Page 6 | Shocked at the way my dad's just treated my son.

TowerBallroom · 14/12/2024 18:36

Your Dad has been emotionally abusive to your children and probably you, your sister and Mum as you were growing up, you have learnt the rules of how to be around him, not to challenge him and keep the status quo

I actually think this is a toxic family and in this you have a Golden child and a Scapegoat onto which all the toxic behaviours are played out.
Whatever your son does he has been chosen to be "wrong"
Well done for protecting your son
I will never forget the white hot fury when my son was screamed at
Break the cycle

MzHz · 14/12/2024 18:49

I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this and your son has been hurt by his grandfather

youre absolutely right not to see them again, but YOU have not ruined anything, your son has not ruined anything, this is all on your parents.

your dad for being so unspeakably cruel and rude to a little boy, and your mother for not standing up for you/him.

”couldn’t say anything” what utter bollocks.

forget the presents, you don’t need to give your mum and dad anything and your kids don’t need anything from them. The only gift you can give them is never to subject them to your parents again

you’re going to have to speak to your children and tell them it was not their fault, that your dad was grumpy with you, but as he’s got older it’s worse. It wasn’t your fault then and isn’t their fault now.

MzHz · 14/12/2024 18:52

I think you need to send a message to your dad that his behaviour was utterly unacceptable and that you’re stepping away. Tell him that the only “fucking idiot” is him because he’s lost you/your family due to his cruelty towards a little boy

ChristmasCwtch · 14/12/2024 18:54

What a disgusting piece of shit speaking about a child like that.

The answer is never go there again. He can sit in his lonely quiet house and when he’s older and infirm, he can sit in his pissed pants with absolutely no one for company.

Hopefully your mum can still have a relationship with you/your children.

In your shoes, I’d tell both of your children that they will never have to go there or see him again, that you don’t condone his behaviour and he’s a horrible person.

Mrsbloggz · 14/12/2024 18:58

I wonder what your father would do if you effed & blinded at him?
I think it would be purple face & then EXPLODE.

I know how hard it can be to stand up to domineering parents, it's because you have been trained from birth to subordinate yourself to them. It can take a lot to recognise that, never mind break the conditioning!

Overpayment · 14/12/2024 19:32

I can see both sides of this tbh.

Of course your DF shouldn't have snapped like that, but almost 7 is old enough to learn that different environments require different behaviours.

At home, in the park? Fine to be boisterous and on the go. Restaurants, classroom and GP's house? Need to moderate a bit.

We did this by encouraging ours to look at the behaviour and energy level of their host, and try to copy that. It took some practice, but on the whole seems was pretty effective.

DC will be DC, but I also think it's ok for your DPs to expect your DC to have more than one behaviour setting, and for it to be your job to teach them this. I can understand why they're upset that you haven't taken steps to teach them this.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/12/2024 19:36

Overpayment · 14/12/2024 19:32

I can see both sides of this tbh.

Of course your DF shouldn't have snapped like that, but almost 7 is old enough to learn that different environments require different behaviours.

At home, in the park? Fine to be boisterous and on the go. Restaurants, classroom and GP's house? Need to moderate a bit.

We did this by encouraging ours to look at the behaviour and energy level of their host, and try to copy that. It took some practice, but on the whole seems was pretty effective.

DC will be DC, but I also think it's ok for your DPs to expect your DC to have more than one behaviour setting, and for it to be your job to teach them this. I can understand why they're upset that you haven't taken steps to teach them this.

He wasn't being badly behaved. He was hiding behind his mum FFS.

And a grown man swore and was horrible.

rainbowsparkle28 · 14/12/2024 19:40

Honestly I would be having nothing to do with them. Protect you and most importantly your children. Send your parents a message being very clear you will not be having Christmas with them, and they will not be seeing their grandchildren. If your mum wishes to see them and you feel this is appropriate then you set a clear boundary that this is not at your/their home and this will be with your mum only and you will leave if he is present.

rainbowsparkle28 · 14/12/2024 19:41

Overpayment · 14/12/2024 19:32

I can see both sides of this tbh.

Of course your DF shouldn't have snapped like that, but almost 7 is old enough to learn that different environments require different behaviours.

At home, in the park? Fine to be boisterous and on the go. Restaurants, classroom and GP's house? Need to moderate a bit.

We did this by encouraging ours to look at the behaviour and energy level of their host, and try to copy that. It took some practice, but on the whole seems was pretty effective.

DC will be DC, but I also think it's ok for your DPs to expect your DC to have more than one behaviour setting, and for it to be your job to teach them this. I can understand why they're upset that you haven't taken steps to teach them this.

Rubbish. His behaviour was bullying and abusive and he is a grown ass adult. There is no excuse.

StaunchMomma · 14/12/2024 19:42

I'd be going back to tell him to his face that he's a nasty, abusive shit and he won't be seeing your kids again. I know he was only cruel to your son but he could do this to any of them. It's not worth the risk.

