Dp and I are meeting tomorrow night to discuss our future and if we should stay together, would appreciate some outside views (it's about parenting)

[Aimsmum]

Message withdrawn

Sorry to hear that Aims. Hope you feel happier again soon.

Message withdrawn

Don't think you portrayed him as a bad person. I think you have described both of you as being very sensible about the whole situation.

It has been a really hard decision for the both of you, but it sounds like you have both put your daughter first.

you sound like a bloody fantastic mum, and a great woman. you will meet the man who deserves you when the time is right.

Message withdrawn

Ainsmum,

Re your comments:-

"He was really crying when he left, saying he would still do things with DD etc and that he loves us, but I don't think that would be wise".

I think you are right in that all contact should now cease as you're no longer together. BTW his crying can also actually be seen as manipulative. Think he "loved" you more than your daughter and did not accept you both fully; he only wanted what ultiamtely suited him (which is to have your daughter packed off to her room when it was "incovenient" for him to have her around. I therefore do not think for one minute he would have made either a kind or good stepfather to her.

You did the right thing. Not all women in your situation would have ended it and the underlying issues with communicating effectively with one another would have continued to fester.

"We have a holiday booked for the summer and everything"

Take his name off the holiday booking and have a nice time with your daughter. Its not too late to change the booking although they will likely charge you to make a change.

I was in your position 10 years ago.

I decided that my son would never welcome anyone into our life and I didn't want him to have even an unspoken responsibility for me having no partner. I suppose I didn't think I could do any better and that there was no such thing as a perfect marriage.
I hoped that the relationship would improve because sometimes they were fine but always competing for my attention I suppose.

Anyway perhaps selfishly I did marry my partner and have had 3 more children.

Sometimes we still row about my son. My dh has supported him all these years but never loved him as he does his own children or as I wish he could have.
My first son loves and adores his little brothers and sister and he wants me to be happy and dh is the guy he loves to hate.

Things have never been perfect and sometimes I wonder did I do the right thing. When I see stepdads who appear to love their stepchildren I wonder is it real and if so I am very jealous.

I think this break up is a good and brave thing for you to do. Your (x)partner may realise how important this is and change his attitude. Or you may go on and meet someone who is better with kids. I wish you all the best whatever happens.

I had a nice boyfriend when Ds1 was small - not exactly a boyfriend, but a man I hung out with a bit and quite fancied.
I was pregnant with my second and he came over one evening.
He was sweet and I liked talking to him, he was very shy also I think - never had a long term girlfriend and clearly fancied me, as I did him.
We watched TV and Ds1 wouldn't go to sleep...man went out to buy something for supper, but before he went he made some daft comment about my son - something probably tongue in cheek, but I had a moment when I thought he meant it - something disparaging about kids.
Anyway as he was leaving he asked if he should bring anything for me when he came back, and we just looked at each other and knew he wasn't coming back, because he knew and I knew that I needed someone who understood and loved my children.
Lovely guy but there you go.
I think it would have been a disaster to go out with him.
Hope you feel better soon Aimsmum - I'd echo the person who said you are a great mum, very impressed how you have handled this. Dd is lucky to have a strong mother x

Message withdrawn

Oh gosh it must be so hard for you.

Maybe seeing him once in a while might be Ok?

I have a good male friend we see from time to time and ds loves him, he loves ds...never been to bed together, considering it
but need something like 110% commitment to my children now before I get involved...learned the hard way

I am far less canny than you
You and dd have your foundationd intact, which cannot be said for many families. You really are a good mummy xxx

Oh darling girl.

I think you're really brave. I hope you look back on this time in a few years and know you made the right decision.

Message withdrawn

It's not your fault and you haven't ruined anything. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You got to a point where you realised that you and your partner had incompatible ideas about some fundamental parts of your life. You have to take risks or you'd never get involved with anyone.

It's happened to me a few times - that you reach that crunch point. It's why I split up with my last two long term BFs - I wanted kids and they didn't. That was easier because I was on my own so no one else got hurt.

It's harder when you have a child to consider. But now I'm a single mum, I really believe that your child's long term needs must come first. And I know that it's going to hurt her in the short term but you made the right decision for both of you I think.

just wanted to say

good for you

you are clearly a wonderful mother and great woman, well done you made the right choice

your dd is one lucky lady

just take your time and enjoy your relatioship with your dd

I think you're very strong.

Best of luck.

good for you. How he behaves towards your dd is non negotiable, well done for making it so.

You haven't ruined things, you are taking a stand. You are definately right not to just crumble to his will where your daughter is concerned.

Since all three of you love each other and I don't know the whole story but maybe you will get back together with a new understanding. When coming up to making a commitment there has to be this stage of hammering out the ground rules and it is a make or break time.

Do you know.. you are feeling exactly what I felt in July last year when I split from my (now) xp. He was not my dd's father but had been around for 3 of her 5 years nad was the closest thing she had to a proper dad.

It was breaking up his and her relationship that made my heartbreak.

Like you I knew he lovd me infininitely but there are somethings that, not matter how much you both love each other, just can't be compromised on. For us it was drugs/lying for you guys it's parenting techniques.

I've no real point to this post other than to tell you that I have been in your position and can so relate to trying to make people understand that you know he loves you and that despite everything/anything he's not a bad person.

I hope things work out for you you do sound very very strong. I'm only just starting to feel like I'm getting my life back together and xp is still on the scene (like you close mutual friends). I still love him and he still loves me but I think we are both resigned to knowing that we just can't make it work (we've tried twice now with a 4yr split and my dd in between)

Who knows what will happen in the future between you and he.

Message withdrawn

Message withdrawn

Aimsmum, I'm really sorry it has come to this. I don't quite understand why it had to end just because it wasn't the right time to move in, especially as every one of you will be heartbroken by the decision. I feel very sad for all of you.

Message withdrawn

sorry to hear it was awful

lots of ears and support here..

Have you told your dd yet? have you talked about him keeping in touch with her at all?