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Original poster

Cannot mentally cope with relationship while dealing with this bombshell

124 replies

Cindystarshell · 05/12/2024 15:32

Nc for this one

I've been seeing someone for about 6 and months we are exclusive.

I'm due to see him this weekend however this week I've literally had some mind blowing , life changing news which affects myself and family.

It's huge and like something from a film I feel like my life is very surreal atm
Currently living in survival mode

The issue is I can't tell him what this is as I've been asked not to tell anyone else while the main family member involved ( my 25 year old son ) processes this news.

My son has been been tracked down by someone far away telling him he is biological father of a child in another country, the mum has died and she only told one other person the details of the biological child that none of us know nothing about. The child is currently in a foster home.

We have immediately got a family solicitor and are trying our hardest to get a dna test sorted as quickly as possible and my son is trying to find out his rights in getting access to his child.

I can't say anymore

The issue is I really do not have the head space to give to the man I am seeing atm, I love him but I can't.

Please advise me on what to say to him in regards to my situation without him being left thinking I am just dumping him and fobbing him off.

This is so difficult as I've been asked not to tell anyone about this by my son other than his father none else knows.

I need to respect my sons wishes in keeping this confidential and at the same time tell this man I love a reason why I cannot be in a relationship atm

OP posts:
Original poster
Cindystarshell · 05/12/2024 16:07

Starlight1979 · 05/12/2024 16:05

I need to respect my sons wishes in keeping this confidential and at the same time tell this man I love a reason why I cannot be in a relationship atm

Am I missing something? Why can't you have a relationship because your Son has found out he has a child? Yes it's a big deal and life changing for him, but not sure why you would end a relationship with someone you love over it?!?!

I really don't know if I'm honest my heads a mess and all my energy is going towards dealing with solicitors, authorities, my son, work and other children I have.
I may have jumped the gun as in he would have been the first to go as I just can't I ago e sitting with him talking to him , not being present and not being able to tell him why. It feels alot right now.

OP posts:
SnackQueen · 05/12/2024 16:09

Why add so much drama here? Just cancel this weekend and explain that you need to deal with a family drama and help your son with something big that has happened in his life. He'll understand. You don't need to make any changes to the relationship or self impose fences or barriers right now as you really don't know how this is going to pan out. I'm still very dubious about all this though. Scams these days are so clever and lab and legal paperwork is so easy to fake.

Original poster
Cindystarshell · 05/12/2024 16:09

researchers3 · 05/12/2024 16:06

I would not be ending a relationship with someone I loved over this.

I think I feel it will also burden him . As I won't be my normal self and I just feel maybe it's too early to do that. With the additional not being able to explain to him what it is feels a big challenge to me

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 05/12/2024 16:10

“My son is having a major crisis and he has asked me not to share the details. It’s honestly thrown me into crisis mode as well and I’m not going to be able to focus on anything else for a bit. I hate to cancel on you, but I need to focus on my family right now. I promise to fill you in as soon as I can.”

Original poster
Cindystarshell · 05/12/2024 16:11

Ponderingwindow · 05/12/2024 16:10

“My son is having a major crisis and he has asked me not to share the details. It’s honestly thrown me into crisis mode as well and I’m not going to be able to focus on anything else for a bit. I hate to cancel on you, but I need to focus on my family right now. I promise to fill you in as soon as I can.”

Thank you . I struggle to put things into words at times , I have adhd .

OP posts:
ThatTealViewer · 05/12/2024 16:11

Ponderingwindow · 05/12/2024 16:10

“My son is having a major crisis and he has asked me not to share the details. It’s honestly thrown me into crisis mode as well and I’m not going to be able to focus on anything else for a bit. I hate to cancel on you, but I need to focus on my family right now. I promise to fill you in as soon as I can.”

This.

OP, with kindness, you’re being unnecessarily dramatic. Send a calm explanation. Then crack on. There’s no need for any extreme measures.

Franjipanl8r · 05/12/2024 16:11

Tell him you’re poorly while you calm down for a few days.

Sidebeforeself · 05/12/2024 16:12

@Cindystarshell i think you need to tell him you have a family issue and let him have a say in what happens next for both of you. It’s his relationship too and he might welcome the chance to support you through it. Or he might decide it’s too much. Either way you’ll know.

Mymanyellow · 05/12/2024 16:13

I think you’re being overly dramatic. Just say somethings come up and you can’t see him this weekend. If he asks what say your sorry but it’s not your story to tell.

Lastbushome24 · 05/12/2024 16:14

I think you should calm down and take a deep breath. Maybe call it off this weekend and see him next weekend instead.

I know someone this happened to and the dna test showed the child was not his. Everyone was convinced it was and it caused a lot of upset but at least the truth was out once and for all. I would wait and see for now. I also understand you don’t want to burden the guy you are with so you can tell him the outline but leave out the details and don’t make a big drama about it. Just say you are helping your son sort things out.

museumum · 05/12/2024 16:14

I'm really sorry but my son needs me, I have to cancel this weekend and concentrate on him. I can't share the details with you right now, I hope you understand. I'll be in touch as soon as I can to rearrange.

(Unless of course you do want to finish the relationship, but that seems like a bit of a dramatic decision based on your ds needing your support a bit).

