Strap in, it’s a long one… partner and ex

[fandm2024]

I’ve been with my partner for about 18 months and we recently had twin girls back in September. And I actually feel quite stupid but need some brutally honest opinions here whilst I try to be objective and non bias.

I first met him when he was still with his (now) ex, they went through a break up and we ended up getting into a relationship. I’m 24 and he’s 32 by the way and has children with another woman, not his ex. However, his ex has never left the picture, she only moved out of his house in August less than a month before the twins were born. I have my own house and he has his but the plan was to move in together but this wasn’t possible until his ex moved out for obvious reasons.

We brought the twins home to my house house initially as I needed peace and quiet and just time to settle into this new life. He coaches a football team with his ex and she is extremely involved in his children’s day to day lives and requests to have them on alternative days everyday of the week. I have expressed my feelings to him from the beginning that I found it weird and wasn’t comfortable with it as I have a feeling she has never got over him and wants to be in his life in some way or another.

Anyway, it turned out that I felt far more comfortable at my house than at his house and we came to an agreement that he would come to mine in the mornings when his other children went to school and I would take him home (most days) for the children to all see each other. However, since I’ve been at my house the ex has been at his nearly everyday ‘to see the kids and pick them up’. I then found out that they’ve been playing games on the xbox together when she has been at her house and he’s been at his house. I tried to contact him tonight regarding the girls but couldn’t get hold of him and I found out that they were, again, playing online together.

He sees absolutely no issue with it, but I can’t explain how bizarre this situation really is because it’s actually worked out that she’s seen him more than he’s seen me and the twins since they’ve been born.

Is this normal or am I being a bit naive here?

You been with him 18mths...? Hmm, so 3 months ago you had twins, 9 month pregnancy. The problem here isn't his ex but that you got pregnant by a man you'd only been with around 6 months!!

Oh OP......

You've never lived with him, he doesn't work and you're barely a couple of years in to your teaching career, now with 2 babies. You have no idea if whether you're truly compatible.

This relationship has never really worked and won't moving forward as you know full well due to your concerns with his living / childcare arrangements.

I'd be more concerned with how I was going to bring up / afford the life you need to thrive.

What have your family & friends said about this all ?

So you are Woman no 3 in the list of the Cocklodgers conquests.

How long before he moves on to Woman no. 4?

FWIW, it sounds like OP has been somewhat hoodwinked by partner about how things were. What's done is done and the past can't be changed. I was older than her (mid 20s) when I fell pregnant (unplanned) with my eldest. I was in a long term relationship (3yrs+), had a good career and meticulously took the pill. I couldn't have predicted that my "D"P would have fucked off and left me when I was pregnant. Likewise, when I met/married my now XH, I couldn't have predicted that the decent, lovely, intelligent, hardworking guy that I had met/married (after nearly 4yrs) and had DC2 with would have ended up an addict within 7yrs of marriage. Shit happens, we just have to deal with it. If I had a crystal ball, then I wouldn't have DC with either of my exes, let alone got into relationships with them...but like OP, I wouldn't change my kids for the world.

[EDITED TO ADD...I am now very much single, and plan to remain single permanently!!!!]

OP...
First off, well done for juggling these first few weeks of parenthood single handedly and with twins no less!! Hats off to you! I have 2 DC (not twins) and it was hard enough.

You've got a lot going for you: good career, your independence, your own place, supportive family. You've also had the lightbulb moment about the waste-of-space "D"P. Far better that this lightbulb moment happened now than 3/4/5yrs down the line and after he dragged you down with all his nonsense. It's also great that you don't live with him (or are married to him!). Is he on the birth certs?

I'd not be happy with his set up (no job, hanging around his ex all the time etc) at all. In your position, I'd be extricating myself from this situation/relationship as quickly as possible, and starting to research rock solid childcare to be in place for when you do get back to work. I wouldn't rely on this guy at all. Good luck x

You must have at least a basic level of intelligence OP to be a teacher.
How the hell have you ended up as the OW with twins to a lazy man like this?

How old are his other children, I do feel sorry for them, live with dad but have contact with mum and “step mum 1” and now have baby sisters from another woman. They must be confused.

OP you have two daughters and a baby (or two) is always a gift and something to cherish. So walk away from this man without regrets, move closer to your mum and hopefully you will be able to pick up your career after maternity with some help from your mum re childcare. Is that an option?

His ex is going nowhere and he is not treating you like a partner. If she is at his so mum, have you met her? Are you with him when he takes the twins there?

It’s interesting isn’t it? I know quite a few teachers and nurses too who are with these kind of useless men.

The only thing I can think of is women from professions like teaching which often involve elements of nurturing, rescuing and patience etc, wrongly apply that to their romantic relationships.

