Don't know where to start

[CrazyHormoneLady]

I've started several threads the last couple of weeks but can't really find the words to describe what's going on.

I'm feeling increasingly stuck in my relationship. We've been together 11 years, have a 3 year old and own our own property. Not married.

My partner has a drinking issue that keeps rearing its head; the drinking completely changes his personality and I mostly find him incredibly irritating when he drinks. He's also not good with money and in spite of having a joint account and trying to pay equally into there (similar salaries), I have ended up paying a lot more (looking back I have paid £20k more into our joint account in the last 5 years than he has) thanks to various episodes of unemployment and sickness (e.g. he has just gone back to work since pulling his shoulder out in August - something that could have been fixed long ago if he'd have called the consultant and arranged an injection after being told to do that - instead he dragged his feet on it until eventually it got sorted).

We've been trying to rekindle things in the bedroom, but the last time we had sex he was drunk and he was a bit rough with me, then afterwards told me I was a "great fuck" which made me feel absolutely disgusting. He's since told me it was just a joke that landed badly.

He had been telling me his drinking was getting worse because he felt like I wasn't loving enough, so I spent hundreds of pounds and tens of hours of counselling across 2023 and 2024 to try and find a way of rekindling my feelings towards him after he got completely drunk at my step-sister's wedding and disappeared to go to a bar whilst I was putting our then-1 year old to bed. That night I told him he needed to stop drinking or I would leave him and he laughed at me! But was very apologetic once he'd sobered up.

I managed to start feeling warmer and more loving towards him again due to him stopping drinking for almost a year and things started looking up. However, literally the weekend after I told the counsellor that I thought I didn't need her anymore and that I finally had feelings for him again, he went to the pub after I'd gone to bed, came back, tried to watch porn and found it was blocked on his phone so woke me up at 2am to accuse me of blocking porn on his phone - I hadn't, it's the wifi provider - but he wouldn't believe me for about 2 hours of arguing. I went back to bed shattered, upset and broken, and that's when he actually realised it wasn't me that blocked porn. I have always said to him that as long as it's not cam girls he's watching, and I don't find out, then he could watch porn. Since finding out about trafficking and the effects of porn on young people, I have become very anti-porn. My partner says he watches porn because we're not having sex, we haven't spoken about me being anti-porn though.

There have been various incidents like this over the years, all related to drinking, two related to porn (I found he'd been trying to search live cams a year or two ago which we agreed years ago is a no-go for me as I feel it's cheating). Too many things to write about here, it would be a book!

His behaviour has ground me down, and I want to leave. I know when I do leave him, he'll tell me he'll stop drinking, and he might well do that. But I know it's only a matter of time before something else bad happens, and I've lost the will to fight for this relationship. I'm a wet blanket and I think I'm going to end up falling for his claim to stop drinking.

How do I leave?! I think I still love him, but I'm completely fed up and to be honest I don't think I can bring myself to have sex with him ever again. Do I find somewhere new to live first? How do I manage all this with a 3 year old?! How do I get through Christmas?! Do I just take it steady and find another therapist to talk me through everything?

Sorry for the long post, I just need to get this out of my system. All this has been weighing on my mind and I'm behind at work with millions of deadlines looming - it's making me feel ill and tired and disconnected from life. My poor daughter has had a shell of mummy looking after her over this weekend, I've found it so hard to be present with her.

I will check back later - thanks everyone!

You can’t fix the relationship on your own. While he’s having a primary relationship with alcohol, which you are part funding, yours and DDs come second and third. Hence him making such an ignorant remark about his role as a dad, he can’t be arsed with his third priority relationship. So he bullies and belittles (these traits are part of his personality.)
Can you write a list of all the reasons why you are leaving him so that you can remind yourself whenever you feel a wobble coming on?

• Don't worry *about "musing into the void" lol. You need support in leaving him. If we're that support so be it .

I couldn't live with someone like your partner. I couldn't live with walking on egg shells waiting for the next time he gets drunk and abusive.
I'm so glad you are out of the fog and see things for how they are. He's an alcoholic. Probably always will be. Yes he can be nice at times he can be sober but the egg shells walking and his constant abuse kills any affection you have for him. So many women stay in abusive relationships because of occasional times they're nice to be around.

