Shocked at the way my dad's just treated my son.

[Itwentwrongagain4]

Sorry I wrote another post about being ghosted and now something totally separate has happened.

My sons almost 7. Very energetic. On the go. Full of questions and needs alot of stimulation and patience. He can be annoying. He can get moody. But he is also a lovely Child.
My parents have always been very short fused with the kids. My first child was shy and got a hard time about that. I felt constantly attacked when I went around. So I massively cut back visiting.
Whenever I take both children there which is incredibly rare it's a nightmare. They are bored. There's not much to do. My dad doesn't like noise or energetic play. Playing hide and seek or running about in general annoys him. Crumbs annoy him. They never play with the kids. Their effort is small and sometimes my dad will give them an ice cream or have a little more patience.

Today we went out with my sister and niece. Picked up some nibbles and arranged to go to see My parents at lunch time ish. We got there at 1.30. My son started getting nervous as My dad had shouted at him last time for snatching the remote of his sister and it dropped onto the carpet. He did this worrying his sister was going to put something scary on. So he was worried. He hid behind me and went all shy. Wouldn't speak. My dad said the following

"I get sick of him. He's a fucking idiot. Never met a child like it"

He then stormed into the other room where he stayed. My daughter went to the toilet and twice my son walked to the hallway to talk to her. My dad went into the hall and said

"Get in there and bluddy shut up"

At this stage I stood up and said I am actually going to leave now mum and I won't be bringing him back again. We left. My son asked me why my dad hates him with tears in his eyes and said various stuff that showed me he is really upset.

I am upset. My dad hates my little boy.

What would you honestly do. Christmas is coming up and now it's all ruined. I can't go see them.

This. My father is an abusive horrible bullying. I spent 40 years not thinking but knowing my sister was loved and I wasn’t. Cycle repeated with my two children. Eldest adored. Youngest with S and L difficulties and short sighted shouted out and told they needed to harden up and treated like an animal. Tell your parents they are abusive and you will not let your children be abused. My son doesn’t miss him and I became dysfunctional due to them.

Ask yourself this - should he have snatched the remote - probably not. That wasn’t the best thing to do. He could of modelled good behaviour for his youngest sibling and said please etc

Children should not be running around anyone’s house. So think - go for a walk first before you go around. But when a grandparent hates a child and yours does - protect them. So take lessons but yes you did the right thing and protect them.

OP, your children sound lovely, I wish I could be their grandparent. Sending hugs.

I would go round on my own, read him the riot act, tell him exactly what I think of him. Then I would never see him or speak to him again.

He wouldn't be anywhere near my kids again. Bugger Christmas. I feel quite upset about your son so god knows how you feel.

If reframe this. Your mum chose to say nothing and the definition of a nice relationship is not dreading going round.

Christmas is not going to be ruined by not seeing this pillock over the festive period - on the contrary it will be greatly enhanced!! Enjoy!

Nah I'd have pulled him up way before that op. He clearly dislikes your son for just being a kid.

Do you think your son, daughter and niece might benefit from hearing someone (you/ your mum) tell your father this is unacceptable and you won't be around him if this is how he chooses to behave? Right now everyone seems to be trying to stop it escalating which means it goes on and on and nobody puts a stop to it

Sounds like he doesn't deserve grandchildren.
Did you ask him not to speak to your son like that .. I'd be fuming .
Leave visiting them if they are on a short fuse go and do something fun with kids instead x

I am not sure this would be a good idea....I mean good idea to adress this with the father but think the kids might find it scary to be present if things explode.....in anycase making them go back there maybe not great?

Nasty people seem to get nastier as they get older

This post makes me sad. I hope he apologies x

This makes me so sad for your son. Please make sure he knows it’s not his fault. This type of incident can really stick in a child’s mind and shape his future confidence, particularly if he’s singled out over the other grandkids, so he needs to know in no uncertain terms that he’s not a bad kid and the issue is his grandpa.

If anyone has called my son a "fucking idiot" they would not be seeing me again. My dad was a terrifying prick. He died when my kids were 2 and 4. The only thing my DD remembers about him was him losing his shit in a restaurant. My DS doesn't remember him at all thank god. Your dad won't change. I'd not subject my kids to this anymore.

Also, if you do decide not to visit your dad anymore, please also ensure your son knows that isn’t his fault either.

You all need to stand up to him especially your poor mum. He is a bully and shes probably scared of him. Dont fret about xmas, do your own thing, give your sister any presents to pass on. Your mum n dad know where you are if they want to see you, however I would make some ground rules first.

I would not take him back there. Suck up the awkward, grieve the family relationship you wanted, invite your mum into your life if you want, but do not take your child near that man again. Some adults don’t deserve children and you have to side with your son. I’m sure you have, but be really clear with your child this is not them and that some adults have problems and behave really badly, that you’re sorry he had to see that. Horrible behaviour.

It’s a toxic environment for your son .
You can’t go back and shouldn’t. .
Tell your mum she is welcome but your dad isn’t and you will be home for Xmas.

How is Xmas ruined ? It’s a blood blessing not having to spend a day with that man .
Your poor son can’t do anything about it but you can protect him.

I wouldn't take either of your children round there again. Let your Mum visit you if she wants. She sounds like she daren't challenge him.

He's a fucking crank I'd just keep your kids well away in future. Don't worry though they won't be traumatised by this one off occasion. I had plenty of relatives like this growing up i know the type.

Your mums a grown women and is making a choice not to say anything .
Worrying though as his treatment of your mum probably isn't much better no one should put up with being spoken to horribly it's wrong.
He needs someone to tell him straight !!

Have a lovely Christmas in your own home OP 🎄.

Whatever your dad's issues are - and there are many possible explanations - are his issues and he's an adult capable of addressing them should he choose to. Your son will be fine, provided you don't keep taking him there without this being rectified first.

How is your mum? Does your dad vent his short temper on her too? PP who've said she should have said something - well, my dad can be quite rude/abrupt (though not with my kids) and my mum just tolerates it, because she doesn't know what else to do. In my case I think the cause is the early stage of some cognitive decline, but because he won't hear of it, we can't go to the doctor to discuss an assessment or anything like that. It's tough, but the one thing you can do is keep your son away from an unpleasant situation.

Enjoy Christmas without him (and your mum if she won't stand up for the grandchildren).

Fuck that guy.

Also could have written this. My DS has ADHD like some other posters. The last time we spent time alone with my Dad he asked me when we were going to medicate my son. He asked in front of my son, who was 5 at the time. He even said “he’s not normal, is he?”.

That ended any alone time with him. We still see him at family gatherings but I’ll be honest the unkind comments continue from blaming my parenting for his behaviour, to telling my son he is loud and annoying.

I know I should cut contact altogether but I don’t see why we should miss every occasion because of him. It’s a difficult balance.

FWIW my Dad never asked to see us more 🤣 I think he was relieved when we stopped visiting.