Cannot mentally cope with relationship while dealing with this bombshell

[Cindystarshell]

Nc for this one

I've been seeing someone for about 6 and months we are exclusive.

I'm due to see him this weekend however this week I've literally had some mind blowing , life changing news which affects myself and family.

It's huge and like something from a film I feel like my life is very surreal atm
Currently living in survival mode

The issue is I can't tell him what this is as I've been asked not to tell anyone else while the main family member involved ( my 25 year old son ) processes this news.

My son has been been tracked down by someone far away telling him he is biological father of a child in another country, the mum has died and she only told one other person the details of the biological child that none of us know nothing about. The child is currently in a foster home.

We have immediately got a family solicitor and are trying our hardest to get a dna test sorted as quickly as possible and my son is trying to find out his rights in getting access to his child.

I can't say anymore

The issue is I really do not have the head space to give to the man I am seeing atm, I love him but I can't.

Please advise me on what to say to him in regards to my situation without him being left thinking I am just dumping him and fobbing him off.

This is so difficult as I've been asked not to tell anyone about this by my son other than his father none else knows.

I need to respect my sons wishes in keeping this confidential and at the same time tell this man I love a reason why I cannot be in a relationship atm

Yes I am

Would your son be happy knowing your relationship broke down because you couldn't share the news?
I wouldn't.

I don't understand why he won't share the news anyway, its not like he did something wrong🙄

Not saying he should do it alone just that his mother doesn’t need to have a meltdown over it.

It's called trust confidentiality and loyalty. Prob why I have had the same friends since I was 2 years old. I am highly trustworthy if someone asks me not to say something. I don't he's my son for goodness sake enough if the judge eye rolls. He needs time to process this himself before the whole world know . What's so difficult to understand about that?

I think it's unfair of your son to stop you from telling your partner.
I get that his reason is he doesn't know your dp very well but YOU DO, and he knows you.

You're basically vouching for your partner by the fact that you love him and trust him yourself.

It's taking away a source of support that could be very helpful and important to you right now.

I don't understand also why it's so confidential, it's not a crime to have a child, your ds hasn't done anything wrong.

No one suggested to speak behind his back.

YOU need to explain your son, that this secretive bollocks might end your relationship. Really wasn't that hard to get from my post. Even with ADHD.

Kindly, try to take it a day at a time. Yes, it's been a shock, obviously, but it's not going to get sorted out overnight,

Break it into stages. Start with the DNA test. It might not be true that he's the father, so thinking about all the other component parts later down the line might be a complete and utter waste of time.

If your son turns out to be the father, then surely that will give him decent grounds to meet the child and decide if he is going to be responsible for him/her? I know authorities don't tend to act quickly, but I doubt there's any merit for them in keeping a motherless child in care when they have identified the dad? I don't know if there's checks to be done on your son. I assume they won't just hand the child over willy nilly based on genetics?

Does the mother have any living relatives?

And if you do have a "long fight", then it gives you all a chance to breathe deeply and come to terms with the new reality, to make plans and to prepare. Presumably the child is in care, which may not be ideal, but they're safe and looked after?

I think if you push your boyfriend away entirely, you run the risk of losing him. If he's a good man, he will be there for you and you may be glad of his support and love in the months to come.

You're doing great @Cindystarshell .
Major emotional crisis, as someone said grandchild alone and bereaved in another country, you want to do your best for your son and your grandchild. You are dealing with it and clearing the decks so you can give it your all and support your son.
Very very best of luck and I really hope everyone concerned comes out OK, not least you.
Just to repeat; you are doing brilliantly.

Just say that your son’s having a tough time and he needs you right now. That you’re sorry, and you hope he can be patient but you just need to focus on your son just now and you’ll be in touch soon. I don’t think you need to be overly dramatic.

