Don't know where to start

[CrazyHormoneLady]

I've started several threads the last couple of weeks but can't really find the words to describe what's going on.

I'm feeling increasingly stuck in my relationship. We've been together 11 years, have a 3 year old and own our own property. Not married.

My partner has a drinking issue that keeps rearing its head; the drinking completely changes his personality and I mostly find him incredibly irritating when he drinks. He's also not good with money and in spite of having a joint account and trying to pay equally into there (similar salaries), I have ended up paying a lot more (looking back I have paid £20k more into our joint account in the last 5 years than he has) thanks to various episodes of unemployment and sickness (e.g. he has just gone back to work since pulling his shoulder out in August - something that could have been fixed long ago if he'd have called the consultant and arranged an injection after being told to do that - instead he dragged his feet on it until eventually it got sorted).

We've been trying to rekindle things in the bedroom, but the last time we had sex he was drunk and he was a bit rough with me, then afterwards told me I was a "great fuck" which made me feel absolutely disgusting. He's since told me it was just a joke that landed badly.

He had been telling me his drinking was getting worse because he felt like I wasn't loving enough, so I spent hundreds of pounds and tens of hours of counselling across 2023 and 2024 to try and find a way of rekindling my feelings towards him after he got completely drunk at my step-sister's wedding and disappeared to go to a bar whilst I was putting our then-1 year old to bed. That night I told him he needed to stop drinking or I would leave him and he laughed at me! But was very apologetic once he'd sobered up.

I managed to start feeling warmer and more loving towards him again due to him stopping drinking for almost a year and things started looking up. However, literally the weekend after I told the counsellor that I thought I didn't need her anymore and that I finally had feelings for him again, he went to the pub after I'd gone to bed, came back, tried to watch porn and found it was blocked on his phone so woke me up at 2am to accuse me of blocking porn on his phone - I hadn't, it's the wifi provider - but he wouldn't believe me for about 2 hours of arguing. I went back to bed shattered, upset and broken, and that's when he actually realised it wasn't me that blocked porn. I have always said to him that as long as it's not cam girls he's watching, and I don't find out, then he could watch porn. Since finding out about trafficking and the effects of porn on young people, I have become very anti-porn. My partner says he watches porn because we're not having sex, we haven't spoken about me being anti-porn though.

There have been various incidents like this over the years, all related to drinking, two related to porn (I found he'd been trying to search live cams a year or two ago which we agreed years ago is a no-go for me as I feel it's cheating). Too many things to write about here, it would be a book!

His behaviour has ground me down, and I want to leave. I know when I do leave him, he'll tell me he'll stop drinking, and he might well do that. But I know it's only a matter of time before something else bad happens, and I've lost the will to fight for this relationship. I'm a wet blanket and I think I'm going to end up falling for his claim to stop drinking.

How do I leave?! I think I still love him, but I'm completely fed up and to be honest I don't think I can bring myself to have sex with him ever again. Do I find somewhere new to live first? How do I manage all this with a 3 year old?! How do I get through Christmas?! Do I just take it steady and find another therapist to talk me through everything?

Sorry for the long post, I just need to get this out of my system. All this has been weighing on my mind and I'm behind at work with millions of deadlines looming - it's making me feel ill and tired and disconnected from life. My poor daughter has had a shell of mummy looking after her over this weekend, I've found it so hard to be present with her.

I will check back later - thanks everyone!

I think if you leave you will wonder why you didn't do it sooner x

My DD is going to the childminder whilst I tell him (I've arranged her to have her on the Saturday) and then I'm going to stay over at hers for the night, and hopefully will have a boat to go to on Sunday but my CM has said to stay as long as I need.

On that Saturday, he'll have done a night shift so once I've dropped DD off I'm going to wake him up, make coffee and suggest we go for a walk, which is when I'll tell him. He might be hungover but he won't have started drinking. He's not an angry drunk, just low empathy and a buffoon really, unless he drinks whisky which he doesn't due to previous consequences (unless he really lapses by then 😬).

