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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp and I are meeting tomorrow night to discuss our future and if we should stay together, would appreciate some outside views (it's about parenting)

136 replies

Aimsmum · 29/04/2008 15:44

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OP posts:
MascaraOHara · 29/04/2008 15:48

to be honest as a single parent myself I would give him a very wode berth.

I don't think I could cope with someone telling me my dd should spend more time in her room.. my home is my dd's home also and she is welcome to play where she likes when she likes (within reason obviously).

Also if a step father came into my dd's life I would expect him to fall in to line with my parenting techniques.

MascaraOHara · 29/04/2008 15:49

I've just realised I'm actually quite angry on your behalf

he sounds controlling and selfish.

TotalChaos · 29/04/2008 15:52

I agree with Mascara. discouraging toys from living room isn't that bad, but discouraging noise and singing is not appropriate. Parenting (and by extention step-parenting) means putting up with noise and chatter at times when you are knackered, just returned from work, not feeling 100%.

VacantlyPretty · 29/04/2008 15:52

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Original poster
Aimsmum · 29/04/2008 15:52

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
soapbox · 29/04/2008 15:53

Dump him and run to the hills - he doesn't want a family he only wants you and might, might just be prepared to 'tolerate' your DD to get you, if and only if, she is kept in the closet and only brought out when he wishes to play at happy families.

TBH - I don't think it is even worth having the meeting - it isn't just that he doesn't get it - but that he doesn't want to get it.

Run, run, run as fast as you can...

beansprout · 29/04/2008 15:53

Your instincts are good. This is not about parenting but about wanting her out of the way.

mistlethrush · 29/04/2008 15:54

It sounds to me as though he wants to pick and choose which bits of the 'package' he is getting rather than taking the whole thing - if the package is you and your daughter, he needs to be very clear on this and its implications - and you are not being unreasonable - she shouldn't have to go and play in her room - after 7.30 is plenty of 'adult' time - she should be doing things with you and reading books and having conversations with you about her day etc etc.

zippitippitoes · 29/04/2008 15:54

well he is wrong plain and simple and not having children is no excuse

my now exdp moved in with me when children were 11 14 and 15 and he just accepted the status quo

he was very good with them and stayed for 8 years

the youngest ds had an excellent relationship with him

i wouldnt entertain a man who wouldnt be getting on well with my child

3littlefrogs · 29/04/2008 15:55

NO NO NO. I feel sorry for your dd already. she is only 7 and he sounds like a bully. A big child who doesn't want to share your attention.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but warning bells are jangling. I have 3dcs - my dd is my youngest and she is 10. She is still my baby and I wouldn't let anyone treat her the way he is proposing your dd should be treated. Listen to your gut feeling. Your inner voice is telling you, why else would you be posting on here?

zippitippitoes · 29/04/2008 15:56

and in two or three years time she is going to be more present not less

it just wouldnt bode well for the future you cant poack children off when you feel like it

Original poster
Aimsmum · 29/04/2008 15:56

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MascaraOHara · 29/04/2008 15:56

I would feel very very sad for your dd if you let him move in with you

Cappuccino · 29/04/2008 15:57

she won't be 7 forever, and she won't go to bed at 7.30 forever

she will be getting older and going to bed later and later

she will be watching TV

she will be chatting on the phone

what is he going to do then?

TotalChaos · 29/04/2008 15:57

At the moment he is likely to be on his best behaviour to get him to let you move in - so if he's like this now, imagine how intolerant he could get once his feet were under the table.

lollipopmother · 29/04/2008 15:58

I don't really think that he can love her like you say he does, because otherwise he wouldn't want her to be seen not heard, in fact, he doesn't even want to see her does he really?

I don't think the guy is the devil, he's not a parent and his view is one that many non-parents would have, however he is soon going to become one by default and I think that he is not ready. I would take his comments and realise that moving in would not be the best idea, and I would suggest also that he may not be the man for you, as he doesn't seem quite willing to take you both on.

As I said before, I don't think he is a bad man, your daughter is not his and he is not in the same place as you in that regards because of it, but I would say this is not the right relationship for you, you need to find a man that is 100% accepting and willing to take your daughter as his own, otherwise it will never work.

youknownothingofthecrunch · 29/04/2008 15:58

Have to agree with everyone. The most important thing, if he were to move in, is that her routine and boundaries did not change. I can't imagine how confusing it would be for a seven year old to suddenly be told everything that was acceptable is now not - on top of a new person in the home and all the basic issues that come with that.

I don't think he is ready to move in with you. And I think you know that already. I'm not saying split up with him, but do not compromise where your daughter is concerned.

Original poster
Aimsmum · 29/04/2008 15:59

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QueenyEisGotTheBall · 29/04/2008 15:59

hi i agree with mascara he is going to be the 'new' person in the home and so should therefore not try and change things before he has actually moved in. he has no children and would therefore not have a well rounded view of parentling other than what his mother/father had showed him. the child is YOURs and so you should be the one implementing any changes as you feel happy with not to keep him sweet. i would certainly reconsider the relationship as he is obviously quite controlling and also sounds a little strict. dont get me wrong a little bit of strictness towards some aspects of parenting is a good thing but if your DD is not being naughty or rude etc she shouldnt be made to 'disappear' as soon as he comes in the door. its her home first and then yours and his as she is the most important person in the situation. tell him if he moves in and doesnt like the noise in the family room he can go and play in his bedroom!! see how he likes it!!
xx ei xx

CrackerOfNuts · 29/04/2008 16:00

I agree with what has already said, and would also worry how he'd treat your dd once you'd have children with him.

It doesn't have to be the end of the relationship though, not if he can change. It must be hard for him if he has no children of his own. But that said, you have been with him for 2 yrs so you'd think by now, he'd get it.

mankymummy · 29/04/2008 16:01

He doesnt sound family orientated to me to be honest, if you have a family you need someone who wants to be a part of that.

I think your attitude towards your daughter is spot on, she is part of your family not something to be shut away for being too noisy. I'm getting quite cross too now thinking about.

My DP (same situation he has no kids I have DS) actually leaves work early some days so he can spend more time with DS or says lets keep him up for a bit longer. He plays with him and involves himself totally in our family life. He has time to himself doing blokey things when he's not here.

If he can't understand why you dont want your daughter shoved out of the way, I'm not sure why you'd want to be with him. Sorry thats a bit blunt but...

Uriel · 29/04/2008 16:02

Toys and noise and singing are what happy kids do.

I would not move in with this man until/if he changes his attitude wholeheartedly and with good grace.

I think your sentence

  • I want my DD to be thought as of an equal, to feel comfortable in her own home -

is so right.

claraquitetirednow · 29/04/2008 16:02

It sounds to me like he just needs to learn a bit more about parenting and what it entails. It is hard if you haven't been a parent yourself, I'm sure when we look back to our single, childless years we would not have believed we would one day have noisy, messy, chaotic children running around our beautiful homes - but that's what happens. Does he have any friends with children of a similar age? Can you get together with other families so he can see what the realities of life with children is like? Perhaps if he realised what was the "norm" he might start to come round a bit. It seems sad just to dump him if, as you say, he loves you and you him, but I would agree that your dd should be the priority.

mankymummy · 29/04/2008 16:04

sorry x-posted there.

think you are right.. it isnt going to work. or rather it isnt going to work with him moving in. if you get on well apart from this cant you still to living separately? then he gets his "me time".

QueenyEisGotTheBall · 29/04/2008 16:04

whoops x-posted!! everyone else is right too
xx ei xx