How did you envisage your life would be when you reached middle age? Has it drastically changed?

[silverbaubles22]

I'm in my 50's and truly thought that I'd still be happily married when I was this age. What actually happened was my exH got another woman pregnant and we had a horrific divorce. It's still a hard pill to swallow, and financially, I'm not well off since our divorce.
This made me wonder about other and whether other people's dreams went a bit pair shaped?

Kind of where I expected to be, kind of not?

No kids, worked very very hard at my career and did well. Bought a nice place to live that I love. That all felt part of the plan.

But - had some enormous terrible medical things. Came out of an abusive relationship a while back which has also had lasting emotional effects and left me very nervous about ever opening myself up again. Got bullied out of my job last year by an insecure male manager, despite being one of their best performing staff.

But!!! Had a very unexpected inheritance from a distant relative around the same time which meant I could actually retrain in the field I'd always wanted to work in but never thought it was for me. Had lots of therapy. Made new friends and a new life for myself, whilst keeping what the old life had already given me.

I feel very very lucky. I'm still not fully healed after the last 5-10 years, but I am genuinely excited about what the next stage of things looks like (love, work, life). I'm aware I've made some of my own luck, but some has fallen out of the sky, completely unearned. Don't think I could feel so grateful for what I had if hadn't had the bad stuff, trite as that sounds. I feel I'm really starting to get to know myself, and my potential.

I'm so sorry for folks on here who've been given a rough ride by life (and men). I hope things get better for you.

I never saw myself becoming a single parent to two pre schoolers, 18m apart. Then, at aged 46, have them both leave home in the same year and me move away to a new area where I didn't know anyone and become mortgage free.

I'm 53 now and also never envisaged being disabled but I'm very proud of my DC, even if one went NC 4yrs ago.

I’m 53. I had a miserable awful marriage for 20 yrs, got divorced at 45 and started again with 4 yr old DS in a brand new city, a different part of the country. New career, managed to buy my own house, met different friends. Have worked bloody hard over the past eight years to make it work, things were financially very hard. Met lovely DP 2 years ago after 6 yrs on and off online dating (!), unexpectedly now having the best sex of my life and lots of happy times together.
So far, no serious health issues. Life feels unexpected and I’m deeply aware of the precariousness of it all, especially after losing my mum last year, but am currently more content than I’ve been for most of my life. I hope it lasts as long as possible.

If I thought that at 40 I would be single, still living at home, two chronic illnesses, no kids and in low paid work then I don't know what I would have done.
I at least thought I would be in my own place with a few cats, healthy and happy. It devastates me it really does.
I'm not actually 40 until later next year but I can't see anything changing in that time unless I win the polls.

Had a shit marriage of 25 years.

Became a single mum of three at aged 43

Met a lovely man 2 years later, we have now been together 18 years.
I retired last year, my health is not the best but I am so happy.
My only regret is that I stayed in a miserable marriage for so long.

In my heart, I always knew there was a better life out there for me somewhere, very thankful for how things turned out.

Another one who feels like I got through the shitty part of my life in my 20's/ early 30's.

I was married with 3 kids. Sadly the 3 kids were after ten miscarriages. My ex DH cheated on my with a friend of mine. He was an alcoholic who used his mental health to get me to stay,

I started training for a new career at 30 and that showed me there was more to life. And divorced him. Finished my degree. It was the hardest 3 years of my life

I decided after being single for 8 years and 8 years of terrible dating I was content, I had a lovely house, my eldest had moved out, I had a good career that I enjoyed and I bought myself a brand new car (one I've always wanted.

So that's how I thought my 40's+ would be how my life is, working, enjoying time with my friends.

3.5 years ago I was at my local pub. Where I met my now DH. We moved in together admittedly quite quickly but as he works away he was pretty much at my house when he was home anyway!

We have a lovely life. I'm so happy and content, the DC, now older enjoy spending time at both the our house and their fathers, we are mortgage free (I'm aware we are very lucky to be in this position at 43) we have several holidays a year, at least one abroad, we've done some once in a life time holidays too, as well as being able to pay for our perfect wedding 10 weeks ago,

I often think back to my single mum days where I was having to count every penny, a week or two before payday I would run out of money,

I'm able to work semi part time now in a job I love. And afford to live without counting Pennys and sitting in the cold in winter! I love my DH all the world and I miss him terribly when he's away but his work (which he enjoys) does make our life easier

64, if I thought about getting this old I would’ve imagined I’d be happily married with grown-up children and probably grandchildren. Ready to retire from a long and satisfying professional career.

