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Original poster

What do you think? Huge row

118 replies

Liveinthewoods80 · 02/12/2024 01:33

I was in the pub with my partner of 2 years and he sees messages from men on my phone. One from an ex. I said, "We are still friends and he was passing on work gossip." Then I said of the other male names visible: "this one's my new boss, this one is from the (mixed) sports team I play in, this one is my pal John." etc.... So my guy said: "I don't care what you do. Do what you like. I'm not stopping you."

Which angered me. Then he said: "I've had enough to drink, I'm going home." I said: "It's only 9pm. I think I'll stay out and go on the pull seeing as you don't care who I sleep with."

We exchanged cross words and he stormed out. I waved at him as he left and called out "Bye!" I was quite drunk.

I didn't go on the pull of course. I am faithful. I got back home shortly after and slept in the spare room. Next morning he says: "Do you have any explanation for your behaviour?"

I said, "You said you didn't care if I went off with someone else and you are always saying things like this."

Only a week before I'd told him on the phone (we are long-distance) I was feeling horny and he joked: "You should go and see Alan in your local pub. He's desperate for it."

I said, "what? Are you saying I should go and sleep with him? What would you do if I did?" He said: "You needn't bother coming back."

Wtaf? Why does he say these things? I wouldn't dream of saying anything like this to him. I adore him. I'm always paying him compliments and being affectionate.

He never pays me compliments, is only affectionate when he wants sex and doesn't ever tell me he loves me. When I've asked him if he does, he is slippery and responds: "Why wouldn't I?" He never comes to my city to visit me, and it's always me travelling 4+ hours to his city.

Anyway, the row escalated where he just blamed me for everything, and I ended up leaving and going back to my city. He made a half-hearted attempt to persuade me to stay but I was really upset. I told him he'd hurt me and he just said: "I can't talk to you when you're like this. I'll talk to you later."

I left, haven't heard from him over the weekend and haven't called him. It's my birthday in a few days and if I haven't heard by then I'm guessing it is over.

What do you think?

OP posts:
Ph3 · 02/12/2024 01:37

I think you need to let him go.

username358 · 02/12/2024 01:40

He's not into you and you're wasting your time.

MarkingBad · 02/12/2024 01:49

I don't think it's over, I think it never started.

RogueFemale · 02/12/2024 01:59

It's over, or you could maybe try to drag it out for a bit longer till it's over again.

You deserve better than this. Find a decent bloke who really cares about you.

Fraaahnces · 02/12/2024 02:01

15 year olds shouldn’t have phones

Original poster
Liveinthewoods80 · 02/12/2024 02:01

MarkingBad · 02/12/2024 01:49

I don't think it's over, I think it never started.

Interesting that you should say that. At first he was wonderful. I have some health issues and was off sick from work for a while and he was great, really helpful and supportive.

He's been very generous towards me and has gone out of his way for me a few times. He has also done loads of improvement work in my home and does a lot for me, cooking, laundry, driving me round, buying me stuff, etc. Most of the time we are quite happy and get along well. I can live with the lack of "I love you's" as long as I'm not getting the shitty, hurtful comments.

But when we fall out it is hell. There are things I am not happy about and fundamentally I doubt that he loves me, just needs me around.

OP posts:
Original poster
Liveinthewoods80 · 02/12/2024 02:03

Fraaahnces · 02/12/2024 02:01

15 year olds shouldn’t have phones

How is this helpful?

OP posts:
Deadbeatex · 02/12/2024 02:04

How has he done loads around your house, laundry etc when you've said in your OP its always you travelling 4hrs to him and he never comes to you?

Original poster
Liveinthewoods80 · 02/12/2024 02:08

Deadbeatex · 02/12/2024 02:04

How has he done loads around your house, laundry etc when you've said in your OP its always you travelling 4hrs to him and he never comes to you?

