What do you think? Huge row

[Liveinthewoods80]

I was in the pub with my partner of 2 years and he sees messages from men on my phone. One from an ex. I said, "We are still friends and he was passing on work gossip." Then I said of the other male names visible: "this one's my new boss, this one is from the (mixed) sports team I play in, this one is my pal John." etc.... So my guy said: "I don't care what you do. Do what you like. I'm not stopping you."

Which angered me. Then he said: "I've had enough to drink, I'm going home." I said: "It's only 9pm. I think I'll stay out and go on the pull seeing as you don't care who I sleep with."

We exchanged cross words and he stormed out. I waved at him as he left and called out "Bye!" I was quite drunk.

I didn't go on the pull of course. I am faithful. I got back home shortly after and slept in the spare room. Next morning he says: "Do you have any explanation for your behaviour?"

I said, "You said you didn't care if I went off with someone else and you are always saying things like this."

Only a week before I'd told him on the phone (we are long-distance) I was feeling horny and he joked: "You should go and see Alan in your local pub. He's desperate for it."

I said, "what? Are you saying I should go and sleep with him? What would you do if I did?" He said: "You needn't bother coming back."

Wtaf? Why does he say these things? I wouldn't dream of saying anything like this to him. I adore him. I'm always paying him compliments and being affectionate.

He never pays me compliments, is only affectionate when he wants sex and doesn't ever tell me he loves me. When I've asked him if he does, he is slippery and responds: "Why wouldn't I?" He never comes to my city to visit me, and it's always me travelling 4+ hours to his city.

Anyway, the row escalated where he just blamed me for everything, and I ended up leaving and going back to my city. He made a half-hearted attempt to persuade me to stay but I was really upset. I told him he'd hurt me and he just said: "I can't talk to you when you're like this. I'll talk to you later."

I left, haven't heard from him over the weekend and haven't called him. It's my birthday in a few days and if I haven't heard by then I'm guessing it is over.

What do you think?

I'm late 50s, he's in his sixties.

I thought you were young from your OP!

Because he says he shows love by the things he does for people. Yes, it is difficult when we have a row but it is not bad all the time - it is mostly good. Some men pay compliments and say they love you and it is BS, they could be cheating. I have known men like this - they were married to RL friends.

But when we do see each other he wants to do everything together, and he likes me being at his house. He has said to me: "I love having you here". He has asked me to move in many times and get a job in his city.

He doesn't like it when I go back to my city and always wants me to return sooner than I can. He is also inundated with work, whereas I have a lot of free time, so on a practical level it makes more sense for me to go to him. He lives in a big house and I live in a tiny little flat, so in that way it is easier too.

Yes, so did many people. I look and act younger than I am. People in RL are shocked when they find out my age because I look a lot younger, so I am told repeatedly.

I meant you sounded rather immature for someone in their 50s

Yes, perhaps so. I still feel as though I'm 18 in my head. Immature, maybe, but that doesn't make me an axe murderer.

I don't understand why you would feel the need to explain who or why someone is messaging you. You don't say he was questioning you or got upset. Why would you be upset that he accepts that you have the right to talk to anyone you want to? You are both mature adults not teenagers.
You appear to want him to be jealous.
You are the one dictating the status of the relationship by refusing to take it further (refusing to move in with him and not asking him to move to you).
It sounds to me like you want a fiery relationship full of jealousy like some mills and boon romance and he just wants an easy, calm, trusting relationship. I would guess in that case you are both incompatible.

The point is that your behaviour is childish. However young and nubile you think you look like, on here we can only go by what you write.

I think this will likely be a pattern for this man. He is emotionally underdeveloped and he “leaves/goes home/runs away” rather than confronting his inability to experience and express his emotions in an adult fashion. Possibly.

Do you have lots of male friends OP or lots of friends of both sexes? Just asking because men who have almost exclusively female friends are seen as not trustworthy so I suppose vice versa could be true?

