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Original poster

Strap in, it’s a long one… partner and ex

105 replies

fandm2024 · 06/12/2024 22:33

I’ve been with my partner for about 18 months and we recently had twin girls back in September. And I actually feel quite stupid but need some brutally honest opinions here whilst I try to be objective and non bias.

I first met him when he was still with his (now) ex, they went through a break up and we ended up getting into a relationship. I’m 24 and he’s 32 by the way and has children with another woman, not his ex. However, his ex has never left the picture, she only moved out of his house in August less than a month before the twins were born. I have my own house and he has his but the plan was to move in together but this wasn’t possible until his ex moved out for obvious reasons.

We brought the twins home to my house house initially as I needed peace and quiet and just time to settle into this new life. He coaches a football team with his ex and she is extremely involved in his children’s day to day lives and requests to have them on alternative days everyday of the week. I have expressed my feelings to him from the beginning that I found it weird and wasn’t comfortable with it as I have a feeling she has never got over him and wants to be in his life in some way or another.

Anyway, it turned out that I felt far more comfortable at my house than at his house and we came to an agreement that he would come to mine in the mornings when his other children went to school and I would take him home (most days) for the children to all see each other. However, since I’ve been at my house the ex has been at his nearly everyday ‘to see the kids and pick them up’. I then found out that they’ve been playing games on the xbox together when she has been at her house and he’s been at his house. I tried to contact him tonight regarding the girls but couldn’t get hold of him and I found out that they were, again, playing online together.

He sees absolutely no issue with it, but I can’t explain how bizarre this situation really is because it’s actually worked out that she’s seen him more than he’s seen me and the twins since they’ve been born.

Is this normal or am I being a bit naive here?

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 06/12/2024 23:06

Blimey this is a mess, with a lot of children being fucked about.

You should not have had an affair with him OP nor got pregnant 5 minutes after he left his wife, but since you now have your girls your duty is to them - get rid of him, focus on building your life up. At least he sees his kids so your children will have that, but he is a hopeless partner so you don't want him in the house so they think that's normal for a relationship.

He is having a fine old time with a bunch of women fighting over and supporting him. Leave him to his wife and wise up - you are young which is some excuse, but not if you keep being taken for a mug.

feellikeanalien · 06/12/2024 23:06

I still don't understand why his ex is so involved with his kids if she isn't their mother.

Original poster
fandm2024 · 06/12/2024 23:07

theduchessofspork · 06/12/2024 23:06

Blimey this is a mess, with a lot of children being fucked about.

You should not have had an affair with him OP nor got pregnant 5 minutes after he left his wife, but since you now have your girls your duty is to them - get rid of him, focus on building your life up. At least he sees his kids so your children will have that, but he is a hopeless partner so you don't want him in the house so they think that's normal for a relationship.

He is having a fine old time with a bunch of women fighting over and supporting him. Leave him to his wife and wise up - you are young which is some excuse, but not if you keep being taken for a mug.

I didn't have an affair and neither did he? No one is married either?

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 06/12/2024 23:10

fandm2024 · 06/12/2024 23:07

I didn't have an affair and neither did he? No one is married either?

Show quote history

Apologies - I see he had left her by the time you kicked off - the rest of it stands though - you have been daft as a brush, so get rid of him and get on with your life.

(wife/partner /whatever)

devongirl12 · 06/12/2024 23:11

feellikeanalien · 06/12/2024 23:06

I still don't understand why his ex is so involved with his kids if she isn't their mother.

Yes, I don't get this either.

She lets herself into his house to "pick the kids up"

But these kids are nothing to do with her?

Does she work? Or does she just doss about playing Xbox like him?

The whole situation is bonkers. I cannot for the life of me understand why you got yourself involved in this.

He will not leave her. And she would not let him if he tried. And I think you're being foolish to believe that nothing has happened between them since you've been together.

Checkenberger · 06/12/2024 23:15

I'd get rid. Let them play xbox all day long. Please tell me the girls have got your surname.

