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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shocked at the way my dad's just treated my son.

147 replies

Itwentwrongagain4 · 14/12/2024 15:53

Sorry I wrote another post about being ghosted and now something totally separate has happened.

My sons almost 7. Very energetic. On the go. Full of questions and needs alot of stimulation and patience. He can be annoying. He can get moody. But he is also a lovely Child.
My parents have always been very short fused with the kids. My first child was shy and got a hard time about that. I felt constantly attacked when I went around. So I massively cut back visiting.
Whenever I take both children there which is incredibly rare it's a nightmare. They are bored. There's not much to do. My dad doesn't like noise or energetic play. Playing hide and seek or running about in general annoys him. Crumbs annoy him. They never play with the kids. Their effort is small and sometimes my dad will give them an ice cream or have a little more patience.

Today we went out with my sister and niece. Picked up some nibbles and arranged to go to see My parents at lunch time ish. We got there at 1.30. My son started getting nervous as My dad had shouted at him last time for snatching the remote of his sister and it dropped onto the carpet. He did this worrying his sister was going to put something scary on. So he was worried. He hid behind me and went all shy. Wouldn't speak. My dad said the following

"I get sick of him. He's a fucking idiot. Never met a child like it"

He then stormed into the other room where he stayed. My daughter went to the toilet and twice my son walked to the hallway to talk to her. My dad went into the hall and said

"Get in there and bluddy shut up"

At this stage I stood up and said I am actually going to leave now mum and I won't be bringing him back again. We left. My son asked me why my dad hates him with tears in his eyes and said various stuff that showed me he is really upset.

I am upset. My dad hates my little boy.

What would you honestly do. Christmas is coming up and now it's all ruined. I can't go see them.

OP posts:
Wendolino · 14/12/2024 17:01

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/12/2024 16:50

My FIL has called nephew stupid and treated him poorly. 10 years later, no dementia.

Sometimes people are just horrible.

At this stage I stood up and said I am actually going to leave now mum and I won't be bringing him back again. We left.

OP you were a great mum here. Carry on the good work.

Show quote history

Yes I am aware that there are some horrible people, I was just giving an example of when someone's unpleasantness was due to dementia.

Harshtruth1111 · 14/12/2024 17:05

Itwentwrongagain4 · 14/12/2024 15:53

Sorry I wrote another post about being ghosted and now something totally separate has happened.

My sons almost 7. Very energetic. On the go. Full of questions and needs alot of stimulation and patience. He can be annoying. He can get moody. But he is also a lovely Child.
My parents have always been very short fused with the kids. My first child was shy and got a hard time about that. I felt constantly attacked when I went around. So I massively cut back visiting.
Whenever I take both children there which is incredibly rare it's a nightmare. They are bored. There's not much to do. My dad doesn't like noise or energetic play. Playing hide and seek or running about in general annoys him. Crumbs annoy him. They never play with the kids. Their effort is small and sometimes my dad will give them an ice cream or have a little more patience.

Today we went out with my sister and niece. Picked up some nibbles and arranged to go to see My parents at lunch time ish. We got there at 1.30. My son started getting nervous as My dad had shouted at him last time for snatching the remote of his sister and it dropped onto the carpet. He did this worrying his sister was going to put something scary on. So he was worried. He hid behind me and went all shy. Wouldn't speak. My dad said the following

"I get sick of him. He's a fucking idiot. Never met a child like it"

He then stormed into the other room where he stayed. My daughter went to the toilet and twice my son walked to the hallway to talk to her. My dad went into the hall and said

"Get in there and bluddy shut up"

At this stage I stood up and said I am actually going to leave now mum and I won't be bringing him back again. We left. My son asked me why my dad hates him with tears in his eyes and said various stuff that showed me he is really upset.

I am upset. My dad hates my little boy.

What would you honestly do. Christmas is coming up and now it's all ruined. I can't go see them.

I think you may benefit from counselling.

You needed to address your dad and not your mum. Do you fear his response?

I would have had a conversation with him there and then and said to him (not mum) that my son does not deserve to be spoken to like that and I will leave with my kids. Mum is welcome to see me and I will see her when you are not present and left.