Stupidly had a look at my boat shortlist last night before bed then ended up sleeping badly due to the anxiety and excitement of finally getting away, although today I mostly just feel anxious. 😞 DD woke up at 5:00 which is pretty unusual for her so feeling pretty exhausted! Excited for presents tomorrow but my partner has bought a big bottle of cognac and one of port "for cooking". I doubt I'll have any as I've completely gone off alcohol (hmmm wonder why!), and I was just planning on having a Guinness or two. Since he had a long shift last night I'm hoping if he drinks too much tomorrow he'll just fall asleep on the sofa and I can have the bed to myself 🤞🏻

I really hope the next few days go well for you. xxx

Thank you @Shetlands, he's had a few beers and invited a friend over who appears to be staying after DD goes to bed. (Turfed them outside whilst DD has a bath in front of the fire, thinking this would be goodbye, but 'friend' assured me he'd be back in once DD has her pyjamas on 😳). On the one hand it means DD's first time leaving a mince pie out for Santa will have some guy here I'm not really that keen on observing the whole thing but on the other hand at least I'm not on my own with an annoying drunk having to feign some kind of affection I no longer feel.

Merry Christmas everyone! Partner fell asleep on the sofa last night so I had a restful night apart from being woken up by the sound of him vomiting at 5:30 and 6:30, which is when DD woke up anyway. He's lying on the sofa feeling sorry for himself whilst DD and I enjoy the presents. His loss 🤷🏻

Hope you and your families are having a lovely day 😁 I'm certainly determined to have a lovely regardless of the groaning moaning lump on the sofa xx

Today I went out to walk one of the dogs, left DD with partner. When I came back she was crying a bit because he had given her Peppa Pig to watch when he was getting ready then had to switch it off once it had finished. No doubt he hadn't told her it was one episode, but either way she was upset when I got home. Not really an issue, but then he took our other dog out for a walk and DD escalated into a meltdown, and by the time he returned she was cuddling me and crying. I was actually also crying as I'm so exhausted and sad about everything. He started telling her if she didn't stop crying then he'd put her in the bedroom on her own (!) which escalated the meltdown even more. I snapped and said no wonder she's sad because I'm sad and he made Christmas sad for everyone. He has apologised but then went on to say that DD is emotionally manipulative and I have made him look bad because I have no boundaries and he's the only one enforcing them, so DD doesn't ever go to him because she knows she'll get away with things 🤔

I know I have good boundaries, DD comes to me because I'm her primary caregiver, I'm firm but reasonable and I never turn down a cuddle. He shouts at her (yesterday she dropped her fork once at the table and he yelled at her and said he would take her dinner away!) and he only plays with her if I'm not there. I think he's deflecting to be honest.

I can't wait to be gone, I feel like every scale has fallen from my eyes and I'm living with a drunken manipulative bully.

I know you're juggling a dreadful situation but please don't leave her with him. He's an alcoholic who shouts at her. I wouldn't even leave my dogs with him.

@CrazyHormoneLady l agree with @Shetland, I wouldn't leave him alone with her under any circumstances, she is only 3 and he's accused her of being emotionally manipulative and shouts at her and threatens her for dropping a knife! He sounds vile! l wouldn't trust him not to drink in front of her either.

You are living with a drunken manipulative bully.

Keep pressing on and be ready for the manipulative bullshit that he will spout when you tell him about leaving.

Yes I'm starting to realise he's likely going to start saying stuff about me when I try to leave. He's already told me we need to talk about my "poor parenting" (DD is very well behaved, so not sure how my poor parenting has caused that!). When I break the news to him I'm fully expecting him to make it my fault somehow.

Please actually move out when he is at work - all the stuff you want to take etc.

Intercept him on his way home for "the chat".

Alternatively do write him a Dear John. It's not cowardly or inappropriate, he's unpredictable and a drinker it's about your emotionally and physical safety.

@CrazyHormoneLady

Your, hopefully soon ex, sounds so awful! Can't get over him saying a 3 year old is manipulative!?? Especially when it sounds like he is the one being that and so much more.

Good luck with the leaving. Remember, do it quietly and don't give him any excuse to draw you back.

Yes so the plan is to move stuff out whilst he's asleep (he works nights), drop DD at childminders then wake him up to tell him. I was going to go out for a walk with him to tell him, but to be honest I think I will just tell him whilst outside the boat then go, not stick around to hear what he's got to say.

He loves criticising my parenting, even when I've done pretty much everything for DD up to now and she's turned into a polite, clever and very well behaved 3yo who sometimes acts like a 3yo shock horror.

