I've started several threads the last couple of weeks but can't really find the words to describe what's going on.
I'm feeling increasingly stuck in my relationship. We've been together 11 years, have a 3 year old and own our own property. Not married.
My partner has a drinking issue that keeps rearing its head; the drinking completely changes his personality and I mostly find him incredibly irritating when he drinks. He's also not good with money and in spite of having a joint account and trying to pay equally into there (similar salaries), I have ended up paying a lot more (looking back I have paid £20k more into our joint account in the last 5 years than he has) thanks to various episodes of unemployment and sickness (e.g. he has just gone back to work since pulling his shoulder out in August - something that could have been fixed long ago if he'd have called the consultant and arranged an injection after being told to do that - instead he dragged his feet on it until eventually it got sorted).
We've been trying to rekindle things in the bedroom, but the last time we had sex he was drunk and he was a bit rough with me, then afterwards told me I was a "great fuck" which made me feel absolutely disgusting. He's since told me it was just a joke that landed badly.
He had been telling me his drinking was getting worse because he felt like I wasn't loving enough, so I spent hundreds of pounds and tens of hours of counselling across 2023 and 2024 to try and find a way of rekindling my feelings towards him after he got completely drunk at my step-sister's wedding and disappeared to go to a bar whilst I was putting our then-1 year old to bed. That night I told him he needed to stop drinking or I would leave him and he laughed at me! But was very apologetic once he'd sobered up.
I managed to start feeling warmer and more loving towards him again due to him stopping drinking for almost a year and things started looking up. However, literally the weekend after I told the counsellor that I thought I didn't need her anymore and that I finally had feelings for him again, he went to the pub after I'd gone to bed, came back, tried to watch porn and found it was blocked on his phone so woke me up at 2am to accuse me of blocking porn on his phone - I hadn't, it's the wifi provider - but he wouldn't believe me for about 2 hours of arguing. I went back to bed shattered, upset and broken, and that's when he actually realised it wasn't me that blocked porn. I have always said to him that as long as it's not cam girls he's watching, and I don't find out, then he could watch porn. Since finding out about trafficking and the effects of porn on young people, I have become very anti-porn. My partner says he watches porn because we're not having sex, we haven't spoken about me being anti-porn though.
There have been various incidents like this over the years, all related to drinking, two related to porn (I found he'd been trying to search live cams a year or two ago which we agreed years ago is a no-go for me as I feel it's cheating). Too many things to write about here, it would be a book!
His behaviour has ground me down, and I want to leave. I know when I do leave him, he'll tell me he'll stop drinking, and he might well do that. But I know it's only a matter of time before something else bad happens, and I've lost the will to fight for this relationship. I'm a wet blanket and I think I'm going to end up falling for his claim to stop drinking.
How do I leave?! I think I still love him, but I'm completely fed up and to be honest I don't think I can bring myself to have sex with him ever again. Do I find somewhere new to live first? How do I manage all this with a 3 year old?! How do I get through Christmas?! Do I just take it steady and find another therapist to talk me through everything?
Sorry for the long post, I just need to get this out of my system. All this has been weighing on my mind and I'm behind at work with millions of deadlines looming - it's making me feel ill and tired and disconnected from life. My poor daughter has had a shell of mummy looking after her over this weekend, I've found it so hard to be present with her.
I will check back later - thanks everyone!