Original poster
fandm2024 · 06/12/2024 23:16

Checkenberger · 06/12/2024 23:15

I'd get rid. Let them play xbox all day long. Please tell me the girls have got your surname.

They do!

OP posts:
Userengage · 06/12/2024 23:18

devongirl12 · 06/12/2024 23:11

Yes, I don't get this either.

She lets herself into his house to "pick the kids up"

But these kids are nothing to do with her?

Does she work? Or does she just doss about playing Xbox like him?

The whole situation is bonkers. I cannot for the life of me understand why you got yourself involved in this.

He will not leave her. And she would not let him if he tried. And I think you're being foolish to believe that nothing has happened between them since you've been together.

Show quote history

It’s not about the ex not “letting him” leave, he chooses to still be with her and have her around his children.

OP you are the third wheel in this messy set up. Poor children.

Original poster
fandm2024 · 06/12/2024 23:19

I don't need to be made to feel guilty for having children, no matter who it's with. Like I've previously said I wouldn't change them for the entire world and I know I can bring the girls up on my own. I wanted opinions on the situation with his ex not about comments about my children

OP posts:
swimsong · 06/12/2024 23:25

feellikeanalien · 06/12/2024 23:06

I still don't understand why his ex is so involved with his kids if she isn't their mother.

We haven't been given a timeline so she may have built a good relationship with them and they love her as an alloparent. In which case there's no reason to break a healthy bond that is of benefit to both them and her. She's under no obligation to bend to the will of the OP's feelings. We know nothing of the mother and know the father is feckless - so it's possible that she's the most stable adult influence in their lives.

GoldenLegend · 06/12/2024 23:25

She not his ex. What’s more, it sounds as though he spends more time with her than with you. You’re much better off cutting ties with him, he’ll only drag you and your daughters down.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 06/12/2024 23:30

fandm2024 · 06/12/2024 23:19

I don't need to be made to feel guilty for having children, no matter who it's with. Like I've previously said I wouldn't change them for the entire world and I know I can bring the girls up on my own. I wanted opinions on the situation with his ex not about comments about my children

Can you move closer to your mum so you have more support then start making arrangements for the twins dad …. Not even worthy of the title partner to have them once or twice overnight

It is much better to make this separation permanent now while the kids don’t understand than wait till they get used to seeing siblings everyday

You need to protect your girls from this toxic situation

SicParvisMagna · 06/12/2024 23:31

Hey Op congrats on your bubbas. My first piece of advice is do not put him on the birth certificate. It's not worth a deadbeat like this having parental responsibility. Trust me, I speak sadly from experience.
It sounds like the scales have fallen from your eyes and you're seeing this guy for what and who he truly is. Weird situation with his ex aside, he sounds like a waste of space and it sounds like you can do far better.
End the relationship and sort of visitation etc. but otherwise chalk it up to a bad experience, albeit with two beautiful outcomes. Enjoy your girls, and be the best mum you can. The rest sounds like a headache you do NOT need!
All the best!

theduchessofspork · 06/12/2024 23:32

fandm2024 · 06/12/2024 23:19

I don't need to be made to feel guilty for having children, no matter who it's with. Like I've previously said I wouldn't change them for the entire world and I know I can bring the girls up on my own. I wanted opinions on the situation with his ex not about comments about my children

Your children are the most important people in this situation though

This situation with their father is very bad for them, that's why people are referring to them when they're telling you to clean up this mess and get rid of him.

I am sure you will go on to be a good mother, but bringing children into this situation is not a good start - children do best in stable situations, ideally with two parents with a long term commitment to each other. There's no point feeling guilty, but you need to face the fact you have made some poor choices that your daughters will have to live with, so you can move forward from this and avoid doing it again.

SleepPrettyDarling · 06/12/2024 23:33

Marriage or not to the mothers of his children, he has two families and lodges himself where and when it suits.

I don’t understand how he can’t work to support - is it four? - children he has by the age of 32.