Justmuddlingalong · 14/12/2024 17:13

I'd be telling you're mum that she's welcome to visit you and her GC at yours, but without your DF, because you won't be going to your DP's house.
That's atrocious behaviour and if your DM wants to tolerate the grumpy shit, fine, but you will be protecting your DC from him by refusing to engage at all.

Sistertwo · 14/12/2024 17:14

My father shouted nastily at my ADHD son once, when he was 6 or 7. We left.

I was fully prepared to never see him again. However, We do still see him, for short periods, but only because he wrote a very heartfelt apology in which he explained that he had been depressed, was shocked at himself, and would never do it again. And to be fair, he never did - that son is 21 now.

Mirabai · 14/12/2024 17:14

Cognitive decline can result in lowered inhibitions and general grumpiness.

Elderly people are often find noise and rumpus more agitating and they have a shorter fuse and less self regulation.

diddl · 14/12/2024 17:15

"I get sick of him. He's a fucking idiot. Never met a child like it"

Your father said that last time but you went again today?

Why do you think that Christmas is ruined?

My parents have always been very short fused with the kids.

So none of them get anything out of visits?

WilfredsPies · 14/12/2024 17:19

Have a nice relationship with him now. Found him grumpy as a child and as an adult I do find his moods make me feel weird Have you explained to your DS that it’s not him, and that your father is just a deeply unpleasant man unless everything is just to his liking?

My mum was disgusted but couldn't say nothing Why not? Why couldn’t she say anything? Why didn’t she say anything when you were a child? I think it sounds like you’ve (understandably)been left with some issues around your father’s treatment of you.

I have no idea what it’s like to have a nice dad because mine was horrific. But I can tell you that it isn’t normal or healthy for a child to be wary of an adult because that adult can’t control themselves. I think you probably did the right thing by not arguing back in front of the DC and just leaving, because that would have just upset them more, but if you let your father anywhere near either of your DC again, then you would be making a huge mistake. And if your mum isn’t able or willing to protect them against him, then there would be no unsupervised contact there either.

Christmas is not your problem. Your sister and her DC are welcome in your home, your mum is welcome in your home. Your father is not. And you won’t be taking your children to any occasion where he is present because you are protecting them from a man who cannot control himself.

Spangledangle · 14/12/2024 17:19

If your dad hasn't been like this before then perhaps it might be the signs of some cognitive changes like dementia. I'm not excusing his behaviour but if he's normally not like this then it may be a possibility. I wonder if he's been displaying any other behaviour changes? Perhaps a word with your mother when the dust has settled a bit.

theDudesmummy · 14/12/2024 17:19

Anyone who said this about/to my son wouldn't get another chance to be around him.

godmum56 · 14/12/2024 17:19

Tittat50 · 14/12/2024 16:46

I'm coming in from another angle.

I think you handled that perfectly. You said and did the exact right thing in the situation in my view

My child is ADHD so there have been moments where I and others around, especially if short fused,can come out with some very strong unpleasant emotions and words. I've really unkindly snapped and shouted not so nice things at the overwhelm I have felt. Not calling an idiot - that's just really low and I do wonder if there's something more going on with your dad.

The constant noise and jumping around when I'm feeling unwell( health challenges) has brought me to being less empathetic.

Some people have very low capacity for ' spirited' kids. I think the older generation struggle alot more than we do.

The thing is, your dad must apologize and accept that what he said was really cruel and completely unacceptable. Saying I need a break - ok that I'm sure you can accept even if a bit hurtful,but what he said, no, not ok.

I am guessing he won't apologise. I am thinking your mum won't challenge him either. That makes it all really difficult and an environment you can't be in. Or your son.

I wouldn't go there for Christmas. I'd keep well away. I'd be hoping for something from your mum here in all this. Some backing you up and directly challenging your dad.

and once again although I don't want to go OT can we please not lay behaviour on old age?

godmum56 · 14/12/2024 17:20

Spangledangle · 14/12/2024 17:19

If your dad hasn't been like this before then perhaps it might be the signs of some cognitive changes like dementia. I'm not excusing his behaviour but if he's normally not like this then it may be a possibility. I wonder if he's been displaying any other behaviour changes? Perhaps a word with your mother when the dust has settled a bit.