This is also incredibly hurtful to you so I wouldn't blame you for not speaking to him again either.

Drop their presents off and tell your Mum she can see the kids away from the house. I bet she'll push back because it's easier for her (and probably your sister) if you do agree to be around them all as usual and they won't want the upheaval just before Xmas but I'm sorry, they aren't the important ones here - your son is.

I'd be raging, OP. Well done for getting them out of there without a scene.

suburburban · 14/12/2024 19:44

He sounds awful

Why is he using the F word around your poor ds

StaunchMomma · 14/12/2024 19:45

Overpayment · 14/12/2024 19:32

I can see both sides of this tbh.

Of course your DF shouldn't have snapped like that, but almost 7 is old enough to learn that different environments require different behaviours.

At home, in the park? Fine to be boisterous and on the go. Restaurants, classroom and GP's house? Need to moderate a bit.

We did this by encouraging ours to look at the behaviour and energy level of their host, and try to copy that. It took some practice, but on the whole seems was pretty effective.

DC will be DC, but I also think it's ok for your DPs to expect your DC to have more than one behaviour setting, and for it to be your job to teach them this. I can understand why they're upset that you haven't taken steps to teach them this.

What a load of rubbish!

The kid dropped a remote and spoke to his sister, FFS. Hardly misbehaving, is it?!

A grown adult speaking to a child like that is nothing short of abuse. Nobody cares how you 'trained' your kids - you need to train yourself if you think for a second that this is reasonable adult behaviour!

mumedu · 14/12/2024 19:46

MzHz · 14/12/2024 18:49

I’m so sorry you’ve gone through this and your son has been hurt by his grandfather

youre absolutely right not to see them again, but YOU have not ruined anything, your son has not ruined anything, this is all on your parents.

your dad for being so unspeakably cruel and rude to a little boy, and your mother for not standing up for you/him.

”couldn’t say anything” what utter bollocks.

forget the presents, you don’t need to give your mum and dad anything and your kids don’t need anything from them. The only gift you can give them is never to subject them to your parents again

you’re going to have to speak to your children and tell them it was not their fault, that your dad was grumpy with you, but as he’s got older it’s worse. It wasn’t your fault then and isn’t their fault now.

OTT

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/12/2024 19:47

I would not bother with either of then
going forward. If you’ve ready bought gifts for them return those for a refund.

Your mother had a choice here re him and yet again she has chosen her husband. I doubt very much you will ever see her on her own. She gets what she wants out of the relationship she has with your dad and she is his enabler.

JustWalkingTheDogs · 14/12/2024 19:49

I'd have blown up at him for saying that to a child, what disgusting behaviour. I'd refuse to see him again. If you've bought him a Christmas present, take it back and use the money to take your dc for a treat.

RolaColaLola · 14/12/2024 19:58

Wendolino · 14/12/2024 16:13

My FIL started to be horrible to his eldest grandson, my nephew. Snapping at him for the slightest thing. We now think it was the early stages of the dementia he was diagnosed with a couple of years later.

I was coming to suggest the same thing. Could your dad be finding something hard at the moment and a lively energetic child has pushed him beyond his limit to appear to be coping? Early dementia? Depression? Hearing loss or tinnitus or other sensory input disorder?

NiftyKoala · 14/12/2024 20:10

He called your son IT. That is all you need to know. Protect your children.

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 15/12/2024 09:54

Overpayment · 14/12/2024 19:32

I can see both sides of this tbh.

Of course your DF shouldn't have snapped like that, but almost 7 is old enough to learn that different environments require different behaviours.

At home, in the park? Fine to be boisterous and on the go. Restaurants, classroom and GP's house? Need to moderate a bit.

We did this by encouraging ours to look at the behaviour and energy level of their host, and try to copy that. It took some practice, but on the whole seems was pretty effective.

DC will be DC, but I also think it's ok for your DPs to expect your DC to have more than one behaviour setting, and for it to be your job to teach them this. I can understand why they're upset that you haven't taken steps to teach them this.

er, so if the respected adult around you that you love is swearing at you and calling you names, is that the behaviour we should allow to be modelled around our children?

theallotmentqueen · 15/12/2024 13:29

Itwentwrongagain4 · 14/12/2024 15:53

Sorry I wrote another post about being ghosted and now something totally separate has happened.

My sons almost 7. Very energetic. On the go. Full of questions and needs alot of stimulation and patience. He can be annoying. He can get moody. But he is also a lovely Child.
My parents have always been very short fused with the kids. My first child was shy and got a hard time about that. I felt constantly attacked when I went around. So I massively cut back visiting.
Whenever I take both children there which is incredibly rare it's a nightmare. They are bored. There's not much to do. My dad doesn't like noise or energetic play. Playing hide and seek or running about in general annoys him. Crumbs annoy him. They never play with the kids. Their effort is small and sometimes my dad will give them an ice cream or have a little more patience.

