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Original poster

Cannot mentally cope with relationship while dealing with this bombshell

124 replies

Cindystarshell · 05/12/2024 15:32

Nc for this one

I've been seeing someone for about 6 and months we are exclusive.

I'm due to see him this weekend however this week I've literally had some mind blowing , life changing news which affects myself and family.

It's huge and like something from a film I feel like my life is very surreal atm
Currently living in survival mode

The issue is I can't tell him what this is as I've been asked not to tell anyone else while the main family member involved ( my 25 year old son ) processes this news.

My son has been been tracked down by someone far away telling him he is biological father of a child in another country, the mum has died and she only told one other person the details of the biological child that none of us know nothing about. The child is currently in a foster home.

We have immediately got a family solicitor and are trying our hardest to get a dna test sorted as quickly as possible and my son is trying to find out his rights in getting access to his child.

I can't say anymore

The issue is I really do not have the head space to give to the man I am seeing atm, I love him but I can't.

Please advise me on what to say to him in regards to my situation without him being left thinking I am just dumping him and fobbing him off.

This is so difficult as I've been asked not to tell anyone about this by my son other than his father none else knows.

I need to respect my sons wishes in keeping this confidential and at the same time tell this man I love a reason why I cannot be in a relationship atm

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 05/12/2024 15:35

Family crisis usually covers it

Original poster
Cindystarshell · 05/12/2024 15:36

Octavia64 · 05/12/2024 15:35

Family crisis usually covers it

Yes I initially would of said this..do u feel this is enough?

OP posts:
Alibababandthe40sheets · 05/12/2024 15:40

Why do you feel you cannot tell him?

It doesn’t seem like something that needs to be kept secret from your partner. Maybe if your son has a partner he might want to wait before telling them but you are removed enough to just get support from your partner.

I am quite an open person though so I understand not everyone is but I don’t think saying family crisis is really say much.

Original poster
Cindystarshell · 05/12/2024 15:43

Alibababandthe40sheets · 05/12/2024 15:40

Why do you feel you cannot tell him?

It doesn’t seem like something that needs to be kept secret from your partner. Maybe if your son has a partner he might want to wait before telling them but you are removed enough to just get support from your partner.

I am quite an open person though so I understand not everyone is but I don’t think saying family crisis is really say much.

I cannot tell him as it is not my news to share , my loyalty lies with my son. He has asked me not to speak to anyone other than his father about it so I won't. We also live in a very tight knit community where everyone knows ows everyone he's not ready for other to know about this, he doesn't know my partner very well and feels like he doesn't know knkw him well enough to trust him with such highly confidential information which is fair enough

OP posts:
CatDays · 05/12/2024 15:45

You’ve just had some seismic family news and can’t in fairness continue a relationship while you are processing this event. You have been asked not to share the details for now but go on to assure him that it is nothing to do with him and that you have very much enjoyed the past 6 months etc etc. Leave the door open for when things either calm down, or you can share it with others?

SensibleSigma · 05/12/2024 15:46

Sorry mate, we’ve got a huge family crisis underway. I can’t explain yet, but am really looking forward to a hug next time, when we’ve worked out what’s going on.

Sidebeforeself · 05/12/2024 15:48

Im not sure why it means you cant continue in a relationship? Completely understand your mind is elsewhere etc but I dont see why it has to end.

daisychain01 · 05/12/2024 15:49

Does your son know within reasonable doubt that the child is his? Maybe I'm cynical, but could it be a scam?

Re explaining yourself to someone you've been seeing for 6 months, it depends on how confident you are that the relationship is sound and that the person is going to support you through thick and thin without judgement.

My first point links to the 2nd because the sooner you can establish if the situation is real, you'll know whether to break things off.

It seems like an over reaction eg if it turns out to be a scam

TheMixedGirl · 05/12/2024 15:50

I still don't get why you have to end it if you love him so much. Seems a tad dramatic.

Original poster
Cindystarshell · 05/12/2024 15:50

Sidebeforeself · 05/12/2024 15:48

Im not sure why it means you cant continue in a relationship? Completely understand your mind is elsewhere etc but I dont see why it has to end.

I'm not saying I want to end it completely, however I am due to see him this weekend and I definitely will not be able to do that. I need to be with my son whose mental health is not good right now. I'm also not going to be very present when I'm with him right now as my mind is all over the shop

OP posts:
helpfulperson · 05/12/2024 15:51

I would say that you are supporting your son with a major crisis and that you aren't available to see him right now but will be in touch in a few days.

loropianalover · 05/12/2024 15:51

You wrote several paragraphs about the ‘big event’ which makes it seem like you want to blow it up as much as possible to justify not wanting to be in the relationship anymore. No need to answer in depth here, but do you often push people away or sometimes look for reasons to ruin things for yourself? Do you struggle to balance relationships or more than one thing at a time?

If you don’t want to be in the relationship because you can’t cope with too much at once, then just be honest and say that. But it’s not true that you ‘can’t’ be in a relationship because of this new revelation.

Original poster
Cindystarshell · 05/12/2024 15:53

daisychain01 · 05/12/2024 15:49

Does your son know within reasonable doubt that the child is his? Maybe I'm cynical, but could it be a scam?

Re explaining yourself to someone you've been seeing for 6 months, it depends on how confident you are that the relationship is sound and that the person is going to support you through thick and thin without judgement.

My first point links to the 2nd because the sooner you can establish if the situation is real, you'll know whether to break things off.