It’s good to be caring in a relationship of course but not to the extent where they’re abusing your care and patience.

It doesn't matter how, when, where 🙄

The facts are, OP has two very loved and wanted babies and is now starting to see her partner for what he is. She's posted for support and to make sure she's not being unreasonable in her thinking.

Some of you are just so judgemental. No point in berating OP for what's already happened. Put that energy into supporting OP and what her next move is 😊

Yeah, a long term neighbour at my family home had a son from a previous marriage who was an alcoholic and dead beat.

At one point, when visiting his father's house on NYE, he spotted me in the kitchen (opposite their kitchen) and called me out, only to demand a NYE kiss. I was a teenager and he was 20s/30s. I was home alone. I think he insisted on pressing a slobbery kiss to my cheek, probably because I avoided a mouth kiss. I was intensely uncomfortable.
I didn't know at the time he was an alcoholic, and probably barely grasped that he was probably drunk.

A few years later, while doing temporary work for the region's NHS trust, in the community addiction unit, he came in incredibly drunk in the daytime .. asking to speak to someone. He had presumably fallen off the wagon. He was given short thrift by the fairly sharp receptionist.

Anyway .... He ended up married, not that long after, to a teacher with her own home.

A population of men to choose from and she chooses an alcoholic who was not even proven sober/recovered for long. I also think he had very very little by way of education and ability to earn decently, if he stayed on the wagon.

It’s sad. Men like this often keep going until their 40s having kids here and there. Wonder if he doesn’t work to avoid paying maintenance?

This is why I typically don’t date men who have kids from previous relationships. Especially if it’s more than one child and especially from multiple women. I certainly wouldn’t advise a woman in her 20s to do so and I’m in my 30s!

“ Past behaviour is a great predictor of future behaviour” or whatever that saying is.

I tried to give one single father a chance. He had a 14 year old and had been divorced for 12 or 13 years. I did the maths and asked why he divorced and moved out the family home shortly after he had a kid. He kept saying it was a long story and would tell me another time. I just immediately lost interest in him. What’s to say he wouldn’t do the same to me?

Anyway .... He ended up married, not that long after, to a teacher with her own home.

Everything about this story is awful. Are women really that desperate? 🤯

No point in berating OP for what's already happened

There's berating and then there's discussing choices and caution.

That might be of use in future.

Acknowledging risky, far from ideal choices and understanding why they were made, and endeavouring not to repeat that is very important.

According to my Mum, his upbringing was shit; both his parents (his father remarried our neighbour) apparently went out to bars all evening & night regularly and left the kids home alone. (The father played in bands). They were apparently left to their own devices a lot, and probably not supported in getting an education.

(Though one of the children, I know, did manage to get her into and hold down employment; she was the assistant manager at a local hotel restaurant).

It's not his fault, upbringing wise; but he was still an alcoholic with poor earning prospects (and clearly his behaviour was inappropriate when drunk, and maybe when not drunk). He never struck me as intelligent either.

You do wonder what is going on with an educated.woman, with decent earning prospects, and a responsible job (and a nice looking lady too) that they'd be attracted to a man like they, see him as a valid relationship option, let alone marry him and move him into her home.

From a purely financial point of view, if it doesn't work out; he's now got a claim to equity in her home.
If they have kids, she's risking him not staying in the wagon and her kids having an alcoholic gift a father. I don't get it.

As a former educator who’s also worked in social services and also as someone with an absent father I totally get it and have immense sympathy for survivors of bad childhoods. This is precisely why I’m so keen on people taking their time and choosing the best partners possible for them and any future kids. Yes men can wear masks and if you’re deceived that’s not always your fault - but many times the red flags are clearly on display.

Having inadequate and neglectful parents can really ruin someone’s adulthood, if they don’t take eventually take some responsibility for getting the help they need instead of harming themselves and others around them .

They say - what happened to you as a child was not your fault but it’s your responsibility as an adult to seek help for it.

There’s a clear line between my approach to kids and vulnerable adults I worked with and how I handle my romantic relationships.

In fact it’s not despite what I know about childhood trauma, but it’s because of what I know , that I could not be with someone like that.

I couldn’t inflict someone with that level of unresolved trauma and addictions on myself or even worse on any future children.

You do wonder what is going on with an educated.woman, with decent earning prospects, and a responsible job (and a nice looking lady too) that they'd be attracted to a man like they, see him as a valid relationship option, let alone marry him and move him into her home.
From a purely financial point of view, if it doesn't work out; he's now got a claim to equity in her home.
If they have kids, she's risking him not staying in the wagon and her kids having an alcoholic gift a father. I don't get it.

