Husband wakes me up and doesn’t like my natural reaction

[TheFluentViewer]

My husband will wake me up sometimes, knowing how incredibly tired I was before I had fallen asleep because we have a newborn and it’s 5 or 6 am, but he’ll wake me up by coming to cuddle me or touch and play with my face as I’m sleeping and for some reason since I’m coming out of a deep sleep I react by pushing him away or hitting his hand and seeming angry and violent, when in reality I’m not even conscious and have no idea what’s going on or what I’m doing. The same thing happens every time. He gets upset and asks me over and over why I did that and lectures me on how I need to get rid of that spirit that naturally comes out when I’m sleeping and he comes to me being loving toward me. I don’t know why I do that and barely remember what even happened and so I don’t respond the way he wants me to and he gets pissed and angry at me and sleeps on the couch but will swipe anything and everything that’s on the couch onto the floor first even if there’s something that breaks on the floor when he does, and I have to clean it up later. (We’re in a very small studio/guest house right now.) I haven’t been able to figure out the reason why I react this way and feel guilty about it and like something is wrong with me. Could it be some type of past abuse that I’m instinctually acting on? I can’t put my finger on it. He says every other girl he’s ever been with reacts lovingly by hugging back or just being nice.
I let him know how tired I am and that I need to go to sleep cause I work the next day, but I just teach piano and not for very long hours, so he says I’m fine because he used to get 2-3 hours of sleep and work hard labor for 10-18 hours a day. I’ve just been a little more sleep deprived compared to usual because I take care of the baby throughout the night and have to wake up every 2-3 hours to pump or make a bottle and feed him. My worry is that I’ll be so tired that I sleep through my alarms and don’t make it to work on time, or that I’m so tired on the drive to work and am all over the road or fall asleep at the wheel and get in an accident. I know I can teach fine without any sleep I’ve been doing it so long and it wakes me up, it’s more just about getting there on time and safely.

So...

He wakes you by touching you - despite you having asked him not to wake you, and certainly not to do so by touching you.

He also touches/messes with your face again despite you having told him you don't like it.

When you object in the moment he claims you're violent and unpleasant.

When he doesn't like what you're doing, he stomps off to sleep somewhere else and will destroy items/property/make a mess without a seconds thought.

And you're expected to clean up this mess.

Be honest @TheFluentViewer with yourself if not actually by posting here...

If someone else told you their partner was behaving like this, would you think he was lovely, or horrid?

He is disrespecting you, over and over and over, every time he does something you've indicated you do not like.

Please explain what is 'loving' about that?

This reminds me of those CIA movies where they wake up the prisoners with heavy metal music and water boarding.

I don’t think he’s waking you up for a cuddle.

I would hang a sign on your door “no sleep no pussy”.

He is not "loving", he is a child.

Every time you are awake tonight with the baby or pumping touch his face and see if he likes it. When he reacts poorly tell him never to do it to you again as you hate it too , If he doesn’t listen tell him you will continue every night until he stops waking you up.

You're looking at this the wrong way. You're worrying about your reaction, when you should be looking at his behaviour that causes your reaction.

What he's doing isn't normal. It's cruel, when you are desperately trying to sleep, for him to play with your face and wake you up in such a horrible way. No wonder you react violently.

This is such weird and unsettling behaviour.
How old is he??
Why don't you wait until he's fast asleep and stick a bunch of straws in his orifices, see how he likes it?
He sounds like a strange, petulant and rather pathetic but scary individual.
You have a baby waking through the night, you're probably exhausted and he's critiquing the levels of affection you provide when you're passed out?
In short, he is the problem, not you.
At the very least, it's disrespectful, needy and disturbing...it's also abusive.
If DH started hoofing bits of me round the bed and sticking his fingers in my nose or ears whilst I slept, I'd not be responsible for the inevitable backlash.
I'm not a doll that he can arrange as he pleases...

Ugh, he sounds awful. I wouldn't want him pawing at me either.

@TheFluentViewer the problem is not why are you reacting that way! the problem is HIM!! why is he behaving that way?? is he trying to waken you up to have sex or just a cuddle??? either way I would be furious especially when it is obvious that you are in a deep sleep!! who the hell plays with someone's face when they are sleeping??????

Your husband is an manipulative abusive bastard.

Do you think he respects you when he wakes you by poking you in the face? I'd be so annoyed if anyone did that to me. Sleep is so important for wellbeing.

Fuck that! He should let you sleep and keep his ‘loving’ hands to himself, or times when you’re awake! Although this would piss me off and give me the ick so much that I wouldn’t want his ‘loving’ hands on me at any bloody time!

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture.
Your DH should not be waking you up to service his own needs!

@TheFluentViewer btw I didnt realise that there was a right way and a wrong way to lie in bed!!!

If my child came up and stroked my face to wake me up I would startle and pull away! Let alone a partner! My kids would do the same, which is why I wake them gently, rather than by immediatly poking at them!

Last time a child came in when I was asleep and woke me up I yelled in surprise and jerked back for example (normally TBH I wake when I hear them coming into the room, but this time they must have been quiet or I must have been very asleep)

It's totally normal. It's a shock. My kids understand that and don't get upset, a grown adult definitely should.

Are there either religious or cultural factors at play here?

I was raised with an extremely abusive Christian father and he loved the line of bad spirits, evil spirits, defiant spirits whenever someone (always a woman) wasn't doing as she should.

Sleep deprivation is abuse. He knows you are tired and still wants to play with your face?

I think you're kidding yourself with how uncomfortable you are with your husband and his treatment of you, to be honest. You were clearly awake, but at the end of your tether, in this scenario.

He can easily fix this by giving you personal space and keeping his hands to himself.

(And what on earth is going on with the nose grabbing?!)

He needs to eff off and stop waking you up. Wtf.

If he’s up and you’re sleeping he should be taking care of the baby not wake you up. What a selfish twat!

Yep my thoughts too.

Anyone who tried to 'play with my face' while I tried to sleep would get punched in the face.

What on is earth is wrong with him? does he problems understanding simple English?

I was wondering that too. It does sound rather fundamental/19th century to me

Sometimes I feel MN can jump to this conclusion over minute things that aren't but my gut reaction was that he is waking her deliberately "nicely" because he's not allowed to do so aggressively as punishment for sleeping when he isn't. Then using it an excuse to swipe breakables, leave them for her to clean up and lecture her, all further punishments. And knowingly causing sleep deprivation in the process.

I would have absolutely the same reaction as would most people. What a guy! And then he sulks and throws things about! Awful, poor you.

He’s actually very loving

No, he isn't.

If he was 'very loving' he wouldn't be waking you up in a way that startles you when you're desperately sleep deprived with a new baby, yelling at you, breaking things that you then have to clean up, and then gaslighting you into thinking that you're the problem. You are not the problem here. He is torturing you through sleep deprivation and then acting violently when it startles you.

He's an abusive prick. You have zero control over your instinct to lash out when you're awoken - you're not even awake at the point where you lash out. You're doing it when you're technically asleep. Getting angry with you for it makes about as much sense as getting angry at someone for sneezing when their nose is tickled.

Could it be some type of past abuse that I’m instinctually acting on?

You weren't abused in the past. YOU'RE BEING ABUSED NOW BY YOUR HUSBAND, WHO IS A TOTAL CUNT.