I get it but the child isn't alone. It's not what anyone would want but being brutal about it, they're in this situation because their mother chose not to tell your son that he had a child, and did not give them the chance to have a relationship. That's a pretty big thing. Do you know why she might have done that? Could it have been because the baby was not his? Or she didn't know who the father was?

A week ago (or whatever) you didn't know this child existed. S/he was in the same situation then; you just didn't know.

And although the details tie up, how do you know the mother didn't have unprotected sex with someone other than your son?

I agree. I have a 25 year old and I'd heart and soul be there for support. Not to do it for them but to support.

Where’s your trust confidentiality and loyalty to your partner?

If your loyalties are divided, you need to set boundaries with each.

Exactly. Until the dna test everything is theoretical.

A lot of people on this site seem to think that, at 18, you go, "job done", and shove them out in the world to look after themselves.

Those of us in the real world know that it doesn't work like that.

Your son is lucky to have you in his corner, but try not to let it consume you either x

To be fair, I think most mothers' first loyalty will be to their child albeit an adult one, before a man she's been a relationship for 6 months.

I actually think most mothers' first loyalty will always be to their child, full stop.

So you would abandon your 22 year old to their own devices in a difficult situation?

I'm sure they would find that most reassuring.

I think your son is being rather unfair banning you from sharing this with your partner, especially as there’s a chance it may end your relationship. If I was involved with someone and they started to give me vague excuses about family crises, but wouldn’t elaborate, I’d think they were losing interest. How will you feel if the child turns out not to be your son’s, but by then your relationship has fizzled out?

It’s a shock to your son but it’s a shock to you too. Is your son’s Dad in a relationship? I bet he’s not keeping it a secret from her.

Bloody hell ..so according o OP theres lots of “man haters “ on here and another poster making snide comments and assumptions about people without children. How charming.

Family crisis and I’m needed atm. That’s perfectly reasonable.

Tell your son to progress carefully, I hope this isn’t a scam. See you’ve got a lawyer involved which is good but still tread carefully.

This.

Wishing you well.

If he's a normal, decent man, he'll say spme variation on -
he hopes it will work out,
maybe ask if anyone has been injured or is seriously unwell, or
offer whatever support you need.

I don't mean to sound glib but he may not remotely notice that your mind is elsewhere.

I would go out, keep it light, keep it short and say that there's a lot going on at home with the kids, with work and the rest and you don't want a late night. Have some fun and take your mind off things a bit. It will take some time to play out.

Or
Simply say, something has come up with the kids and I have to postpone I'm sorry and I was looking forward to it. Will be in touch next week with a new date.
And spend the evening with your son.

Has he [your son] any support when you say his mental health is suffering? Is it the existence of a child and what that means for his future, the death of his former partner or a pre-existing issue which this is not helping?
If the first, then some practical information about options and costs that you and your Ex [?] can put together may help. Ultimately though, unless he puts his child up for adoption his life is going to change significantly and that is going to take a while to adjust to.

Agree.

I think you have to tell him that you have had some big news to do with a close member of your family, that for the moment, you are unable to share because you have promised confidentiality, and that you hope he will trust you that if you are a bit distracted it's not him, and once you are able to share with him, you will.

Don't make a big drama or mystery.

But also-why not carry on seeing him?

You and your son are dong all the right things in response to the news, you can't do more than that...and keep listening to your son, and working out how to go forwards.

It might be good to take your mind off it.

And good to see whether he trusts you and supports you unconditionally.

You have absolutely not idea of hecwill think you’re a burden or whatever.
Actually if he is a nice man, he should understand that you’re not in the right frame of mind and accept that.

And you can explain. A family crisis is an explanation and actually describes well what’s going on.

For whatever reason, you seem to think this guy won’t be able to accept he isn’t coming first and foremost in your life. Before anyone else.
So you are trying to guess his behaviour assuming that.
But there is no reason for him to be like this.

You’ve been seeing a man for a few months and feel like you have to dump him because your DS might have a child? I must be missing something here. You can still see him, and not tell him your DSs news specifically.