Cannot mentally cope with relationship while dealing with this bombshell

[Cindystarshell]

Nc for this one

I've been seeing someone for about 6 and months we are exclusive.

I'm due to see him this weekend however this week I've literally had some mind blowing , life changing news which affects myself and family.

It's huge and like something from a film I feel like my life is very surreal atm
Currently living in survival mode

The issue is I can't tell him what this is as I've been asked not to tell anyone else while the main family member involved ( my 25 year old son ) processes this news.

My son has been been tracked down by someone far away telling him he is biological father of a child in another country, the mum has died and she only told one other person the details of the biological child that none of us know nothing about. The child is currently in a foster home.

We have immediately got a family solicitor and are trying our hardest to get a dna test sorted as quickly as possible and my son is trying to find out his rights in getting access to his child.

I can't say anymore

The issue is I really do not have the head space to give to the man I am seeing atm, I love him but I can't.

Please advise me on what to say to him in regards to my situation without him being left thinking I am just dumping him and fobbing him off.

This is so difficult as I've been asked not to tell anyone about this by my son other than his father none else knows.

I need to respect my sons wishes in keeping this confidential and at the same time tell this man I love a reason why I cannot be in a relationship atm

That’s great!!

And btw, you’re doing great.
And it’s ok to want to support your ds. I somehow thinks he’d tell you if you’re getting overbearing (well my ds would 😁).

I really hope you’re going to find a way forward with that.
It won’t be an easy ride. Esp if the child doesn’t speak English at all (depending on where in the world they are atm)

OP does seem to be enjoying the drama

So you’re “breaking”up with your boyfriend because your son didn’t use a condom a while back? yes, it’s a shock to the system but if he’s pretty much sure it’s his he better get his MH in tick and start planning instead of his mum babysitting him and putting her life on hold .Creating more drama that necessary .

Your son is an adult. (One of my children is a year different in age).

You don't need to end a relationship over this.

Smug and irritating. You don't know what is around the corner.

You don't sound like you are enjoying the drama at all, OP.

I get it too. That ND overwhelm where you feel like you can't handle anything right now so your instinct is try to remove as many pressures and commitments as possible just so you don't lose your mind. But, like other people have said, it is a temporary feeling. You just need to take time to let it all sink in and then you will be able to see things clearer. I think you would regret giving up the relationship when things have settled because you will realise the situation isn't as terrible or unbearable as it feels right now. Your son will be feeling the same way which is why he just wants to keep everything close so he doesn't have to think about other people or potentially having to deal with them.

Let your boyfriend know there is a family crisis and lean on him for support if he offers it. You shouldn't have to put on a mask with him to keep him happy. If you do, then he's maybe not the type of person you need. Because no one can be their best self 100% of the time.

You're massively over thinking this. Yes it's a big thing for your son, yes you want to be able to support him, but really - you sound like you're catastrophising how it will impact your relationship. Start with this weekend and explain why you can't come. Who knows what will happen in the weeks to come, cross that bridge when you get to it. Your son might not need as much support as you anticipate, your partner might be able to offer you support etc.
I'd be as honest as you can, and explain you'll tell them the issue when your son is comfortable with you sharing.

Do you enjoy being gratuitously nasty?

The OP said, "I cannot tell him as it is not my news to share; my loyalty lies with my son."

Then proceeds to tell Mumsnet 😂an open forum

Not to the point that they’d end a relationship.

Do you know who the OP is then?!

If that relationship was detrimental in some way to her relationship with her son (which I see no evidence of here btw) then absolutely yes.

This

Did you read that the OP self-declared she is neurodiverse and finds situations overwhelming? I think it's time to quit the cutting remarks and either show some constructive support or get off the thread if you're incapable of empathy.

So you’re “breaking”up with your boyfriend because your son didn’t use a condom a while back?

Blimey that's a giant leap!

We have no way of knowing if the son used a condom and it failed (stranger things have happened 1), or if the woman intentionally wanted to become pg, or even that this whole situation is a scam. We will never know, but probably best not to jump to conclusions. It would be brutal if the OPs son is being stitched up (stranger things have happened 2)

This!!!! Oh my word

Why be so facile? It sounds like it's overseas so there might be a lot to administrate as well as travel and they're taking it all seriously. It doesn't sound as simple as 'blah blah.. condom... Drama. .. Get on with it'. What does your message even mean? Why wouldn't she want to support her son in arranging visitation or custody of the child if it's his?

She's overwhelmed and trying to manage expectations and priorities.

Where has the OP said it was in any way detrimental?

This.

If he doesn't like it or pushes back too much then he's a twat and it's better you know now.

6 months in is a good time to test how supportive a potential partner is of you & your needs.

Your post is so dramatic I thought you were going to say someone had been murdered.

I can see how this would be a huge shock, and out of your control really as to what the end result will look like.
You're supporting your son, even more than that really if you're leading with all the official correspondence. Who's supporting you? It could take a very long time before you know what the outcome is. Your partner could be your support and a calm impartial voice in all the emotional drama. Can you ask your son to release you from the secrecy? It's not a shameful thing is it? He's causing you unnecessary stress by insisting on secrecy on top of everything else.

I get it op, I have adhd and I can get so overwhelmed and can become very emotional and overdramatic when others keep their cool!

However, you've been given some great suggestions how to communicate the family crisis, you can explain to your bf you have adhd and that it's been an overwhelming few days and you need some head space.
If he doesn't respect that, you know he's probably not right for you.

And congratulations, sounds like you are a grandparent!!!

If you can't tell your partner, then he is the wrong man for you.

Why wouldn't you tell him? It might be your sons baby, which will have nothing to do with you.

I think you should dump him because contemplating it over this..maybe you're looking for a way out