Strap in, it’s a long one… partner and ex

[fandm2024]

I’ve been with my partner for about 18 months and we recently had twin girls back in September. And I actually feel quite stupid but need some brutally honest opinions here whilst I try to be objective and non bias.

I first met him when he was still with his (now) ex, they went through a break up and we ended up getting into a relationship. I’m 24 and he’s 32 by the way and has children with another woman, not his ex. However, his ex has never left the picture, she only moved out of his house in August less than a month before the twins were born. I have my own house and he has his but the plan was to move in together but this wasn’t possible until his ex moved out for obvious reasons.

We brought the twins home to my house house initially as I needed peace and quiet and just time to settle into this new life. He coaches a football team with his ex and she is extremely involved in his children’s day to day lives and requests to have them on alternative days everyday of the week. I have expressed my feelings to him from the beginning that I found it weird and wasn’t comfortable with it as I have a feeling she has never got over him and wants to be in his life in some way or another.

Anyway, it turned out that I felt far more comfortable at my house than at his house and we came to an agreement that he would come to mine in the mornings when his other children went to school and I would take him home (most days) for the children to all see each other. However, since I’ve been at my house the ex has been at his nearly everyday ‘to see the kids and pick them up’. I then found out that they’ve been playing games on the xbox together when she has been at her house and he’s been at his house. I tried to contact him tonight regarding the girls but couldn’t get hold of him and I found out that they were, again, playing online together.

He sees absolutely no issue with it, but I can’t explain how bizarre this situation really is because it’s actually worked out that she’s seen him more than he’s seen me and the twins since they’ve been born.

Is this normal or am I being a bit naive here?

Make a life without the man who is still committed to someone else. He is showing you clearly that he is not dedicated to you.

Can you work and live closer to your parents?

Be happy to make all your own choices.
Stop going to the ex's every afternoon as it is unsettling and depressing for you.

Or that’s it’s acceptable to be a rehab centre for grown men.

Or actually raised to feel like they're a bad person if they don't act as a rehab centre for grown men.

Of course the men are experienced manipulators too - there is a these on here by a poster with a short term alcoholic bf (who did not disclose that when they started seeing each other" ....ah the phrases he was throwing at her when she tried to end it "don't give up on me", "you're the kindest person I've ever known" etc. etc

When they've got a decent woman on the hook (not an alcoholic or addict like themselves); of course they not letting go without rolling out every technique in the book.

This. Whats done is done, your children are here and good for you for realising hes a waste of space, even if a bit late.
Cut the ties. He contributes nothing to your life. Focus on your kids, progessing in your career and meeting someone nice eventually who you can settle with. Dont rush into new relationships or having more kids.

Well some men see it as ideal if they can get away with having DC's, but not having to look after them. Does his ex know that you exist? Hope so at least.
Were they together a long time, given that she has this urge to do his share of parenting? It could be that she doesn't have the DC's anywhere near as much as you think, and it's just an excuse he's using as to why he sees so much of her. Surely at best the DC's are 50/50 between him and their mother, so if his ex is doing half of his parenting, that's 25% overall at the most. No reason at all in that case to see him every day.
He's got his ex DC's mother and 'maybe current' ex ( debatable) looking after one set of DC's, while you look after his others. Easy street for him, and all the women are paying for it no doubt.
Amazing what some women allow men to get away with.
Just dump him, he brings nothing at all, is no use at all. You've got an ideal career as a single parent, so you'll be fine. You'll never have to panic about running out of time for DC's at 30, will have been there, done that, and realistically probably should focus on your twins for the next few years anyway. When you get to your 30's there will be more men who've already had DC's available for relationships. Tbh, some men your own youthful age are probably likely to be put off by you already having DC's anyway.
You've certainly made life harder than it needed to be, but you have support so will be fine. Pick more wisely in future, and don't introduce a new BF until you know he's worthy of your DC's affections - takes about a year of dating for that ( which is why you didn't know what you were getting into, as you rushed it all).

If I was you OP, I'd move away so you're close to your mum and family and build a life for you and your girls.

Leave him to play happy families with his kids and his ex. Who will no doubt move back in the second you move away. (Too bad his ex isn't on MN, she could do with some advice on how to grow a backbone too.)

No more letting him visit your house while the babies are asleep and no more visits to his house so the kids can be together. Just get your house on the market and move away.

He can't provide for his kids, or you, and clearly is more interested in gaming with his ex than getting a job.

I'm still scratching my head as to why you even got involved with him. You're an intelligent, professional woman with a career. Didn't you notice he wasn't working?

Take your babies and run as fast as you can. I can assure you he won't follow.

Get yourself some counselling to unpick why you have such low self esteem and please don't date again until you've raised your bar through the roof!