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Original poster

Strap in, it’s a long one… partner and ex

105 replies

fandm2024 · 06/12/2024 22:33

I’ve been with my partner for about 18 months and we recently had twin girls back in September. And I actually feel quite stupid but need some brutally honest opinions here whilst I try to be objective and non bias.

I first met him when he was still with his (now) ex, they went through a break up and we ended up getting into a relationship. I’m 24 and he’s 32 by the way and has children with another woman, not his ex. However, his ex has never left the picture, she only moved out of his house in August less than a month before the twins were born. I have my own house and he has his but the plan was to move in together but this wasn’t possible until his ex moved out for obvious reasons.

We brought the twins home to my house house initially as I needed peace and quiet and just time to settle into this new life. He coaches a football team with his ex and she is extremely involved in his children’s day to day lives and requests to have them on alternative days everyday of the week. I have expressed my feelings to him from the beginning that I found it weird and wasn’t comfortable with it as I have a feeling she has never got over him and wants to be in his life in some way or another.

Anyway, it turned out that I felt far more comfortable at my house than at his house and we came to an agreement that he would come to mine in the mornings when his other children went to school and I would take him home (most days) for the children to all see each other. However, since I’ve been at my house the ex has been at his nearly everyday ‘to see the kids and pick them up’. I then found out that they’ve been playing games on the xbox together when she has been at her house and he’s been at his house. I tried to contact him tonight regarding the girls but couldn’t get hold of him and I found out that they were, again, playing online together.

He sees absolutely no issue with it, but I can’t explain how bizarre this situation really is because it’s actually worked out that she’s seen him more than he’s seen me and the twins since they’ve been born.

Is this normal or am I being a bit naive here?

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 06/12/2024 22:38

You can’t turn back the clock but you’ve been ridiculously naive to rush into having children so quickly either a man who is still completely enmeshed and playing happy families with his ex. Why on earth didn’t you see the huge red flags here before you got involved, let alone pregnant? Never get involved with someone who is still living under same roof as their ex - it’s a recipe for disaster.

I am a bit confused though. Does he have children with his ex as well as from another relationship?

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 06/12/2024 22:42

Does this man work? Or just sit about houses playing xbox all day? What a shit show.

Original poster
fandm2024 · 06/12/2024 22:42

Because he made a lot of false promises in all honesty. He tried to hide a lot of things regarding his ex and wouldn't mention when they'd been in contact for fear of me causing an argument.

I never said I was happy that I ended up pregnant with his children but I wouldn't change these 2 girls that are my absolute world.

He doesn't have children with the ex I'm talking about, he was in a long term relationship with the children's mother.

I don't want honesty about me or the girls, just the situation with his ex really.

OP posts:
LittleGreenDragons · 06/12/2024 22:43

I first met him when he was still with his (now) ex, they went through a break up.
However, his ex has never left the picture, she only moved out of his house in August less than a month before the twins were born.

You are the other woman. You were in the beginning, you were in the middle, and you still are. And now you've brought babies into the mix. Get some self worth and get rid of him before the situation totally breaks you. He's not reliable, trustworthy or adult enough to be a real partner.

Original poster
fandm2024 · 06/12/2024 22:45

Funny you say that sugarnspice... he doesn't work. Having the twins have made me realise a lot of things and I feel awful enough as it is, it's like I've had an epiphany to be honest 😂

I've done this whole parenting thing for 10 weeks pretty much as a single mum because he comes to my house for 4 hours in the morning (mostly when they're asleep) to go back home where his children see mine.

He claims to be a fantastic dad and that the children are his priority... I'm sort of seeing that differently now. He hasn't worked for over a year

OP posts:
Brainded · 06/12/2024 22:46

Do any of these people work??

SirChenjins · 06/12/2024 22:48

LittleGreenDragons · 06/12/2024 22:43

I first met him when he was still with his (now) ex, they went through a break up.
However, his ex has never left the picture, she only moved out of his house in August less than a month before the twins were born.

You are the other woman. You were in the beginning, you were in the middle, and you still are. And now you've brought babies into the mix. Get some self worth and get rid of him before the situation totally breaks you. He's not reliable, trustworthy or adult enough to be a real partner.

I’m afraid I agree. He isn’t a free man - he’s a man who had an affair, made babies, and is still enmeshed with his ex who isn’t his ex.

I’m so sorry that this is happening to you when you’re still so young. I think the best thing to do is to show him the door and tell him to sort himself out - he sounds quite feckless and really not someone who’s going to be a good dad or partner long term.

SirChenjins · 06/12/2024 22:49

How does he fund this lifestyle of his if he doesn’t work?

MJMJMJMJ · 06/12/2024 22:49

How do you all support yourselves and your children?

TwistedWonder · 06/12/2024 22:49

Do his children have contact with their mum? Why on earth is the ex so involved with them if they’re not hers?

This sounds like classic triangulation. He’s having his cake annd eating it. Are you absolutely positive there’s nothing v still going on between them? They’re far too enmeshed for someone who’s supposed to have moved on

Original poster
fandm2024 · 06/12/2024 22:53

TwistedWonder · 06/12/2024 22:49

Do his children have contact with their mum? Why on earth is the ex so involved with them if they’re not hers?

This sounds like classic triangulation. He’s having his cake annd eating it. Are you absolutely positive there’s nothing v still going on between them? They’re far too enmeshed for someone who’s supposed to have moved on

Yeah the children have regular contact with their mum and this has always been a question I asked regarding why she's still so involved. I am sure that nothing has happened between them since we've been together. However, I am now seeing the situation for how it really is, he's not got a backbone and can't tell her to back off for whatever reason.

