Gf can’t get over comment

[Kb1088]

Hi all, Im after some advice please. A few months ago l I was away with my current GF. I was speaking with my ex via text about our girls and she was feeling exhausted and overwhelmed as she is on her own. I reassured her and said that she the best mum I could ask for to my girls. This comment has since caused a lot of unrest in my current relationship and my current gf doesn’t see a way past it, meaning we can’t continue. She is dealing with a recent passing of a family member, but she has mentioned that she is struggling to get past it before. I love this girl so much, what can I do?

Ok, so you've known this woman eight months and two months earlier you took her on holiday.

How long have you been separated from the mother of your children, she sounds knackered coping alone whilst you whisk your girlfriend of six months off.
To pacify said ex you throw her some platitudes about being a great mother and your current girlfriend has the ordacity to be offended by that, surely as a mother herself she can empathise with a woman whose partner has abandonned his children.

Should you not be taking your own children away so your ex can have a break.

You sound infatuated with this new girlfriend, so infatuated that you are prepared to move away from your own offspring.

Nothing about this post is nice, the only person you care about not offending is your new girlfriend.

There is a lot of assumptions being made here and it feels like you’ve taken some of the situation personally.

“Whisk your girlfriend of 6 months off”? He said they were away, you’ve managed to turn this into 2 weeks in the Maldives.
“You took her on holiday” again an assumption that the GF hasn’t paid for anything herself.

Not sure why you’ve assumed the OP has abandoned his children. It is very possible for a man to remain an active father in his children’s lives and not be with their mother.
You’ve called them platitudes but I think the OP has come across as very genuine about the mother of his children.

He’s so infatuated that he’s taking some time to consider whether he wants to be with her still.

Clearly something has struck a chord but I think you’re projecting some of your own feelings to this situation.

There have been quite a few jealous insecure posts recently. I wouldn't move in with this woman. Your first and only priority is your children. Let that stabilise and keep dating long-distance. I'd conduct due diligence on a new partner to test for compatibility.
This one sounds a bit controlling and needy. You're going from the frying pan into the fire...

Comment is fine. Did you then add she's also a great mum to her child? That could be why she's upset. She took it that ex is better mother than she is.

I couldn't be doing with someone who took everything so personally. Please don't move in with her - what's the rush? Wait and see.

It's actually quite manipulative for her to keep banging on about how she can't get past a comment. If she can't get past it, she needs to end it (I'd be doing it for her if I were you). But what she is doing is training you to be careful of what you say around her, and to second-guess your interactions with your ex - and that can affect your children.

If you get on well with the mother of your children, she should be doing all she can to support that, not undermine it. A decent partner will do that, so I'd seriously be considering whether you want to continue with this one.

My ex-H's wife is a wonderful woman and we are good friends outside of our relationships with him. That's something to aim for, for the sake of your children.

Be interesting to know what your mutual friends (with your ex) think of your GF.

Definitely wouldn’t be offended by this.

My stepson’s mum is the best mother to him, because she’s his mother and always will be. My partner does say that she’s an excellent mother to their son, because she is.

That’s not a slight on me in any way, it’s a fact. I’m not sure why I’d ever enter into a pointless game of top trumps or be jealous that she gave birth to the kid, I want his mum to be a good mum, surely.

Yes, I have said that she is an incredible mum and also the best mum to her child

She sounds petty and jealous. Maybe she worries that you still have feelings for your ex. That was a really nice thing to say, maybe in future you will need to hide your conversations with others from her. But really that's not good either as it's important to be open in a relationship. She should be glad that you are a good person and not toxic.

Sounds as though she's looking for problems, why would that be? Perhaps she's someone who can't let go of a perceived slight, even when obviously unintended. Many of us know someone like this, they can be tricky, they have you walking on eggshells. It's early days OP, you are still getting to know her.

Focus on this: this tells you that she agrees with you and other posters here - if you co-parent with someone it’s best if you have confidence in the other parent. So this feeling she has about what you said doesn’t have any relationship to what she rationally believes.

What does she say about why she’s comfortable saying her ex is a great dad but not with what you said?

It’s more to do with how I worded it to my ex that is the issue

Wait, what? I'm not the actual girlfriend 😂😂😂

Throw this one back, OP. If, after such a short period of time, she’s prepared to press the nuclear button based on one comment, can you imagine how much worse things could get after a year or two - or, god forbid, if you actually had a child with her? It’d be an endless competition in her head between her kids and your existing children. You’re already prepared to move 2 hours from your kids on the basis of this very new relationship. How much less of a priority will they become once you’re in her house and she’s in your ear?

Successfully blending families and relationships takes a high degree of emotional maturity; a willingness to compromise and cooperate, and for all the adults involved to make choices on the basis of what’s best for the children. Jealousy and insecurity are extremely destructive emotions, and I can’t imagine any scenario in which making this woman a permanent part of your lives would result in a good outcome for your children.

I'm the ex in this situation including my ex just moving 2 hours away to be with his new gf. I find the level of checking in he does excessive, drives me up the wall- if he cares so much spend more time with your child, pay the correct amount of maintenance etc. Instead he makes flamboyant gestures which mean fuck all.

Thank you everyone for your comments, it’s really appreciated that you have taken the time out of your day to comment and help. Even the comments that don’t agree with me, I appreciate them too. I am going to have a conversation with her going forward and to see if we can resolve this and if we can’t, at least I can move on with my life. It doesn’t look promising as I’ve asked her about why the comment has driven her to this point and she replied with ‘what comment? 😫

I would be happy if I ever heard my DP saying that to his ex, but a custody battle is starting.

I think that often on the deep level people can be a bit sad that they don't have that original family and relationship with someone who is also mother/father of their children. All partnerships after that are kind of build on top of that grief to some extent.
It can trigger some hidden emotions and regrets which can be difficult to deal with and even more difficult to understand or communicate.
Your comment could be read in more then one way so hard to say whether she took if as it was intended. It seems not if she got so upset.
Also we're so used to the idea that people break up only because of awful reasons and that they have to hate each other. I think ex's still appreciating each other and being on good terms make some people insecure unfortunately.