Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Strap in, it’s a long one… partner and ex

105 replies

fandm2024 · 06/12/2024 22:33

I’ve been with my partner for about 18 months and we recently had twin girls back in September. And I actually feel quite stupid but need some brutally honest opinions here whilst I try to be objective and non bias.

I first met him when he was still with his (now) ex, they went through a break up and we ended up getting into a relationship. I’m 24 and he’s 32 by the way and has children with another woman, not his ex. However, his ex has never left the picture, she only moved out of his house in August less than a month before the twins were born. I have my own house and he has his but the plan was to move in together but this wasn’t possible until his ex moved out for obvious reasons.

We brought the twins home to my house house initially as I needed peace and quiet and just time to settle into this new life. He coaches a football team with his ex and she is extremely involved in his children’s day to day lives and requests to have them on alternative days everyday of the week. I have expressed my feelings to him from the beginning that I found it weird and wasn’t comfortable with it as I have a feeling she has never got over him and wants to be in his life in some way or another.

Anyway, it turned out that I felt far more comfortable at my house than at his house and we came to an agreement that he would come to mine in the mornings when his other children went to school and I would take him home (most days) for the children to all see each other. However, since I’ve been at my house the ex has been at his nearly everyday ‘to see the kids and pick them up’. I then found out that they’ve been playing games on the xbox together when she has been at her house and he’s been at his house. I tried to contact him tonight regarding the girls but couldn’t get hold of him and I found out that they were, again, playing online together.

He sees absolutely no issue with it, but I can’t explain how bizarre this situation really is because it’s actually worked out that she’s seen him more than he’s seen me and the twins since they’ve been born.

Is this normal or am I being a bit naive here?

OP posts:
Anon4500 · 07/12/2024 01:23

fandm2024 · 06/12/2024 22:53

Yeah the children have regular contact with their mum and this has always been a question I asked regarding why she's still so involved. I am sure that nothing has happened between them since we've been together. However, I am now seeing the situation for how it really is, he's not got a backbone and can't tell her to back off for whatever reason.

And I think it says it all when I'm not upset that I want this to be over. I've got what I need in my girls and they are all that matters, I just feel so guilty bringing them into a world with such a messed up situation.

She also just lets herself into his house still, with no thought about who's there, but this is apparently to pick the kids up but stays far longer than necessary. As a mum I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable with my children going to my ex-boyfriends ex-girlfriends house...

Show quote history

This seems very off xx

SnowFrogJelly · 07/12/2024 01:24

Why on earth did you have children with this man after knowing him such a short time and when he's still so involved with his ex? Sounds ridiculously complicated

Anon4500 · 07/12/2024 01:28

SnowFrogJelly · 07/12/2024 01:24

Why on earth did you have children with this man after knowing him such a short time and when he's still so involved with his ex? Sounds ridiculously complicated

Sounds more than complicated xx

TheSandgroper · 07/12/2024 01:42

I swear to God, this bloke has some skill in picking his women. Par excellence.

One woman to bear him children. One women to look after said children. Another woman to bear more children who is happy he visits when they are aleep.

Ok.

1). File a CMS claim. Him being on benefits is not a you problem.
2). Get advice (from your health visitor?) about a contact schedule and stick to it. He doesn’t get to take one daughter. It’s both together or neither.
3). For contact, he is expected to provide for HIS children. Start with nappies, pram and car seat and grow to appropriate food, clothing and supervision.
3). Plan on him not sticking to it. Expect nothing.
4). Are you having sex with him? If so, stop.
5). Does he have a key? Change the locks.
6). When he comes for contact, do not provide food or drink. Do not allow him to feel comfortable.

You say he hasn’t a backbone. I have yet to meet a bloke who “grows a backbone” when he is quite comfortable. It doesn’t happen.

You are a single parent. You will always be a single parent (re him, that is). It’s time to start living that way.

TillyKister · 07/12/2024 02:13

So this guy is 32?

He's got kids with one woman?

He then got with another woman, who has shared care with his kids from the previous woman?

Then you met him whilst he was in a relationship with this second woman?

In the space of 18 months you've now got twins with this guy?

The twins then go back with him to see the kids he's got from the first woman?

The second woman is then there, and playing Mum to his kids? All 4?

I'll be honest I feel sorry for the kids.

What must they think of all these people in their lives, and two siblings that seem to have appeared on the scene too?

You're a teacher?

How the Hell did you think all of this was normal? You obviously knew he'd got all of this baggage. You've then brought two more kids into the mix. You might not want to address your role in all of this, but you've got into this mess, and 4 kids have a deadbeat dad.

