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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband wakes me up and doesn’t like my natural reaction

258 replies

TheFluentViewer · 02/12/2024 14:38

My husband will wake me up sometimes, knowing how incredibly tired I was before I had fallen asleep because we have a newborn and it’s 5 or 6 am, but he’ll wake me up by coming to cuddle me or touch and play with my face as I’m sleeping and for some reason since I’m coming out of a deep sleep I react by pushing him away or hitting his hand and seeming angry and violent, when in reality I’m not even conscious and have no idea what’s going on or what I’m doing. The same thing happens every time. He gets upset and asks me over and over why I did that and lectures me on how I need to get rid of that spirit that naturally comes out when I’m sleeping and he comes to me being loving toward me. I don’t know why I do that and barely remember what even happened and so I don’t respond the way he wants me to and he gets pissed and angry at me and sleeps on the couch but will swipe anything and everything that’s on the couch onto the floor first even if there’s something that breaks on the floor when he does, and I have to clean it up later. (We’re in a very small studio/guest house right now.) I haven’t been able to figure out the reason why I react this way and feel guilty about it and like something is wrong with me. Could it be some type of past abuse that I’m instinctually acting on? I can’t put my finger on it. He says every other girl he’s ever been with reacts lovingly by hugging back or just being nice.
I let him know how tired I am and that I need to go to sleep cause I work the next day, but I just teach piano and not for very long hours, so he says I’m fine because he used to get 2-3 hours of sleep and work hard labor for 10-18 hours a day. I’ve just been a little more sleep deprived compared to usual because I take care of the baby throughout the night and have to wake up every 2-3 hours to pump or make a bottle and feed him. My worry is that I’ll be so tired that I sleep through my alarms and don’t make it to work on time, or that I’m so tired on the drive to work and am all over the road or fall asleep at the wheel and get in an accident. I know I can teach fine without any sleep I’ve been doing it so long and it wakes me up, it’s more just about getting there on time and safely.

OP posts:
WWHRD · 02/12/2024 16:55

This is DARVO.

From wikipedia: DARVO (an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim & offender") is a reaction that perpetrators of wrongdoing, such as sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior. Some researchers indicate that it is a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers.

He touches you and wakes you, because he cares more about his wants and needs than yours. When you react, perfectly normally by the way, he verbally attacks you and takes the role of the victim in going to the couch. The throwing stuff on the floor, damaging property is a huge red flag. He's saying look what you did, you made me so upset, and now you can tidy it too...it's a slippery slope to further abuse cos he's already set the scene that you are responsible for his lack of self control and anger.

You need to tell him that:

Regardless of his own preferences/need for sleep, you are not to be deliberately woken. (And recognise the red flag if he doesnt accept this, you have the right to state this and not be questioned or made to justify it).

He is responsible for his anger not you.

He should not be throwing things around carelessly or damaging things. No buts. Any buts = red flag.

He needs to tidy, make amends and replace damaged things. This is his responsibility.

It would take a sea of green flags, total acceptance of the above (including the fact that he is engaging in DARVO) to earn this guy a second chance,

I doubt this is the only evidence of abuse.

VacuumPacked · 02/12/2024 16:57

TheFluentViewer · 02/12/2024 14:46

Ok I just don’t understand how so many people have responded to this within 5 minutes. How did you even read it that fast? Lol. Are you all real people??

we are always hovering ha ha

WoolySnail · 02/12/2024 17:01

Well my natural reaction to being woken up for anything unnecessary is 'fuck off'. Obviously I reign it in if it's necessary (still don't like being woken up!) but in this case I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms not to wake me again or suffer the consequences.

Haggia · 02/12/2024 17:02

Eeew if anyone was touching my face while I slept I’d whack them away in a fully conscious state!

Conqueeftador · 02/12/2024 17:03

TheFluentViewer · 02/12/2024 14:53

Yeah, that won’t go down well with him at all. I can’t disrespect my husband like that. Could people give helpful advice without insulting my husband please? He’s actually very loving and I don’t hate him for this at all, I’m just trying to seek out a logical solution.

