When do you just know its wrong?

[LostInMyLife]

So I am in a tricky situation with DH. For months he has hardly been near me physically, we have been intimate about every 6 weeks, I have lost weight, my low self esteem thought it was how I looked and I have been trying to initiate us being intimate but it never happens, he does struggle with his mental health or he has the classic "headache" everytime. The low self esteem has completely gone altho the weigh loss has given me a little more confidence in myself and I feel better in myself despite how I feel within the relationship.

Anyway over the weekend I stood near DH and he had a long text message on his phone and he turned it away from me, I think that was the final straw and everything clicked. Now this sounds silly but last night I woke up as he turned over and he actually put his arm by me and moved away, I realised he has tucked his blanket so he was actively not touching me. I shot up and woke up, and I can't speak with him, in my head there must be someone else otherwise why would he check out all day. I have been to work then took dd out, got back and had a long bath I haven't actually spoken to him today, I can't face it but moreover he hasn't spoken with me either. Now if he acted like that out of nowhere I would be checking in to see how he is...clearly he doesn't care anymore. I am heart broken, weve been together nearly 20 years and were nearly 40, weve never been like this. But now looking back I can see it's been like this for months and I am so scared. I don't care if he leaves but I care about dd, and how it will impact her. She is closer to her dad than me, it breaks my heart but I work full time and support the household, he is just around more. I don't know what to do.
Am I being stupid? I just feel lost.

I also don't want to look for evidence because frankly it's not about someone else, although that would be a deal breaker but how I feel now it enough for me. What do I do?

Oh and yes I am working on boundaries. That's what i think about in the time I have on my own, what do I think is acceptable? And i am working on enforcing it into my life.

You are some woman.
What a journey.

I want to very kindly suggest you look at Coercive control, which is a crime now.

I think you have been controlled, manipulated and financially abused by him.

I think it is very importand that you do your research on this and include it in your application to retain your home.

The boiled frog analogy applies to you.
He worked little.
You can prove he forced you to pay for everything with all bills in your name.

He isolated you from family and friends.
You didn't feel you could leave the house without him being upset.

He is a true house terrorist and you have been abused for many many years.

I think the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk would be an excellent opportunity for you to grow and learn.

Thank god he is gone but it will help you to learn about the abuse you have suffered.

Your achievement is huge.
You should be so proud.
Do NOTHING for him going forward.

Keep a note of his lies and letting your daughter down.
For divorce purposes i think having a note of his long term Coercive control and financial abuse of you would be a good thing.
You are a great woman and mother.

Thank you @Creameded due to my job I am unfortunately aware of coercive control but I am also ashamed I didn't see it in my own relationship. Sometimes it's easier seeing things from the outside, since the middleish of December when I started using my "work head" that's when I have changed a lot, stepped back and started to take control of myself and my life.

It was definitely a slow process, even those around me didn't realise but thats how it works isn't it with isolation.
I will be using this as an argument if the council do want to take back my home, because as I said yesterday (and I hate using it) but I am a victim of his abuse. Or I was a victim. And whilst I am still dealing with those feelings and working through it I am not longer sharing a home, a bed, a life with him so the distance is being created, step by step.

Thank you for the website, I will be looking at it over the weekend

I also feel like on here I am being more honest with myself, and it helps to have this timeline too refer to should I need it.

Good woman.
The more you educate yourself, re- familiarise yourself with the legislation of the crime of Coercive control, the better.

Speaking to Women's aid.
Start jounaling exactly how life was.
Do it now while its fresh and keep going back to it and adding things.
It will make putting together a cogent argument easier.

Contact Women's and get their advice and support.
Also you will be able to add to your application that you are being supported by Domestic Abuse charities.

You definitely have been abused and the more you shout about this, financial abuse, coercive control, the better.

Lay out all the money issues.
What he insisted you pay for, and what he did.

Use figures to illustrate and lay bare what you have endured.

This is a very bad man.
A year from now you will fully realise how much abuse was in your marriage.

Educate yourself now and use the "boiled frog analogy" as how you got to this place.

