Husband wakes me up and doesn’t like my natural reaction

[TheFluentViewer]

My husband will wake me up sometimes, knowing how incredibly tired I was before I had fallen asleep because we have a newborn and it’s 5 or 6 am, but he’ll wake me up by coming to cuddle me or touch and play with my face as I’m sleeping and for some reason since I’m coming out of a deep sleep I react by pushing him away or hitting his hand and seeming angry and violent, when in reality I’m not even conscious and have no idea what’s going on or what I’m doing. The same thing happens every time. He gets upset and asks me over and over why I did that and lectures me on how I need to get rid of that spirit that naturally comes out when I’m sleeping and he comes to me being loving toward me. I don’t know why I do that and barely remember what even happened and so I don’t respond the way he wants me to and he gets pissed and angry at me and sleeps on the couch but will swipe anything and everything that’s on the couch onto the floor first even if there’s something that breaks on the floor when he does, and I have to clean it up later. (We’re in a very small studio/guest house right now.) I haven’t been able to figure out the reason why I react this way and feel guilty about it and like something is wrong with me. Could it be some type of past abuse that I’m instinctually acting on? I can’t put my finger on it. He says every other girl he’s ever been with reacts lovingly by hugging back or just being nice.
I let him know how tired I am and that I need to go to sleep cause I work the next day, but I just teach piano and not for very long hours, so he says I’m fine because he used to get 2-3 hours of sleep and work hard labor for 10-18 hours a day. I’ve just been a little more sleep deprived compared to usual because I take care of the baby throughout the night and have to wake up every 2-3 hours to pump or make a bottle and feed him. My worry is that I’ll be so tired that I sleep through my alarms and don’t make it to work on time, or that I’m so tired on the drive to work and am all over the road or fall asleep at the wheel and get in an accident. I know I can teach fine without any sleep I’ve been doing it so long and it wakes me up, it’s more just about getting there on time and safely.

Make him clear up his own stuff that he's swiped off the sofa for a start...

He isn’t respecting you, why are you so keen that we respect him? Repeatedly grabbing your nose, wtf? Do that to dog and you be bitten, quite rightly. He’s being an arsehole. Why on earth does he keep waking you up?

What he's doing isn't loving.
He's treating you like an appliance to be turned on when he wants to use it.
ignoring your needs and stated boundaries.
Disrespect your husband? He isn’t worthy of any respect and he certainly is disrespecting you.
The man's an abusive twat.

Someone who deliberately wakes you when you are exhausted, doesn't have respect for you. Why do you think respect is a one way street?

I'd have no respect for a man who treats the mother of his kids like shit and then makes out she is the issue.

He's like one of those school bullies that pretends to be your friend in the playground in order to hurt you worse later on.

I'd bet this isn't the only abusive behaviour he's shown.

good grief - we’ve got a right one ‘ere, all you lovely people investing

He's doing it deliberately, so that he has something to berate you about and make you feel like shit.

And it's working isn't it?! There's you, worrying about how you can change yourself so that when he provokes you, you automatically respond in the way he wants you to. When people point out that he's the one in the wrong, you leap to his defence. You accept that his actions are your fault.

If your friend told you this about her husband, would you genuinely tell her - oh well you need to work on your subconscious reactions, maybe get some therapy so you hug him when he sticks his hand in your face while you're fast asleep?!

He says every other girl he’s ever been with reacts lovingly by hugging back or just being nice.

Did every other girl he's ever been with (in his fucking dreams) have a newborn baby keeping her awake at night?

Your husband is a weapons-grade cunt.

Just tell him never to touch you while asleep

Job done

If he touches you again CONSCIOUSLY punch him hard in the face

My thoughts exactly. That poster took the time to write an insightful post and the Op's response was to ask about a very obvious typo.

Hate seeing threads like this where so many decent folk post in good faith.

Make him clear up his own stuff that he's swiped off the sofa for a start...

Oh, it wouldn't be his stuff he's breaking....

yes, assuming this is real of course.

He sounds like a total sex pest who is jealous of the baby. If he woke me he would get a punch on the nose stop minimising his behaviour.

Tell him you will literally kick his fuck in if he dares to disturb you for anything short of an emergency! Selfish get. Doesn't he get up with your newborn seeing he can manage on so little sleep??

Do you work OP?

Well, I'm hoping that even if the OP isn't genuine, it may help someone else who happens to be reading and recognises that sort of situation.

I know I put up with that sort of behaviour from my exh for far too long myself...

OP explained that above. She lives in the States and had not been on here before. She apologised. I hope we all can extend her some grace.

What does he mean the spirit that comes out when you sleep? Obviously as everyone is saying, he’s abusive. But the spirit stuff is just odd. I’d be wanting to get as far away as possible from this man. He is not a safe person to be around.

@itsmylife7 Maybe he can just call your name to wake you ? why the hell is he wakening her at all???? @TheFluentViewer pulling my nose!! that is a really weird thing to do! its akin milking a bloody cow!! hey everyone, I dont think the OP will be back anytime soon!! we have opened her eyes to the hidden abuse lumped on her by her "loving" husband and she cannot take it!!

He is disrespecting you. Who cares if he feels disrespected? You reap what you sow.

This.
He persists in this behaviour when it’s clear that you don’t like being woken that way… then blames you for your perfectly valid reaction.

What would happen if you told him in no uncertain terms to stop waking you like that?

What won't go down well?

He doesn't sound very loving.

What he is doing is a type of abuse.

Coercive control is depriving you of basic needs - namely sleep.

He is also disrespecting you by continuing to do something to you that he knows you dislike.

He is then gaslighting you into thinking your reaction isn’t normal and that it’s your fault.

You need to speak to a domestic abuse organisation asap.

It seems quite natural to respond in the way you do when you are woken from sleep ...its an instinct .. abit like putting your hands out to stop someone poking you in the eye

Why he can't learn how to support you is more the question you need to ask..

@TheFluentViewer unfortunately your husband is not a lovely man. If he was he would a) not wake you up just for a cuddle when you have a newborn and b)would get abusive because you failed to respond in the way he wants.

What he is doing is assault.

You are very clearly NOT consenting to being touched and he is carrying on. That is sexual assault.

That is not a living husband, that is a predator.

Stop making excuses and make him own his disgusting behaviour.

He’s not very loving. You have a newborn and you’re up all night. You work. You’ve asked him to stop. He strops like a big man baby and breaks stuff for you to clear up. He’s not lovely, he’s a controlling prick.

I think we've scared her with our "responses " 😐