Just cut him out of the whole equation and concentrate on your girls. It's only going to get worse. He's going to have the ex pregnant next 🙄

Anon4500 · 07/12/2024 02:15

TillyKister · 07/12/2024 02:13

So this guy is 32?

He's got kids with one woman?

He then got with another woman, who has shared care with his kids from the previous woman?

Then you met him whilst he was in a relationship with this second woman?

In the space of 18 months you've now got twins with this guy?

The twins then go back with him to see the kids he's got from the first woman?

The second woman is then there, and playing Mum to his kids? All 4?

I'll be honest I feel sorry for the kids.

What must they think of all these people in their lives, and two siblings that seem to have appeared on the scene too?

You're a teacher?

How the Hell did you think all of this was normal? You obviously knew he'd got all of this baggage. You've then brought two more kids into the mix. You might not want to address your role in all of this, but you've got into this mess, and 4 kids have a deadbeat dad.

Just cut him out of the whole equation and concentrate on your girls. It's only going to get worse. He's going to have the ex pregnant next 🙄

You are not wrong but it’s hard when kids are involved xx

LifeExperience · 07/12/2024 03:16

He is enmeshed with his ex, and if that were going to change, it would have changed by now. I don't think it has anything to do with his backbone or lack thereof. The truth is that the ex makes his life easier, and that is very, very important to him. He could tell her to stay away but he won't. He may still love her or not and may be sleeping with her or not. Ultimately none of that matters. She is a daily presence in his life and that's not going to change.

Based on that, you now have to make smart decisions for your girls, who have been born into a shitty situation that they didn't deserve. Whatever hopes you had for a romantic relationship with him, marriage, a lifetime of love, whatever you were thinking--that's gone. You can't be with a man who is enmeshed with another woman. He is not available.

So be smart for your girls. Treat it like a divorcefile with CMS and arrange a visitation schedule so the girls see their father, but other than that don't expect much of anything from himhe is a thoroughly inadequate man.

LifeExperience · 07/12/2024 03:17

Not sure why it struck out part of my post but that should be included.

Lwrenn · 07/12/2024 03:52

@fandm2024 many congratulations on your new beautiful babies!
I can’t imagine how tired you must be but having twins sounds wonderful!

I think you should probably end it now with the girls dad, he’s going to hold you back.
He’ll probably be able to effectively Coparent if he’s done it before.

The fact his ex has stayed in touch with his children might be she genuinely loves them or feels she did the lions share of parenting and doesn’t want them to not have that level of involved parenting. He doesn’t sound the most proactive guy, in fairness.

You have your wonderful family with your girls now, maybe he’ll surprise you by sticking around to be a useful co parent, maybe he will just leave everything to you. But either way, for your own sake, become a single parent family with your girls and just focus on that.

Brainded · 07/12/2024 06:03

What on earth made an independent woman like you with a job consider him a decent man enough to sleep with? I’m actually so incredibly intrigued?!

newname642 · 07/12/2024 07:01

When are you returning to your teaching job and what plans do you have for childcare? Nursery costs for twins will be huge.

SullysBabyMama · 07/12/2024 07:30

Userengage · 06/12/2024 23:18

It’s not about the ex not “letting him” leave, he chooses to still be with her and have her around his children.

OP you are the third wheel in this messy set up. Poor children.

Show quote history

Absolutely! I would bet my life he is texting this women saying “The kids miss you. Can you come see them?”

RubyRedBow · 07/12/2024 07:37

You met him while they were together which says a lot.

I would walk away and leave them to it. Do you act like you’re in a relationship or does he pop over to see the kids and for sex? Do you do anything as a couple? And as a family with the twins?

You deserve better. Go cold and him and arrange access and get him to start contributing financially.

Whyherewego · 07/12/2024 07:49

TheSandgroper · 07/12/2024 01:42

I swear to God, this bloke has some skill in picking his women. Par excellence.

One woman to bear him children. One women to look after said children. Another woman to bear more children who is happy he visits when they are aleep.

Ok.

1). File a CMS claim. Him being on benefits is not a you problem.
2). Get advice (from your health visitor?) about a contact schedule and stick to it. He doesn’t get to take one daughter. It’s both together or neither.
3). For contact, he is expected to provide for HIS children. Start with nappies, pram and car seat and grow to appropriate food, clothing and supervision.
3). Plan on him not sticking to it. Expect nothing.
4). Are you having sex with him? If so, stop.
5). Does he have a key? Change the locks.
6). When he comes for contact, do not provide food or drink. Do not allow him to feel comfortable.