You owe him nothing.
Remember that.
Don't let protecting him, stop you from keeping your home.

Thank you @Creameded he did not "force" me to pay anything, it was gradual and even now I don't actually feel like he forced me to pay for the bills, I do however feel used. Not because he owes me anything but rather because he just up and left after everything I gave him.

I am also trying to heal, that is my focus for now. I don't want to drag everything up over and over again and getting the police involved, I don't think that will help me healing for now, maybe going forward but for now it's just me and dd, that's my focus. He can do him, I can do me and dd.

@LostInMyLife I got chills down my spine reading this update, made me grin from ear to ear to hear how empowered you are sounding. I have been following your thread from the beginning and it’s just wonderful and inspiring to see how far you have come in just a few months 🥰

You should accept no blame at all in upsetting DD in this situation. It’s not upsetting that your Mum is struggling to find where you Dad is parked, the only upsetting bit was seeing her Dad get angry and agitated about it. Had he behaved like a normal person she wouldn’t have experienced any upset. I think that over the years he has trained you to be the fall guy for all of his own shortcomings….. you are so used to accepting blame for things that are not your fault, in order to appease him. You need to retrain yourself to realise that you cannot control his behaviour and neither are you to blame for his behaviour and reactions.

You reacted amazingly - didn’t rise to his aggression or agitation and calmly told him that you will no longer be treated like his emotional punch bag and blamed whenever he is being a twat. Keep doing this. No emotional reactions to anything he says or does, always be the calm but assertive one.

Your daughter is old enough to understand that Dad was angry and frustrated over something very trivial……. she was picked up by you and everything became calm, there was fun and laughter. Keep being her safety net (as you have always done) and she will repeatedly see who in her life is her rock and who provides safety, love and calm for her.

Your STBXH has everything that’s coming to him - I’m sure DD already has the measure of him….. and as she gets older it will become even clearer to her without you ever saying a word.

You are just awesome 🤩 In a few months time I think you won’t recognise yourself, even if it’s not a linear path to get there. Well done for finding your boundaries and enforcing them - he must be shocked.
I can see you’re doing everything to put your daughter first and support a relationship with her Dad - I’d be careful to not run around too much for him to facilitate this though. Especially as it’s early days and it will become habit and harder to break. Next time he has no petrol I’d suggest he get a cab / bus etc. for example.
Keep going 💛

I wish I had a mother like you

@Hollietree thank you so much. I am trying to be strong, just spending my time working on myself and what I know I am worth. I know it is a long healing process but definitely having those conversations with myself in my head are helping. Even before I met H I have never felt quite like this. I feel like I have strength within me, and that it is ok to have expectations of how I am treated by others.

I agree, I have spent years treading on eggshells to appease him, to make things easier in my life when actually all I was doing was making things easier for him whilst dragging myself down further.

The joke of it though, he has sent his apologies through dd to me for his behaviour yesterday, whilst I don't care it makes me feel better he has said sorry to dd and acknowledged it. But i am aware it won't be the last time and dd will hear this many times and then she will realise.
I will continue to maintain my expectations and boundaries, if he can't respect them he simply doesn't have to talk to me, because I will be reiterating my expectations should he act like this or in any way I do not expect to be treated.

@BiggySwish I certainly won't be facilitating things like this again, part of the new me is, I will help until you disrespect me then I will walk away and stop. I certainly think he is shocked by the way I reacted, I mean i was shocked! The second hand apology has threw me a bit, that's my second one in 2 weeks, I have actually received 2 others in nearly 20 years, he never said sorry or acknowledged anything he may have done wrong, I just "moved on" or so I thought for the sake of a peaceful life, whereas now my life is peaceful because he is not here so it makes no difference to me, I won't argue or rise to anything but I will be firm in my expectations of how I am treated and how dd is treated. Feeling fearless and powerful over here.

@Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk thank you. Your words have made me tear up. I am not the greatest mother in the world, no one is but dd will never be loved more, she is my world and all I want her to be is stronger than I have been, happier than I have been and to live here life however she wants and I have realised it is my responsibility to show her those things through me and my actions not just tell her, she needs to see it. I will always be her safe space, the consistent parent, if he wants to step up and she has 2 that's better for dd but if not she will always have me, that will never change.