LittleGreenDragons · 06/12/2024 23:36

However, I am now seeing the situation for how it really is, he's not got a backbone and can't tell her to back off for whatever reason.

I'm sorry OP but it's not about lack of backbone regarding her as it is obvious he actively wants her there, in his life, in his home, in his children's life. The person who he doesn't particularly want, and doesn't have the backbone to get rid of, is you. Please find your own backbone and get rid. He's useless as a partner, and I suspect he is useless as a father - which might explain why he keeps his ex by his side as she is a free childminder.

Original poster
fandm2024 · 06/12/2024 23:38

LittleGreenDragons · 06/12/2024 23:36

However, I am now seeing the situation for how it really is, he's not got a backbone and can't tell her to back off for whatever reason.

I'm sorry OP but it's not about lack of backbone regarding her as it is obvious he actively wants her there, in his life, in his home, in his children's life. The person who he doesn't particularly want, and doesn't have the backbone to get rid of, is you. Please find your own backbone and get rid. He's useless as a partner, and I suspect he is useless as a father - which might explain why he keeps his ex by his side as she is a free childminder.

You're 100% correct, she's there at the drop of a hat. Says it all really doesn't it

OP posts:
Stretchanoctave · 06/12/2024 23:52

I would consider moving far away from him. You don’t want his ex getting her hands on your children too.

allthatfalafel · 07/12/2024 00:10

That you chose not to live together before your got pregnant, after you got pregnant, or after you gave birth and you don't feel comfortable at his says it all really. Relationship is going nowhere, you're fine with moving on.

Uol2022 · 07/12/2024 00:19

Sounds like a bit of a mess but what’s also coming through is that you’re totally fine on your own. You’ve got a good job, home, family support and confidence. Forget men and romance, focus on building female friendships and enjoying your kids. The most concerning part of this is that he’ll want to keep being involved and that means she’ll be involved in your kids lives, as weird as that is.

SpryCat · 07/12/2024 00:27

Your partner was still enmeshed with his ex when you met him and she never left and still wants him back, I wouldn’t be surprised if they were about to reconcile but he then met you and walked away without a care. He has lied to you about seeing her because he loves the attention it feeds his ego. He knows you are not happy he is spending lots of time with her but as you’re busy with the babies he sees nothing wrong with her keeping him company, he is only concerned about his needs. He hasn’t contributed towards your babies and he won’t step up, he is a man child. I would dump him and be a single mum as he is not going to change.

SpryCat · 07/12/2024 00:46

You have started to see him as he is and as a new mum you can see he is not a great partner, I think he will go back to her and try to ping pong back to you so your both playing the pick me game. You are financially independent with lots of family support so I would break it off, don’t get sucked back into his triangle, you are doing fine on your own as it is and enjoy your babies. It would be hell always wondering what they are up to for the rest of your life and YOU are worth more.

Juiceinacup · 07/12/2024 00:49

She is not your problem, he is, honestly can’t you see he’s a waste of space, let her have him he’s not a prize worth winning and get out of this shit show. He’s not going to be able to provide any financial support on benefits with other kids already so it’s all going to be on you, Childcare costs for twins is going to make it impossible for you to go back to work unless you have family support. Good luck, you’ve made some very bad choices and now you’re attached to this deadbeat through your children for the rest of their childhood.

SpryCat · 07/12/2024 00:58

Juiceinacup · 07/12/2024 00:49

She is not your problem, he is, honestly can’t you see he’s a waste of space, let her have him he’s not a prize worth winning and get out of this shit show. He’s not going to be able to provide any financial support on benefits with other kids already so it’s all going to be on you, Childcare costs for twins is going to make it impossible for you to go back to work unless you have family support. Good luck, you’ve made some very bad choices and now you’re attached to this deadbeat through your children for the rest of their childhood.

I agree 🖕 He is the problem and she is doing you a big favour because you can see him for what he is! He can’t support the twins, you can and are doing it all anyway.

H112 · 07/12/2024 01:11

Girl. 18 months in and you've twins together 😬