What do you think? Huge row

[Liveinthewoods80]

I was in the pub with my partner of 2 years and he sees messages from men on my phone. One from an ex. I said, "We are still friends and he was passing on work gossip." Then I said of the other male names visible: "this one's my new boss, this one is from the (mixed) sports team I play in, this one is my pal John." etc.... So my guy said: "I don't care what you do. Do what you like. I'm not stopping you."

Which angered me. Then he said: "I've had enough to drink, I'm going home." I said: "It's only 9pm. I think I'll stay out and go on the pull seeing as you don't care who I sleep with."

We exchanged cross words and he stormed out. I waved at him as he left and called out "Bye!" I was quite drunk.

I didn't go on the pull of course. I am faithful. I got back home shortly after and slept in the spare room. Next morning he says: "Do you have any explanation for your behaviour?"

I said, "You said you didn't care if I went off with someone else and you are always saying things like this."

Only a week before I'd told him on the phone (we are long-distance) I was feeling horny and he joked: "You should go and see Alan in your local pub. He's desperate for it."

I said, "what? Are you saying I should go and sleep with him? What would you do if I did?" He said: "You needn't bother coming back."

Wtaf? Why does he say these things? I wouldn't dream of saying anything like this to him. I adore him. I'm always paying him compliments and being affectionate.

He never pays me compliments, is only affectionate when he wants sex and doesn't ever tell me he loves me. When I've asked him if he does, he is slippery and responds: "Why wouldn't I?" He never comes to my city to visit me, and it's always me travelling 4+ hours to his city.

Anyway, the row escalated where he just blamed me for everything, and I ended up leaving and going back to my city. He made a half-hearted attempt to persuade me to stay but I was really upset. I told him he'd hurt me and he just said: "I can't talk to you when you're like this. I'll talk to you later."

I left, haven't heard from him over the weekend and haven't called him. It's my birthday in a few days and if I haven't heard by then I'm guessing it is over.

What do you think?

You weren't doing anything inappropriate with the messages on your phone, so I'm confused if you wanted him to get jealous and got annoyed because he didn't? I can empathise if so, because my boyfriend gives no impression that he cares who I'm contacting either. I write to several men (penpals), I have male friends, I've seen exes at events he wasn't at, I've even been propositioned and been sexted without provocation. He knows about it all because I am an open book. Zero response to anything. Do you ever wonder who he might be messaging?

You both sound immature.
Sorry.

He sounds insecure, he's constantly testing you because he's sure you will leave him. If you want to keep him you can't tease him about possible infidelity (even if he drives you to it), he already thinks every man you know is competition.

You both sound ridiculous tbh. I can’t believe this is two adults in a 2 year long relationship.

You are incompatible and both wasting time.

I think you should split up for both your sakes. You sound really hard work actually..

Long distance doesn’t suit everyone, especially insecure people and it seems you both are.

I assume you posted after the pub argument when you were still a bit drunk because you said he never visits you but then said he’s done DIY improvements on your home. Maybe it’s the drinking that’s the problem. He seemed to think so as he said he’d had enough to drink and left.

You both sound like children.

Were you trying to get a reaction out of him showing him all the messages from men on your phone?

its not going to work you both sound as bad as each other other

i can see this setup turning toxic move on

Hi, I wasn't trying to make him jealous and I'm sorry if I gave that impression. Quite the opposite. It was the look on his face when he saw the messages on my phone. He looked annoyed (that was onlymy interpretation and I may have been wrong). I was actually trying to reassure him he has nothing to worry about. Which he doesn't as I would never cheat. I wouldn't try to make him jealous.

I think people have completely the wrong impression of my intentions here. And yes, I am hard work sometimes.

Can you not understand that over the course of a 2 year relationship he has visited my home sometimes but the frequency has dwindled? He has visited me on about 10 occasions and I have visited him on about 40 occasions. Not exact figures, just by way of example.

And in the past six months he has been here once. During the times he was here he did work on my home. It is a huge effort now to get him to my city. I don't understand why this is so difficult to comprehend.