Today we went out with my sister and niece. Picked up some nibbles and arranged to go to see My parents at lunch time ish. We got there at 1.30. My son started getting nervous as My dad had shouted at him last time for snatching the remote of his sister and it dropped onto the carpet. He did this worrying his sister was going to put something scary on. So he was worried. He hid behind me and went all shy. Wouldn't speak. My dad said the following

"I get sick of him. He's a fucking idiot. Never met a child like it"

He then stormed into the other room where he stayed. My daughter went to the toilet and twice my son walked to the hallway to talk to her. My dad went into the hall and said

"Get in there and bluddy shut up"

At this stage I stood up and said I am actually going to leave now mum and I won't be bringing him back again. We left. My son asked me why my dad hates him with tears in his eyes and said various stuff that showed me he is really upset.

I am upset. My dad hates my little boy.

What would you honestly do. Christmas is coming up and now it's all ruined. I can't go see them.

I would personally refuse to allow your father to have access to the child after he said something like that. That kind of behaviour is absolutely unforgivable in my opinion. In regard to your mother, some boundaries might work? E.g. allowing her to see your kids on the basis that she remains respectful to them (I saw that you said it was mainly your Dad who was cruel to your kids, but you said that both parents have a short fuse).

I think the really important thing is to show your kids through your actions that this treatment of them is never ok. If you try to go back there with the kids and pretend that it never happened/smooth everything over, it will send your son the message that he isn't worth protecting and that he deserves to be spoken to cruelly. Take it seriously, and show your son that you're taking it seriously.

theallotmentqueen · 15/12/2024 13:34

Itwentwrongagain4 · 14/12/2024 15:53

Sorry I wrote another post about being ghosted and now something totally separate has happened.

My sons almost 7. Very energetic. On the go. Full of questions and needs alot of stimulation and patience. He can be annoying. He can get moody. But he is also a lovely Child.
My parents have always been very short fused with the kids. My first child was shy and got a hard time about that. I felt constantly attacked when I went around. So I massively cut back visiting.
Whenever I take both children there which is incredibly rare it's a nightmare. They are bored. There's not much to do. My dad doesn't like noise or energetic play. Playing hide and seek or running about in general annoys him. Crumbs annoy him. They never play with the kids. Their effort is small and sometimes my dad will give them an ice cream or have a little more patience.

Today we went out with my sister and niece. Picked up some nibbles and arranged to go to see My parents at lunch time ish. We got there at 1.30. My son started getting nervous as My dad had shouted at him last time for snatching the remote of his sister and it dropped onto the carpet. He did this worrying his sister was going to put something scary on. So he was worried. He hid behind me and went all shy. Wouldn't speak. My dad said the following

"I get sick of him. He's a fucking idiot. Never met a child like it"

He then stormed into the other room where he stayed. My daughter went to the toilet and twice my son walked to the hallway to talk to her. My dad went into the hall and said

"Get in there and bluddy shut up"

At this stage I stood up and said I am actually going to leave now mum and I won't be bringing him back again. We left. My son asked me why my dad hates him with tears in his eyes and said various stuff that showed me he is really upset.

I am upset. My dad hates my little boy.

What would you honestly do. Christmas is coming up and now it's all ruined. I can't go see them.

Just to add - I think you can have a much nicer Christmas without your parents. I'm not sure if you have other family/a partner, but I think you can have a lovely Christmas with just you. You say it's a nightmare every time you see your parents, so why have that pressure on Christmas day?

For reference, I'm 22, but me, my mum and sister have been having Christmas together just us three since I was 12 and I love it. It wasn't for a dramatic reason - we just realised that we found Christmas with extended family too stressful, and we decided it would be nicer to just hang out together. We just made up an excuse and have had Christmas together ever since. Honestly, it's lovely - we cook a nice meal together, go on a walk, watch a movie. It's all very low-key, no one is stressed out, we just have a good day together.

Garcws · 16/12/2024 09:58

@MammmaG Ooof that is harsh. I'm so sorry you and all the others are having to navigate family members like this.

So many people think it's OK to say the most hurtful things and there will be no consequences.

I can still remember my Grandmother saying within my hearing that me and my sister are nowhere near being her favourite grandchildren and named the two that were. I would have been five or six and I am well into my 60s now and quite honestly, that pales into insignificance compared to the some of the things quoted on this thread.

I remember my Mums anger and her ushering us from the room. Visits were far less frequent after that. We were glad of it, presumably my GPs were glad of it but my father, who loved both his parents but especially his mother, suffered for it and started going on his own to see them which saddened him.

lionloaf · 16/12/2024 10:32

Your parents don’t like your children, so stop bringing your children to them! Your children shouldn’t be subject to that.

Do your parents like you? How was your childhood?