Good luck with your move and ending things. Your little girl deserves a happy mummy and whether you know it or not she can sense your unhappiness. Things will be so much better for you both when you end things and move out. I also would be careful about him having your DD overnight you know he can't control himself with alcohol. What if she gets ill in the night and he's too drunk to care for her?

We have to have a united front apparently, he doesn't directly disagree with me, but he does tend to dominate the situation if I'm trying to sort something out. E.g. if I'm trying to brush DD's teeth and she's mucking about, I'll be trying to calmly handle the situation (and I do this every night so I know my techniques work) and he'd shout that she had to do it or XYZ consequence. Not that I disagree with having a 'no-nonsense' approach so much, just that I feel like he's intervening. If I try to intervene because I think he's being too harsh, he gets angry at me.

I can, I've been trying to list them in my head to keep myself reminded! When I've got more time over Christmas when he's working I think I'll try to do that.

I still co sleep with DD so I think I have a strong case to have her with me overnight. He doesn't tend to drink in the day, and I think he'll stay off the alcohol in the day when he's with her. If I find out he hasn't then I guess we'll have to go to court to work out an official custody agreement, but I'm hoping he'll be reasonable for the sake of DD. I don't trust him to stay sober if he had her overnight, and on a boat there are more dangers than just her getting ill, if she woke up and tried to get off the boat for example.

Just wanted to say you are not responsible for his feelings, as that seems to be a concern for you. He is an adult, part of being an adult is taking responsibility for regulating your own emotions.

He cares more about alcohol than your relationship. He will try and keep you in the relationship as it facilitates his drinking. He will promise the earth and say all the things you want to hear to stop you leaving. He may even stop drinking for a bit and be the perfect partner, this is also a ploy to keep you in the relationship. It's known as love bombing. If things were always bad, you'd have no qualms about leaving would you?

Just sending a hand hold OP.

I've been there. With the alcoholic in denial ex husband.

I remember telling my friends on a this/Friday night in October that I was going to get through Christmas and then leave. 3 weeks before Christmas. He was drunk and tried to get into bed with me (we had been sleeping separate since the summer. And flung the dog off the bed. That was my straw.

I kicked him out the next day. He tried his usual shit of talking me round. It's quite comical thinking about it now. I literally spent the whole day moving from room to room every time he came in and tried to talk me round.

I'm 9 years on, very happy now and ex h had a mini stroke a few years ago and quit drinking, we actually get on very well now.

You'll reach that point where it's the last straw so to speak. It sounds like you're not far off tbh x

Thanks @MessyNeate There have been so many incidents that should have been the last straw, and in some ways I'm secretly hoping there's another one over Christmas so I have a better (well, more recent) excuse to leave, but the logical part of my brain knows I don't need an excuse other than I'm unhappy and, as a PP said, walking on eggshells wondering when this next incident will happen. Even besides the alcohol I just feel we're not compatible anymore... We're polar opposites, which worked and was exciting when I was in my 20's but now we have a child (and actually since we bought our boat 7 years ago!) it's been incredibly difficult to live with, and all the compromises have been on my part.

Well a minor update, earlier this week when he came home from work about 3am I could swear I could smell alcohol. Then this morning the bedroom smells of hangover breath... I've just checked his work bag and found two hip-flask sized bottles of brandy. Keeping my cards close to my chest on this and not going to bring it up. Hopefully I'll finally make an Al-Anon group next week to talk about it since DD hasn't been getting to sleep on time for me to attend the zoom 😭

This is your confirmation that he will never change. He is an alcoholic. He’s lying about his alcohol use. He’s hiding it. Without joining a programme like AA or similar and making the decision to be sober, he will keep drinking. It’s a very serious addiction and very hard to break. There’s people who have been sober 20 years and still end up going back to it. Don’t bring your daughter up around an alcoholic.

If he's driving at all, he'll be driving drunk so make sure he never takes your DD in the car. You can't leave her with him during the day either as he's clearly topping himself up constantly. He has a serious addiction so you must not believe a single word he says. It's way past time for you to remove yourself and your daughter from this dreadful situation in any way you can.

Could you possibly look for and buy a flat/house if you can't get another boat soon? You need to be out of there and soon.

💐

Keep making your plans but have an emergency exit one too.