Glad to hear you and your daughter are getting into a proper new routine - kind of think it’s important for both of you. And also having routine times for her to see and stay with him, will be good for her and also cut down on his opportunities to mess you both around, paint himself as the victim and you as the baddie.
Have you agreed what child maintenance support he’s giving yet? Best to get all the practical shit dealt with early on so everyone can get used to the new normal.
And I’ll make a suggestion you might well say you can’t do- if you haven’t got one planned already, book some sort of holiday for the 2 of you. Doesn’t need to be long or expensive- but it’s something positive to look forward to 😁

Thank you @Bittenonce me and dd are definitely getting into a routine. We had a lovely night with my sister yesterday, I took dd to a club today and then we've chilled and I have dinner cooking. It's nice and relaxed and dd can just do what she likes and I'm here for her. We are having a Movie night tonight. She stayed at hs on Friday I called her to ask her something and I asked what she was up to, she sounded sad and said "im just in my room reading" now she loves reading however if I only had her 1 night a week i would surely be making some effort, even if it was just a movie night, then it dawned on me, he is not like me and if he isn't making an effort 1 night a week that's on him because I am the other 6 nights. I'm not sure if or when he is seeing dd in the half term again it's lead by dd but we shall see. We do need to work out a plan going forward because atm i don't know if I am coming or going. I've been making plans and if dd is here she can come with me but I don't want it to seem like I'm making plans to keep her with me I just don't want to be twiddling my thumbs waiting for her to say she is going to her dad and us having nothing planned for when she is here. I hope that makes sense

I have also thought about a break just for me and dd. I have some ideas and tbh i might book a couple of little breaks but the early summer one just us 2 one with the dogs too but that will be looked at when I get paid and the bills go out and I see what I actually have left.
He's not said a word about maintenance and tbh I haven't either. He doesn't work much so it wouldn't be much, I also wanted to get my house sorted before I start rocking boats because that will, he hated giving me money for the house he lived in (despite it being so little he gave) he won't be happy paying for his daughter when she's not living with him. I'm playing the waiting game and taking things step by step.

@LostInMyLife I’m getting the distinct impression that you’ve got your head firmly screwed on 😁👍

@Bittenonce you made me actually laugh out loud! I'm not sure if my head is firmly screwed on, over the past few months it's felt like it could drop off or explode! So now I am taking back control over my life and the fog has lifted and I am trying to look a few steps in front to plan my route.

@LostInMyLife If I managed to give you a smile then I'm smiling too 😁
Think I said before - last months were the waiting room, the journey has only just started now. But seems like you're steering in the right direction, unreliable erratic satnav here if you need it!

@Bittenonce always happy for your direction it certainly isn't unreliable you've been here since the start cheering me on and giving me guidance!

The past couple of days have been lovely, just time with me and dd, she had a friend over yesterday but went out in the day with her so I went to lunch with some friends. H still not seen her since Saturday...his loss. She is staying at his parents for the night so I am on my own, not sure yet what to do, whether to stay in or see if any of my friends are around for a coffee for an hour, I shall see later how I am feeling. On the whole I feel so much better in myself I needed the time with dd and she has too. We've just been making the most of our time together which is lovely. I've got some jobs in the house I want to make a start on so I think that will be my plan for the next few hours just to keep me busy whilst dd is with her friend. It may not all be rock and roll over her but I am keeping rolling and moving forward.

@LostInMyLife of course - nearly forgot it’s half term. At least the sun is shining today, so I can get out with the dogs and cycle before my evening babysitting duties!

