What do you think? Huge row

[Liveinthewoods80]

I was in the pub with my partner of 2 years and he sees messages from men on my phone. One from an ex. I said, "We are still friends and he was passing on work gossip." Then I said of the other male names visible: "this one's my new boss, this one is from the (mixed) sports team I play in, this one is my pal John." etc.... So my guy said: "I don't care what you do. Do what you like. I'm not stopping you."

Which angered me. Then he said: "I've had enough to drink, I'm going home." I said: "It's only 9pm. I think I'll stay out and go on the pull seeing as you don't care who I sleep with."

We exchanged cross words and he stormed out. I waved at him as he left and called out "Bye!" I was quite drunk.

I didn't go on the pull of course. I am faithful. I got back home shortly after and slept in the spare room. Next morning he says: "Do you have any explanation for your behaviour?"

I said, "You said you didn't care if I went off with someone else and you are always saying things like this."

Only a week before I'd told him on the phone (we are long-distance) I was feeling horny and he joked: "You should go and see Alan in your local pub. He's desperate for it."

I said, "what? Are you saying I should go and sleep with him? What would you do if I did?" He said: "You needn't bother coming back."

Wtaf? Why does he say these things? I wouldn't dream of saying anything like this to him. I adore him. I'm always paying him compliments and being affectionate.

He never pays me compliments, is only affectionate when he wants sex and doesn't ever tell me he loves me. When I've asked him if he does, he is slippery and responds: "Why wouldn't I?" He never comes to my city to visit me, and it's always me travelling 4+ hours to his city.

Anyway, the row escalated where he just blamed me for everything, and I ended up leaving and going back to my city. He made a half-hearted attempt to persuade me to stay but I was really upset. I told him he'd hurt me and he just said: "I can't talk to you when you're like this. I'll talk to you later."

I left, haven't heard from him over the weekend and haven't called him. It's my birthday in a few days and if I haven't heard by then I'm guessing it is over.

What do you think?

He wouldn't move closer to me as he loves living where he lives, which is fine with me. I'm not crazy about the prospect of living with someone again, having done it twice before. I like my own space. I think you're probably right, that we are incompatible.

Go be happy, and let him find happiness too, it's got to be better than what you both currently have.

I wish you both well.

It sounds like you got upset in the pub because he wasn't jealous. Yet as your post continues you are upset when he's made that sort of comment before. It doesn't sound healthy tbh.

You can't make a man love you. He doesn't say it and knows you want him to because you ask. He doesn't make the effort to visit you and is only affectionate when he wants sex. so sounds like he wants the sex not you specifically.

Looking after you when you are sick and doing your washing at his house where he is doing his own isn't going above and beyond really is it. It's the basics of what you should be expecting from a partner.

Thank you. I'm sure you're right, but is very painful and difficult to say goodbye to someone you love. I will get over it though.

You sound really together, maybe quite young (?), but very aware. I'm sure you'll do the right thing for you. Just don't take any crap from men and go with the lovely ones who value and cherish you!

Yes, everything you've said is fair enough and is something I've been concerned about.

You both seem to be winding each other up one way or another.
Him saying he doesn’t care who you sleep with and asking you to explain your behaviour
and you saying you’ll stay out and go on the pull and highlighting all the men on your phone as I’m guessing you knew this would wind him up

Why are you together as neither seems to have respect for the other.

Yes it's hard but your feelings aren't reciprocated, what you want isn't what he wants, you are both at different life stages, so you are just killing time really.

Thank you. I wish I was young! I'm middle aged. I know. I'm not at all together, just wish I was. But I have been through heartbreak in the past and I know that one day I will get over it.

If we do split up I don't want it to be acrimonious. I can always look back and see why a relationship had to end, even if I couldn't see it at the time.

I do actually respect him. I just have difficulty in handling negative emotions and responding appropriately.

Middle age is young enough. I'm 60 and and would kill to be 50 again.

I know, right? 50 seems like a young whippersnapper. I'm 58.

I was still 'hot' at 50! I've not idea how my hotness has fallen off a cliff.

You made me laugh out loud! It is so true. I think when we have our bright and breezy, flirty "aura" on, it attracts others. I was in my heyday at 56/57. To my amazement men came on to me, even while I was out with my man. One of his lodgers came on to me last summer, lol. (My guy sent him packing, for other reasons.) But a few months later I look like a fat, miserable old hag who couldn't pull a door handle now!

You made me laugh out loud too!

I'm sure we're both still amazingly attractive.

Lol.

Naturellement! Witty and modest too .....

I don't suppose you live anywhere near me? I'm in Oxford.

I'm in London, so not that far away. How come you're up at this time - are you an extreme night owl like me?

Ex-London, yes night owl, shortly to retire to bed as the handyman is coming at 9.30am

Ah, right. London's strange. You moan about it when you're here but feel bored elsewhere! Maybe not in Oxford though as it's a beautiful city and close enough to London anyway. Yes, you'd better get some rest if the handyman's coming round early. I'm due at an exercise class later in the morning so I'd best be off too. It's been lovely chatting. Take care x

I don't think you sound compatible. In your post he seems insecure, immature and jealous, and sorry to say, you come off as petty and quick to anger. Though I understand why you would feel the way you do.

It sounds like it's over already, so if I were you I'd leave it that way. It's not worth it. He may have been nice about some things but as others have said, that's the bare minimum.

I'm really surprised that you're both in your 50s. I assumed you were both very young and immature from the sulking and point scoring of the conversation in the pub.

You're not making each other happy. The relationship isn't going anywhere. Time to call it a day.

Absolutely! They shouldn't get AI to write posts for them either.