I'm going to tell him the first weekend in January that I'm leaving, if my childminder can take DD for a few hours. I'll pack some clothes for us both and potentially stay with her for a bit or one of my boater mum friends has a flat they use occasionally so I could potentially stay there. My parents live a few hours away unfortunately.

You're right, it's the confirmation I need to leave, I don't think I can do it before Christmas, but this hiding alcohol behaviour has been happening on and off for years so I'm not sure another couple of weeks would make a difference. Thankfully I do 99% of things with DD anyway so she won't be around him on her own. He's in bed for most of the day due to night shifts so she doesn't see him drunk, although the smell of hangover breath in the bedroom this morning was pretty awful!

Sorry I think it'll happen on 11th January, just booking DD in with the childminder then... I'm seeing boats on 10th Jan but have my heart set on one already and I just need to see its survey to check everything is in good nick and take a look around 🤞🏻

My personal experience, as a daughter of an alcoholic father, is that my dad never stopped drinking (or even recognised he had a problem) for my sake and that of my siblings. Never. Not when we were small, not when it clearly impacted us (i have 2 siblings with heavy drinking problems), not with breakdowns of relationships... the only thing that made him accept and stop is when his own life was at risk. I am so happy that he has stopped drinking a few years back, I truly am. Just saying that my experience is that an alcoholic person will not stop to save their relationship, or because they promised you, or because there's a 3 yo in the picture. As with all addiction, they are completely blindsided by it. I'm so sorry

He’s an alcoholic, he won’t change until he has to and it’s not your job to waste your life waiting for that to happen. I wasted 20 years please don’t be like me.
it sounds like you are in a very good position financially, see women’s aid and a lawyer.
your life will be so much better afterwards.
After you realise that his primary relationship is with alcohol not you life becomes much easier to navigate xxx

Thanks everyone for your wisdom. These are things that I heard at Al Anon too, but I don't think it really hit home as I was at the stage where I was just letting everything out rather than taking on their teachings. Yesterday when I found the brandy bottles I finally "knew" (even though I've been contemplating leaving for months). I couldn't sleep last night trying to plan things out in my head. I'm still at a loss about what I'm going to say to him and I'm going to try to keep the conversation from becoming an argument, at least I can walk away if it goes there. My friend told me to go out and do it so I think I'll see if he'll come for a dog walk where I know I can get away. I honestly don't think he would be violent or anything, but the same friend also told me when she broke up with her husband he was livid and she felt terrified, it was a reaction she didn't expect at all.

There is nothing wrong with leaving whilst he's at work and letting him know after the event.

My friend's (otherwise placid & kind) alcoholic husband pushed her to the floor and started strangling her. She got away from him and after she'd calmed down a bit she phoned me. During the call the line went dead so I guessed he'd pulled the lead out of the socket (pre mobile days). I called the police and the call handler kindly stayed on the line with me until they arrived.

You have no idea what an alcoholic will do in a rage so you must be prepared for anything and have some other people with you when you tell him you're leaving. Please don't be alone with him after that.

@Shetlands that sounds terrifying, glad she's OK. Thanks for the tip, I'll be telling local friends when it happens and I'll tell him outside, I don't fancy being on a boat (i.e. not easy to escape!) if he flies off the handle. I don't think he will but again I'd rather be safe. And with DD at the childminder he's more likely to.

It’s not advisable to tell an abuser that you’re leaving them in person. It’s much safer to leave a note or send them a message once you are safe. Please consider this over telling him in person.

Thanks again, I don't think I could do that, we've been together for 11 years and built a life together over that time. Even though he's an abuser in some respects, mostly through hiding alcohol and acting like a dick when he's drunk, we have had lots of really great times and had some amazing experiences over the last 11 years, so I think sending a note wouldn't bring closure for either of us. I honestly don't think he'll be violent, but I'm not completely naïve, so think if I'm in a public place then it should be safe. I won't tell him at home where I may be much less safe.

After you've told him, what's the plan? Please don't go home with him on your own or be on your own with him at any point.

He’s not an abuser in some respects. He’s an abuser. Abuse is never constant. It’s cyclical. They have times where they are nice and times when they are not. That’s what keeps women trapped in abusive relationships. Of course it’s up to you what you do but statistically telling an abuser that you’re leaving is the most dangerous time for women. If he’s had a drink, you don’t know what he will do. He’s been horrible and abusive to you, you don’t owe him anything. Please put yourself first and keep yourself safe.