What do you think? Huge row

[Liveinthewoods80]

I was in the pub with my partner of 2 years and he sees messages from men on my phone. One from an ex. I said, "We are still friends and he was passing on work gossip." Then I said of the other male names visible: "this one's my new boss, this one is from the (mixed) sports team I play in, this one is my pal John." etc.... So my guy said: "I don't care what you do. Do what you like. I'm not stopping you."

Which angered me. Then he said: "I've had enough to drink, I'm going home." I said: "It's only 9pm. I think I'll stay out and go on the pull seeing as you don't care who I sleep with."

We exchanged cross words and he stormed out. I waved at him as he left and called out "Bye!" I was quite drunk.

I didn't go on the pull of course. I am faithful. I got back home shortly after and slept in the spare room. Next morning he says: "Do you have any explanation for your behaviour?"

I said, "You said you didn't care if I went off with someone else and you are always saying things like this."

Only a week before I'd told him on the phone (we are long-distance) I was feeling horny and he joked: "You should go and see Alan in your local pub. He's desperate for it."

I said, "what? Are you saying I should go and sleep with him? What would you do if I did?" He said: "You needn't bother coming back."

Wtaf? Why does he say these things? I wouldn't dream of saying anything like this to him. I adore him. I'm always paying him compliments and being affectionate.

He never pays me compliments, is only affectionate when he wants sex and doesn't ever tell me he loves me. When I've asked him if he does, he is slippery and responds: "Why wouldn't I?" He never comes to my city to visit me, and it's always me travelling 4+ hours to his city.

Anyway, the row escalated where he just blamed me for everything, and I ended up leaving and going back to my city. He made a half-hearted attempt to persuade me to stay but I was really upset. I told him he'd hurt me and he just said: "I can't talk to you when you're like this. I'll talk to you later."

I left, haven't heard from him over the weekend and haven't called him. It's my birthday in a few days and if I haven't heard by then I'm guessing it is over.

What do you think?

Neither of us has a drink problem. I have not been drunk in six months. He is not that big of a drinker.

No, sigh. I have explained my intentions upthread.

You didn't answer my question. So I'll ask it again:
In the heat of an argument, have you always responded appropriately and maturely?

Gosh he sounds so immature. Personally I find people with such large chips on their shoulders really unpleasant and unattractive. Hates posh people and the king 🤣🤣 god how do you not laugh in his face 😆😆 sounds like an angry teenager who has just learned about socialism

I have never met anyone like him, he is unique. I have tried to reason with him about "posh" people (he doesn't know any).

Ah I understand now. He doesn’t want to visit you or he would.

Hating posh people, English people, random cities, and the King does not make him special or unique. Well maybe uniquely idiotic 🤣🤣

Sorry OP, I just don't see what there is to like about this small minded man 😅😅

"I don't always feel respected by him though. He criticises me a lot and rarely pays me compliments"

Is that what you want out of a relationship? Not to mention the constant to-in and fro-ing where you go and stay at his all the time, while he rarely bothers to make the effort to come and see you.

Perhaps it's time to collect your stuff from his place (bit by bit if you don't want to make it obvious) and once you've got it all back, tell him the relationship isn't working for you any more. Because it isn't, is it?

Well, it's certainly quirky. He has just let a sheltered life.

Thank you for not bashing me. I have been thinking the same. I'm crazy about him and have made him a priority, I don't think I have ever intentionally made him feel less or unloved. He knows that if we argue I will always forgive him but there comes a point when you realise you are giving more, emotionally and in terms of effort, than you are getting back. Thank you for understanding.

He is massively insecure and has a passive aggressive personality.

Do let this one go.

Definitely sounds like he’s got a chip on his shoulder

I think you need to decide if that's the kind of relationship you are willing to settle for, your bar sounds low. I wouldn't be with someone who was only affectionate when they wanted sex and didn't tell me they loved me. Sounds like the road to a miserable future.

I agree. If he doesn't care about me, I would rather be alone.

It sounds a bit like the relationship has run its course, he’s not visiting you as much, he’s inviting/daring you to sleep with other people. You are drifting apart and perhaps time to call it a day and remain cordial before it turns sour

I’ve searched the thread to find out the ages of this couple. Can’t find it.

Are you both very young?

@Liveinthewoods80 Which angered me. Then he said: "I've had enough to drink, I'm going home." I said: "It's only 9pm. I think I'll stay out and go on the pull seeing as you don't care who I sleep with."

Where did that come from?

You had messages on your phone and you were giving long-winded explanations of why they were there. He responded that he doesn't care. This is understandable, as I wouldn't care either (why would I be upset by someone else having friends?).

Then from absolute nowhere you said you are going on "the pull"? Am I missing something here?

She said she’s 58 he’s in his 60’s so way old enough to be past this ridiculous drama

I honestly think she is describing my ex.

Long distance relationship with a very insecure man who watched my phone like a hawk and told me I could do as I wanted as it was up to me. When I did, I was punished quite ruthlessly. Could be very attentive, good around the house, good cook, nothing too much trouble but god help me if any friends or acquaintances were men and I spoke/texted/mentioned them.

I was late 50’s when we split. He, early 60’s. Maybe, there’s more of them about than I thought.

He never pays me compliments, is only affectionate when he wants sex and doesn't ever tell me he loves me.

Why are you with him?

Because the context in which it was said and the way he said "I don't care what you do. Go and do what you want. I won't stop you." was very clearly his way of saying "go off with someone else if you want to." How else could it have been interpreted? Which I found offensive and hurtful and it made angry.

I was quite drunk and I was being sarcastic when I said "I'm going on the pull seeing as you don't care what I do or who with." With no intention of doing so. It was immature and inappropriate. I'm not perfect. But I would rather be immature than unkind.
And for the umpteenth time, I was NOT trying to make him jealous.

For context, he had also joked a week earlier that if I was feeling horny I should go and sleep with a single guy at the local pub as he was "always looking for someone." Why say these horrible things to me? if he wants out, why be so unpleasant and cruel about it? I have ended relationships before but I would like to think I have done so with empathy and respect.

I don't wonder who he's messaging because, he may be many things, but I don't think he would cheat. I trust him in that respect.

I'm late 50s, he's in his sixties.

Neither of you came out of that well, did you? You could probably both do better. Time to move on.

I don't think it's worth travelling 4+ hours to see him..