Well, the marriage broke up more than 30 years ago, never met anyone else I wanted you to settle down with, and not regretting my choices, reading some of the stories on here.

Grew to hate the job I trained for, but managed to move sideways and have had a well-paid and mostly successful career. Gave it all up 10 years ago to become self-employed and have loved it. And I’m now realising the benefits of having had a good pension plan for the last 15 years of working life.

My parents were old when I was born, I lost them both in my 40s. I miss them but glad that bit is over with. Still have a very good relationship with my siblings and regular contact.

What I didn’t expect when I was younger was that I would have such strong and vital friendships with other women. I struggled to make friends at school, and I think I’m so lucky now to have a circle of good friends who I’ve known for many years.

My only regret is never having children, but it’s enabled me to support my nieces through university and I have a great relationship with a younger friend and her children. So it’s turned out very differently to what I expected, but on the whole much better.

thank you for asking this question, it’s an interesting thread. I rarely look back because you can’t change what has been. I’m happy today.

I’m so sorry to hear that :(. I hope the treatment is going well?

When I was a teenager I thought I'd be married at 21 and have two kids.

Nearly did get married at 25 so still saw middle age as married with two kids.

Had a horrible break up and was resolutely single for a decade. So until 35 I thought middle age would be travelling the world (I was almost mortgage free by then) and retraining for a different job. No kids.

Met someone at 36, married him within 22 months, had a baby. I'm a sahm. I love it.

Divorced. Poor because my exh squandered everything and racked up debts. Was fiercely aggressive - think screaming in my face - when I wanted to know more about the family finances.

I face poverty in old age because of his recklessness and the dcs and I live in rented accommodation even though we had a big, mortgage free house.

So I am anxious every day about our future. I detest the man for fucking up in every possible way.

I am nearly seventy and I imagined my life being less conventional than it turned out to be. I thought I'd be living in a commune or a van, or something like that,
Apart from that, it's not too dissimilar.

I had the early disastrous abusive marriage, had children young and experienced homelessness and poverty when I escaped. It took a few years to establish a reasonable home and an income, but I did it.
Somewhere along the way we did actually live in a community for a while, with a mill and a shop and animals and so forth, and also a few squats in London, which was actually good fun.

Then I got an education and had a career, as did DH2, and we ended up a house in the country and eventually became mortgage free.
DH2 and I rub along, life is quieter now, but we can pay bills and do what we want, more or less.
I have a van to stay in during the summer and we have some land to grow food and camp on, I am a member of a coven and fiddle about with arty projects and pagan camps, all of which I expected to do. I haven't yet written a book, though.
One thing I didn't expect was the deaths of so many friends, and siblings. It makes my older age a bit sadder, now they're not here.

Mid 50’s. Not married, I Co parent with partner due to fact we have a child and she needs the stability but otherwise we would have split. This works ok on the whole. Feel sad that I don’t have romance but being menopausal I don’t miss it as much as I could I guess!
Family issues including a parent who I know realise has always been absent and is possibly ASD and a little narcissistic but still cares in their own way. Sibling is mentally ill so very little family support.
It’s been v tough advocating for my ND child in school to get the support they need.
Main beef for me is my career, I had a brilliant one but it fell apart after becoming a parent but also I think due to undiagnosed ND, menopause, and bluntly increased privilege in my industry which prefers middle class workers. I struggle to even get shortlisted for low income jobs which I wouldn’t have even considered as a graduate. The contrast is unbelievable, many who haven’t become parents (especially the men) are on huge salaries and have brilliant roles. All the skills I have built up, I was seen as very talented seem to count for nothing. When I have worked I’ve had on the whole awful managers so my confidence is rock bottom and in this regard I am very unfulfilled. Financially ok but I made a lot of sacrifices to pay off my mortgage as partner earns a pittance, but will need to keep earning. I realise I am luckier than many but am not happy, I try to make the best of it.

@Luminear a lovely post to read. All power to you!

I've recently turned 50 and had various parties. One of them was with school friends. Someone said fucking hell if we knew what we would have been through at 15 to where we are now we would have been terrified. Between 5 of us we have lost 2 children, one person was infertile, 2 lost their siblings in their 20s, 2 divorces, 2 severe chronic illnesses, 1 person has had cancer, at least 3 domestic violence incidence, loss of friends and parents.

