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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cannot mentally cope with relationship while dealing with this bombshell

124 replies

Cindystarshell · 05/12/2024 15:32

Nc for this one

I've been seeing someone for about 6 and months we are exclusive.

I'm due to see him this weekend however this week I've literally had some mind blowing , life changing news which affects myself and family.

It's huge and like something from a film I feel like my life is very surreal atm
Currently living in survival mode

The issue is I can't tell him what this is as I've been asked not to tell anyone else while the main family member involved ( my 25 year old son ) processes this news.

My son has been been tracked down by someone far away telling him he is biological father of a child in another country, the mum has died and she only told one other person the details of the biological child that none of us know nothing about. The child is currently in a foster home.

We have immediately got a family solicitor and are trying our hardest to get a dna test sorted as quickly as possible and my son is trying to find out his rights in getting access to his child.

I can't say anymore

The issue is I really do not have the head space to give to the man I am seeing atm, I love him but I can't.

Please advise me on what to say to him in regards to my situation without him being left thinking I am just dumping him and fobbing him off.

This is so difficult as I've been asked not to tell anyone about this by my son other than his father none else knows.

I need to respect my sons wishes in keeping this confidential and at the same time tell this man I love a reason why I cannot be in a relationship atm

OP posts:
Mirabai · 05/12/2024 16:32

daisychain01 · 05/12/2024 16:30

Not suggesting you stop supporting your son but you taking on solicitor interactions etc is not giving your son agency to deal with the situation he is responsible for. Character forming stuff and it makes him take ownership as an adult. You can't protect him from life forever. Let him deal with it so he fully understands the consequences of his actions

This. He’s a 25 year old man he can sort dna tests and solicitors for himself.

AppropriateAdult · 05/12/2024 16:34

I think, OP, that you are imagining that the way you feel today is the way you're going to feel in a week or a month's time. It's not. You will all adjust very quickly to this new knowledge and be able to focus on other things again soon.

I'd just postpone your plans for this weekend - "Sorry love, Max is having a bit of a crisis and I want to be here to support him" - and play it by ear after that.

romdowa · 05/12/2024 16:35

TheaBrandt · 05/12/2024 16:15

All very strange. In the grand scheme of things it’s not that bad. I thought it was going to be the son has a terminal diagnosis or something. You sound abit of drama queen sorry.

I was thinking that too. While it's a bit of a shock, it surely can't be a massive heart breaking event.

Daleksatemyshed · 05/12/2024 16:36

I understand that you're completely focused on your DS situation at the moment but do you have any idea how long the DNA test results will take? If you're not going to have an answer for some time, and don't feel able to see this man until you do, then he may well feel you're no longer interested in him.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 05/12/2024 16:36

"Sorry love but can we call a rain check on this weekend. I'm not feeling very well and something stressful has just popped up. I'd love to tell you about it when it's all blown over though. See you next weekend?"

WinterCrow · 05/12/2024 16:37

I don't think OP is being 'over dramatic' - I think she's got 'ADHD overwhelm'. It's temporary, but can last days or even a week or two.

I think posters have offered some very good advice on what she might say to the man she is seeing though.

@Cindystarshell (OP), I'd send him one of the messages suggested here, but do stress you aren't losing interest in him (if that's true).

Btw does he know you have ADHD? Does he understand what that means?

adriftinadenofvipers · 05/12/2024 16:39

Cindystarshell · 05/12/2024 15:50

I'm not saying I want to end it completely, however I am due to see him this weekend and I definitely will not be able to do that. I need to be with my son whose mental health is not good right now. I'm also not going to be very present when I'm with him right now as my mind is all over the shop

Show quote history

Maybe it would do you good to spend time with this man and get a bit of a break from all the angst?

Can't you paraphrase a little? If you love the man, are you ready to risk the relationship altogether? Six months isn't very long but don't you think he is likely to feel rejected? How would you feel if it was the other way round?

I don't know why you can't just tell him that there's a family crisis, that means you having to support another family member but that the person doesn't want anyone to know about it just now.

WinterCrow · 05/12/2024 16:39

Mirabai · 05/12/2024 16:32

This. He’s a 25 year old man he can sort dna tests and solicitors for himself.

Show quote history

Why should he do it alone, though? He confided in his parent(s) and has family to help and to be there for him.

Maria1982 · 05/12/2024 16:45

Cindystarshell · 05/12/2024 16:02

Hi thank you for this. I do have adhd so maybe I am struggling to cope with both at once

Show quote history

i was wondering if you have ADHD (I do too). Given the way you are reacting.

i think others have given you good, and specific advice.

it feels massively overwhelming now, but it won’t stay feeling that way forever.

Tell him you can’t meet this weekend, but meet with him the following .

also, don’t decide for him whether this will be ‘too much’ or burden him. If you’re in a relationship, give him the chance to step up. Don’t cancel on him pre-emptively.

livingafulllife · 05/12/2024 16:46

Sorry if im reading this all wrong but as followed.
Your son is 25 this is for him to deal with.
You support him but its his doing hes an adult.
You life and new bloke dont have to break up because your son didnt use a comdom before hand.
Cut the apron strings and tell him to deal with it hes an adult.

Maria1982 · 05/12/2024 16:46

Also yes- if he doesn’t already know you have ADHD now would be a good time to tell him.

Original poster
Cindystarshell · 05/12/2024 16:46

WinterCrow · 05/12/2024 16:37

I don't think OP is being 'over dramatic' - I think she's got 'ADHD overwhelm'. It's temporary, but can last days or even a week or two.