I read your op and your behaviour pissed me off. Tons of messages from men on your phone? You are not ten out of ten material for a guy. No wonder he got off home. I wouldn't bother with a partner who behaved like you, I could definitely do better.

How can you be bothered to waster your life on this immature toxic drama? This isn’t an adult relationship.

The fact you’re both middle aged and still indulging in this BS is ridiculous. Split up and stop wasting your time on this nonsense.

I am probably immature, I have to remind myself of my age. I don't think I am particularly or unreasonably jealous. He has a good female friend that I don't have a problem with at all. I want him to have friends. Platonic ones, obviously. Petty? Idk. Perhaps I am without realising. All I know is that I feel hurt by his "go off with who you like" comments when I was never suggesting that I would do that, and I absolutely was not trying to make him jealous, quite the contrary. I am too quick to anger, yes.

But thank you for your insight.

Sorry, I misunderstood you. My RL best friend likes him as a person but thinks he is insecure and socially awkward / inept. But I think you're right in that it is probably already over. If he fails to contact me by my birthday I will know for sure that it is over.

I understand why you think that. He is actually in his 60s. But in our defence, we had both had a lot to drink and there was possibly some residual unresolved tension from his previous strange joke that I could go and see someone down the pub for a shag.

Ten out of ten material?
Grow up.

How very interesting. Do you have problems with reading comprehension or are you still living in the Dark Ages?

The messages on my phone were from:

1. my boss, who rang me about shift arrangements;
2. my friendly ex from 15-plus years ago who has been happily married for 10 years. He is still a colleague and he's a good ally and has given me great advice about any work issues. We are certainly not interested in each other romantically but remain good friends.
3. One of my best friend from university, John, who is a big chubby fella. He is not my type and I'm not his - we are just great mates. Or are you one of these people that believes members of the opposite sex can't be friends? In which case I'm wasting my breath.
4. My hobby friend, James, as we go and do the same hobby together which my bf has no interest in. I have no romantic interest in him, I he has never given me reason to think that he is interested in me either.

I resent the implication that I am a cheat. I've had opportunities to cheat but would never do so because I like to think that, despite my myriad faults (clearly), that I do have integrity. Secondly, I am in love with this man and don't want anyone else.

I realise though that just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to be with them, and the best thing for both of us may be to break up.

Thank you for your interesting input.

Thanks for your thoughts. Can I ask you a question? In the heat of an argument, have you always responded appropriately and maturely? Be honest. If so, then I take my hat off to you. You are a rare individual indeed.

Thanks for your input. I would not allow a nasty breakup if that is indeed what it's come to. I have calmed down, and I would hope that I can let go with love and respect.

Ironically it’s him that’s feeling insecure

Is there a drinking problem on either or both sides. The only times I have seen people in their 50s/60s behave in such reactive and childish ways is when they have been raging alcoholics.

Apologies if I've already replied. It's undstandable that you feel this way. Most of the time, believe it or not, we are happy, or it seems so to me. This was just one alcohol-fuelled row that blew up suddenly. Earlier that day we'd had a lovely, fun time. And I have a lot of admiration and respect for him generally.

I reacted to his bizarre comment inappropriately as I'd had a lot to drink and possibly because of (my) underlying insecurities that bubbled to the surface.

I don't always feel respected by him though. He criticises me a lot and rarely pays me compliments.

You're acting like it was a one-off comment rather than a long string of events. I agree with what that poster said. I know 20 year olds in relationships who are more mature than you two.

That is what my best friend says. He has a chip on his shoulder too - has lots of intense hatreds of things. He "hates" my city , and some other cities, namely Manchester and Liverpool, and refuses to go to them. He hates the English, scousers in particular, the royal family to the extent that, (in the days when he did still travel to me), he point blank refused to come and see my friends from overseas because of the king's coronation. He hates posh people. He hates one of my closest, lovely friends and her hubby, who have been very generous and welcoming to him, just because they are rich and live in a mansion. I find it very strange.