Well i was happy until I saw MIL when taking dd to hers, she forgets I didn't ask for her to have dd she asked dd to go and I do the running about as her layabout son doesn't do anything...anyway had some digs, she told me I was older than I was (stupid I know) but she started to get angry and argumentative when I told her my actual age...she tried to argue with me about how old I was. Again used the work voice and again she is lucky dd was there she backed down then made comments about how much weight I had lost (it annoyed me because it's the heart break diet her precious son put me on) anyway dd just ignored her and told me how lovely I look, it melted my heart and shut her up in one quick move. Still annoyed me though, I know where H gets it from. Cruel and horrible like his mother, I'm just glad dd is like her mother and not them.

Anyway sorted some of the last bits of his stuff out today, he weirdly texted me after dd was gone asking if he could come to mine and take the dog out, strange. He was in and out I think he wanted to make conversation but as we had nothing about dd to talk about i didn't try. It was weird though, he reluctantly took the things he said he had no room but he would squeeze it in, if he hadn't it was going in the bin my house is not a storage place for him just like my body or age are not a discussion point for his mum....see boundaries because the past 20 years I would never have put those in place. I am getting there and more importantly they aren't getting to me or getting me down, I know I am strong enough to keep enforcing my boundaries.

You are so impressive. Seriously. And it’s wonderful that your dd stood up for you, she’s obviously seeing where her stability and home really are.

You are amazing.
Can you avoid his mother and remain parked outside?
You could say to your daughter that unfortunately Granny is unable to speak nicely when I'm dropping you, so best I don't go in?
Has she a phone that you could text her you are outside.
Don't put yourself through it.
You are doing so well.

Every time your MIL is awful, or her Dad can’t be arsed to see her and you’re there for your DD being the strong, capable and caring support in her life she will begin to understand more and more how safe and loved she is, and what a brilliant role model she has in you. Whilst of course you don’t want to distance your DD from her gran, it’s absolutely fair that you distance yourself from her so you’re not having to face her nastiness and it stops your dd feeling she’s stuck in the middle.
Sounds like your exh is trying to avoid her / his parental responsibilities - coming to yours when she’s out, missing his weekends. Unsurprising I suppose but sad for your DD - although before long she’ll also begin to see him for what he is.

Thank you all.
@Uol2022 I know i was taken aback by dd sticking up for me, but I'm hurt she was put in that position as it is. She isn't the nicest person, I didn't see it until the last few months but H is the spitting image of her with her behaviour, only H is better at hiding it.
@Creameded I won't be going into that house again unless my ex fil is there, he is lovely and so nice. Dd has a phone and it will be curbside collections from now on.
@BiggySwish all I am trying to do is what i have done all her life and be there for her, only now it's more apparent that I really am the only one. I'm not sure if H is avoiding her I think its a subconscious thing, "out of sight out of mind" and he doesn't even notice. He does text her a few times throughout the day but beyond that nothing. He definitely isn't living up to his responsibilities but I know i am more than capable of being both parents, given I have done it before when he was under the same roof. Honestly I hate her more than him, she's cruel and just nasty whereas he is just lazy and unless.

It’s a shame - but true - that it often takes a crisis for people to show their true colours. Probably there will be more to come out of the woodwork, it’s always upsetting or disappointing: But think you’ve got it covered, and now you’ll always know who you can or cannot rely on.

You've got the measure of both these inadequate people OP and are doing a great job - stay strong your better than them & sound like you have a considerate kind daughter. Btw he probably phoned to come over when daughter wasn't there to see if you were going out with another man (bet he's the type whose ego couldn't take that).

Been a nice couple of days here. Dd was going to stay at Hs today but was really indecisive about it, like she couldn't decide if she wanted to go or not. I reassured her it was fine either way and she can stay wherever she wants, she ended up staying at home with me but she was quiet until she made her final decision then she was fine. My mum commented earlier, "she doesn't want to stay with him does she?" (Dd wasnt around us she had gone to the car) and i agree, it was over her face she didn't want to talk about it. I am not sure what to think, I have been concerned she has been pulling away from her dad moreso since the incident last week when he shouted at me when he had dd. Not sure what to think I am just trying to stay level headed and keep reassuring dd that I am here for her.

We've spent the past 2 days laughing and joking, we've popped to see family and also had some quality time together, its been lovely. We shall see what the rest of the weekend has in store for us.