Dp and I are meeting tomorrow night to discuss our future and if we should stay together, would appreciate some outside views (it's about parenting)

[Aimsmum]

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I think he seems like a nice bloke who is making lots of effort - and is being practical with thinking through issues before they occur. It;s obviously a big adjustment for all three of you - and you'll all have wobbles on he way - but I don't see why people are being so negative about the long term prospects of your relationship.

It sounds like you all appreciate each others contribution to the family and have created a structure where everyone's needs are considered. To me that seems like a strong base to work through any teething issues,

By the standards of some of the other posters on this thread, a lot of men who grew into being fantastic fathers should have been disqualified at the first hurdle.

Good luck with it tomorrow night

o god we have been together nearly 10 years and still we have the battle of my kids and his kids, it is so very hard

Run, run, run.

Sorry but have read OP again and I am still with Yurt. He has no concept of integrating as a family and wants to divide and rule.
Sorry Aimsmum.
Basically he wants to be the most important person in your life. He never will be.
Stay friends by all means, he sounds nice in other ways, but what he is demanding/suggesting now can be taken as a portent of things to come - almost a warning.

I can barely believe he has the gall to even mention something like this.
I can only think that perhaps he is afraid it will NOT be the way he wants it to be, and is trying either to get you to say , Oh well we;'d better not live together then' so he is off the hook, or else to 'warn' you that he will expect to be top of the tree and no less, so if he ever complains about DD, he will be able to say 'well I did say before I moved in' bla bla.

Quite possibly he knows deep down he can't cope with being a parent full time and will be relieved if you say no.

To my mind he evidently can't cope with it as if he was the right bloke for the job, he would be loving the prospect of being in a family with you and your child.

My ex was another who really didn't want more kids - I thought naively that I could have a boyfriend for me, and he wouldn't have to be a dad to my child, but it was impossible.

One example text from him:
'Here's honesty: Kid's a pain in the arse, but you are so the one'

If you're arguing and things aren't happy - then you are not ready to take the next step to move in together. Moving in won't fix the things that are wrong and will only make things worse.

Actually it was 'kid's a pain in the arse (sometimes)' which isn't really any better. (Why say it at all if he didn't want me to say' sure, I'll have him adopted so we can be together')

Plus after I left/we broke up (still not sure who left) he had the nerve to ring me saying he 'missed Ds' and asking to talk to him!
Asking to get back together because he missed the child he had so thoroughly resented and competed with during the relationship takes the piss.

again, your bloke is probably not this bad but you get my drift

Moving in together means two things, separately.

he means "Live with my girlfriend"

you mean "Live as a family"

I think you have crossed wires.

It's not unusual for a childless man to be completely unrealistic about what living with a chil entails. He needs a trial run. He also needs fair warning about what you will and will not do.

I would, for example, be extremely clear about how you will NOT be permanently available to massage his ego and happily follow his every whim, just because he lives with you. You are already available, and (sorry but this is just parenting) already living with the whims of someone much more important. You cannot be the adoring and readily available partner he wants ... so he either has to adjust his expectations of what life in your family entails, or not move in.

Expecting a little girl to be shunted off to a side room like an annoying dog is disgusting ... but then, childless people often have disgusting ideas.

Smug, I couldn't agree more.

This is ONLY my opinion and I am probably alot older than you lot! So perhaps I see your dp point-of -view a little. I was a single parent of my DS,he was 6 when I met my DP(husband to be)He hadn't had a serious relationship for a good while,and hadn't been a parent.We valued our time together as a couple,and he wanted to be a "dad" to my son.It was a hard transition for him,it is important to put the wishes of your child first,I agree,but also you need "couple" time,as many relationships fail,as Mums become so involved with their children,that the couple end up with nothing in common.He is telling you that he values your "special" time,and everyone has to adjust to new routines when he moves in.If you try to discuss this reasonably,and don't dig your heels in I'm sure he will adjust his views about the child playing in their room.While you go head to head,each of you will make ultimatums and no "compromise" will be reached.Living together is Give and take.My (now) husband and our do clash over parenting issues,but discuss them out and reach a compromise which we are both happy with,usually.We have agood marriage and have 2 more children together and he has "learnt" to be an excellent father,to ALL our children.If you love this guy and YOUR child does,you can all adjust together with a flexible attitude to the changes.Good Luck!

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Glad to hear it

If he was like mine you'd have been miles away by now, you sound very sensible!!

If it were me I would tell him if he doesn't like your DD playing, singing, dancing etc in HER OWN HOME, he's quite welcome to go and play in his/your bedroom !!

Selfish in the extreme I'm afraid. I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship if he wasn't mature enough to appreciate that HE is moving on on your DDs territory and that HE is the one who has to make the adjustments/compromises, at least at first, to ensure DD is accepting of him NOT the other way around.

Thanks AimsMum, I hope the hypnotherapy does help

I think that it will take some adjustment for your dd to become accustomed to a new family set up and if you decide to make any changes, they need to be gradual as your dd will be feeling vulnerable at this time and will need to feel included.

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Really sorry to hear that, Aimsmum. Hope things work out well for you in the future.

"He really is a genuinely nice person, just with unusual, and unacceptable ideas about children"

Some nice role model/stepfather for your daughter he would have been - NOT. I think you've both had a lucky escape frankly. He would have become more ghastly to your daughter over time.

I actually think you love him far more than he loved you. He "loved" you but only wanted you for himself and he may well never have fully accepted your daughter's rightful place in her own home.

On a wider level too this relationship did not seem completely sound to start with if there were lots of disagreements and niggles; those also cite problems with communicating with each other effectively.

Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied.

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I'm sorry
You sound very strong to have reached this decision despite your deep feelings for him.

Three cheers to you though for putting your daughter first. Many of us don't see through the haze of attraction to the pragmatics of relationships and there are a lot of men who don't find it easy being around children.

Kind of makes me despair when even the nice ones like yours, are uncertain when it comes to children!

I hope you will be happy after the hurt subsides x

sorry to hear the news, Aims. wishing you the best.

how sad for ypou all..good luck with things in the future