Very different to anything I imagined, although I was never one for looking very far forwards. 50, single and no kids (the latter was always the plan). Spent 25 years in lucrative but all consuming finance jobs then had a mid life crisis during Covid. Also looking at people 10 years ahead of me in my industry who had plenty of money but dedicated their lives to the job, at a cost to family and other things. I moved somewhere cheaper, took a part time job and engaged fully with my family. Got a dog, live a quieter life, cared for my mother till she died. I'm lucky to be financially secure and have a small close family, good friends and hobbies. I'm lonely and would like a partner but have struggled with that between the men looking for a nurse with a purse and the casual shag crowd. I miss the energy of the demanding life but equally have found happiness in a quieter life. Feels a bit like everything is a trade off

I'm 59 and both my parents died in 2022.

I miss them terribly (they lived next door) but I've inherited substantially. All should be positive financially and we've made a lot of plans.

But I'm having to face the cold, hard truth that my DH is horribly damaging to be around, and the best thing for me to do is to leave with mine and my DC's mental health intact.

So very bittersweet for me.

I never dared to dream about my future life, I just knew I didn't want what I'd grown up with.

I'm now 51, happily married for 22 years. Two fantastic young adult DCs. We live in a modest, but nice home with enough space.

However, physical and emotional abuse in childhood, unfortunate genes and difficult life experiences gave rise to what was later diagnosed as schizoaffective disorder. This wrecked any chance of me having a meaningful career and therefore financial independence. I work freelance when I'm well enough, but often I'm not.

My DCs have ongoing, life threatening health issues and we know the road ahead will be a bumpy one. We're a loving family and they'll have plenty of parental support, but I worry.

Even with the unfortunate parts, my life is infinitely better than I could ever have predicted. I just wish my DC had better health.

That's so great to hear!!

Now in 70s, 50 yrs married. Two DC. Because of house prices and DH making the right decisions and inheriting parents homes we are comfortable.
But when we were 40 - 50, life was tough. DH redundant, the industry closing. Health probs for us both. Started our own business but it failed. House was paid but no cash, no income so no new loans. But we KBO (kept buggering on).

Early 50's - just been made redundant (after 30 years with the same employer). Came as a surprise, but out of adversity comes opportunity (hopefully).

Married for 17 years, mostly happily, though DW having alcohol struggles and also having decided that she wants to be polyamorous (again) were not on my agenda. Really don't want to divorce, so trying to work through it...

Childless. Definitely not what I envisaged, but it does create options for middle age that wouldn't exist were we to have children to support through school/university.

No surviving grandparents (not a surprise). One surviving parent (each) - unusually for both of us that is our DFs.

I imagined myself with children and a husband, doing the job I wanted, and having a good life in a nice house.

I have the job I wanted, the children and a lovely husband. We have a council house and it's ok but it's in desperate need of redecorating and although we don't have to go too much without, we are skint and that can be so stressful and the debt hole sometimes feels like that rabbit hole in Alice in Wonderland. I'm not unhappy though.

I have a very loving marriage, retired early and financially very comfortable but my DD died a decade ago when I was in my late forties. My mind has never been quite the same.

I can't say I thought that much about my future, but I always presumed I would be madly career driven still at 40. I never really felt I could rely on anyone else (except my lovely late Nan) so I always thought that if I want to buy a nice house and have nice things, I'd have to work hard and get it. Thought I'd be the breadwinner.

Now at 40, I do have a successful career but motherhood changed my perspective and I didn't want to return full time. I have a lovely DH whom I very much love and can rely on- he's my rock. He supported me going part time (when we couldn't really afford it), his career sky rocketed and we live very comfortably. We have a lovely life and able to financially support our families too.

Just 50. No relationship having split from unfaithful partner 6 years ago and have been a completely solo parent. Not tried to meet anyone else. I'm hoping to apply for promotion in the next couple of years which would allow me to apply for my career ambition position at work. Work busy but better now at prioritising and much better boss in last two years.

Lovely child (who I had later). Financially, starting to get back on my feet after years of very high outgoings and expenses as a single parent. Would love to have more living space but still have quite a lot of mortgage to pay off! I'm looking to develop my social life a bit more over the next few years as my child becomes a bit more independent but very conscious that I need to keep improving my fitness as this is absolutely key and also helps manage stress levels.

Sometimes a bit lonely but aware that several friends are not terribly happy in their relationships. Anxious about parents health and some serious health problems for younger family members and friends this year which has made me reflect a lot.

All in all miles away from my life plans in my 20s / early 30s!!