You say he hasn’t a backbone. I have yet to meet a bloke who “grows a backbone” when he is quite comfortable. It doesn’t happen.

You are a single parent. You will always be a single parent (re him, that is). It’s time to start living that way.

This advice is excellent. Just get things in a formal footing with him. You are a single mum, you seem to be doing well and can support yourself and your girls.
This guy is not the one for you and his ex is frankly wierd.

mnreader · 07/12/2024 07:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Ensconcedinvelvet · 07/12/2024 08:00

I would just like to say that you are honestly a superstar. You are confident that you can raise TWINS completely on your own. You have seen this guy for what he is and after a little introspection you are confidently thinking "nah I don't need this" you are a proper hero! Such self worth, such quick decision making, no self-pity, just determination. I think you're actually my hero.

Mumofteenandtween · 07/12/2024 08:12

I’m trying to work out what on earth a 22 year old professional woman could have seen in a jobless 30 year old with kids by an ex and a live in partner?

Focus on your girls and your career and you will do great.

Dibbydoos · 07/12/2024 08:17

@fandm2024 congrats on the birth of your twins! A lot of work but you sound very happy and hinestly highly capable 😁

If you believe, as I do, that you are where you are meant to be, then the girls are what you wanted. I'd cut my losses with him. He was punching over his weight when he met you.

Good luck to you and the girls.💕

Pumpkinpie1 · 07/12/2024 08:23

OP the EX isn’t an EX.
This guy is stringing you both along as it boosts his ego and gives him control - so stop blaming her!
News Flash you can have an affair if you aren’t married, that’s what’s happened here you knew he was with someone, kids were involved , but didn’t let that stop your hormones raging and his ego being inflated.
He’s a deadbeat dad who likes producing kids but not supporting them.
Theres a lesson to be learnt here OP , well several . Stop lusting after other womens menfolk , Stop being so gullible and cut ties with this man.

ArgosOrArgoose · 07/12/2024 08:37

The first three months of babies are the absolute hardest, and you’ve done it pretty much single handily, with twins!!
You have already proven to yourself you don’t need him!!
You have your career, house, car and a supportive family, he has a an ex he keeps on a string because he can’t be bothered to parent his kids himself, no job and no ambition by the sounds of it.
Move closer to your family if possible, and drop this deadweight before he gets any more enmeshed in your life. If he wants to see the girls he can make an effort for a change!

You will be fine!!

LisaVanderpump1 · 07/12/2024 08:39

Ensconcedinvelvet · 07/12/2024 08:00

I would just like to say that you are honestly a superstar. You are confident that you can raise TWINS completely on your own. You have seen this guy for what he is and after a little introspection you are confidently thinking "nah I don't need this" you are a proper hero! Such self worth, such quick decision making, no self-pity, just determination. I think you're actually my hero.

Good god. I'm concerned for you if your "hero" is someone who had an affair and got pregnant by a deadbeat guy. Unless this is another level sarcasm...

WreggGallace · 07/12/2024 09:01

fandm2024 · 06/12/2024 22:45

Funny you say that sugarnspice... he doesn't work. Having the twins have made me realise a lot of things and I feel awful enough as it is, it's like I've had an epiphany to be honest 😂

I've done this whole parenting thing for 10 weeks pretty much as a single mum because he comes to my house for 4 hours in the morning (mostly when they're asleep) to go back home where his children see mine.

He claims to be a fantastic dad and that the children are his priority... I'm sort of seeing that differently now. He hasn't worked for over a year

I know you said you don't want to hear it, but you, unfortunately, are the side chick with children. He has his cake and is eating it. Please tell me you aren't still having sex with this man child who sits on his X box/ex's box all day?

Cm19841 · 07/12/2024 09:02

I made a terrible mistake having children with a man too soon. You have some advantages I think. You have your own home. Keep it that way. You are not married, keep it that way.

I would advise you to extricate yourself from the relationship as quietly, smoothly and with as little conflict as possible.

You can coparent amicably but this is not a relationship for you. Be smart.

Cm19841 · 07/12/2024 09:04

Oh he is jobless. Just like mine was. Can't keep a job, moves from one to the next because of conflict. Now works "for himself". His family are also toxic and enablers.

RUN!!!!

bevelino · 07/12/2024 09:15

Stretchanoctave · 06/12/2024 23:52

I would consider moving far away from him. You don’t want his ex getting her hands on your children too.

This scenario may well happen if OP dumps him. He may demand access to the twins and the ex will be the person taking care of them.

It seems obvious the feckless father is using his ex to help look after his children.