TheaBrandt · 05/12/2024 16:15

All very strange. In the grand scheme of things it’s not that bad. I thought it was going to be the son has a terminal diagnosis or something. You sound abit of drama queen sorry.

Lavenderfarmcottage · 05/12/2024 16:17

It has been 6 months and you’re exclusive, hearts are on the line and emotional investments have been made.

I don’t think it’s a mature way to handle this. If you were married or very serious you would face this together. It might be a test of your relationship but he should be someone to lean on. While it might not be at this stage yet, of leaning on him, I don’t think backing off too much is reasonable in a mature relationship.

I dont think you need to tell him what is going on yet, its the backing off that’s troubling. I think at some point you’ll need to tell your partner. How would you feel in his shoes ?

Gwenhwyfar · 05/12/2024 16:17

Franjipanl8r · 05/12/2024 16:11

Tell him you’re poorly while you calm down for a few days.

If my bf lied to me about being ill to avoid seeing me and I found out, that would definitely be the end of us!

Kbroughton · 05/12/2024 16:18

I find this all a bit odd. In summary - you cant see your boyfriend this weekend. Just tell him. I don't see why you cant tell him the whole thing but respect you don't want to, so it's just that you have a family emergency and can't see him this weekend, but will call him in the week. You have no idea how this is going to pan out but I don't see how your son possibly having a child in another country will mean that you can never see this man again. You don't know how much support he will need but likelihood is he will need initial support then support in fits and bursts. Maybe it will be too much but it's nothing you need to decide now. I hope everything works out and good luck.

madaboutpurple · 05/12/2024 16:20

If you finish with him you could very well regret that decision. You could tell him some basic info that your son needs a lot of help. Must admit it is a time like this when friends/lovers are needed. It all seems high drama. Eventually it will either be the case that your son takes on a child or he will not. I really do not see what the outcome is if you do decide to finish with someone you are very fond of.

Jagoda · 05/12/2024 16:20

TheaBrandt · 05/12/2024 16:15

All very strange. In the grand scheme of things it’s not that bad. I thought it was going to be the son has a terminal diagnosis or something. You sound abit of drama queen sorry.

I agree. Your DS is 25 so old enough to sort out the process himself. You only need to support.

Why does this mean you can’t maintain your relationship? Sure, don’t see him this weekend if you really can’t face it, but beyond that, I can’t see the problem.

Sidebeforeself · 05/12/2024 16:21

And i bet, even if you did tell him he really wouldnt see it as a major drama.

WinterCrow · 05/12/2024 16:24

Starlight1979 · 05/12/2024 16:05

I need to respect my sons wishes in keeping this confidential and at the same time tell this man I love a reason why I cannot be in a relationship atm

Am I missing something? Why can't you have a relationship because your Son has found out he has a child? Yes it's a big deal and life changing for him, but not sure why you would end a relationship with someone you love over it?!?!

It's one of the 'curses' and the 'gifts' of some presentations of AD(H)D - you can become overwhelmed with hyper-focus on one thing at a time and everything else falls away.

Doggymummar · 05/12/2024 16:26

It all seems very dramatic, your son is an adult, I get you want to support him. Does he live at home or something so you can't hide it from your boyfriend? I would just be saying look mate, there's some weird stuff going on at home, you are very welcome to come, I have been looking forward to seeing you, just know the atmosphere might feel a bit off.

MissMoneyFairy · 05/12/2024 16:27

Would it be easier to focus on whether or not the claim is true first. Who contacted your son if no one knew about the child. How did they have his contact details. What does your son say.

AccountantMum · 05/12/2024 16:28

If you can't see him this weekend just tell him why without the details you don't want to share (as in your son is not in a good place and you need to be with him) - and see him the next week? Although you may find on the weekend you do have a few hours free and it might be nice to get out?

There will probably be a point in a few weeks that you will be able to explain what has happened and I don't think not seeing you for one weekend would end the relationship as long as you let him know?

If you like him, while it is a surprise, having a grandchild shouldn't prevent you having a relationship.

Patterncarmen · 05/12/2024 16:29

helpfulperson · 05/12/2024 15:51

I would say that you are supporting your son with a major crisis and that you aren't available to see him right now but will be in touch in a few days.

Yeah, if the person you are seeing cares about you, they will understand this.

daisychain01 · 05/12/2024 16:30

Not suggesting you stop supporting your son but you taking on solicitor interactions etc is not giving your son agency to deal with the situation he is responsible for. Character forming stuff and it makes him take ownership as an adult. You can't protect him from life forever. Let him deal with it so he fully understands the consequences of his actions

Mirabai · 05/12/2024 16:30

Cindystarshell · 05/12/2024 16:07

I really don't know if I'm honest my heads a mess and all my energy is going towards dealing with solicitors, authorities, my son, work and other children I have.
I may have jumped the gun as in he would have been the first to go as I just can't I ago e sitting with him talking to him , not being present and not being able to tell him why. It feels alot right now.

Show quote history

So this is not really this issue. It’s that you have a lot of other things going on and can’t cope with a relationship right now. That’s ok. It’s not about your son though. And your son’s issue isn’t yours to sort. Either he’s the parent of a child or he’s not. He will deal with it.