What he’s doing isn’t loving though op, though clearly that’s how he’s trying to pass it off. Being loving would be having a little empathy for his completely knackered wife and leaving her alone when she’s in a deep sleep. Read through quickly, but I’m pretty sure you said he was grabbing you nose repeatedly while you were trying to smooth a crying baby. Again, not loving. None of his previous women reacted aggressively when woken from sleep, well How many of his past girlfriends had newborns and were totally sleep deprived when he was waking them up for a cuddle? None right?

Hes actually torturing you in small ways, waking you, then trying to make you out as the aggressor, when that was him. Repeatedly picking at your nose, give me one reason anyone would do that with love. Then he’s spinning it all to make you think you are the problem, not him. There’s no repressed abuse from years ago, just abuse now.

Im sorry op, but you need to look at statistics of when men often start to abuse their wives/partners, more often than not it’s after a baby comes along. It will very likely just get worse. He’s jealous of all your attention being on your baby. Maybe you can rescue this, but not by trying to be kind and loving. You need to be firm, clear and honest with him. Suggest some therapy, see how that goes down. Like a lead balloon I’m guessing, because as you can see, people outside of your little bubble are viewing his actions very differently to how you are, and he’ll be worried a therapist will see right through his nasty little mind games.

babyproblems · 02/12/2024 17:05

Sorry but he sounds like an absolute wierdo and this is creepy. I’d be putting a lock on the door if he continued! I cannot think of any reason someone would behave like this beyond it being 1) some kind of control, or/and 2) some sort of fetish. Honestly I just don’t think it’s normal! If he will not stop I would go as far as saying it’s a form of manipulation and abuse and you should kick him out. Does he respect you in other ways?? x

ChimneyRock · 02/12/2024 17:09

By "waking you for a cuddle," do you mean sex?
Either way, my husband would have been risking a punch in the face if he'd woken me up during a much-needed sleep.
What is WRONG with your bloke?

Daisymay2 · 02/12/2024 17:10

Actually, I gind the comments about getting rid of the spirits that come out of you very chilling. You can read about women and children being beaten to remove spirits.
He needs to stop waking you, you need sleep more than he needs your attention.

BringMeTea · 02/12/2024 17:10

Get away from this abusive creepy weirdo. 💐

itsmylife7 · 02/12/2024 17:10

Have you actually asked/told him to stop stroking you to wake you up ?

Maybe he can just call your name to wake you ?

As for what he's saying about you being violent....he's talking crap.

He throws things off the settee and you have to clean it up !

SummerFeverVenice · 02/12/2024 17:10

Ok, it doesn’t matter why you react the way you do as far as he is concerned. He should be accommodating you by waking you using some other method. Like saying your name while not touching you. Or maybe gently rustling your feet while they are under the covers.

He also sounds emotionally immature and is taking your unconscious reaction as some kind of rejection. He needs to get over it and stop with the sulking.

Skyrainlight · 02/12/2024 17:11

Catapaulting · 02/12/2024 14:40

What, so he’s saying that his need for a cuddle is more important than your need for sleep? I’d be furious.

Agreed, what a selfish prick he is and then he makes you feel guilty about his selfish behaviour.

Beesandhoney123 · 02/12/2024 17:13

It's impossible to support you if you think your dh is being loving and caring, you don't want him insulted, want to show him respect.
How cab you respect someone who keeps waking you up by fiddling with your face? Weirdo.

Also - all these other women that loved it- nonsense. All looking after a new born with a partner that likes to wake them up by touching their face were they?

What spirit in you is he hoping to crush BTW? That is such a bizarre thing to say.

Tell him not to do it. Mean it. He's not waking the baby up like that is he?

fruitbrewhaha · 02/12/2024 17:13

He is an arsehole. Why are you keen not to disrespect him when he clearly doesn’t give a shit about you. I’d leave him.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 02/12/2024 17:15

Why isn’t he caring for his child in the night?
He’s selfish, uncaring and constantly poking at your face is abusive. Any man who tried that with me would have trouble walking from the bed.

Beesandhoney123 · 02/12/2024 17:17

Conqueeftador · 02/12/2024 17:03

What he’s doing isn’t loving though op, though clearly that’s how he’s trying to pass it off. Being loving would be having a little empathy for his completely knackered wife and leaving her alone when she’s in a deep sleep. Read through quickly, but I’m pretty sure you said he was grabbing you nose repeatedly while you were trying to smooth a crying baby. Again, not loving. None of his previous women reacted aggressively when woken from sleep, well How many of his past girlfriends had newborns and were totally sleep deprived when he was waking them up for a cuddle? None right?