Because sometimes he does come over to mine. But it is mostly me going to him. He used to come over more often, but it is much less these days. I've been seeing him 2 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Liveinthewoods80 · 02/12/2024 02:09

He cooks and does laundry for me at his house, as I have a lot of stuff there.

OP posts:
RogueFemale · 02/12/2024 02:14

Really, you should focus on finding a good man who really loves you and really cares about you, and you feeling the same about them. It may sound obvious. But I didn't know this most of my life.

RogueFemale · 02/12/2024 02:15

I would add that the good ones don't make you feel insecure.

MagicPen · 02/12/2024 02:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

MarkingBad · 02/12/2024 02:21

Liveinthewoods80 · 02/12/2024 02:01

Interesting that you should say that. At first he was wonderful. I have some health issues and was off sick from work for a while and he was great, really helpful and supportive.

He's been very generous towards me and has gone out of his way for me a few times. He has also done loads of improvement work in my home and does a lot for me, cooking, laundry, driving me round, buying me stuff, etc. Most of the time we are quite happy and get along well. I can live with the lack of "I love you's" as long as I'm not getting the shitty, hurtful comments.

But when we fall out it is hell. There are things I am not happy about and fundamentally I doubt that he loves me, just needs me around.

Show quote history

Yes but 2 years in and you are still 4+ hours apart ... nah FWB at best.

You can like someone, do nice things for them, and fuck them without having much in the way of feelings for them or indeed any at all. There is no effort in this relationship to grow together.

There is no point making threats to each other, i.e. I'm going on the pull, then don't bother coming back stuff. They are just words that irritate each other and cause more hurtful comments. Its a terrible communication style, if you want something to last don't pull that shit on anyone.

Original poster
Liveinthewoods80 · 02/12/2024 02:27

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

This is helpful advice, thank you. We have talked about the "love" issue. He says he shows love by doing things for people. He is a man of few words, and he is very reliable. He has never mucked me about and does what he says he's going to do. My best friend in RL has met him and she just thinks he is insecure, socially inept and lacks emotional intelligence. He is not a womaniser at all, so I don't feel insecure in that respect as I trust him. Just the lack of romance and affection gets to me. And when he says shitty things it makes me feel that he doesn't care about me.

He is selfish though and the relationship is set up so that it's very convenient for him as I'm the one doing all the travelling recently. I was supposed to stay at his next week and he was going to drive me back to my city and put together a new piece of furniture he was buying me for my birthday and do some other odd jobs that I need doing.

Sorry, random things are just pouring out of me. I'll get back on point. I just feel taken for granted. He knows I'm crazy about him and I suppose he feels secure in that but he has said in the past that he doesn't want to lose me.

OP posts:
RogueFemale · 02/12/2024 02:29

@Liveinthewoods80 I didn't go on the pull of course. I am faithful. I got back home shortly after and slept in the spare room. Next morning he says: "Do you have any explanation for your behaviour?"
I said, "You said you didn't care if I went off with someone else and you are always saying things like this."

For me, I wouldn't like the accusatory "do you have any explanation for your behaviour". It sounds controlling (often bandied about, yes, but just saying there's a hint of it at least).

RogueFemale · 02/12/2024 02:33

@Liveinthewoods80 "Only a week before I'd told him on the phone (we are long-distance) I was feeling horny and he joked: "You should go and see Alan in your local pub. He's desperate for it."
I said, "what? Are you saying I should go and sleep with him? What would you do if I did?" He said: "You needn't bother coming back."

This isn't good. I've read your most recent post and I get the lack of emotional intelligence etc but it still isn't good.

Original poster
Liveinthewoods80 · 02/12/2024 02:34

MarkingBad · 02/12/2024 02:21

Yes but 2 years in and you are still 4+ hours apart ... nah FWB at best.

You can like someone, do nice things for them, and fuck them without having much in the way of feelings for them or indeed any at all. There is no effort in this relationship to grow together.

