Don't know where to start

[CrazyHormoneLady]

I've started several threads the last couple of weeks but can't really find the words to describe what's going on.

I'm feeling increasingly stuck in my relationship. We've been together 11 years, have a 3 year old and own our own property. Not married.

My partner has a drinking issue that keeps rearing its head; the drinking completely changes his personality and I mostly find him incredibly irritating when he drinks. He's also not good with money and in spite of having a joint account and trying to pay equally into there (similar salaries), I have ended up paying a lot more (looking back I have paid £20k more into our joint account in the last 5 years than he has) thanks to various episodes of unemployment and sickness (e.g. he has just gone back to work since pulling his shoulder out in August - something that could have been fixed long ago if he'd have called the consultant and arranged an injection after being told to do that - instead he dragged his feet on it until eventually it got sorted).

We've been trying to rekindle things in the bedroom, but the last time we had sex he was drunk and he was a bit rough with me, then afterwards told me I was a "great fuck" which made me feel absolutely disgusting. He's since told me it was just a joke that landed badly.

He had been telling me his drinking was getting worse because he felt like I wasn't loving enough, so I spent hundreds of pounds and tens of hours of counselling across 2023 and 2024 to try and find a way of rekindling my feelings towards him after he got completely drunk at my step-sister's wedding and disappeared to go to a bar whilst I was putting our then-1 year old to bed. That night I told him he needed to stop drinking or I would leave him and he laughed at me! But was very apologetic once he'd sobered up.

I managed to start feeling warmer and more loving towards him again due to him stopping drinking for almost a year and things started looking up. However, literally the weekend after I told the counsellor that I thought I didn't need her anymore and that I finally had feelings for him again, he went to the pub after I'd gone to bed, came back, tried to watch porn and found it was blocked on his phone so woke me up at 2am to accuse me of blocking porn on his phone - I hadn't, it's the wifi provider - but he wouldn't believe me for about 2 hours of arguing. I went back to bed shattered, upset and broken, and that's when he actually realised it wasn't me that blocked porn. I have always said to him that as long as it's not cam girls he's watching, and I don't find out, then he could watch porn. Since finding out about trafficking and the effects of porn on young people, I have become very anti-porn. My partner says he watches porn because we're not having sex, we haven't spoken about me being anti-porn though.

There have been various incidents like this over the years, all related to drinking, two related to porn (I found he'd been trying to search live cams a year or two ago which we agreed years ago is a no-go for me as I feel it's cheating). Too many things to write about here, it would be a book!

His behaviour has ground me down, and I want to leave. I know when I do leave him, he'll tell me he'll stop drinking, and he might well do that. But I know it's only a matter of time before something else bad happens, and I've lost the will to fight for this relationship. I'm a wet blanket and I think I'm going to end up falling for his claim to stop drinking.

How do I leave?! I think I still love him, but I'm completely fed up and to be honest I don't think I can bring myself to have sex with him ever again. Do I find somewhere new to live first? How do I manage all this with a 3 year old?! How do I get through Christmas?! Do I just take it steady and find another therapist to talk me through everything?

Sorry for the long post, I just need to get this out of my system. All this has been weighing on my mind and I'm behind at work with millions of deadlines looming - it's making me feel ill and tired and disconnected from life. My poor daughter has had a shell of mummy looking after her over this weekend, I've found it so hard to be present with her.

I will check back later - thanks everyone!

I can’t answer the logistics bits about how / when - it would need so much detail about your house, mortgage, cash position etc: Please try to speak with Women’s Aid and / or a solicitor. And do it soon, so you can prepare yourself.
You talk about loving him still - but you have lost respect, trust, desire. For me, you need these to build and keep love. Care, affection, pity - are probably what you’re really feeling?
My experience was of despair- having lost respect and desire after seeing that nothing I could do would ever address the drinking. You’ve got to accept that you can’t stop this either, and that the longer you stay, the more you’ll pay and the less you’ll care. Sorry if I sound bleak, but drink problems aren’t easy to fix.

You've hit it on the head, care, affection and pity are the things keeping me here, along with fear of the unknown regarding logistics of childcare. I was going to al-anon meetings but haven't been able to since he's been off work (I was going to zoom ones), they were tremendously helpful. I need to go back to those!

We joint own our house with no mortgage (although this is thanks to a big windfall from my uncle which allowed us to pay off our mortgage), we're not married, his name is on the property though so I think this would be a 50-50 split even though I've contributed much more to the property (he has done a lot of building work and maintenance on it though, so I don't mind the 50-50 split and to be honest I'd be happier knowing I wasn't leaving him destitute).

I didn't know I could speak to Women's Aid unless I was in a dangerous situation? I'll try to speak to them soon when he's not around.

The first thing you do is separate your bank accounts. Don’t put anything in the joint account. Pay your half out of your own account and make him pay his half and give you a receipt to show he’s paid.

Speak to a lawyer about splitting the house. Do you own it outright? Do you still own money on the mortgage? How much? Can you prove what you’ve paid in? How much will you be due if you sell it? Could you buy him out?