And I think it says it all when I'm not upset that I want this to be over. I've got what I need in my girls and they are all that matters, I just feel so guilty bringing them into a world with such a messed up situation.

She also just lets herself into his house still, with no thought about who's there, but this is apparently to pick the kids up but stays far longer than necessary. As a mum I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable with my children going to my ex-boyfriends ex-girlfriends house...

OP posts:
Original poster
fandm2024 · 06/12/2024 22:54

MJMJMJMJ · 06/12/2024 22:49

How do you all support yourselves and your children?

Edited

I'm a teacher, and I'm fully independent living in my own house.

He does not work and claims benefits...

OP posts:
Original poster
fandm2024 · 06/12/2024 22:55

fandm2024 · 06/12/2024 22:33

I’ve been with my partner for about 18 months and we recently had twin girls back in September. And I actually feel quite stupid but need some brutally honest opinions here whilst I try to be objective and non bias.

I first met him when he was still with his (now) ex, they went through a break up and we ended up getting into a relationship. I’m 24 and he’s 32 by the way and has children with another woman, not his ex. However, his ex has never left the picture, she only moved out of his house in August less than a month before the twins were born. I have my own house and he has his but the plan was to move in together but this wasn’t possible until his ex moved out for obvious reasons.

We brought the twins home to my house house initially as I needed peace and quiet and just time to settle into this new life. He coaches a football team with his ex and she is extremely involved in his children’s day to day lives and requests to have them on alternative days everyday of the week. I have expressed my feelings to him from the beginning that I found it weird and wasn’t comfortable with it as I have a feeling she has never got over him and wants to be in his life in some way or another.

Anyway, it turned out that I felt far more comfortable at my house than at his house and we came to an agreement that he would come to mine in the mornings when his other children went to school and I would take him home (most days) for the children to all see each other. However, since I’ve been at my house the ex has been at his nearly everyday ‘to see the kids and pick them up’. I then found out that they’ve been playing games on the xbox together when she has been at her house and he’s been at his house. I tried to contact him tonight regarding the girls but couldn’t get hold of him and I found out that they were, again, playing online together.

He sees absolutely no issue with it, but I can’t explain how bizarre this situation really is because it’s actually worked out that she’s seen him more than he’s seen me and the twins since they’ve been born.

Is this normal or am I being a bit naive here?

Feel the need to add to this for some reason... I do work and I'm fully independent - not that this has anything to do with the situation.

OP posts:
Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 06/12/2024 22:57

I'm glad you have your own career, what about family, do you have other support? I feel like motherhood has probably been the making of you and you'll move ahead with life in leaps and bounds while this guy goes nowhere. The gap between the two of you will just get wider and wider.

Original poster
fandm2024 · 06/12/2024 22:58

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 06/12/2024 22:57

I'm glad you have your own career, what about family, do you have other support? I feel like motherhood has probably been the making of you and you'll move ahead with life in leaps and bounds while this guy goes nowhere. The gap between the two of you will just get wider and wider.

Thank you, this is the first comment where I don't feel somewhat attacked 🤣

I have an amazing family who would do anything to support us in any way whatsoever.

My mum who is my rock lives an hour away but we see each other multiple times a week

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 06/12/2024 23:00

Sorry to kick you when you're down, but he sounds an absolute deadbeat. Is he contributing financially? I know he's not working, but does he contribute anything?

I also agree that his ex is not quite his ex

Original poster
fandm2024 · 06/12/2024 23:01

Justcallmebebes · 06/12/2024 23:00

Sorry to kick you when you're down, but he sounds an absolute deadbeat. Is he contributing financially? I know he's not working, but does he contribute anything?

I also agree that his ex is not quite his ex

Erm, he's bought a couple of pack of nappies 😂 But in all seriousness, no he doesn't. Which makes me feel so much better because I know I can do this on my own

OP posts:
MJMJMJMJ · 06/12/2024 23:01

Never marry him.

The situation with his ex is creepy.

Original poster
fandm2024 · 06/12/2024 23:01

MJMJMJMJ · 06/12/2024 23:01

Never marry him.

The situation with his ex is creepy.

That's not even a thought in my mind!!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 06/12/2024 23:01

He’s not much of a partner. His primary relationship also seems to be with someone else.

Dump him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/12/2024 23:02

fandm2024 · 06/12/2024 23:01

Erm, he's bought a couple of pack of nappies 😂 But in all seriousness, no he doesn't. Which makes me feel so much better because I know I can do this on my own

Show quote history

There’s nothing funny about that at all.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 06/12/2024 23:02

Oh what a mess, honestly slow fade him out. Look after your children, forget about a relationship with the waste of a space. He cheated on her with you, it's not a leap to think he'd do it the other way around. I really don't get what is attractive about someone who is both untrustworthy and unemployed.....
No having babies with him wasn't wise, but it's done now and their father isn't their fault.

TallNeckedGiraffe · 06/12/2024 23:02

More kids born to a shit father 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
fandm2024 · 06/12/2024 23:03

TallNeckedGiraffe · 06/12/2024 23:02

More kids born to a shit father 🤷‍♀️

But not to a shit mother though

OP posts:
Daschund · 06/12/2024 23:06

HRTFT but sounds like you're still the mistress. What a prize you've almost won. I'd stay in your own home and dump this loser.