50

You are of course justified in feeling upset. Can you try talking to him again once a bit of time has passed? Explain your feelings and concerns and see what his response is and whether he's able to reassure you? If you no longer feel secure or trust him as a partner that's valid. It sounds like he acted selfishly and didn't fully anticipate how upset you'd be?

HidingFromDD · 14/12/2024 22:50

He broke your trust. It’s possible he genuinely wasn’t able to control it but his attitude afterwards would be the most telling part. If he was immediately contrite and acknowledged he’d engaged in a sexual act you hadn’t consented to then it would be easier to get past (and a very good reason to insist on condoms afterwards). It sounds more like he decided, without discussion, that pregnancy risk was low and you could always take the map and therefore continued. I completely understand why you are so upset and maybe you should look at some mediated therapy to discuss this as it really sounds like (sadly also as do a number of posters here) he just doesn’t understand that what he did was non-consensual sex

PostReader · 14/12/2024 22:52

Isatis · 14/12/2024 22:49

Not relevant to this case, because of that word "deliberately". There is no evidence that it was deliberate on the part of OP's partner.

Show quote history

Read the article properly. They are saying that the man should not have been let off because it is actually impossible to prove whether he did it deliberately chosen to do it or not at the point of consent.

The ruling said: "She believed that he intended and agreed to withdraw before ejaculation. (He) knew and understood that this was the only basis on which she was prepared to have sexual intercourse with him.

ThePotholeHelpdesk · 14/12/2024 22:52

oakleaffy · 14/12/2024 22:35

Men have ''pre ejaculation'' sperm released.

It's a desperately useless method of ''contraception''.

Hence why places where there is no legal birth control have such massive families.

Withdrawal method doesn't work.

Show quote history

Exactly.

Stupidest form of birth 'control' ever.

PostReader · 14/12/2024 22:54

Isatis · 14/12/2024 22:46

Well, no, it is regularly the case that the jury does not know the law relating to whichever crime they are trying. Why should they? It is the judge's job to explain it to them.

Show quote history

No, otherwise people like you would claim that the judge had influenced the jury... and again, the rapist would get away with it.

www.saunders.co.uk/news/virtually-all-rape-victims-are-denied-justice-here-is-the-roadmap-to-failure/

oakleaffy · 14/12/2024 22:55

BBBusterkeys · 14/12/2024 21:00

Simple. “Hey DP. We will be using condoms from now on. I can’t risk you getting carried away again and getting pregnant again or needing to mess up my body with hormones.”

if he pushes “Well, unfortunately I can’t trust you to have control, and this is a risk I am no longer willing to take. We could consider other options like Vasectomy.”

I wonder if not wanting him to use condoms , and to withdraw instead is OP's way of ''controlling '' him.

Can't see any other valid reason.

It's possibly about control and forbidding him the pleasure of just relaxing into sex.

A vasectomy would clear up this for good.

CrowleyKitten · 14/12/2024 22:55

That's such an unreliable method. You can get pregnant from precome. If you want additional protection, use condoms.

They recently changed my pill I've been on since my late teens, because of my blood pressure, and as I never had a scare on that one, I'm anxious about the change, and my husband just said, fine. We can use condoms too.
I've also been referred to get my tubes tied.
I don't want to be on the new pill long term. I've had a low level bleed for 3 weeks since switching, and my sex drive has disappeared

TriesNotToBeCynical · 14/12/2024 22:56

PostReader · 14/12/2024 22:52

Read the article properly. They are saying that the man should not have been let off because it is actually impossible to prove whether he did it deliberately chosen to do it or not at the point of consent.

The ruling said: "She believed that he intended and agreed to withdraw before ejaculation. (He) knew and understood that this was the only basis on which she was prepared to have sexual intercourse with him.

Show quote history

Read it again; they said the decision of the CPS was wrong precisely because it was possible to prove it was deliberate in this particular case. Largely because he said it was deliberate!

Stirrednshaken · 14/12/2024 22:57

oakleaffy · 14/12/2024 22:55

I wonder if not wanting him to use condoms , and to withdraw instead is OP's way of ''controlling '' him.

Can't see any other valid reason.

It's possibly about control and forbidding him the pleasure of just relaxing into sex.

A vasectomy would clear up this for good.

Show quote history

The OP hasn't said he can't wear condoms?! Where on earth did you get that idea from?

Gcsunnyside23 · 14/12/2024 22:58

MyRealBiscuit · 14/12/2024 21:13

I conceived on the pill previously as said in my post. I've changed pill but worry still and it's an agreement between us so I feel less worried about it happening again. I was advised I could take the morning after pill still.

Show quote history

Same situation with pregnancy and the pill. We use condoms as withdrawal is not contraception as precum is enough. I would tell him to get a vasectomy. Look it's easy to get carried away in the moment, we had similar after a night out where once I was the one who was slow to remove myself and once with him where the finishing moment jumped up in him (he's usually very good at knowing well ahead of time when). You need to be proactive here and use condoms

Bananadana · 14/12/2024 22:58

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ReadingSoManyThreads · 14/12/2024 22:58

Viviennemary · 14/12/2024 22:13

Two adults should really be aware that this is not a form of birth control.

It's astounding that every single post I see you comment on, you have failed to read and comprehend the post.

I'll say it yet again, for you and all the many, many others on this thread who also have failed to read the post correctly - the OP IS on birth control, but having fallen pregnant on birth control previously, they ALSO use withdrawal, and to take extra precaution as he did not withdraw this time, she used the MAP because the regular pill has failed her before.

PostReader · 14/12/2024 22:59

TriesNotToBeCynical · 14/12/2024 22:56

Read it again; they said the decision of the CPS was wrong precisely because it was possible to prove it was deliberate in this particular case. Largely because he said it was deliberate!

Show quote history

No, you are wrong. The deliberateness is just one final nail in the coffin. The woman had never consented to having a man ejaculating in her in the first place.

Buttercup198 · 14/12/2024 22:59

Pulling out isn't contraception that's on you both love

My ex husband raped me and yet the police done nothing

CrowleyKitten · 14/12/2024 23:00

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It's not different to agreeing to sex with a condom, then realising they've slipped it off. That's rape too.

If sex is agreed to on conditions, and those conditions aren't met, it's rape

oakleaffy · 14/12/2024 23:00

ThePotholeHelpdesk · 14/12/2024 22:52

Exactly.

Stupidest form of birth 'control' ever.

Show quote history

Plus it ruins sex for both parties.

How can one relax into it if one is worrying about pre-come &c.

We aren't in the 19th century any more.

Contraception is more reliable than ever before.

Bananadana · 14/12/2024 23:01

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Gcsunnyside23 · 14/12/2024 23:01

mathanxiety · 14/12/2024 21:24

If you consented to sex with the condition that he would withdraw, and he reneged on that, you've been raped, OP.

Oh ffs that is not the same. She consented to sex but if she didn't want him to finish inside then use a condom. Accidents happen, as do spontaneous orgasms