OP says when she was a child he was "grumpy"

Miley1967 · 14/12/2024 17:22

How horrible. I would stay away. I remember as a child my auntie ( mum's sister) calling me a bloody nuisance and I still remember now how upset I was !

babyproblems · 14/12/2024 17:22

Your dad sounds horrible. I wondered if he had dementia actually because this is such strange behaviour - IF he has no prior history of being nasty that is. I think you’re right to stay away. Horrible for your son xx

Themidnightcuppa · 14/12/2024 17:23

I hope you can see your mum separately with your children.

Your children don’t deserve this behaviour.

could your dad have the start of dementia etc?

PussInBin20 · 14/12/2024 17:23

I would ask your Dad why he hates him too - how horrible.

Solent123 · 14/12/2024 17:25

Why didn't you or your mum call him out on his behaviour?

LizzieBennetsSister · 14/12/2024 17:26

Whatever you do now will stay with and affect your DS way into the future. Stand up for him and don't expose your DC to your parents or their home again. If you want to see your DM she can visit you without your DF. Enjoy Christmas without them.

Spangledangle · 14/12/2024 17:26

godmum56 · 14/12/2024 17:20

OP says when she was a child he was "grumpy"

Show quote history

True.I suppose it depends on OP's definition of grumpy. A grumpy old man and an abusive man can be 2 different things.

Garcws · 14/12/2024 17:27

Jimjamssy · 14/12/2024 16:41

I don't understand your confusion.

Your father is an ugly nasty vicious pig that made your poor child cry.

Your son will NEVER forget this and how he was made to feel.

Why are you confused.

I would NEVER visit that house again.
He would NEVER see me or my children again.
He would NEVER set foot in my home again.

There should be zero confusion.
Put your poor son first.
It's not difficult to do the right thing by your child.

This. entirely. You have to parent now and never expose your kids to this asshole.

Your boy will never forget this. Stay away. When he is an adult, he can go see his GF if he wants to but allowing him anywhere near your son until that day would be a massive failure on your part OP. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

BlackSwan · 14/12/2024 17:30

No contact.

What an old prick.

blackpear · 14/12/2024 17:31

Your poor little boy. You did the right thing, OP, well done. I would steer clear of your Dad unless there’s a very sincere apology.

Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 14/12/2024 17:31

Was your dad always this emotionally dysregulated? Because it’s toxic and plain disgusting. Someone above mentioned dementia. Has anyone else had any concerns? If this is a behaviour change from “grumpy” it could be something serious.

What your son has been exposed to will stay with him for life, but what will have the biggest impact and decide whether he internalises the awful things he’s heard said about him is whether or not you protect him, so I think you know you can’t maintain a relationship with your dad with your children around. Your daughter is also watching this whole thing and your actions even if she’s not the direct victim of her grandfather’s abuse.

CautiousLurker01 · 14/12/2024 17:32

Your father is abusive. You are knowingly exposing already traumatised children to his abuse. Please just stop.

Tubetrain · 14/12/2024 17:33

I'd just send both of them a text saying that you and your family won't be seeing either of them again until he's ready to apologise to you and your son, and leave it at that.

LavenderViolets · 14/12/2024 17:34

This is awful…….though I don’t get why your mum or sister didn’t stand up to your dad? I would have hit the roof had anyone spoken to my family like that. Please tell your lovely boy that there is something wrong with your dad and nothing wrong with him and please don’t put him through that again. Your dad doesn’t deserve grandkids.

My dad was very cruel to me sometimes when younger. On one occasion when I was a teenager I warned him what would happen if he ever spoke to me like that again. He later apologised and never did it again. My BF was witness to what he said and couldnt believe what he actually said to me. They said had they not been there and I told them they would have thought I was exaggerating.

My FIL can be an absolute horror, he can’t keep his criticising quiet for 5 mins. Simple, I rarely see him and he knows why.