Start saving as much as you can whilst you focus on your deadlines for work and being a mum. Essentially, ignore his existence.

He’s an alcoholic. He’s abusive when he drinks. He watches porn that you don’t agree with. You don’t need to go to counselling to accept being treated like shit. You need to leave him.

Contact Al-Anon. They will be able to support you as you get prepared ti leave this poor excuse of a man.

Once you’re ready, start looking for a new house or if you can buy him out, do it. Being a single mum is hard but not as hard as being with an abusive alcoholic. And what kind of environment do you want your child to grow up in. One where dad comes home wasted and gives mum abuse for hours in the middle of the night because he can’t wank off to porn, or a stable calm house where people are respectful?

I’m sorry, OP. He’s ruled by alcohol. You’ve tried your best, but he won’t take any responsibility for himself. Does he have to drink and watch porn because you’re not loving enough? No.

Alcoholism causes psychological harm to family members, and the damage can pass down generations. Do you want to spend more years trying to protect DD from this?

The practicalities may seem baffling and insurmountable now, while you’re in the thick of it. Once you have made up your mind to move on, you’ll work things out.

Best of luck in whatever you decide to do.

First you have to acknowledge that this is him and he's not going to change. You can keep going back but he'll remain the same.

Alcoholism doesn't make a good atmosphere for children. It's quite damaging to bring a child up in a dysfunctional household.

Once you've accepted that nothing you do will change him, the next thing to do is work out where to live and your finances.

It wouldn't be a 50/50 split. You work out what % of the house you paid for and what % he paid for (through deposits/lump sums and any mortgage payments) - you can also estimate how much additional value his work has put in and split that value too. Then you see a mortgage provider and find out if you can get a mortgage to buy him out. Don't offer him 50/50.

Thanks everyone, your messages mean a lot. His drinking only happens when DD is in bed- not excusing it - but she doesn't see him drunk. But I don't want it around her full stop - it affects me and my happiness which she does see.

I don't think I could buy him out, and don't want a mortgage; I'd rather downsize and have some money in savings to spare. This property is really high maintenance too, hence him having done loads to keep it going and also the building work. I wouldn't be able to manage it all on my own, even with outsourcing building work.

I'm hoping to leave in January so we can get Christmas out of the way first - so should I find somewhere to live (I have lots of savings thanks to aforementioned wealthy uncle's windfall) before I break the news to him?

If you trust him not to ruin the house or sabotage a sale then by all means move out if you can afford it. But if he doesn't want to move out or sell then he can make it very difficult for you to do so. I would offer to pay the first month's rent on a rental for him if I were you and could afford it. Keep DD in her home and you oversee the sale.

I think he might block the sale thinking he could save our relationship somehow. Last time I tried to break up with him (this has only happened once before), he was saying "But it's not ready to be sold!" not that it persuaded me, but he persuaded me things would get better and they haven't.

To be completely transparent here (was worrying about all of this being outing, but here goes!), we live on a boat and need to move every two weeks. It's a big boat that has a lot of general maintenance needs and I don't know how I would manage on my own, although I think I could request an overstay for a bit whilst the dust settled. I've been looking at much smaller boats that I can afford outright with no mortgage and there are some I could literally go and buy tomorrow that would suit my daughter and I (I'd also take one of our dogs!). I also think he would get his own boat with the sale of this one, but could dig his heels in.

The benefit of the boating community is that there are lots of people who would back me up if needed to turf him off this boat. But it would be all me doing the sales as he's not really au fait with online sales of things. We also have a jointly owned storage container; I'd probably take most of my stuff to the tip and sell my motorbike that's in there, which is my only possession worth anything. I'd then get him to pay for the storage container.

I've sent my dad a message telling him I'm planning on leaving in January - and told a couple of friends to make it "real".

I feel kind of excited for a new start but have a whole pile of shit to wade through before getting there. Definitely going to get my own boat before telling him though, although how I do that, I don't know but I guess it starts with viewings!

I'm starting to feel really sad about this now, but I keep reminding myself of all the hurt over the last 11 years, especially over the last 3 since DD was born. And that for a long time I've thought to myself if he came home and said he was leaving, I would feel like I'd won the lottery. My main sadness is that I don't want to hurt him and I know he'll be devastated 😓 and anxiety about that difficult conversation when it comes around.

I've contacted my childminder to let her know the situation and she's agreed to have DD one Saturday in January or February, once I have a new boat sorted out, so that she can be out of the way when I break the news to him.

One of my fears is that he's going to turn up drunk to my new boat so I'm planning on not telling him where it is.

One question is, do I try and move lots of stuff into the new boat first? Like clothes and toiletries and food for the dog.

One step at a time!
First, find your new boat. I think that once you’ve got it and it’s ready to move into - a couple of mates and a van could get you sorted in a few hours, so there’s no rush. Get some legal advice about the current boat too - it’s at least 50% yours, but if you move out, what incentive does he have to sell and move?

