Dp and I are meeting tomorrow night to discuss our future and if we should stay together, would appreciate some outside views (it's about parenting)

[Aimsmum]

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I honestly think he just doesn't have a clue about living full time with a child, rather than any nastiness.
I would invite him to live full time in your home for 1 month, under YOUR rules to let him see what it is really like, without a break and without a night back at his own place.
He may realise himself how far off the mark he is on this. Good luck.

Hmmm.

On the one hand, new person moving into the family obviously has to be handled sensitively, so Dd doesn't feel like she's been sidelined in favour of 'new person'.

But - as someone who isn't a single parent - I find it essential that the kids bugger off in the evenings, so dh and I have a bit of time being a couple, not a parenting team. My eldest is 4. I insist on own rooms after 7, even if I can hear Dd is reading or listening to music or playing.

DH is a fantastic hand-on Dad. However, I find he's best at being 100% focused at some times and then vegetating 100% at other times.

the thing that made me think is "I want my DD to be thought as of an equal" children are not equal to adults. Their needs are equally as important though. I know my ex treated his dd almost equal like and the family therapist said he need to address it as it was unhealthy for her to feel she was equal.

I don't know how to put this without it coming off wrong, but my experience with single parent families that I know (esp with eldest girl) is that the parent and the eldest/only child form more of a 'partnership' than parents and eldest children of two parent families. Your DP - rightly - expects to come into your family as your partner (rather than a lodger or older brother), so that inevitably means renegotiating Dds position to an extent.

I think defending time and space for good communication is important for any couple - especially when things are new. If your Dd is always around, when will you have time to talk through any issues that might be coming up between you and your Dp?

My suggestion would be to have a three way meeting somewhere neutral (like a family pub dinner) where your Dd and your Dp can negotiate a mutually acceptable solution. i think a 7 year old, given a bit of space, can be impressively articulate and consistent. Certainly I think negotiation is better than having a black and white view of 'Dd is vulnerable Dp is selfish'. So, your Dd might be happy to agree to play in her room from 7.30 pm, but might really like him to stop - say - raising his voice, or grumbling about singing.

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TBH, I think I would split up with him.

Certainly under NO circumstances would I move in with him unless his attitude changed.

But he doesn't get it and never will because he doesn't have kids.

And, seeing it from the viewpoint of a 7-year-old girl who has been on her own with her Mummy for 4 years now and whose biological dad was in and out, I'd be inclined to tell him to take a hike.

The whole 'adult time' would do it for me.

Why? Because when you become involved with someone who has kids they are a package deal. There IS no separating them for their kids, that's unfair and wrong and the major reason why I never went out with men who had kids back when I was single and childfree - I was able to admit I was too selfish to take that one and it wasn't good for the kids, not their fault I felt like that.

Have only read the OP but I don't understand why you're with him, let alone thinking of moving in with him. I have a ds from my first marriage and wouldn't be with dh#2 now had he not shown affection and care and agreement on parenting towards ds.

Sorry, I can see his point a little bit and I think he's being quite honest bringing it up before you live together rather than after. How about a compromise ? Some people do need some time to adjust when they come home from work, it doesn't mean they don't like children. How about you playing with her in her room for about the first half hour when he comes in, both of you together, a kind of girlie time, then ask him to become more involved after about 7.15 in bed-time, story reading etc. I'm sure there are ways around these things because apart from that you seem really happy with him.

i don;t think your dd is an equal se is a child you and your patner will be the parents this relationship is not equal - is a dicatorship - as nicely as you want - using whatever methods you see fot - you ge your child to do what to believe your child shoudl do at any given point.

your dd should feel comfortable in her own home - singing dancing laughing playing are all acceptable in any area of the house - the more the better.

you must sit down and decide what your partner can and cannot parent.

you must realise that you will be being faught over.

partner will want to be dominant male and might do some shitty stuff to prove this.

you need to tell daughter that partner now had right to tell her to d things

tel partner she is 7 years old and to give a bit of slack.

tell your partner that you will do whatever is fair and you will let things go - but at the end of the day your daughter wil always be loved more - thats how mums work married or not natural children or not

I haven't read the other replies but my knee jerk response is this....
Your dd was around before your bf and her needs and feelings come first. You're right sending her to her room to have adult time when her bedtime is 7.30 (adult time all night) is ridiculous and sounds like your bf is jealous of the relationship you have with your dd. I can only see this getting worse when he moves in. It really isn't any of his business, unless your dd is really dreadful, to say that she rules the roost as this questions your parenting and he has no experience or in any postion to judge.
I would wonder if you ever had a child together whether he would have the same rules or would then push your dd out completely.
I think you need to let this one go, really sorry. Asking MN it seems that you know that already and just need a little encouragement or validation. Good Luck.

Before we become parents don't we all have our ideas of how we will/won't do it? We won't bribe them with sweets, we won't shout at them in the supermarker, we will see them as individuals etc etc

The reality is really quite different! It takes time and experience to realise this. You have the experience, and I really think he needs to take your lead with all things parenting until their relationship has 'bedded in'.

Good luck with whatever you do

Aimsmum, I am so sorry but having red your OP, he has to go.

Really.
Anyone who is this jealous of your child has no place in your (and her) home.

I would be furious.
It would be such a betrayal of her to allow him to take precedence over her already established and good relationship with her mother

My ex said this too, 'he runs you ragged, he can't be allowed to be in charge' etc etc. My son was 3

So sorry. It's awful but I think from the fat you're posting this and talking to him about the doubt you have shows that you know already.

Stand up for DD - no one else will.
xx

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i do think nonimous brings up a very salient point in that maybe you're not ready to move in.

there's no rush, after all.

I'm sure you'll do what is best for her this time too xx

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Please do not allow him to impose these rules on your dd. When I was a little girl, I was told to be quiet and not make noise because my step dad didn't like it. I was very unhappy and used to pretend to be invisible when I was downstairs so he didn't notice me I am having hypnotherapy to get over the incredible damage it did to my confidence.

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