There is no point making threats to each other, i.e. I'm going on the pull, then don't bother coming back stuff. They are just words that irritate each other and cause more hurtful comments. Its a terrible communication style, if you want something to last don't pull that shit on anyone.

Show quote history

I see your point and I reacted badly to what he said. I was a bit drunk and that is no excuse for childish behaviour, I appreciate. I was actually f**ng furious and that is the way it came out, I wasn't trying to score points.

He has asked me to move to his city many times and asked me to move in with him. He's told me he'll take care of me and I don't have to pay rent. He is very generous with me too. It's me that is reluctant to move to his city.

I did that in the past with my ex-fiance, uprooted my whole life to move across the country to live with him in his home but it didn't work out. He cheated on me, things became very bad between us and I ended up having to move out as it was his house. I am very wary of getting into the same situation.

Generally I don't mind the travel and I am not marriage minded or anything like that, I am happy with a long-distance scenario except for the inconvenience of it and the fact I think he could make more of an effort to travel to me. Perhaps as a PP said, the relationship is moving towards a commitment make or break scenario, and it is naturally coming to the end of its life.

OP posts:
RogueFemale · 02/12/2024 02:35

At the end of the day, you're not getting what you need.

Original poster
Liveinthewoods80 · 02/12/2024 02:36

RogueFemale · 02/12/2024 02:33

@Liveinthewoods80 "Only a week before I'd told him on the phone (we are long-distance) I was feeling horny and he joked: "You should go and see Alan in your local pub. He's desperate for it."
I said, "what? Are you saying I should go and sleep with him? What would you do if I did?" He said: "You needn't bother coming back."

This isn't good. I've read your most recent post and I get the lack of emotional intelligence etc but it still isn't good.

I'm glad you think this isn't good because he insists that was a joke and implies I've got no sense of humour. I have even wondered if he's testing the water to see how I react because HE wants to sleep with other people.

He is quite controlling, yes.

OP posts:
RogueFemale · 02/12/2024 02:38

What he said isn't a joke ("you needn't bother coming back"). Not a joke.

Original poster
Liveinthewoods80 · 02/12/2024 02:39

RogueFemale · 02/12/2024 02:38

What he said isn't a joke ("you needn't bother coming back"). Not a joke.

That was in response to me saying, "what would you do if I did shag Alan?"

OP posts:
RogueFemale · 02/12/2024 02:40

Yes I know

Original poster
Liveinthewoods80 · 02/12/2024 02:41

RogueFemale · 02/12/2024 02:40

Yes I know

OK thanks. And you are right. I'm not getting my needs met.

OP posts:
MarkingBad · 02/12/2024 02:41

Liveinthewoods80 · 02/12/2024 02:34

I see your point and I reacted badly to what he said. I was a bit drunk and that is no excuse for childish behaviour, I appreciate. I was actually f**ng furious and that is the way it came out, I wasn't trying to score points.

He has asked me to move to his city many times and asked me to move in with him. He's told me he'll take care of me and I don't have to pay rent. He is very generous with me too. It's me that is reluctant to move to his city.

I did that in the past with my ex-fiance, uprooted my whole life to move across the country to live with him in his home but it didn't work out. He cheated on me, things became very bad between us and I ended up having to move out as it was his house. I am very wary of getting into the same situation.

Generally I don't mind the travel and I am not marriage minded or anything like that, I am happy with a long-distance scenario except for the inconvenience of it and the fact I think he could make more of an effort to travel to me. Perhaps as a PP said, the relationship is moving towards a commitment make or break scenario, and it is naturally coming to the end of its life.

Show quote history

In that case it could be that after 2 years he has realised you lack interest in moving in or moving somewhere you can both be together and he has taken a step back from the relationship. Doesn't bother so much, why should he?

Have you asked him to move in with you or closer to you?

Not looking good is it

TBH you don't sound compatible so stop hurting each other and allow each other to find happiness or continue on and make each other miserable, it's up to you.