Thanks @Bittenonce I think this state of limbo before I get the new boat is the difficult thing. I do think he'll dig his heels in about selling up to be honest. One option is that I break up with him, give him the money to get a new boat and then I sell this one and take the money I lend him for a new one back off the sale. However, I think that once I break the news to him, life will be very awkward and sad whilst we live together. And I run the risk of him drinking heavily whilst I'm still at home and that will likely turn ugly fast - I don't want our daughter around that, or the dogs!

@CrazyHormoneLady you’re right, it will be all of those things and more. Can you be away with friends / family for a couple of days after you tell him? Just give him space to vent and rage and drink without you being there, hopefully then he’ll have had a chance to digest it and be ready to have a sensible talk about the way forward

That's a good plan, I was wondering whether to take some time off work as well. My issue is that I'm getting nervous about the decision - not quite cold feet but I can feel the excuses in my mind creeping in. Things haven't been awful lately, just 'bad'. He is lovely a lot of the time and caring, and does stuff around the house, but I don't think it's worth the pain of when the drinking starts. There are lots of small irritating things that happen too - he vapes and leaves all the vaping paraphernalia lying around where our daughter could easily get hold of it if she wanted (thankfully she's never shown an interest!). He drives a bit like a boy racer sometimes and gets offended if I get scared - "Don't you trust me that I'm a good driver?!". I could list so many of these little things!

@CrazyHormoneLady -maybe you chose your name on here too accurately? 🤣 Seriously though - Do you need that time away just to give yourself space to think straight about this?
Having cold feet in this situation is natural: You need to be sure, and neither I nor anyone else on here can know what’s right for you like you can.
I’m biased, I know: My wife was alcoholic so drink issues are a huge red flag for me and my experience is that they can’t be fixed. I got to the stage I’d lost respect, desire, love - it sounded like you had also emotionally checked out. If you can’t see happiness coming back then you should go - but you won’t see this through unless you’re sure about it in yourself.

There were some people in the Al-Anon group I was attending that had a similar situation to me, with young kids and an alcoholic partner and they all left because it never went away, even if they went through periods where the drinking wasn't too bad. I'm going to try and attend tomorrow's meeting if I can, depends on whether DD gets to sleep on time..! Deep down I know it's right, I just don't like the thought of hurting his feelings 🙁 but then I remind myself that he's not been all that bothered about hurting mine over the years! Even when I've been completely devastated by his behaviour, which has happened a few times!

Just want to update so I've got a log of the shitty things that happen (especially as yesterday and today things have been good and I've been really worried about my decision).

On Saturday, my 3yo decided her feet hurt and she couldn't stand on them. I think she might have bruised them a bit sliding down a slide too quickly the day before. She also has a friend with a bone condition who has recently hurt her leg and has to crawl around, so I think it's her way of processing that. Anyway, my partner had drank 2 bottles of wine on Saturday afternoon and he didn't believe our daughter. He was going on at her about lying and trying to get her to stand up on her feet in multiple ways including bribery ("if you don't walk properly, you won't get your advent chocolate"), telling her that her being unable to walk was "upsetting mummy" and just flat out saying "You're lying, I don't believe you". I found it pretty awful and was cuddling her through most of this - I'm not allowed to disagree with him in front of her so I was just giving him daggers.

He's not often like this, although he can be brusque with her and had recently said to me "I think I know what being a dad is all about, laying down the law where mums are too soft" which to me is a bit of a red flag 😳

Yet I still feel bad for wanting to leave when things aren't the pits - kicking myself for not leaving when I had much more recent reasons to leave.

How is he affording to drink heavily whilst not working? I,'d empty the joint account seeing as its money you've put in there and tell him to go. You pay his rent for first three months?.

Cheap wine, sick pay and he's returned to work now. I was also questioning how he was affording it - he was certainly putting less in the joint account every month. When I brought it up I got apologies and "I won't do it again" but then nothing changed.

I would tell him to go, but this boat is too big for me to handle on my own and I'll need help selling it. I'm hoping to keep things fairly amicable so he is more compliant in the long run, and that we can keep things civil which will be easier when it comes to coparenting.

Any chance he might fall off the gang plank?

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen hahahaha if only! 😂

I've requested to view some boats, but that can't happen until 10th January as the marina is closed for Christmas 😞

I can't believe I'm still umming and ahhing about going... We are still quite affectionate with each other and when he's sober things are mostly fine.

Although when he came home from his night shift in the early hours I swear I could smell spirits on his breath, which he doesn't normally drink (after so many "incidents" following drinking whiskey that I requested he not touch the stuff). I think I'm in a codependent relationship though, but I've improved my self worth since having DD and that's probably why the relationship has been breaking down since then. I'm definitely a "fixer" with poor boundaries. Time for more therapy I think, at least definitely before I consider letting anyone new into my life.

Sorry for musing into the void here, it's quite cathartic and a good place to be reminded that this is the right decision. Thanks everyone for your support so far!

I think I’m much the same, whether it’s relationships, buying houses, whatever, I’m always ‘I can see the good side of this, how can I make it work’: What works for me is to have friends who don’t beat about the bush and just say ‘Don’t be an arse, you know it’s not right’ 😂

Why aren't you allowed to disagree with him in front of your daughter? Does that rule apply to him too?