I think posters have offered some very good advice on what she might say to the man she is seeing though.

@Cindystarshell (OP), I'd send him one of the messages suggested here, but do stress you aren't losing interest in him (if that's true).

Btw does he know you have ADHD? Does he understand what that means?

Ah thank you for this, someone that actually understands adhd. In the grand scheme of things I am NOT being dramatic at all. Infront of my son, his father the authorities I have been highly efficient, calm and on auto pilot. Hyper focused is on form and I am grateful for it this week. Us adhd people definitely excel in a crisis. I understand my post sounds dramatic though. I am expressing all on here however I am dealing with everything very well. I am helping my son as he is dyslexic, adhd and autistic. While others are saying oh its not a big deal, could you really sleep at night knowing a potential grandchild is in a care system in a foreign country and we may all have a long fight ahead of us to get access? Yes it is all legit. The mother told a friend before she died every detail of my son including the town we lived in.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cindystarshell · 05/12/2024 16:48

livingafulllife · 05/12/2024 16:46

Sorry if im reading this all wrong but as followed.
Your son is 25 this is for him to deal with.
You support him but its his doing hes an adult.
You life and new bloke dont have to break up because your son didnt use a comdom before hand.
Cut the apron strings and tell him to deal with it hes an adult.

Edited

Life's not that black and white , read the whole thread properly please

OP posts:
Original poster
Cindystarshell · 05/12/2024 16:49

Maria1982 · 05/12/2024 16:46

Also yes- if he doesn’t already know you have ADHD now would be a good time to tell him.

He knows I have adhd

OP posts:
Original poster
Cindystarshell · 05/12/2024 16:51

WinterCrow · 05/12/2024 16:39

Why should he do it alone, though? He confided in his parent(s) and has family to help and to be there for him.

Show quote history

Because there are alot of men haters on here unfortunately. Those that say this sort of thing would be there for thier daughters I am sure

OP posts:
GoldenSunflowers · 05/12/2024 16:51

DNA results can take a month to come back, or at least the commercial, family tree ones do. Would you be avoiding him for that long? Then what? If the answer is that you indeed have a grandchild, will he be living with you? I can see how that is a huge upheaval and you wouldn’t have the mental energy to date and try to reorganise life at the same time.

HappyTwo · 05/12/2024 16:51

Its OK not to tell him out of respect for your son's wishes....but you suggestion this news means you can't be in a relationship with him does not make sense. Just tell him your son has had some difficult news and he needs your focus right now. Its not a break up situation unless you don't want to be with him.

SereneFish · 05/12/2024 16:52

Cindystarshell · 05/12/2024 16:51

Because there are alot of men haters on here unfortunately. Those that say this sort of thing would be there for thier daughters I am sure

Edited
Show quote history

Aren't you a peach.

livingafulllife · 05/12/2024 16:52

Cindystarshell · 05/12/2024 16:48

Life's not that black and white , read the whole thread properly please

Show quote history

Your life does not have to change op in five years hes 30 he needs to sort this him self and stop relying on his mother.

Boomer55 · 05/12/2024 16:52

TheMixedGirl · 05/12/2024 15:50

I still don't get why you have to end it if you love him so much. Seems a tad dramatic.

This. Just tell him you have family situation at the moment, but will see him as soon as possible.

Stretchanoctave · 05/12/2024 16:53

livingafulllife · 05/12/2024 16:46

Sorry if im reading this all wrong but as followed.
Your son is 25 this is for him to deal with.
You support him but its his doing hes an adult.
You life and new bloke dont have to break up because your son didnt use a comdom before hand.
Cut the apron strings and tell him to deal with it hes an adult.

Edited

Yes you are reading it wrong and clearly do not have any children of your own. The stress of knowing you have a grandchild in foster care in a foreign country must be immense.

Original poster
Cindystarshell · 05/12/2024 16:53

adriftinadenofvipers · 05/12/2024 16:39

Maybe it would do you good to spend time with this man and get a bit of a break from all the angst?

Can't you paraphrase a little? If you love the man, are you ready to risk the relationship altogether? Six months isn't very long but don't you think he is likely to feel rejected? How would you feel if it was the other way round?

I don't know why you can't just tell him that there's a family crisis, that means you having to support another family member but that the person doesn't want anyone to know about it just now.

Show quote history

Thank you, I have messaged him now , following some advice on here. I've said ill see him next week instead and need some time to process some news, also explained noone is ill etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Cindystarshell · 05/12/2024 16:54

Stretchanoctave · 05/12/2024 16:53

Yes you are reading it wrong and clearly do not have any children of your own. The stress of knowing you have a grandchild in foster care in a foreign country must be immense.

Show quote history

Thank you !!!! I am also highly empathetic and the thoughts of this child alone without any other family is heartbreaking

OP posts:
livingafulllife · 05/12/2024 16:55

Stretchanoctave · 05/12/2024 16:53

Yes you are reading it wrong and clearly do not have any children of your own. The stress of knowing you have a grandchild in foster care in a foreign country must be immense.

Show quote history

Thank you i do have a child who is almost 22,
Sorry but you make your bed you lay in it.
The outside world is tough get use to it.

WinterCrow · 05/12/2024 16:56

I wondered if your son might also have ADHD. It all makes a lot of sense to me.

At some point it will help to explain it all to your relationship partner, as you say you feel love for him and that can be harnessed for good things if you don't push him away (assuming he's worth it!).

Posters here aren't 'man haters' though, not at all. It's more a desire to see young adults do more adulting.

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