It seems like an over reaction eg if it turns out to be a scam

Hi it's definitely not a scam solicitors have been in contact with local authority where the child is living this week.
We've had it all properly checked out.
Son has worked out the dates, it's very likely it is his child. He was in a full on relationship with the woman and then she moved away and cut him off. I've met her she was real

OP posts:
loropianalover · 05/12/2024 15:53

Cindystarshell · 05/12/2024 15:50

I'm not saying I want to end it completely, however I am due to see him this weekend and I definitely will not be able to do that. I need to be with my son whose mental health is not good right now. I'm also not going to be very present when I'm with him right now as my mind is all over the shop

Show quote history

You said you need a reason to tell the man you leave why you can’t be in a relationship atm. That sounds like you want to break up with him? Why can’t you just tell him you’ve had a family crisis and won’t be free this week, you’ll check in on X date?

This news is huge today but you should acclimatise very quickly and your son can’t hide this forever.

Snoken · 05/12/2024 15:54

It's a little odd that you can only focus on this one thing. It's big news but you don't even know if it's true yet and if it is it will change your life to some extent but you should be able to date someone and deal with this too. If this weekend is too full on with your son just say that and then see your boyfriend the week after when things have settled somewhat.

MissMoneyFairy · 05/12/2024 15:54

Can you just tell him you're not feeling well, is the child likely to be your sobs. Does he definitely know the mother. Who contacted him.

WinterBones · 05/12/2024 15:55

Why are you agonising over this, good grief.

just tell him something has happened with your family and you need to deal with the fall out this weekend, so you're sorry, but can you rearrange to see him another time.

If he presses, you just say it's some private business of your sons you can't share, but you need to put him first this weekend and he needs you.

Stop making a mountain out of a molehill. You aren't dumping him, just rearranging some social time.

Sidebeforeself · 05/12/2024 15:56

I must admit, whilst this is big news to take in, it’s not the massive issue I thought it was going to be. I thought you were going to say someone had been murdered or somehing!

daisychain01 · 05/12/2024 15:57

CatDays · 05/12/2024 15:45

You’ve just had some seismic family news and can’t in fairness continue a relationship while you are processing this event. You have been asked not to share the details for now but go on to assure him that it is nothing to do with him and that you have very much enjoyed the past 6 months etc etc. Leave the door open for when things either calm down, or you can share it with others?

That to me would seem like a fluffy way of finishing with him.

Leaving the door open sounds like the OP keeping their options open. If I was the bloke I'd say nice knowing you (thanks for the elaborate excuse) and goodbye.

Far better to be really clear from the get-go and not mess them around.

Waterboatlass · 05/12/2024 16:01

What about deciding some headlines so he knows you're not withdrawing for good or because of him and he has a vague idea what it isn't so he knows how to reach (I e. Doesn't think you're ill)?

-something very complicated has come up regarding one of my closest family members
-Not in the sense that anyone is ill or involved in any wrongdoing on either side but they do wish for it to be kept confidential
-It's difficult because I want to respect that without shutting you out
-i will keep you posted as best I can, but I will be quite actively supporting them which may take up quite a bit of attention
-i wouldn't want you to think I was losing interest but I may have to focus elsewhere for a bit

I think you may have to accept if it's a new relationship it may bite the dust but if you're as clear as can be that it's unavoidable and not to do with him then its more likely you can pick back up when free again. I wouldn't try to balance everything or break your son's confidence.

Original poster
Cindystarshell · 05/12/2024 16:02

loropianalover · 05/12/2024 15:51

You wrote several paragraphs about the ‘big event’ which makes it seem like you want to blow it up as much as possible to justify not wanting to be in the relationship anymore. No need to answer in depth here, but do you often push people away or sometimes look for reasons to ruin things for yourself? Do you struggle to balance relationships or more than one thing at a time?

If you don’t want to be in the relationship because you can’t cope with too much at once, then just be honest and say that. But it’s not true that you ‘can’t’ be in a relationship because of this new revelation.

Hi thank you for this. I do have adhd so maybe I am struggling to cope with both at once

OP posts:
Original poster
Cindystarshell · 05/12/2024 16:03

Waterboatlass · 05/12/2024 16:01

What about deciding some headlines so he knows you're not withdrawing for good or because of him and he has a vague idea what it isn't so he knows how to reach (I e. Doesn't think you're ill)?

-something very complicated has come up regarding one of my closest family members
-Not in the sense that anyone is ill or involved in any wrongdoing on either side but they do wish for it to be kept confidential
-It's difficult because I want to respect that without shutting you out
-i will keep you posted as best I can, but I will be quite actively supporting them which may take up quite a bit of attention
-i wouldn't want you to think I was losing interest but I may have to focus elsewhere for a bit

I think you may have to accept if it's a new relationship it may bite the dust but if you're as clear as can be that it's unavoidable and not to do with him then its more likely you can pick back up when free again. I wouldn't try to balance everything or break your son's confidence.

Thank you so much for this reply it has been so helpful

OP posts:
Waterboatlass · 05/12/2024 16:03

Essentially see how it pans out as long as it's still nice but as soon as it gets too much have a further convo. He may turn out a good support, may not. Don't worry too much. Sometimes timing is off.

Starlight1979 · 05/12/2024 16:05

I need to respect my sons wishes in keeping this confidential and at the same time tell this man I love a reason why I cannot be in a relationship atm

Am I missing something? Why can't you have a relationship because your Son has found out he has a child? Yes it's a big deal and life changing for him, but not sure why you would end a relationship with someone you love over it?!?!

researchers3 · 05/12/2024 16:06

I would not be ending a relationship with someone I loved over this.

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