Hes actually torturing you in small ways, waking you, then trying to make you out as the aggressor, when that was him. Repeatedly picking at your nose, give me one reason anyone would do that with love. Then he’s spinning it all to make you think you are the problem, not him. There’s no repressed abuse from years ago, just abuse now.

Im sorry op, but you need to look at statistics of when men often start to abuse their wives/partners, more often than not it’s after a baby comes along. It will very likely just get worse. He’s jealous of all your attention being on your baby. Maybe you can rescue this, but not by trying to be kind and loving. You need to be firm, clear and honest with him. Suggest some therapy, see how that goes down. Like a lead balloon I’m guessing, because as you can see, people outside of your little bubble are viewing his actions very differently to how you are, and he’ll be worried a therapist will see right through his nasty little mind games.

Definitely tell someone independent like your doctor or social worker. Ask your friends and their dh infrint of him if its normal. Or not, because he won't like that.

It's no laughing matter
And will get worse.

ScarlettSunset · 02/12/2024 17:20

TheFluentViewer · 02/12/2024 14:53

Yeah, that won’t go down well with him at all. I can’t disrespect my husband like that. Could people give helpful advice without insulting my husband please? He’s actually very loving and I don’t hate him for this at all, I’m just trying to seek out a logical solution.

He doesn't sound very loving to me.
Depriving someone of sleep deliberately sounds thoroughly abusive.
He's dressing it up though, so you think it's your fault. It's not. He's a prick.

helgel · 02/12/2024 17:20

So you don't react lovingly when he does this, but every other woman has, so you must be in the wrong. Unless he has countless babies with all these women and shared small studios with them, how is this comparable?

I've tried to imagine a man doing this to me....I can't.

Saschka · 02/12/2024 17:21

OP, if you are American you may not have heard this case, but a very famous TV chef divorced her very rich ad agency owner husband after one episode of him grabbing her by the nose at a restaurant.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2518207/amp/Why-Charles-Saatchi-grabbed-throat-Nigella-Lawson-explains.html

It is domestic abuse, pure and simple. He should not be grabbing at your face for any reason whatsoever.

'Why Saatchi grabbed me by the throat'

TV chef tells jury that her infamous row with her ex-husband Charles Saatchi outside Scott's restuarant in London was over having grandchildren.

https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2518207/amp/Why-Charles-Saatchi-grabbed-throat-Nigella-Lawson-explains.html

EdgeofSeventy · 02/12/2024 17:21

He should be thankful he's not married to me. I have a violent (unconscious) reaction to being startled

HazelLion · 02/12/2024 17:22

Is there possibly a cultural thing coming into play here? The comment about spirits and the concern about disrespecting your husband by telling him to stop harassing you when you sleep suggests there may be more at play here.

Lighteningstrikes · 02/12/2024 17:22

Is he 12!!
Jezus I would pour a bucket of cold water over the idiot.

Pinkbonbon · 02/12/2024 17:23

TheFormidableMrsC · 02/12/2024 14:43

This is abuse.

This.

And the standard "everyone/all other women think xyz" is typical narcissistic abusers bullshit.

He's deliberately waking you when you are exhausted and then making out your reaction to that is 'abnormal'. It's gaslighting.

He'd be getting told that if he ever woke me deliberately again he'd be out on his arse. Asleep or not, I'd probably still swiped at him for waking me if I'd been up all night with a baby.

Nanny0gg · 02/12/2024 17:24

TheFluentViewer · 02/12/2024 15:12

He said that he was just coming to have me move to lay the correct way on the bed so we could both lay down and go to sleep but he didn’t say that til later, he just touched my face and grabbed my nose over and over and then said I’m being violent.

Why do you not accept that your husband is a twat idiot?

Why is that 'disrespecting' him?

Electricalb · 02/12/2024 17:25

I would be reading up about domestic abuse and talk to your local organisations.

That is NOT the behaviour of a good man.
I would find that behaviour deeply sinister.

Abuse often begins in pregnancy and the new born stage.

He is deliberately upsetting you.
Sleep deprivation is a known tactic of abusers.

Educate and protect yourself.