What a horrible situation she has got herself into. Sometimes I partly blame society which subtly sends the message to women they must have a partner or they’re a failure in life so they settle for anything. Or that’s it’s acceptable to be a rehab centre for grown men. I do find it all so strange but wonder if the teacher knows he is dependent on her so feels glad he likely won’t leave? And some people like to feel “needed”.

This reminds me a bit of of a friends stepdad was a recovering drug addict and an alcoholic who did cash in hand casual work . In his 50s he got a woman close to my friends age at the time (30) pregnant, she was a teacher with no kids. He had a 21 year old bio kid from a previous marriage.

I just didn’t understand it! What did she see in him? He had 3 kids with her then moved on to two other young women!

He is on benefits. His ex still looks after the children he had with his previous ex and you presumably fund and look after his twins. This man is certainly an expert at taking advantage of other people!

I guess he will be available for childcare when you go back to work. Although I bet he wriggles out of that one somehow and he gets his ex to do it. You might want to befriend her as she sounds like she could be more useful than him.

It's so reassuring and heart warming to know that so many people are hard working and paying their taxes to keep morons like this shit father on benefits so he can go around shagging women, having kids with them and play X box games all day.
Hope you have dumped him and enjoying your babies by yourself. There is a happier future out there for you and your girls. 💐

Oh OP. What possessed you? 😞

In general, on this subject, young women in our society seem to be raised to see divorced & separated fathers as equal relationship prospects to men who are not divorced with kids ...... And I think that is a huge error that they really need to be educated about, as far as possible.

There are so many issues in getting involved with men who already have kids that young women need to be alerted to. Having not been married, often not been in LTRs and having no kids themselves; they tend to be very unaware of them.

It may be difficult to meet someone without kids in your mid 30s and inward, but not in your 20s, especially early 20s. There is no need for them to partner men like that.

There is a school Mum I know who complains regularly about the behaviour of her two teenage step sons towards her two young daughters..... I'm sorry but I just look at her and think "You're the one who chose a man with two sons from a previous relationship! Why did you think it would be easy/there would be no issues with combining new babies/toddlers/young kids with typical teenage boys? You could have chosen a man with no kids. Yes, there might be other issues but at least you'd have a simple household with just your kids - instead of you constantly having to referee teenage boys verbally and sometimes physically teasing, poking, provoking, winding up etc. two young girls .being generally intolerant of them and unable to be trusted around them without causing fights and upsetting them. (And of course those boys find a 6 and 4/5 yr old irritating)."

She also gets no break from them because their mother apparently doesn't have them to stay.

And presumably their household has to be more careful with money than a non blended household with fewer kids.

I don't know how but young women need to be made more aware of these issues, instead of seeing men with kids from previous relationships as equal choices to those without. There's no need to settle for that in your 20s.

Sometimes I partly blame society which subtly sends the message to women they must have a partner or they’re a failure in life so they settle for anything. Or that’s it’s acceptable to be a rehab centre for grown men.

Absolutely.

You don’t need him. He doesn’t make you particularly happy. You feel more at peace in your own home.
Get rid now while your girls are tiny and won’t remember anything.
You know you deserve better, you will find someone who’s not a knob.
Let him carry on being a tool and you carry on with your fantastic career, own home and amazing friends and family.
Your girls have all the love and support they’ll need in you.

Congratulations on your twins. Twins are great.

Now you need to take control of your life and the future. What does he bring to it? Help with children? Paying for nappies etc? Cooking your meals etc? It is he a sponger?

I’m not the only one who think you may fe better off going it alone.

Completely agree with @StrawberryDream24 entire post and in particular this.

In general, on this subject, young women in our society seem to be raised to see divorced & separated fathers as equal relationship prospects to men who are not divorced with kids ...... And I think that is a huge error that they really need to be educated about, as far as possible.

I met up with a younger friend of mine recently. She’s late 20s, and childfree. Apparently had just finished a short term relationship with a divorced father of 3 kids who was closer to my age.

She said it was just some fun and I told her she had done well not to get herself trapped but advised her not to risk that again as it could turn out differently.

She has an amazing job, is buying a house (on her own) soon and has great friends who she travels with.

There’s no benefit in a childfree 20 something year old woman being with a 40 year old with kids. I think she took on board what I was saying about sticking to men without kids from now on.

He's a bad, unwise choice.
Sorry.

@StrawberryDream24

Totally agree with you. I’m shocked at how many seemingly intelligent, attractive young women in their 20’s saddle themselves with a man 10/15/20+ years their senior who already has kids. I can’t think of anything I would have wanted less at that age than being a stepmother.

Ive seen comments about men their own age being immature which I get but the answer isn’t a significantly older man with more bathe than Gatwick. And unfortunately a lot of older guys deliberately choose younger partners because power imbalance suits their agenda.