Also, you may not have been trying to make him feel jealous but maybe you were. If you see that conversation through his insecure eyes it could be seen quite differently.
His comment about not caring what you do etc could be interpreted as him asking for reassurance but you interpreted it another way rightly or wrongly. Your response would have made him feel more insecure and so on.
Some people are jealous and just need a bit of reassurance, if it gets controlling that's a different matter.

Maybe try to look for the feelings behind what both of you were saying and discuss that instead of getting into a slanging match (easier said than done)

Thank you so much for not bashing me. I really appreciate your considered and empathetic response.

It's entirely possible that I have misunderstood his response as I do jump to conclusions.

I have very good female friends in RL too, who I am much closer to than the male uni / work/ hobby friends I hang about with sometimes.

I grew up a tomboy, playing football and cricket with the boys in the neighbourhood and playground. As a result I have always treated men like friends.

My RL female friends I am very close to and have known them since schooldays. One of them is coming over to my place tomorrow to spend the day and evening with me for my birthday, as I'm very upset right now and haven't heard from my partner.

I'm normally a people person. I will talk to anyone and make friends easily. My partner is a loner and doesn't particularly like meeting new people. I love parties, he hates them. We are different in many ways but alike in others, politically, our backgrounds etc.

Why are you defending him on here? You can see who you like, you don’t need mn permission. You won’t get it through - the whole set up and dynamic sounds awful.
not because you don’t live together. That’s fine in my book (not a very mn book)
what do you do together except go to the pub? I feel depressed just thinking about two half cut people bickering about invented infidelity in the pub. You sound like miserable bitter old boozers. Both of you deserve a better life and you won’t get it hanging about in pubs

@Liveinthewoods80 Because the context in which it was said and the way he said "I don't care what you do. Go and do what you want. I won't stop you." was very clearly his way of saying "go off with someone else if you want to." How else could it have been interpreted?

How do you know that? Generally, when I say something, I literally mean what is said. I'm not sure why your partner would be different.

For context, he had also joked a week earlier that if I was feeling horny I should go and sleep with a single guy at the local pub as he was "always looking for someone." Why say these horrible things to me?

Are you sure he wasn't making a joke about the desparate single man at the pub, rather than you?

So my guy said: "I don't care what you do. Do what you like. I'm not stopping you."
Which angered me. Then he said: "I've had enough to drink, I'm going home." I said: "It's only 9pm. I think I'll stay out and go on the pull seeing as you don't care who I sleep with.

Sorry OP but I think you were deliberately argumentative and goady here. It’s not right that he is being insecure about the messages from men but you flouncing like a teenager is hardly going to help the situation. Any reason you couldn’t have walked away (like he was doing) and discussed it properly when you were both sober?

It all sounds toxc and ridiculously immature. If you can’t find a way to have an adult conversation about how you both feel, it’s probably best to end the relationship.

We are into fitness and go to the gym a lot, we take a lot of weekend trips together as we like the outdoors and going cycling and walking.

Miserable old bitter boozers? Lol. I'm not bitter at all.

As for supposedly "defending him on here", I was merely trying to give some context and an overview.

What's wrong with pubs?
I'm sure the op doesn't spend all her time in pubs.
I hope she's in the pub tonight celebrating her birthday though 😁

From your posts OP, I see a man who appears to suffer with emotional disregulation.

I think, unless you want to be his whipping boy, it’s best to move on from this relationship.

I agree. It was my birthday yesterday. He didn't call me or send me a birthday card, just sent a text first thing in the morning saying"Happy birthday. Hope you have a lovely day."

That was it. I simply replied "Thanks Jim," (not his real name) and have heard nothing since.

Thanks for your support.
I had a lovely day and evening, thank you.

Me and one of my dearest RL friends (female) went for a meal at our favourite restaurant, then spent the afternoon at a gallery and doing a bit of shopping.

Last night we saw a very funny film, and I laughed a lot for the first time in at least a week.

I once read that "men will pinch your arse but women will save it". It's so very true, as I was supposed to spend my birthday with him.