Dp and I are meeting tomorrow night to discuss our future and if we should stay together, would appreciate some outside views (it's about parenting)

[Aimsmum]

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People who have no children have NO CLUE what it's like to have children - all they have is a set of ideals which are usually totally the opposite of what real children are / do. The more I think about this man's demands, the more I don't like it, quite honestly. For a start off, he's making it quite plain who'll be ruling the roost as soon as he moves in, IMO. And yet, he's moving into YOUR home. That's not right.

You could easily compromise and say that dd will not be sent to her room to play, like a dog to a basket, but you are prepared to make sure all toys are away by 6.30 when he gets in (you can have quiet time around then with her). I don't like it though. not sure I'd do it. He sounds very unsympathetic to a child's needs, and unsympathetic to the mother's need to fulfill that child's needs. IYSWIM.

it sounds to me like what he is thinking is when am i going to have time to myself and my own space

well he isnt really

Hmm, she definetly isnt going to be going to bed at half seven forever...do you have to move in with him?
FWIW I would be incredibly fucked off with someone who tried to get my kids out the way when they were going to bed soon anyway...but even if they WERENT id still be very fucked off.

He sounds like a cock.

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I agree with what everyone else has said. also, if he's like this wrt a 7 year old, how is he ever going to cope if you have children together? wil he expect the crying baby to go and cry in its room? or for all crawling/playing to be done away from him?

No no no I would get rid pronto.

My widowed Grandmother remarried when my mum was 15 or 16. His behaviour towards my mum was similar to how you describe your dp. By the time she was 17 she was more or less squeezed out and left for good at 18. It took many, many years for the relationship between my grandmother and mum to be re-established.

Sadly, I don't think your dp is the right step-father for your dd. I'm sorry

My dh moved in with me and my four children

He already had a son.

We have very different parenting techniques but agree on the fundamentals.

I think if you disagree on the fundamentals you are hammered and twill end in disaster. Your daughter will become the emotional punchbag in your relationship - however much you love her and you love him - you will be protecting one and defending the other and you will be constantly torn.

Sorry.

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Aimsmum - you are very welcome to come here with him between 5pm and 7pm any given day of the week and he will see that living with children is ALWAYS noisy!!!!

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Hi Aimsmum,

I know everyone has jumped on him and said to leave him etc and it may yet still come to that, but if you love him and dd likes him, do you think you would be prepared to give him a chance?

Perhaps say let him stay for a week or two and see how it goes. Get him to do the school run with you and take dd to afterschool activities.

When I was growing up, my parents were of the old school type, I wasn't allowed any toys in the lounge etc, food was to be eaten in the kitchen and nowhere else. I did end up playing a lot in my bedroom. I am an only one and certainly didn't feel lonely, in fact I used to quite enjoy speaking into my tape recorder (hmm, remember them). I guess even now I quite enjoy my own company.

It seems very hard to try to make the right decision for all of you.

Good luck.

Can I give an alternative point of view?

I think the easy thing here is to be (rightly) angry at Aimsmum's DP's approach. Implicitly, and emotionally, it pisses me off that someone can even think like that

BUT (and no doubt I'm going to get flamed here)

He has no experience of living with children. He doesn't even have much experience of anyone else living with children. Generally, people (especially guys) with no experience of living with kids finds it incredibly hard work being around them. I can see it with my childless friends - a mate will come round to watch the football and (still) be surprised that we won't be idly sitting on the sofa with a beer chatting but rather having DD clambering on us, shouting, demanding "Beebies", running around etc.

I'll be honest, before I had a kid I didn't especially like being around people who had kids. To us, as parents, they're wonderful, special, absorbing and delightful. But to many people (again, especially guys) without children they're loud, they're annoying, they constantly demand attention and they screw up "fun" things, like going down the pub. Before DD, going round a friend's place who didn't have kids was one hell of a lot more fun than going round someone's who did.

I think my point here is that there's no way, even if he thinks he can, that he can imagine what it would be like if he actually did live with you. That the dancing goes hand in hand with the cuddling. That the singing goes hand in hand with bedtime stories. It's easy just to see the negative bits, until you see how they go with the good bits. Does that make sense or am I just talking crap?

So you say in the OP that you spend most of the week together - has he ever done a typical, full-on-parenting week with you both, as opposed to you making the effort to spend time with him because he is there?

Perhaps you could try that - if he changes his stance as a result then fine, you can start to plan for the next stage. If not, then you have to consider if you want a relationship which is never going to progress to moving in together.

Poor you - between a rock and a very very hard place.

I like Fimbo's idea of having him to stay for a week so he can see all the realities of parenthood.

Glad you've decided not to move in with him! Personally I'd leave him, but I know that's easier said than done.

Have him over for a week where you and DD just do what you always do, let him observe and see what the reality is like, if he is still adamant he wants things to change then he really isn't the one.

I left a guy who started demanding that I change my parenting styles because they where 'wrong' and he'd do it better . He was a first class tosser.

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Are you sure he wants to move in with you? Does he feel pushed into it and he's using this as an excuse?

I know I am going against the grain here, but I think if it was me if I truly loved him, I would give him a chance, but very strictly on your terms. Like you said no dipping in and out when it suits him - all or nothing.

Do you really love him? Could you imagine spending the rest of your life with him? Have a child with him?

If you are unsure then I think you have your answer.

When I married my first dh and became an instant step parent to his dd who lived with us. I was CLUELESS I had no idea how to cope, how to go with the flow etc etc etc etc

I now have 4 of my own dds and I am completely different and I could now be a "good" step mum to her (all too late unfortunately).

So I'm a supporter of what cestlavie, also when they two of you have been very close for 7 years perhaps your dd does get far more sway/say than a 7 year old in a 2 parent family so there are going to have to be some changes anyway tbh.

Aimsmum: sure, and I think that they're probably the right things to think about. Even guys who are really good people struggle to be around children until they get immersed in it (um, myself included).

The one month idea sounds really sensible, especially on those terms. It gives everyone an idea of how it might work out. At the very worst, even if it doesn't, you've given it your best shot and you know that it wasn't meant to be...

When dh and I got together we didn't want any children, we looked after his nephews on a few occasions and were put off for life.

Feelings change. My dh loves being a parent something he wouldn't have said all those years ago.

Sorry I am waffling now.

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Could you carry on as you are until dd's a bit older?

I need to go now, good luck for tomorrow.