You seem to have it sorted @CrazyHormoneLady are you moving far? I think you said you were hoping to move to another boat?

Yes. And agree with doing this without sticking around to see what he will say. There will be plenty coming back from him regardless, look after yourselves for now. You can all talk later.

Can I message you? I am selling a boat!
Of course it may not be in the right area for you. But who knows stranger things have happened.

You've been doing a brilliant parenting job in horrendous circumstances and you deserve to escape from the unfair criticism and stress. Have you been able to find support re: partner's access to your DD? He won't be allowed unsupervised access while he's drinking and there are ways to ensure that he can't cheat about that.

No I've not looked into that, he doesn't drink in the day and certainly not when he's working that night. I think he will spiral when we split though so I've got to work something out but I feel that's something to do once he dust has settled. There's absolutely no way I will let him have her unless I can guarantee he's sober and he won't be getting her overnight because that's when the drinking starts.

Yes please! Xx

I think you might consider that he's drinking all the time - topping himself up. You know he drinks at work because he's come home smelling of spirits and you found hip flasks of Brandy in his work bag. It's unlikely he's not drinking in the day at this point - they become very good at concealing it.

I've had the misfortune to witness the decline of a friend's husband - eg hiding bottles of spirits in the hedges so he could get secret top-ups while walking the dog or popping to the shops, and bringing his own bottle of water to work meetings but adding vodka to it. He often drove while intoxicated and could have killed someone - thankfully he just hit a tree and was banned from driving.

He lied all the time about his alcohol consumption and went to great lengths to cover up the truth that he wasn't just a heavy drinker, he was an alcoholic.

It's hard to accept that one's partner might be drinking to that extent because they can hide it so well and can appear sober when actually they're pickled.

A friend's daughter wanted to ensure her heavy drinking ex was sober when seeing the children so there was a system set up whereby he had to have hair tests done (I can't remember the details - maybe social services involvement).

Sorry for not replying, it's been a busy few days!

He's not drinking at work (he's a driver, the company do random drug tests) but had certainly started to drink brandy either on his way home - therefore drink driving - or when he got home before coming to bed, which I believe is new behaviour (in the past he had drank beer on his way home, but never spirits). On his days off he has most certainly been hiding alcohol from me for the past few months as a minimum, I kept feeling very confused about why he always seemed to be more tipsy than he should have been compared to the alcohol I was seeing him drink until I found hidden beer cans outside. He has hidden alcohol on and off over the years and I've always told him that it's one of the things that hurts me the most because it's deception, and always makes me feel like I'm going mad when I see him drink one beer yet he acts like he's drank five (and for some reason I have always given him the benefit of the doubt in those situations?!).

Yesterday I was starting to have doubts again about my decision so it's really good to come back here and remind myself of why I need to leave. When he's sober, we get on really well and I enjoy his company 😞

Urgh so a week tomorrow is the date I've set to break the news to him. I've transferred my savings into my personal account ready for a quick transaction to buy a boat, I've had a good think about the boats available to buy and have got a shortlist of two potential ones, but one in particular is the right layout etc. I'm hoping I can view them on Tuesday morning and hopefully there won't be anything majorly wrong with them. The two on my shortlist also have recent surveys I can look at to check how good the hull is.

I'm so excited about a new start but simultaneously feel like I'm jumping into the void. It feels like such a sudden and harsh thing to do to someone, and that I'm turning everyone's life upside down 😓

When DD and I are on the next boat, what do I tell her? That Mummy and Daddy don't live on the same boat any more but we both love her very much? Is there anything I can do to prepare her without giving the game away? 😞

Really pleased you’re leaving- you’re being so strong.
please don’t let your ex have unsupervised care of your DD- he’s a bully and his drinking makes him unsafe. Can you speak to SS once you’ve left? I think it would be dangerous to leave her in her care near water.

Great to hear that you're progressing with your next move. You're dealing with a hugely stressful situation and I wish you all the very best for getting to the other side.

You're not turning everyone's life upside down. All of your lives are currently chaotic, stressful and at risk so what you're doing is removing that risk and bringing some much needed calm, safety and security for your child and yourself. It's the very opposite of turning things upside down.