Shocked at the way my dad's just treated my son.

[Itwentwrongagain4]

Sorry I wrote another post about being ghosted and now something totally separate has happened.

My sons almost 7. Very energetic. On the go. Full of questions and needs alot of stimulation and patience. He can be annoying. He can get moody. But he is also a lovely Child.
My parents have always been very short fused with the kids. My first child was shy and got a hard time about that. I felt constantly attacked when I went around. So I massively cut back visiting.
Whenever I take both children there which is incredibly rare it's a nightmare. They are bored. There's not much to do. My dad doesn't like noise or energetic play. Playing hide and seek or running about in general annoys him. Crumbs annoy him. They never play with the kids. Their effort is small and sometimes my dad will give them an ice cream or have a little more patience.

Today we went out with my sister and niece. Picked up some nibbles and arranged to go to see My parents at lunch time ish. We got there at 1.30. My son started getting nervous as My dad had shouted at him last time for snatching the remote of his sister and it dropped onto the carpet. He did this worrying his sister was going to put something scary on. So he was worried. He hid behind me and went all shy. Wouldn't speak. My dad said the following

"I get sick of him. He's a fucking idiot. Never met a child like it"

He then stormed into the other room where he stayed. My daughter went to the toilet and twice my son walked to the hallway to talk to her. My dad went into the hall and said

"Get in there and bluddy shut up"

At this stage I stood up and said I am actually going to leave now mum and I won't be bringing him back again. We left. My son asked me why my dad hates him with tears in his eyes and said various stuff that showed me he is really upset.

I am upset. My dad hates my little boy.

What would you honestly do. Christmas is coming up and now it's all ruined. I can't go see them.

You are doing the right thing by not continuing to expose your son to that kind of abuse.
He's going to need a lot of reassurance and positive reinforcement from you, because children can easily blame themselves for a breakdown of the family dynamic.
I would speak to both of the children and explain that their Grandfather's behaviour was completely unacceptable and that nothing your DS did would have justified it.

Why is Christmas ruined? You'll be spending it with people who like your kids

I’m sorry OP. That’s such a horrible thing to happen. I would never see or speak to my dad again if it was me. Your boy needs to know now more than ever how much you love him and how wrong his grandad is. I also think your son’s Christmas will be vastly better if he doesn’t have to see him. Best present of all in my opinion

Your ds was already nervous when you got there because your father had shouted at him before. I wouldn’t be taking him back or seeing them over Christmas. I’m in a similar situation with my step father, he’s horrible to one of my kids and not that nice to me either, so we stopped going over, I speak to mum twice a week on the phone and occasionally she comes here but I don’t take my kids over there. Mum hasn’t even bothered to ask why I don’t go over.

I stood up and said I am actually going to leave now mum and I won't be bringing him back again. We left

WELL DONE. There are so many posts on MN where parents won’t stand up to people like him. You did the right thing. Don’t worry about Christmas, do what’s best for you and your kids, you’re not obliged to go along with some happy families charade.

Just keep yourself and your children away from them. If your father mistreats your son, he doesn’t deserve contact with your daughter. And neither does your mum, because her silence is enabling him.

This is an easy one. Chrismas in my own home, dad never sees my children again or me. Mum makes a choice.

Oh she knows. She just won’t face up to it.

Sorry you have such a horrible father. You have definitely made the right decision to keep your DS away from him. Hope your DS forgets all these unpleasant comments.

I wouldn't bring my children to where they would be treated like that. And I would tear strips off any adults who spoke to my children like that. And it would be the final time they saw me or my children.

Exactly this. I often feel sad that I’m missing out on time with my mum but she knows why, I see the look on her face when he says horrible things to me and my dc but she’s scared to stand up to him.

I'm sorry your parents have let you down.
Your dad is a horrible bully, there is just no way to excuse that behaviour. Well done you for leaving, your son will see that you prioritise his well-being.

Keep away from them. Make new plans.

Honestly?
I'd never take my children to visit him again.

I don't understand your confusion.

Your father is an ugly nasty vicious pig that made your poor child cry.

Your son will NEVER forget this and how he was made to feel.

Why are you confused.

I would NEVER visit that house again.
He would NEVER see me or my children again.
He would NEVER set foot in my home again.

There should be zero confusion.
Put your poor son first.
It's not difficult to do the right thing by your child.

My grandfather was a Victorian, very old by the standards of the time when I was small and had a serious heart condition. He was lovely with us and so patient. I remember him shouting only once (when my little brother had actually done something quite dangerous, having been told not to) and he immediately apologised, with tears in his eyes.

Those are my memories of him. Your sons of his grandfather will be of a shouting, swearing man who makes him nervous and he thinks hates him. It is better to have no memories than that. You did the right thing in going and I wouldn't be letting your father near him, certainly over Christmas and then at any other time unless he is capable of reflecting on his actions and sincerely apologising to your son.

Christmas isn’t ruined. You have a lovely Christmas in your own home. Your son was never going to enjoy Christmas with the grandparents.

i have some difficult family. Some of them, I carefully monitor DD’s relationship with them and speak up clearly if they step out of line. One of them, dd has never met because the person is just too toxic. For that person, I’m not the only parent in the family that has made the difficult choice to keep our children away.

I'm coming in from another angle.

I think you handled that perfectly. You said and did the exact right thing in the situation in my view

My child is ADHD so there have been moments where I and others around, especially if short fused,can come out with some very strong unpleasant emotions and words. I've really unkindly snapped and shouted not so nice things at the overwhelm I have felt. Not calling an idiot - that's just really low and I do wonder if there's something more going on with your dad.

The constant noise and jumping around when I'm feeling unwell( health challenges) has brought me to being less empathetic.

Some people have very low capacity for ' spirited' kids. I think the older generation struggle alot more than we do.

The thing is, your dad must apologize and accept that what he said was really cruel and completely unacceptable. Saying I need a break - ok that I'm sure you can accept even if a bit hurtful,but what he said, no, not ok.

I am guessing he won't apologise. I am thinking your mum won't challenge him either. That makes it all really difficult and an environment you can't be in. Or your son.

I wouldn't go there for Christmas. I'd keep well away. I'd be hoping for something from your mum here in all this. Some backing you up and directly challenging your dad.

Wow I'm sorry if your children have been treated like this. He will never know what a great child he is. He won't ever see him enough to know him properly. So it's his loss.

And that’s a choice she’s made. It’s sad but the responsibility is hers.

I was managing it really. My daughters almost 10 and my niece is 12. Both sensitive girls. I felt like i didn't want them to see anymore if that makes sense. As all 3 children won't forget today as it is. But yeah I get you x

My FIL has called nephew stupid and treated him poorly. 10 years later, no dementia.

Sometimes people are just horrible.

At this stage I stood up and said I am actually going to leave now mum and I won't be bringing him back again. We left.

OP you were a great mum here. Carry on the good work.

He's always been abit of a grumpy sod with kids and chaos. I'm not sure whether it's got worse. I feel like he's always got easily wound up with both my children to be honest.

This. 100 per cent.
Don't put your poor son through this again.
Your Dad doesn't deserve your visits.
Your dad is the one who should be feeling guilty not you.
See your mum separately. Even though she didn't say anything, both she and your sister agreed your Dad's behaviour was unacceptable - so you are not over reacting.
Let your son know you will protect him.

Imo Christmas is far from ruined. Your lovely dc get to stay home and not be around a grumpy twat.

He'd be no contact before the front door shut behind me, if he was my dad.
That's shitty, mean behaviour that can have a lasting effect on a child. 😡

It's simple, he doesn't like or enjoy children - that's fine.
He doesn't visit you at your home as it's likely the children will be there, and you don't take the children to visit him - ever.

If you wish to see your father you do it by yourself - maybe when the children are at school.
If you don't wish to see your father, then don't.

As for Christmas, were you supposed to be going there on the day ?
well obiv you are not now and that's fine too,

your children will enjoy being in their own home so much more anyway.